I woke up the next morning in the arms of the most amazing guy in the world. He was looking at the ceiling, so intensely that he didn't even notice I had woken. I must have moved a lot in my sleep if moving now wasn't alerting him. I nestled close to him but it still didn't break is trance like state. Finally I kissed his side since it was what was closest to me, he glanced down and smiled a half smile, but it didn't reach his eyes.
"What's the matter?" I asked sitting up a little so that i could be face to face with him. He didn't look at me right away so I waited, he would tell me, he always did. He continued to be silent, I began to worry.
"Edward?" I said my voice shaking a little. He looked down finally his eyes were sad momentarily but then they went blank, he was hiding. I waited, then hugged him and continued to wait. Finally he took a breath.
"How did you sleep?" he asked. His voice was off though, it worried me.
"I slept alright, why?" I asked looking in his empty eyes. His mood didn't change.
"Edward, honestly what's wrong?" I begged finally, I needed to know.
"I can't protect you, not when you sleep. Not from yourself" he spoke softly. I didn't know what he was talking about.
"I don't understand…" I said thinking back to my sleep, to my dreams, I couldn't remember them. He could tell by my confused expression that I didn't remember and sighed.
"You cried, you cried his name. I wanted so bad to wake you." He said tortured looking at the ceiling again. I sighed and put my head on his chest, listening to him breath, in silence. I kissed him after a few minutes then sat back up and took his face in my hands.
"I am beside you, it's the safest place I could be, the only place I want to be. I can't help what I dream but I can help what I wake up to. I want this to go away and it will only do that if you can move on too." I said looking deep into his eyes, the sadness came back momentarily. I kissed his lips hard, pulling him close. For a while he kissed me back but as usual he pulled away first.
"Be good" he smiled as he moved away. He held me close for a long while, just looking into my eyes.
"I love you." I whispered, I saw a flicker of warmth in his eyes and suddenly they changed, they were no longer guarded or sad, they were happy and content. He kissed the top of my head.
"I love you too my Bella" he said hugging me to him again; it made me laugh as I hugged him back.
"So about last night…" I began.
"Yes about that, that wasn't very good." He mused. I looked down shyly but he lifted my face to his again.
"I want to see your eyes." He said soothingly as he gazed at me making me blush, he stroked my cheek then kissed me gently.
"I'm sorry." I whispered once we separated. He shook his head slightly and smiled.
"Don't be my love, I enjoyed it, I just don't want to hurt you." He whispered back kissing me again. I laughed under his kisses at his sudden excitement. I reached down to touch him to find he was already… interested. The discovery made me giggle.
"Don't laugh I can't make it stop!" he cried quietly making me laugh even harder.
"Every time I think about it, it keeps coming back!" he said looking under the covers then at my hand, then my face. A low growl escaped his lips as I touched him, then he suddenly was on top of me kissing my neck.
"Again already my love?" he joked. I nodded this time taking it a step farther once he was close enough I removed my hand and pressed myself to him. I wrapped my legs around him and began to move my body against his. A moan escaped his lips but he did not move with me; he did not move at all. I stopped and looked up at him, his eyes were burning, smoldering with lust and need. His jaw was locked and he was looking at the pillow beside my head. I waited until he calmed down. I knew he wouldn't leave, he wouldn't risk the feeling of rejection, was that fair? Finally he took a breath again and his jaw loosened.
"Sorry" I whispered and pulled his head against my chest. He rested like that for a while before he spoke.
"I can't control myself when I am like that." He said, listening to my heart, it always helped him calm down.
"I don't need more, I just need you." I whispered and kissed his hair. I could feel his smile grow against my skin, it made me feel good. We stayed like that for a long while, just enjoying being with each other.
"I want to be more though" he said after a long time of silence. If I hadn't known better I could have thought he was asleep. I took a moment to think about what he had said. I knew what he meant, because I wanted it too, I wanted to be able to connect with him, lose myself around him, and disappear with him. I wanted to replace my memories of my past with my memories of now, I wanted love to mean love, not for it to mean power and control, but that couldn't be with me and Edward; never. But I couldn't tell him all that, he would leave, think that I could have that with someone else that someone else could give that to me. But even though I couldn't have that one part with him, I would still prefer what I do have with him above anything else. Out of all the thoughts on the topic that came to mind, none of them would comfort my Edward, none would put his heart at ease. So instead of words I chose an action for my reply. I slid down underneath him until my cheek was on his chest, I listened and heard nothing, yet the love his heart swelled with was better than any other man's. I kissed where his silent heart yearned for me, once, twice, three times. I could feel him inhale as I did so, this answer pleased him. I went back to face him and kissed his cheek.
"What you are makes you cold, hard, and without a heartbeat" I said watching his expression, I could see torment flicker in his eyes but he knew there was more i didn't stay. "but the sight of you in the sun, is the closest thing to anything divine that anyone could witness, the sound of your laugh, would make the angels green with envy, and your heart, though it has no beat, holds more compassion and love than any man could ever dream to give." I paused to look at his eyes again, they were sad looking, I could see his face change but he would fix it before I could tell what it was. "Edward, all of these things make you who you are, yes you are dangerous, made to hunt, and made to kill, but no one on this earth was made to love the way you do, that defines you more than what you are" I finished, looking away and pulling him into a hug. He hugged me back tightly but gentle. I looked up at him and his face was not one I knew, he was sad, crying without tears. I could feel his lungs lurching in a very human way, as if he needed more air, as if he needed air at all, he was so much more human than he knew. Once he saw that I was looking at him though he composed himself, within a second his face was guarded again, and then I could see confusion in his eyes, I waited.
"Bella, never in my wildest fantasies, could I have imagined that I would find someone as perfect for me as you. Thank you so much for saying that, it is good to know how you feel about me." And he began to kiss me again, soft and loving.