a Harry Potter fanfiction parody by canoncansodoff

A/N: Thanks to Nick Jinks for his help with the math.

Disclaimer: Not my characters, no money being made, etc., etc.

oo00OO00oo

Chapter 4: Mapping the Odds

Head Girl Hermione Granger had a satisfied look on her face as she used the Marauder's map to guide their first few minutes of patrolling.

"This is going to make monitoring so much easier for us!" she gushed.

"You mean that it was hard to catch students with their pants down without the map?"

"Actually, Harry, without this map the odds of a couple getting caught with either pants down or robes gathered up are rather remote."

Harry snorted. "Rather remote, Hermione? Are you telling me that you haven't actually calculated those odds?"

The Head Girl blushed. "You know me too well, I think…the odds are approximately 36:1 against getting caught."

"Thirty-six to one?" Harry asked. "What's that…three percent?"

Hermione shrugged. "Two point seven eight percent, actually, but…yeah, you're right."

"So how did you arrive at that answer?"

Hermione smiled. "So it took a math problem involving shagging and broom closets to get you interested in arithmancy? Who would have thought?"

"Hush, you!"

The Head Boy noted this uncharacteristic response, but said nothing of it.

"Right, so…as you may or may not know, Harry, there are exactly one-hundred and six broom closets in the castle, and fifty-seven classrooms, and seventeen nooks or crannies, or hidden passageways large enough for a couple to hook up in."

Harry frowned. "Only 180 total?"

Hermione nodded. "There's a few more nooks if you assume that the couple remain vertical during their…coupling…but let's stick with 180 to make the math easier, okay?"

"Erm..sure."

"So...assume that these lover's nests are equally distributed within the castle, and that it takes, on average, two minutes for a patrolling pair of prefects to inspect any single spot. If the shifts are two hours long, and only one pair is on patrol at any given time, then that one pair can inspect a total of…"

"Sixty spots per shift," interrupted Harry. "And if there are 180 total spots, that makes the odds of a couple getting caught, what…one in three? That's rather high odds, in my opinion"

"What's wrong with my math, then?" Harry asked.

"Your math is fine, Harry," she offered with a smile. "It's your underlying assumptions that need refinement."

"How…how so?"

"The odds are one in three only if the couple stays within a specific spot over the entire two-hour shift…and that's not very realistic."

"Why? Because couples like to move around when they make out?"

"No, because teen-aged males are incapable of lasting through two full hours of sexual activity."

"What? You mean…so that's it?…you think that us boys are quick to come?"

"It's not what I think, Harry…it's what the research demonstrates."

"Research?" the Head Boy asked. "And who took it upon themselves to do that kind of research?"

"Actually, there have been several longitudinal studies conducted over the years."

"Really? This is something that people actually study?"

Hermione shrugged and smiled. "Blame it on the Ravenclaw witches…some of them get off on this kind of research more than they like getting off on…well, normal methods."

Harry shook his head. "So what, based on years of research, is the average time spent by a couple within a broom closet?"

"Nine point eight minutes."

"Nine point….less than ten minutes?" Harry asked in amazement. "That seems to be a rather cutting indictment on the inability of Hogwarts wizards to control their willies."

Hermione snorted. "So how long did it take you to lose control of your…willie…when you were in the lav tonight?"

Harry's head whipped around at that question.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" he said with an eye waggle.

"No, actually, that's something that I'd like to see firsthand," Hermione snarked, before pursing her lips and blowing him a kiss.

Harry chuckled. "All in the name of scientific research, I imagine?"

"If labeling it as such is the price of admission, then…"

A hearty laugh escaped from the Head Boy's mouth.

"Yeah, there's an idea…charge admission to watch The-Boy-Who-Won, become "The-Boy-Who-Wanked."

"We'd need to rent out a stadium if we did," Hermione teased.

"Yeah, right."

"Yes, I think I am, actually."

"Well then…I don't think we'd sell any fewer tickets if you were the star attraction."

"Oh, don't be so silly, Harry."

"No…I'm serious."

"Well…there's no chance of me giving that kind of performance any time soon."

"What if it was a one-seat theater, and I had the only admission ticket?"

