The Downward Spiral

Author: Mònica

Rating: PG-13 for a bad word

Summary: Do you think Hell exists?

Author notes: This piece it's angsty... i think. It all came to my mind after reading recent spoilers that made me remember a personal experience. Title is taken from a Nine Inch Nails record. Last sentence comes from the Snow Patrol song "You could be happy".

The Downward Spiral

My name is Natalia, Natalia Rivera... and i can assure you hell exists. Hell is not place in another time or dimension full of human-shaped forms with their skins painted red and dead people burning in pyres... no... Hell is in the same timeline our world is because Hell is committing the same mistake once and again. Hell is using a human being not to confront your real feelings for another human being. Hell is driving away your son because you cannot make him understand what you feel is beautiful and amazing and normal. Hell is trusting other people advice forgetting about your own heart and mind. Hell is running away without thinking about the consequences.

Time doesn't heal or mend a broken heart. Time only makes yourself grow used to the pain. Every morning you wake up and for a few seconds everything is perfect and smile draws in your face. But, suddenly, you remember and you have to gasp for air because memories suffocate you. You turn around but you don't find your lover's body because she's in another lover bed. There are no children running around the house and making a mess of your kitchen trying to surprise you by making breakfast. There are no more movie nights on Fridays or lazy Sunday mornings spend in the park after church. There are no more stolen glances filled with love when you think the little girl is not observing your behavior. The only thing you find is emptiness. An emptiness that fulfills every inch of your body and soul.

Doctor says i should take better care of myself and i know she means mentally and not physically. I take my vitamins, i don't over-work, i eat healthy and i don't drink though i would very much like to drown myself into a glass of Jack Daniel's grand reserve. And, though, i try fervently to move on my heart keeps returning to her again and again. And my mind can't seem to stop reminding me i fucked up... yes fucked up... things a big time.

My name is Natalia Rivera and i am in hell.

Somehow everything i own smells of you... and for the tiniest moment it's all not true.