EMERGENCY AUTHOR'S NOTE! PLEASE READ!
I WASN'T GOING TO UPLOAD THIS YET, BUT CIRCUMSTANCES ARE BAD. (YES, AGAIN.) I'M LOSING MY MUCH LOVED ISP: IN A MATTER OF LESS THAN TWO WEEKS IF NOT DAYS. THE OWNER IS HAVING TO SHUT DOWN HIS BUSINESS DESPITE GIVING IT HIS ALL AND IT'S A REAL TRAGEDY FOR ALL INVOLVED...HE WAS FANTASTIC TO DO BUSINESS WITH...A TRULY HONORABLE MAN.
SO JUST IN CASE I CAN'T FIND AN AFFORDABLE/DECENT HOUR LIMIT ISP--I'M UPLOADING THIS NOW BOTH AS A WAY TO LET YOU ALL KNOW AND TO SAVE IT FROM EDITOR OBLIVION SHOULD THE WORST HAPPEN.
I WON'T BE ABLE TO TIDY THIS UP OR RESPOND TO REVIEWS UNTIL AT LEAST MID APRIL AT BEST.
A/N: This was going to be a second chapter for Drowning...but I love that story too much to pollute it with crack. So it got drop-kicked here instead.
Warning! As the title suggests BatFlash. That means Batman isn't going to be going for Diana here if you catch my drift.
Humor/Romance Mild Slash references. You don't like; I don't care.
Kyer doesn't own DC's stuff. They were just laying about, see, so she moved them around a little, toyed with the idea of keeping 'em, then decided a lawsuit wasn't worth it (barely) and threw in this here disclaimer. Honestly, though, at least I don't kill them. Can DC claim that? No. Talk about abuse....
Actually, speaking of abuse...cover your eardrums. Wally is about to sing. Badly. Intentionally. 'Nuff of the warnings.
Yeah, he may not wear a kick-ass ring,
But he's still my whole heart's only fling!
And though he wears of cape of red,
It's not Superman whose turned this head!
Peeps, it's totally, extremely cosmic in scope:
(Truss me up with Wonder Chick's magic rope,)
Man, I'm no liar!
He's my one desire!
No Batman's ire
Can douse our fire!
"Oh for the love of...Flash? Shut it down before I drop kick you out of this plane," John Stewart growled with some rancor. Understandable as it was his seat that was unfortunately right in front of the source of caterwauling---and the nonsensical noise had been going on without respite for a good quarter of an hour now.
"What? You don't like Classical Flash? How about...
Ain't got no cause to fear, when a Martian's got your rear!
Holds me closer than my tights, On those lonely, lonely nights.
Wally yelped and ducked behind his chair as a glowing green hand made a swipe at his head. "Geez--what did I do now?"
"Some of us are trying to concentrate here," John glared, letting his team mate see the digital reader held in his hand.
"Oh? What'are'ya doing then?" Peering cautiously over the seat back to make sure The Green Lantern didn't have any more constructs ready to dispense excessively aggressive art criticism, Wally snorted at the small screen. "Isn't that the same crossword puzzle you've been doing for the last hour, John?" He cheekily added, "Why don't you have Batz call Oracle for the answers?
"It might surprise you to learn that the object of puzzles are to figure them out for yourself. Besides, this isn't a crossword...it's a hieroglyphics instruction manual written in Oan, and your yowling has the power to cancel out all human and probably most alien cognitive thought."
"Whosa'what?" Wally's voice oozed confusion. He knew darn well that John was getting irritated by his antics, but it was such fun to wind his friend up by pretending ignorance of words with more than one syllable.
"Logical thinking. Don't strain your brain. Or my hearing."
With a scowl, Wally leaned back into his seat and folded his arms. It's just songs, GL."
"Screeching a bunch of words does not a song make."
"You just don't like artistic expression or my ability to write love songs."
"You made that tripe up on the spot--" Batman's voice from the pilot's chair also sounded aggrieved. He'd might have been farther away than Stewart was, but still definitely well within hearing distance.
"Well, I'm talented that way, Wally grinned. Batman's grimace deepened at the continued, unabashed flippancy and despite that he was facing away from The Flash--they all knew it.
"...rather poorly versed and with the sole purpose to annoy us."
The speedster grinned even wider. "I'm talented that way, too." He tapped his ear communicator. "J'onn? S.H.I.T. Scenario four."
"S.H.I.T.?" John raised an eyebrow. This did not bode well.
There was a hesitation during which Wally set his ear antennae from internal to external speakers--loudest volume.
"Hello, snookums, would you like a foot rub today or something of a more personal touch? " Batman's sultry voice flooded the air space inside of the javelin just as Batman's image came over the screens.
He had a spa towel over one shoulder.