"Hmmm…you really would get off on watching me masturbate, wouldn't you Harry?"

"Wasn't it obvious back in the Head's Suite?"

"You mean that…you were spying on me, Harry?"

"No…I wasn't spying…I was right there, sitting in between your legs…so was there some other time you were masturbating in the Heads' Suite?"

"Not as far as you know …and I'll have you know that I wasn't masturbating in front of you…I was teaching."

"Ah…I see…so, what do I have to do to arrange for more of those kinds of lessons, Hermione?"

The Head Girl replied with a squeeze of Harry's hand, and a wicked smile.

"Oh, more lessons might be doable…so long as you were willing to do a bit of teaching yourself."

Harry snorted. And twitched. And readjusted his tight-fitting trousers.

"Deal," he replied. "So when can we start these lessons?"

Hermione cast a Tempus spell.

"I might have a free instructional period one-hundred and six minutes for now."

"What a coincidence," Harry replied. "So do I." He then added, "So if you're right, and it only takes ten minutes to make use of a broom closet, then the odds are…"

"Multiplied by the fraction of shift time spent within a broom closet. Ten divided by one-hundred twenty is one over twelve, which, when multiplied…gets us back to the very favorable odds of thirty-six to one against getting caught."

"Definitely worth the risk then," Harry grinned.

Hermione shrugged, as she rechecked the map, and replied, "Guess it depends on who you are sharing it with." She then pulled Harry to a full stop in front of a broom closet door that yielded to a simple Alohamora spell, and (once opened), revealed a mass of red hair bobbing back and forth in front of Draco Malfoy's trouser-covered crotch.

Harry snorted. "Yeah, I see what you mean…Merlin…Ginny…sucking off Draco?"

The witch whose back was to the door stopped her pistoning, but didn't turn around.

"Do you two mind?" the blond-haired wizard whined. "We're obviously busy here, so piss off!"

"You know the rules, Draco."

"Of course I do, and you ought to know I'm of age."

"But your broom closet buddy isn't…are you Ginny?"

The red haired witch paused long enough to button Draco back up before rising from her knees and turning defiantly.

"Piss off, Harry…I'm done waiting for you."

"Gee, how could I have ever guessed, Gin-Gin?" Harry snarked. "So…I'm afraid that I'll have to dock you points for poor taste in wizards and for engaging in an explicit sexual act. And you too, Draco…for engaging in an explicit sexual act with an underaged witch."

"I was doing no such thing," Draco declared. "Ginny here was…she was inspecting the stitching on the front my trousers!"

"There you go," his red-haired partner declared with a hand wave. "So bugger off, Head Boy!"

Harry sighed, and looked towards Hermione for instructions.

She nodded, and said, "The possibility can't be discounted, I'm afraid…especially since there was no physical evidence that Draco was sexually aroused by whatever type of…inspection…Miss Weasley was performing. If she had been performing fellatio, she was obviously doing a piss-poor job of it."

"Hey!" Ginny whined. "I've never had any complaints before!"

"Before?" Harry asked incredulously. "There have been other times…with who…Dean? Michael?"

"Sod off, Harry."

The Head Boy shook his head and let out a deep sigh. He needed time to sort out how this incident would change his attitude towards the youngest Weasley. But he needed no time at all to heap some verbal abuse on Ferret Boy. He turned to Hermione and smiled.

"So, Ginny says that she's never had any complaints, but Draco doesn't have a tent. So either his 'Fully Erect Penis' is so small that one can't tell the difference between that and his 'Flaccid Penis', or else he's a poofter who can't get it up when a witch sucks him off."

The Head Boy then turned to Draco and asked, "So which is it, Malfoy?"

Draco sneered and scowled.

"Come on, Ginny," he snapped, pulling the red-haired witch to her feet. "They can't prove anything."

"Other than the fact that you both are out after curfew," Hermione noted.

"Doesn't apply," the blonde-haired ponce stated. "I'm still a Prefect, and…I was escorting Ginny back to her dormitory."

"Escorting her while she inspected your trouser fly within a broom closet?" Hermione asked incredulously.

"Can't prove otherwise, can you Mu….Ma'am?"

