Wally couldn't stand it anymore.
Bruce would have anyone know that he was just minding his own business while on the Batmobile computer when a sudden whirlwind struck.
Out of the blue (well, gray really as this was Gotham City we are talking about) something yanked him out of his seat and whirled him around. His cape was wrapped tightly around his body, negating all immediate hope of freeing his arms so as to reach the goodies hidden in his utility belt. Within the space of a blink he was being zipped along at a near migraine inducing speed. Before his brain could finish thinking the four-lettered-word-plus-one-'h' that probably stood for hell which best describing this type of situation, Batman was inside an alcove of chiseled light gray stone looking down into a distant, forested landscape instead of his gloomy--and much more roomy---domain that was hidden under Wayne Manor.
The Dark Knight was not impressed by this sight of nature's majesty.
"Flash." The Dark Knight set his jaw. The idiot's reason for taking him away from his patrol had better be good.
"Yeah?" the hyperactive man gulped and considered that this might not have been such a great impulsive desire to give in to as it had seemed like all of fifteen seconds ago.
"Where are we, and--more importantly" Batman paused to grit his teeth "--why?"
"SouthDakota,Mt. Rushmore,Abraham Lincoln'seye,notgettingmarried."
"Rewind and repeat that at a human speed."
"Honest Abe's eye. Us in." Flash anxiously peered outside. "Nice view he's got, huh? The one from Jefferson's eye sucks."
"Besides the point that climbing Mount Rushmore is against one law--and I am getting tempted to break a second one, I ask again....why are we here?"
"Er.." The Flash was actively trembling now--little gray dust clouds rising up from his vibrations. Probably making Lincoln look like he had a cataract. "J'onn's after me--" the speedster began.
Bruce inwardly sighed. He'd been expecting this ever since J'onn had ordered that large shipment of his favorite food stuff and had then spent an hour secreting it in various---hopefully Flash-proof---hiding spots around the WT. If the alien's dream of eating his chocos in peace had proven to be in vain, their resident roadrunner was in peril.
Like The Batman should care whether Wally ended up becoming one with the moon.
Except he could already picture the look on Superman's face if Flash ended up deceased. The Man of Steel would mope and and generally be as useless as the speedster was for at least a week.
After a moment, the Dark Knight sighed.
"Flash, he wouldn't threaten to drop you from the upper stratosphere if you'd just leave his Oreos alone--"
"J'onn's after me....to get married," Flash finished for clarification.
"--and buy your own--" Batman blinked. Wait--what? Okay, that wasn't what he' d expected. "Excuse me?"
"It's not fair!" Flash threw up his hands and proceeded to bewail at him, interspersing enough assorted hand gestures that they created and kept up a slight breeze. "He says I'm the only one available on account as everyone else he trusts to..to...you know....that thing that married people do to make it sanctioned like but which mom says I'm not supposed to know about until I'm 40 on pain of death---is already in love with someone else, so no way Jose are they ripe for the pickings and he isn't that kind of Martian to go butting in on someone else's gnarlzarts! But I know that can't be true because you're Batman and Batman doesn't love anyone so you're free, aren't you?"
"Of entanglements," Wally explained with a flair, obviously expecting a response. When none was forthcoming within the time it took Batman to breath in another lungful he added, "To marry J'onn." Flash rolled his eyes in nervous exasperation. C'mon, Bats, put the brain in drive and help me out here!"
"J'onn wants to marry you?" Batman's voice was heavy with disbelief.
For a split second Flash looked insulted before shifting his gaze to studying his garishly yellow boots as he scuffed them against the ground and played with the fingers of his gloves. "Uh huh."
Bruce was seriously starting to consider the possibility that Jonathon Crane had snuck up on him and struck and that this was all just a Scarecrow-induced psychedelic bad dream.
"Dare I ask why?"
"So he won't be deported next time he steps foot in the MetroTower."
"Deported?" Batman mulled the word over, wracking his brain for some relevant tie in to J'onn. Nothing came to mind and he read all the daily online newspapers and relevant blogs. Unless this wasn't something that had just hit the news?
"Deported as in...because he's an illegal alien?"