"Batman?" The onscreen Dark Knight jerked back a step in surprise, rapidly changing form to reveal a flustered J'onn J'onzz. "Flash, what--? Why did you ask for Super Hero Impression Trick Scenario #4 with the real Batman there listening in?"
Wally smirked, but his voice held no sign of anything but pure innocence. "Can I help it if the Caped Crusader's biggest feature is his super-sized nosiness and that he's snooping in on a private conversation?"
"Private? Then the video options are not set to...?" The martian glanced at his instruments for verification. "...on. They are on. Oh gods." He made a grab for a switch and the screens went dark.
John coughed, pretending to study his 'manual'. "Five letter word for idiot in deep S.H.I.T. Starts with an F."
The speedster's head titled for a second as he ran through possible combination at hyper speed. "No such word."
"Not according to my reference material."
Over the antennae speakers, J'onzz fearful voice could be clearly heard. "Gods of Mars on a Pez stick. Batman heard me impersonating Batman... I'm ambulatory dead meat, aren't I?"
"Yes..but not as soon as a Black-eyed Flash is going to be," John mockingly reassured him. "He seems to have forgotten he is currently in an enclosed jet with no way out."
Wally's smile disappeared quicker than unattended food in the cafeteria as Batman stabbed the auto pilot button so hard it squeaked. "Oh shit..." Flash gulped. "Exitexitexit---Batz, listen, we can't fight or throw batarangs or any other pointy, perforating projectiles in here...might cause a crash if they hit something...then the jet pieces will fall down...hitting people and puppy dogs--you don't want puppy dogs to suffer, do you?"
John frowned. "Not that I don't think he deserves it, but...kid has a point."
In answer, a dark and scary-looking gauntlet reached for another--red--button. The side doorway slid open, sucking a wide-eyed Flash out of the plane before even he could react.
"Wally!"John stared disbelieving at the howling, sucking hole where the speedster had been standing just a moment before. Sure, the speedster had been asking for some form of retaliation, but....the kid didn't have the ability to fly! "I better go--" He was in the process of standing up to fly after him when Batman pushed past and leaped out of the same hole. John rushed to the opening. Below he could make out two shapes. One red with blurs for legs as he attempted to run while still plummeting downward; the other a streamlined black arrow heading straight for the first. When it got closer, black 'wings' jutted out from the second figure, but miraculously didn't slow him down by much.
Shaking his head, John went for the pilot seat of the otherwise abandoned Javelin.
No way was he getting in the middle of that one.
The Fastest Man Alive was trying hard not to panic---he really was.
Okay, so it wasn't like this kind of thing had never happened to him before. He'd once jumped out of a plane years ago--and on purpose, too--in order to save a falling airline stewardess during an attempted hijacking. Albeit a bit worse for wear by the time he hit the ground and in need of a new suit from the trees that had tried to slice and dice him more thoroughly than an As Seen On TV kitchen gadget, he'd survived the experience with the damsel safely cradled close to his body. That had been a scary experience for both parties because he'd jumped out without a clue as to how he was going to save either of them.
This...? (Wally glanced down at the swiftly approaching ground. He then looked up into the general vicinity of where he had come from and saw the rapidly descending herald of doom.) This was a nightmare.
Batman was swooping down towards him like a vampire bat who'd sighted a particularly hapless red wally bird in mid molting. It was enough to make him forget to keep his legs forming that cushion of air to slow his descent. The ground started coming up even faster. If he didn't do something to decelerate he was going to die like he'd lived---fast.
Then again, becoming a smear spot on the planet's surface might be a better and quicker end than letting Batman catch up. All he had to do was hope gravity was more powerful than The Bat's rage.
What to do?
Eeny, meeny, miney, mo...
Wait...ah hell....rocket boosters? Where did Bruce keep rocket boosters in that suit?! "Awww--fuuuuu--"
For a moment Wally fought to breath against the combined pressures of free fall and arms wrapped tightly around his torso. On the other hand, why he was bothering to get another lungful when...
"Erm...Hi, Batz. Is this where I die a horrible death? Because--honestly--I could have managed that all by myself. No trouble." He gestured at the rapidly approaching ground.
"Or you could kill me because--really---can't stop you; but would you make it quick seeing as I hate slow--"
"Don't I get a last word?"
Good old Bruce--always so decisive during a crisis.
The wings that Batman was wearing opened more fully. Next thing Wally knew they were skirting the tops of trees and buildings at high speed. The velocity Wally could handle with ease. The looks of sheer terror on the faces of those pedestrians who spotted them were old hat. The grimace on the face of his savior/executioner combined with the others, though....
"What about a pair of clean underwear for my funeral?!"
"I'll lend you a pair of mine."
"Yeah, but mom always said---wait---yours?"
Lips pressed against his...then a tongue---effectively shutting him up at last.
"Mine," Bruce responded.
Wally could live with that.