Hermione seethed at the insult that was on the top of Draco's lips, leaving it for Harry to satisfy her honor.

"You're right, Draco," he declared. "You too, Ginny…there's absolutely no concrete evidence that either of you were engaged in any rule breaking, or illicit activity…which is why neither of you should be concerned if I were to share a pensieved memory of this incident with your parents."

Ginny's face went pale. "You…you wouldn't, would you Harry?"

"Why not?" he asked. "I'm sure that your Mum will see things exactly the way you have described them to be…just like Draco's mum won't think ill of her son…the Malfoy Patriarch…getting a…trouser inspection…from a Weasley."

The blond-haired wizard started to draw his wand, before his arm was held back by Ginny.

"What's wrong, Drake?" she asked. "You said that your mum approved of our…relationship."

"Erm…yes, but…"

"So you were lying to me then?" Ginny screeched. "You promised me…"

"Not now, Ginny," Draco hissed.

The only daughter of "Hurricane Molly" slapped the Head of House Malfoy hard on the face. "Not now is right!" she yelled. "Not, never again, too!"

Ginny stormed off, and down the hallway. Just before turning a corner she screeched one more time, pulled her wand, and cast a spell that soon had Draco spitting slugs.

"Hmm," said Harry, as he stepped back away from the vomit spray zone. "Think we should dock her points for wand usage in the hallway?"

Hermione smiled, and shook her head. "No, I think we'll leave it up to Draco to decide…I'd much rather see how he writes up this incident."

"Fair enough," Harry replied. He slapped Draco on the back and said, "Well we've got more patrolling to do, so…enjoy the rest of your evening."

He then grabbed Hermione's hand and walked away, adding (out of the Slytherin's earshot), "At least one of us should."

Hermione gave her new boyfriend a questioning glance. "You mean you aren't looking forward to enjoying the rest of the night with me?"

The Head Boy shrugged. "Of course I am, it's just that…you were hoping that patrol would serve as foreplay. Can't imagine anything less sexually stimulating that the sight of Ginny sucking off Draco."

"Ah, I see your point," Hermione replied. She pulled Harry to a stop, pulled out the map, and added, "So let's see…has to be something here to rid our minds of that scene and gets us back on track…ah, there we are! Fifth floor…Prefect's lavatory."

"Who?"

"Let's keep that a surprise, shall we?"

"But…that's…even if the stairways cooperate, it'll take fifteen minutes to get there."

"But if your ten-minute rule holds, they'll come and be gone by then!"

The Head Girl chuckled. "There you go again, Harry…working with flawed assumptions."

"What….where did I go wrong?"

"The ten-minute rule only applies to wizards…witches, on average, take twice as long to come."

"So…but still…are you saying that there are some wizards who are considerate enough to help their partner get off after they do?"

"No, Harry, I'm saying that there are some couples that don't include wizards."

Harry thought for a moment, before his eyebrows disappeared beneath his bangs. He grabbed Hermione's hand, and launched down the hallway at a very brisk pace.

"Thanks, Hermione," he said. "I'm forgetting that trouser inspection already."

oo00OO00oo

The monitoring of the Prefect's Bath, and brief observation of the tongue baths that Daphne Greengrass and Lisa Turpin were giving each other, were such Patronus-worthy memories that Harry wasn't bothered at all by the fact that the witches' cover boyfriends were also there, comparing their wide stances (amongst other things) in the toilet stalls. Although the Head Boy would be hard pressed to decide what had revved him up more…watching the Slytherin Ice Queen bury her face in Lisa's thick patch of pubic hair, or watching Hermione "scratch an itch" while she watched that same scene. It gave a wizard ideas…and it was only the fear that the two male gays might perv on him that kept Harry from doing a bit of itching himself. So he didn't, and after verifying ages and consent issues, and noting the restricted access to the room, the Head Boy and Head Girl (reluctantly) gave the two couples some privacy.

The Marauder's Map quickly led Harry and Hermione straight to two more broom closet liaisons, both of which required point taking and report writing. One involved underaged Sixth Years, while the second took place behind an unlocked broom closet door that any Ickle Firsty could have opened.

