Part I: How Calendars are the Root of All Evil
I was awoken quite rudely by my mother screeching something about The Price is Right.
"Why didn't you say $3.50?" she was yelling. "It was $3.50!"
My mother was an avid game show watcher who's never missed an episode of Wheel of Fortune/Price is Right/Match Game in her life. She tends to play along, but not with Jeopardy. She majorly sucks at Jeopardy.
I grumbled a bit using un-ladylike profanity, and rolled onto my side to go back to sleep. Until I realized that it was Bella's wedding day. It was circled on my 3,650 Things to Be Happy About calendar in bright red Sharpie marker.
Today's happy thing was: the smell of a Christmas tree. I became very offended at my 3,650 Things to Be Happy About calendar for not thinking about the Jews. They have no idea what a Christmas tree smells like. They know how it feels to get candle wax from the Menorah dripped on your arm by your senile grandmother.
The next thing I know someone was banging on the door while my mother was screaming about The Showcase. I answered the door hoping Mom ordered pizza at eight in the morning because I was freaking hungry. No. It was just Angela.
She had her dress draped over her arm, and her chestnut hair done up in pink hair curlers. She looked like she was going to start bawling.
"I don't know how to get them out," she said.
"How can you say that?" I asked. "You knew how to put them in."
Angela scrunched her face up even more, and a few tears started swimming in her eyes. I brought her into the house, sat her down next to my mother and began taking the curlers out of Angela's hair.
"Did you just wake up?" Angela sniffed.
I nodded setting the rollers on the ottoman near my mother's feet. "I actually kind of forgot that the wedding was today."
Angela's eyes widened. "How could you, Jess? This is a special time in Bella and Edward's lives! They would want you to be there! If you weren't there it would-"
I yanked a roller out of her hair and she immediately stopped running her mouth. A squat, old lady on the TV started spazzing out because she won a new set of china, a fancy sports car she would never drive and a trip to Bermuda. She was jumping around and trying to make out with Bob Barker.
"Please Angela," I said. "Bella doesn't even want me there. We haven't spoken since graduation."
"Well go for me," Angela replied wincing as I yanked another roller out of her hair. "and Mike."
I frowned. Mike was almost as excited about being invited to Bella's wedding as the lady on The Price is Right. Then I reminded him that Bella was getting married to Edward, and his big head immediately deflated. This prompted me to get super, mega pissed off at him since he's supposed to be my boyfriend.
My mother took this as a cue to join the conversation. "Oh. There's a wedding today?"
"Mom," I said flatly. "The whole town's been talking about this wedding ever since Mrs. Hayes saw the giant rock on Swan's finger. How have you not heard about this?"
"I better get ready!" my mother jumped up from the couch and stretched. "Are there going to be any eligible bachelors at this shindig?"
I shrugged. "I have no idea, Mom. Please don't show up looking like a hooker."
Mom laughed airily, and glided off to her room. I finally finished Angela's hair and chucked the last roller on the ottoman. She smiled brightly and gave me a hug.
"Are you still mad at Mike?" she asked.
"I will never forgive him," I said shaking my head so that all my unmanageable hair hit me in the face. "Not for as long as I live."
Part II: My Brain is Messed Up
Angela was deeply disturbed about how I forgot about Bella's wedding. She had been thinking about it all week.
"I took Joshua and Isaac with me to shop for their present," Angela said. She was sitting on my bed, already dressed in a cute salmon pink get-up that a doll might wear. "They didn't have a registry, so I just got them a teapot. Did you know my mom's best friend gave her a teapot on her wedding day?"
I found my dress under a pile of shoes in the back of closest. I must have bought it and then forgot about it, as I did often these days. My head was so full of thoughts that I didn't have time to think about things like wedding dresses. Or wedding presents.
"We were supposed to get them a wedding present?" I asked.
"Have you ever been to a wedding?"
"Shit!" I exclaimed scrambling out of my closet and simultaneously scraping my knees on all my pointy stiletto heels. "Shit shit shit shit!"
Angela's mouth dropped open like it does it cartoons. "Jessica!"
"Mike probably got her something stupid like a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine!" I cried. "He got me that for my birthday last year, remember?"
"You'll just have to pick one up on our way to the wedding," Angela said. "I mean really Jessica. How could you forget to buy them a present?"
"I thought it was optional!"
I wrestled myself into a dark green cocktail dress that I forgot I bought while Angela started naming off things I could buy them.
"I'll just pick them up a box of condoms," I said. "Now can we do something about my hair?"
Part III: Getting the Present and the Mike Newton
After we somehow managed to get my hair half-way straightened, Angela and I jumped into her car and drove down to Mike's parent's store so we could pick the traitor up and get a wedding present at the same time.
Newton Olympic Outfitters smelled like moldy socks and grape soda. I always hated going in there because of the rancidness of it all, but I was desperate. Karen Newton, Mike's mom, was arranging the ski display even though it was August and no one skied in August unless they lived in Australia.
She brightened when she saw Angela and I enter the store. I wondered if Mike told her about our fight. Karen always found some way to wiggle herself into our affairs the same way I tried to wiggle myself into a pair of size 2 jeans.
"You girls look lovely!" she said fluffing her bottle blond hair. "Mike's in the back. I'll go get him."
While Karen went to retrieve the traitor, Angela gave me a 'now-don't-say-anything-dumb' look. She think she's knows me. Well I'll show her.
Mike appeared seconds later wearing a suit too big for him. His hair was actually combed for once, but he still looked like the biggest dork alive.
"Jessica forgot to get a present," Angela said like she was tattling on one of her younger brothers.