Wally nodded emphatically. "Oh good--you understand the predicament then! Because I was sort of afraid you'd be all grumpy and bat-scowly like and not help out and then I wouldn't have an argument to give J'onn and he'd be off right now paying the Las Vegas preacher and signing the papers, but it's okay now because you're smarter than anyone takes you for, but you know that, don't you, because your Batz and there isn't anyone smarter than Batman which was why I came to you and, well, because I figured you probably were single what with the loner attitude and all. Um...then...uh..so you'll do it?" Flash asked in a stammering voice.
Batman didn't blink this time. He now had as much of a handle on understanding 'Flash thought' as it was possible for a mortal man to attain; therefore nothing would flabbergast him for the rest of this conversation--so help him God. The only thing that still had him utterly confused was why Flash never brought up these stupidities of his to Superman--who had far more tolerance for them--or at least had the option of instantaneous vertical take off before the aural onslaught caused brain neurons to overload.
"Marry J'onn?" Batman asked for clarification. "Matrimony?"
Wally again rolled his eyes. "Well, technically the paperwork would be for a domestic union, but it would be more of...me with you. We could annul it after J'onn finds someone else because I would and he wouldn't so you or I'd be stuck being Mrs. Martian--or is that Mrs. Manhunter?--unless we domestic unionified each other first in which case we'd both be off the hook."
The Cape Crusader stared at him.
"Flash, J'onn has a green card. In fact all League members hold green cards from every civilized nation that will issue them. Nobody is getting kicked back to their country or planet of origin."
Soulful white eye lenses stared back at him.
"So...meaning Killawog would have a green card too?"
Flash hesitated for a fraction of a moment---which meant he was desperately trying to think of another name to add to his list of potential deportees.
Batman refrained from a powerful urge to pinch the bridge of his nose and stave off the coming headache. Instead, he reached into his suit and pulled out a wallet. Out fanned a collection of global passports and green cards with Batman's mug on them. "Every alien in the League---geopolitical and extraterrestrial---has clearance to be in the United States. Come to that...does this conversation imply that you never read the priority email last April and picked up the cards we collected for you?"
"Oh...er...um..," this was followed by a very quiet and very quickly muttered "damn" over twiddled thumbs. "Heh...oops?" He zoomed off.
Leaving Batman alone to contemplate the world as seen from the eye of Abraham Lincoln before a red blur zoomed back and he was suddenly back in the Batmobile as if nothing had transpired inter-state wise.
Flash re-appeared the next day while Batman was on Monitor Womb duty.
The Scarlet Speedster was wearing glow-in-the-dark stars on his uniform and a paper cutout 'crown'. A plastic yellow kid's jump rope was looped and held firmly in his left hand.
He was rewarded with the innocence-laden return gaze of the mentally challenged. "What?"
"You...look like Wonder Woman."
Flash glanced down at himself with a bemused air. "Oh...yeah...kinda spent lunch hour at the orphanage. Kids wanted to play jump rope and Give The Flash A Makeover Day. They seemed to like the result....I dunno...which me do you think is more...um...hero-ish and photogenic?"
"You...look like Wonder Woman."
"I know. Is that good or bad?" Batman turned his back towards him.
"Flash---get those things off before Diana sees you and thinks you are mocking her."
Flash's mouth had formed a smile at the beginning of his sentence before Batman got around to adding the second half. The smile deflated. He zipped out and...
"Ah'm thah thadoh thah haunth thah nith." Another swish at a different location. "Baths! I eedth ah avor."
"What now?" Batman turned around then hurriedly turned back with an inward groan. "No, you may not hang out in the Batcave to help you get into character for the Central City Orphange Halloween party."
"Aw...ith faw tha idth! Lukth enthu mah eythe."
"And get those ridiculous fangs out of your mouth before you--"
"Deef enthu mah Ow!"
--"bite your own tongue, Count Flashula." He dared not turn around lest the speedster spot his involuntary grin. (There were some of the glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to the vampire cape missed during Flash's quick change.)
Wally removed the uncooperative oral prop. "John says to act a part you have to really get into the psyche of the character. I thought you might give me some tips on....you know...being one with the bat man?"
"I'm busy and am neither a vampire nor is this Transylvania."
"Yeah, but Gotham's the next best thing in creepy atmosphere and nobody else knows how to be a bat like Batman," the speedster pointed out. "How am I going to learn in time for the party and win the costume contest?" He bounced in place. "Winner gets deuce tickets on an exclusive-for-two, international boat cruise and I'm willing to share the spoils."