"So who are visiting next, Hermione?" Harry asked, after they escorted the last sexually frustrated couple back to their individual dorms.

The Head Girl searched within the Marauder's Map for a few moments, then snorted.

"Well that didn't take long," she muttered.

"What?"

Hermione shook her head. "Come on Harry…time to test your professional demeanor on a friend of mine."

"Who?"

"Now where's the fun if I told you?" she teased, as she led him by hand up a set of moving stairs. "I'll just let you consider the…possibilities…along the way."

Harry sighed. "You are a wicked witch, you know."

"So are you going to hold it against me?"

"I'd rather hold it inside you, actually."

Hermione giggled, and reached over to give Harry a crotch grab.

"And you call me wicked, you perv."

"Is that a complaint?"

Hermione replied with only a Cheshire Cat-worthy grin as they stopped before a locked classroom door. She looked at the door for a moment, then at the walls on either side of the door, and smiled.

Harry nodded, and drew his wand to cast an Alohamora spell. Discovering that this low-level spell failed to provide access, he stepped back and tried a stronger unlocking charm. And when that spell failed to negate whatever charms or wards had been applied to the door, he turned to Hermione and asked, "So now what?"

The Head Girl smiled. "Well they've already passed the discreteness test…if those spells can't open the door, then it's very unlikely that an underaged witch or wizard could get past the door with intent to perv."

"So we leave them alone?"

"You do know who is behind the door from the map, right?"

"Yes."

"So are they Seventh-Years?"

"Yup."

"So why…."

"Because there's a small chance that one or the other has been magically coerced…haven't seen this coupling before. And because you still need some training on recognizing the difference between explicit and non-explicit activity. And because…"

"What else?" Harry asked, arching an eyebrow. "Point of pride? Want to let them know that they can't get one by you?"

Hermione shrugged. "Perhaps."

Harry snorted, and gave the Head Girl a grandiose bow.

"Then I yield, and place the challenge in your hands."

The bushy-haired witch giggled. "Don't feel so bad, Harry…that last spell would have opened just about any lock I can image."

"So why didn't the door open?"

Hermione chuckled, and cast a Finite Incantatum spell. The door shimmered for a moment, and then disappeared from view.

"Can't open a door that isn't really there, Harry."

"So it was…an illusion?"

Hermione nodded as she ran a hand along the wall at waist level. She stopped when she felt a disillusioned door handle, and said, "Got you!" before cancelling that spell as well. The real door to the classroom appeared, and yielded to a NEWT-level unlocking charm.

"Boy with all of this effort…hope that it's not another erection-killer on the other side," Harry muttered.

The Head Girl waggled her eyebrows, and said, "Only one way to find out" as she threw open the door and pushed Harry inside.

The Head Boy's quick scan of the unused classroom bore down on a wide lectern, and the naked brown-skinned witch who was bouncing on top of it, with a naked wizard in between.

Harry's eyes were drawn to the point of contact…or what he could see of the point of contact. The bits were blurry…he could immediately kind of tell that there was penetrative intercourse going on, with the witch riding the prone wizard. Her back was to him though, and she was facing Harry, who could roughly distinguish between the witch's light-brown skin and black pubic hair, and her lover's pale skin and brown pubes. But something was obscuring his view.

Something more definite blocked his view when the naked witch called out "Accio Robes," and tried to cover herself. It was only then that Harry's focus drifted upwards, past barely-covered breasts, and he made eye contact with a slightly embarrassed Ravenclaw.

"Liked what you could almost see, Harry?"

"Yes, I mean…no….Merlin! Padma…what are you doing?"

"Wasn't it obvious?" the Head Girl snarked, as she entered behind Harry and surveyed the scene.

"Ah, Hermione…I should have guessed…you've bested me again," said Padma.

The Head Girl shrugged. "Nice try, though…the illusions were top-notch."

"Enough to keep the kiddies away?" asked the Ravenclaw witch.

Hermione nodded. "No worries there, Padma...sorry, but I need to check for magical compulsions on both of you."

The light-brown witch shrugged. "Sure…not like I don't know the protocols." Padma then turned around and looked down upon her mount.