Karen laughed through her nose. I smacked Angela upside the head with a nearby ping-pong paddle.
"Jess is a very forgetful person," Mike said. He probably expected this of me while Angela sees the good in all human beings. She should seriously consider becoming a nun.
"Well what did you get them?"I asked.
"A Snoopy Sno-Cone machine."
We stared at each other for a moment. Angela and Karen held their breath, waiting for my response.
"No you didn't."
"You know me so well," Mike said smiling. "I didn't get them anything either. I think my presence alone is a wonderful present."
At that point I didn't even give a shit about the present anymore.
Part IV: Driving Over to the Cullens or How We Got Lost
First off, Angela is a horrible driver.
She doesn't have road rage (Lauren) and she doesn't drive like an old lady (Mike), but she does have a sucky relationship with directions. Mike and I knew how to get to the Cullen's, but we were too busy arguing.
"I said I was sorry, Jess," Mike said for the millionth time. We were sitting in the back of Angela's car surrounded by Beanie Baby kittens named Mopsy and Mrs. Paws (which resembled Santa's wife, Mrs. Clause. How clever!).
"Sorry isn't enough, Mike Newton!" I shouted. "You are a bastard by default! This was what you were programmed to do!"
Angela swerved a little to the left. "Stop yelling, Jess! You're stressing me out!"
I crossed my arms and inched away from Mike so I could press my face up against the window. I had such shitty taste in men. I just knew that Mike was still in mad, crazy love with Bella. Since she was swept off her feet by Cullen already, Mike had to settle for me.
"I think we're lost," Angela said.
"Why don't you ask Jessica how to find the way there?" Mike said bitterly. "She apparently knows everything."
I reached over and pinched Mike on the neck. He yelped causing Angela to almost drive into a ditch.
Part V: What Happened When We Finally Got There
"I hope we're not late," Angela said dragging us to the back of the Cullen's McMansion where the wedding was taking place.
"Who cares," Mike and I said.
Part VI: What I Was Thinking During the Ceremony
Ugh. This thing is going to take forever. I haven't been to a wedding since 1995. Are they supposed to be this boring? Angela's dad needs to get a better toupee. Why did he think that a toupee was even a good idea?
Look at Mike. I don't understand what's so special about Bella Swan. He's got me after all! I think a super Jew with cute hair and a sparkling personality pwns a vapid Cullen lover with no awesome adjectives to describe her. He's practically drooling over her. I can literally see the drool coming out of his mouth.
I need to rent Four Weddings and a Funeral. Hugh Grant would be a better boyfriend than Mike Newton, even if he did cheat on Elizabeth Hurley with a prostitute. He bounced back from that. Oh! I need to rent Two Weeks Notice too. Hugh Grant movie marathon. Yay!
Oh. The wedding's over. Time for cake. But not too much Jessica. Remember that pair of lovely Ralph Lauren jeans you want to buy? Yeah. Those are a size four.
Part VII: I Forgot How Delicious Cake Tastes and Old Ladies are Quite Helpful
I had eaten three pieces already. Who the hell made this cake? It was the best thing I had ever eaten.
Angela and Ben weren't eating any cake, instead choosing to dance. Who would choose that over this cake? It was that good.
It was only on my fourth piece that I realized I had been seated at the "old people" table. I was so immersed in the delicious cake euphoria that I didn't notice. All the women were wearing bright, wide-brimmed hats and pearls. They weren't eating any cake, but drinking a lot of red wine. The men looked solemn and glared at their wives every five seconds.
They're probably wondering why their wives are drinking so much.
"It's an open bar," I said helpfully.
The ladies giggled. Now all the old men were glaring at me. I always seemed to make situations worse.
"Are you alone, sugar?" one of the ladies asked me. Her name was Margaret Pryor, I think. Her cheeks were bright red from drinking too much, and she smelled like cats.
"I'd be better off alone," I said.
The ladies exchanged looks.
"I know that song," another lady said shaking her head sadly. "My husband is the worst man in the world. That old good-for-nothing."
"Then it's a good thing he's dead!" Margaret said slapping her knee.
The ladies laughed their sassy old lady laughs while the men grumbled and considered committing hari-kari with their forks. Suddenly, the ladies quieted down and started giggling again.
"Jessica?" It was Mike. I shoved my face full of more cake.
"What?" I asked curtly.
The ladies held their breath like they were watching some kind of movie.
"Would you," Mike said looking uncomfortable. It took everything I had not to smile like a big idiot. "like to…uh…would you care…I just…um…"
"What the hell is his problem?" Margaret's husband asked sourly.
"Shut up, Marvin!" Margaret snapped. "The boy's trying to say something."
"Jessica," Mike said firmly. "Dance with me."
Part VIII: I Dance With Him Anyway
Because I hated being mad at him for some stupid reason. My Jewish heart was telling me to accept Mike for what he was.
Besides…I could change him later when we get married.
Part IX: Angela Ditches Us on Accident and I'm Kind of Drunk
She was apparently so drunk on Ben-love that she let him take her home, leaving Mike and I at the wedding. With her car keys and her car. How randomly lucky!
Mike drove us home because I "accidently" drank five glasses of wine after I ate all that cake. He told me not to, but the old ladies we're pressuring me to. I think I ended up wearing one of their frilly hats home too. Bonus!
"I want to see a movie," I said.
"Jess," Mike said tiredly. "You have to go home. You're drunk."
"Not a lot," I said. "See!"
I touched my finger to my nose and accidentally poked myself in the eye. Mike laughed.
"Can we please go see a movie?" I asked more politely. I was going to break him if it killed me.
"No," Mike said.
But he took me to the drive-in anyway.