"A non-profit organization for children is offering cruise--"
"A trip to Dizzy World and pre-park access to the It's A Small Globe boat ride." Wally missed Batman's expression as the older man inwardly cringed at the thought of suffering through such an awful fate as listening to peppy animatronic renditions of It's a world of cheer... "So, c'mon, Batz...teach me to fly with the...um...rodents."
"Oh I can think of several dozen teachers." He hit a button on his utility belt. There was a flutter from the inner recesses of the batcave. Then....
The Dracula cape fluttered to the ground at roughly the same second Wally's footsteps left Gotham's city limits.
Batman settled back to work and tried not to consider how cute the man had looked wearing the glow-in-the-dark vampire fangs and cape.
The Green Lantern (John Stewart), Shayera Hol (formerly Hawk Girl) and Superman were in the Watchtower lounge enjoying snacks while watching back-to-back episodes of the black & white classic antics of The Little Rascals on the Older Than Dirt tv channel.
"I swear that Alfalfa character looks like you--only with the cowlick at the rear instead of the front," Shayera giggled. Superman made a face.
Shayera snickered. "He even has that Darla chick after him. She's so a Lois Lane to his Superman. And that oversized Bulleseye dog is like Krypto. Buckwheat's..."
"Don't go there." John glared at her...then snorted. "I suppose that would make Spanky their Batman."
All three giggled at the image of the roundish kid in a batsuit, glaring at the other Rascals.
"The "Remarkable" kid?" Clark supplied. "Luthor?"
"The spoiled rich kid," they all decided at once.
"Flash?" Shayera asked.
"Wrong show," John decided as he flipped the channel to its twin Ancient Comedy. "Wally's more a Keystone Cop."
"Slander...Detectives Fred Chyre and Tony Morillo aren't nearly that silly."
A small tornado had come in and quickly transported the remaining food from the refrigerator into it's stomach.
The Flash had arrived for a snack having already depleted the cafeteria stock. This was not unusual in itself. In fact, it happened several times a day.
However, the fact that his lightning bolt ear antennae had been stretched out to form a bow at the top of his spandex covered head was not considered a common sight.
"Man, every time I talk with Batz lately I end up with a ringing in my ears and a headache." He watched a few seconds more of the Keystone Cops moving at a sped up rate as they barely escaped calamity after calamity. "Wow...this time it's even mucking with my vision perceptions--the screen action is almost moving along at a decent speed. Maybe I'd better go lay down or something." The Fastest Man Alive blithely chugged down the last iced mocha before leaving in a blur.
GL and Shayera stared slack jawed at where their friend had been standing.
Superman nonchalantly switched the channel back to The Little Rascals, contemplating the similarities between the bossy Darla and a certain reporter he knew. "Batman will fix the Flash's head gear later when he "unwraps his present."
Stewart turned even greener at the thought of: "Thanks, Big Guy, for that image. All we need are future little bad-ass tykes running around at super speed taking over the WT mainframe and refusing to take naps."
Shayera grunted as she relaxed back into the couch. "Could be worse. If Flash kept dating Fire in a few years we'd all be at risk for Hot Flashes." She returned her team mates disgusted looks. "What?"
"You've been hanging around Wally too much."
a/n: I went out and purchased Green Lantern: First Flight. Except for a couple of bloody scenes and one character breaking to other characters necks (with crunching noises) it was like watching a JLU episode. Meaning it was fun (Hal's constructions are WAY better than John's lackluster creations in the animated shows), but not worth more than the price of the regular dvd.
There was a preview of Public Enemies (Batman and Superman) that was really interesting looking. Didn't look like it was going to have Flash in it, but he's mentioned at least once by Superman in a somewhat humorous exchange (although the circumstances aren't funny at all.) I'm sort of glad as I can't see Wally believing Luthor and trying to run down Supes and Bats with the rest of the idiots. In fact, why the rest of the 'heroes' would go after the duo had better be darned believable. This is due out September 29.
Dear God....there is a character out there in the comics universe called Green Lightning who is a "descendant of Kyle Raynor and Wally West." Do I want to know? 0.o*