"Hang tight, loverboy…this won't take long."

"Erm…right…so, I'll just stay here then," replied the nervous wizard.

Once the Head Girl cast the revealing charms that failed to detect compulsions, or coerced intent, she turned to the Head Boy and asked, "So Harry…they weren't shagging in a place where underaged eyes could ogle, they're both of age, and it's consensual sex. Anything else?"

Harry thought for a moment, then turned back towards Padma, who still hadn't moved from her point of impaling.

"No, I think we're done here, Hermione."

"It didn't bother me," the black-haired wizard shrugged. "And I'm of age…"

"That doesn't matter, though…remember?" Hermione asked. "Even if the lovers are adults, and those viewing them are adults, it's out of bounds for them to display explicit sexual acts."

"But they didn't, Hermione."

"They didn't?" his girlfriend asked. "You mean you didn't see his 'Fully Erect Penis' engulfed within her 'Fully Exposed Vagina' while they were engaged in 'Penetrative Vaginal Intercourse'?"

"Not clearly enough to say conclusively," Harry replied. "They had some sort of shield in front of their bits which made things all blurry."

"More like what she has up her fanny," Harry softly snarked.

The Head Girl slugged the Head Boy in the arm for his unprofessional comment, then turned back to the naked couple.

"Well?"

"It's called a Pixelation Charm," she declared. "Learned it over the summer."

"Hmmm…never heard of it."

"It's Japanese in origin," the Ravenclaw explained. "Funny people…they think nothing about men and women getting naked in a public bath or hot spring, but it's against the rules for them to show bare bits. So they use this charm."

"What does it do, then?"

"It creates a small visual distortion field that clings to your bits," Padma replied. "It only lasts for fifteen minutes, but given the nine point eight rule…"

Harry rolled his eyes at the reference.

"Wow, that's really interesting," Hermione declared. "Mind if I take a look?"

The light-brown skinned witch snorted, then glanced towards Harry. A small smirk appeared on her face, as she twisted around and asked her lover, "You don't mind, do you sweetheart?"

"Erm, no…not at all," was the feint-voiced response.

"Thanks," replied the Ravenclaw witch, as she bounced and wiggled to show her appreciation. Then, without warning, she dropped the robes that she'd been holding against her front.

Hermione's focus went straight to Padma's pixilated crotch.

Harry, having "sort of seen" that area, allowed himself a glance at the Ravenclaw's clearly visible breasts. It was the fifth pair that he'd seen that night…and also only the fifth pair that he'd seen in his life. Ironically, none of those bared breasts belonged to Hermione…a situation that he hoped would be fixed soon. Very soon.

"Like what you see, Harry?" Padma teased, as she reached up and slowly covered her large brown nipples with her hands.

"No…I mean yes….I mean…I was just noting that you didn't have the charm applied to your breasts."

Padma snorted. "Are they that small that you'd rather not be able to see them?"

"No…of course not…it's just…."

"The Japanese don't care about showing tits or arse," the Ravenclaw replied with a grin. "And since the display of those bits isn't considered "explicit" under School rules…."

"Unless your partner is buggering that arse, or shagging those tits…." Hermione noted.

The Head Girl turned away from Padma's crotch and glared at Harry for a moment. He blushed, and cast his eyes downward, which earned him a melodic giggle.

"Oh, relax, Harry," Hermione chided. "Your ogling can be classified as observation, and…well, Padma does have lovely baps, doesn't she?"

Harry smiled, and looked up.

"Lovely baps…that's the clinical term, then?"

"Oh, you…just give me a minute more."

The Head Girl smiled her thanks, then turned back and began to ask Padma specific questions about the charm. The Ravenclaw Prefect was happy to explain the underlying arithmacy of the spell, and launched into a mini-lecture, acting as if she were sitting in Flitwick's class…instead of sitting on her boyfriend's '"Fully Erect Penis."

The Head Girl seemed to forget where they were as well, and walked right up next to the nude couple for a better look. She tentatively reached out towards the blurry area and asked, "So the spell creates a zone of distortion, instead of specifically targeting your bits?"

"That's right."

"Fascinating," Hermione replied, watching her fingers blur as they approached Padma's fanny and made contact with the witch's pubes.

"Doh!" huffed Padma's lover, as Hermione yanked her hand back from some decidedly unfeminine bits.

Padma giggled. "No worries, Hermione…we have to work with the blurriness too."

"You mean that you can't clearly see his bits…or he yours…."

"Nope."

Hermione snorted. "So how does he know where he's going, then?"

"Oh, he doesn't," Padma explained. "But what's the difference? Even without the charm boys don't know exactly where to put it, and need a guiding hand."

"Hey, I'm right here, you know," the nude wizard called out.

Padma chuckled, then reached down and tickled her lover's blurry scrotum.

"Of course you are, honey."

Hermione looked around Padma's torso, and said, "Sorry for poking your testicles."

"No worries," Padma replied on her lover's behalf. "I'll make it up to him in a bit."

Harry shook his head in disbelief, and gave the wizard who was laying underneath Padma a look of sympathy.

"Sorry," he said. "I know how you feel."

The wizard snorted. "You mean that you've had a shag interrupted like this?"

"Erm, no…I…erm…it's just that Hermione can get a little…intense…when she's learning new magic."

The nude teen-ager smiled and shook his head, half-listening as his lover launched into the magical underpinnings of the charm.

"No worries," he replied. "My girlfriend can be just as…focused. But that's a good thing at certain times, and for certain…activities."

Harry snorted, and shook his head.

The nude wizard laughed, which caused Padma to bounce, which earned him a gentle chiding for interrupting her lesson.

Harry rolled his eyes, and gently tapped Hermione's shoulder.

"Perhaps there might be a more…convenient…time to learn this spell?" he asked.

The Head Girl looked up and smiled. "Does that mean that you don't want me to test drive this charm tonight?"

"Erm…"

"Hermione!" Padma squealed. "Don't tell me that he finally got his head out of his arse?"

The Head Girl smiled brightly and reached out to intertwine her fingers with Harry's. "Okay, I won't tell you that he finally got his head out of his arse."

Padma squealed once more, and pulled Hermione into a hug…a hug that smashed her bared breasts against Hermione's covered breasts, and dragged Hermione's and Harry's intertwined fingers across Padma's bare thigh.

The scene added greatly to the gathering storm inside of Harry's pants. He gently pulled Hermione away from Padma, and suggested that they really needed to get back onto patrol. Hermione reluctantly agreed, but not before she offered to award points to Padma for her ingenuity (the ability to award points being one of the perks of being Head Boy or Girl). The Ravenclaw was initially excited about the award, until Harry pointed out that Hermione would have to justify it in a written report reviewed by the Headmistress. So Padma decided that being left alone with her lover would be reward enough, and encouraged Harry and Hermione to continue their patrol.

By this point in the evening, Harry was walking around with an obvious bulge in his pants. Hermione was just as excited, but would have been able to claim she was cold had she been challenged. And since Harry was the only one around, he wasn't going to press the issue, especially when Hermione was so willing to take occasional breaks to kiss, and firmly press her "issues" against his chest.

"So why didn't I get my head out of my arse before now?" Harry asked, after a particularly passionate kiss.

"Because you were afraid that Ron would make a stink about the relationship?"

"But then…why didn't we figure this out once I stopped worrying about Ron's insecurity issues?"

"Erm..because you were afraid that my father would make a stink about the relationship?"

Harry chuckled. "Yeah, guess you're right...so do you think that your parents will object now that school is started?"

"Oh, Daddy wouldn't have been upset if we had decided to become boyfriend and girlfriend while we stayed with them…he likes you quite a lot."

"So what would he be concerned about…that we'd be shagging while they were at the Surgery?"

"Yes."

"But…weren't we were legal to shag in the Muggle world at sixteen?"

"That's right."

"So it's the sex before marriage issue?"

Hermione smiled, and shook her head. "Mum made sure I knew how to protect against pregnancy three years ago, and told me that both Daddy and she were sexually active teenagers."

"So what would he have been upset about?"

"That he didn't have the same opportunity to live with his girlfriend in an unsupervised house when he was our age!"

Harry laughed. "So it's, 'If sneaking out to the woods for a shag was good enough for my girlfriend and me, it's good enough for my children'?"

"Something like that."

"Well, that's a bit hypocritical."

Hermione snorted. "So would you allow our teen-aged daughter to have the run of our house with her boyfriend?"

"Our daughter…and our house?"

"Hypothetically speaking."

"Erm…right, well…of course not…there'll be an age line around our house that keeps boys away until she's twenty-five!"

"Why? You wouldn't feel the same way?"

"Of course I would," Hermione replied. "But if that's your decision, and you don't want appear hypocritical, then…twenty-five, Harry? Don't think I can wait seven more years to shag your brains out."

Harry frowned, and realized that she had a point.

"Well, I guess…you've turned out brilliantly, so it couldn't be a bad thing to adopt your Mum and Dad's parental policies as our own…and if your Mum gave you an unofficial green light, and your Dad hasn't locked you up in a convent…then…"

"Then there's nothing keeping you and I from engaging in a little bit of, 'Penetrative intercourse to completion',?"

Harry snorted, and cast a Tempus spell. "Nothing at all, other than the remaining seventy-three minutes of our patrol."

The Head Girl smiled and waggled her eyebrows.

"We'll see."

"We…you mean…maybe we can cut patrol short?"

Hermione smiled even more brightly as she opened the Marauder's Map and gave it a close once-over.

"We really do have to patrol until the end, but this Map has made monitoring broom closets so efficient that…we could spend the rest of the shift on surveillance in the Astronomy Tower?"

"In the Astronomy Tower?" asked Harry. "Where we…we...we wouldn't have to wait another seventy-three minutes?"

"Seventy-two, now..but who's counting?" Hermione snarked.

Harry eyes went wide at the thought as he stood behind Hermione and peaked over her shoulder at the map. They grew even wider when he focused on the map's depiction of the Astronomy Tower.

"But..Neville and Susan are…overlapping dots up there right now. And Parvati and Michael Corner…and Lavender Brown and…Ernie Macmillan?"

Hermione nodded. "Yes, it might be a little crowded, but I think we could make do."

"But…so we'd be…would we be 'Engaging in explicit sexual activity' within full view of the others?"

"Well you did wonder what my dorm mates might think if they were watching you bent me over my desk and shagged me silly."

"But…"

"And there are ways to ensure that we could have a lot of…fun…without fear of it being labeled as 'explicit sexual activity'."

"But…"

"And we really do have an obligation to ensure that the others don't violate school rules…think of it as undercover surveillance work."

"Wouldn't you rather our first time be under the covers, back in our Suite?"

Hermione chuckled, and pushed her bum back against Harry's front. After a wiggle confirmed the state of his blood flow in that region, she asked, "Well he certainly likes the idea, doesn't he?"

"So you want to do that…with me…up there…with the others there?"

Hermione pocketed the map, turned, and pulled her new boyfriend into an embrace.

"There's a lot we could do up there without falling into areas that are considered 'sexually explicit activity'," she noted, as she reached around and pulled Harry closer with a two-handed arse grab.

The Head Boy let out a content sigh as the Head Girl ground against his robe-covered "Fully Erect Penis."

"Have anything specific in mind?" he asked.

Hermione shook her head. "I've got a few ideas, but maybe…maybe we should take the opportunity to do a little research on the topic?"

"And how would we do that?"

"Why, by observing well-practiced practitioners in the fine art of non-explicit sexual activity."

"So…you want to watch the others?'

Hermione shrugged. "It's one thing to read about it in a book, or to watch a video…but the best classes are those that combine theory with practical demonstrations, right?"

"So… you think that I should watch Ernie..or Michael Corner…and follow their examples?"

"If you wanted to, I suppose," Hermione replied. "But I think that I'd rather receive tutorials from Neville and Susan on the proper way to titty-fuck."

"Wha…really? And you think that they might really be doing that up there?"

Hermione shrugged. "One way to find out, I guess."

There was a pregnant pause, and then a mad dash. And it would have been impossible for anyone to tell who was pulling whom up the stairs of the Astronomy Tower.