I never intended to write this. But this fic drove me to homicidal fury at first glance, and I think it's high time Bleach got a PPC division.
"Wait, what?" Cassie glared death at the speaker in the wall, hoping it would change its mind. "You've made a mistake."
There is no mistake. You have been transferred to the Bleach division, effective immediately.
"You have to be kidding..." The Asian agent groused, shooting an 'I'm-sorry' look at her partner Alla, who just shrugged in a 'you-can't-help-it' fashion and started helping her partner collect her pet snake and spider's food.
"Alla, I'm so sorry, I never saw this coming—" The apology was cut off by her partner shoving a bag into her arms.
"You can't do anything about it, Upstairs ordered it. Just be nice to your new partner, and come back to visit when you can. Try not to scar them too much." Alla grumped in a manner both businesslike and fond, as the two Agents collected Cassie's possessions into various bags. "Take care of yourself."
"Will do. Good hunting." The two exchanged a quick look of goodbye, before Cassie left the response center, laden with various bags and boxes, as well as the snow leopard throw rug (it had been her kill, and Alla had draped it over her when the other woman had tried to refuse).
After several minutes of wandering in the halls, Cassie found her new and as-of-yet unoccupied response center—it looked the same as her old response center, but that was perfectly fine with her. Settling in her things, she fed the snake and spider, stashing their tanks securely in the closet, before falling asleep at the desk she had claimed, waiting for her partner to arrive.
However long it was later—Cassie's time sense had perished after that one Sue who had somehow crossed an entire Age in the span of a minute, and yet somehow stretched a romantic stroll over a week—the Asian woman jerked awake with a yelp of, "GET THE MATCHES!"
The slightly-disturbed, rather-nervous voice made her start wildly before turning to look at the door, where a slender, relatively nondescript young man with brown hair and brown eyes waited. "Sorry. Bad dream. You are...?"
"My name's Donnie, I was recently assigned to the Bleach division, I'm looking for my new partner..." He trailed off, looking at her. "I take it you're my partner?"
"If you're looking for someone named Cassie, yes, that'd be me." Cassie got up and stretched. "Nice to meet you. What division'd you come in from?"
He looked around a touch nervously, possibly disturbed by the array of weaponry around the small woman, but came into the response center anyway. "Er. I'm sort of new, they said they'd put me with an experienced agent..."
Oh great. New partner. "Well, things as an Assassin are fairly simple. We get assigned a mission, we go into the fic, find the Sue, charge the Sue, kill the Sue. How are you with weapons, by the way?" she inquired conversationally, looking over the items she had collected over her time in the LoTR canon. "We've got flamethrowers, knives, poisons, swords, battleaxes, what's your pleasure?"
"I've got my own zanpakuto, a bolt-action rifle, and some kunai, thanks." Donnie responded, looking more reassured that his partner wasn't entirely insane.
"Good good." Cassie grinned brightly, then spun around at a knock on the door. After answering it, she turned back around with a grin that was, if possible, even bigger. "I got a zanpakuto too!"
Donnie smiled at her enthusiasm, starting to settle his possessions into his half of the room as Cassie tore through the paper wrapped around her zanpakuto and looked down at it proudly, caressing the hilt like a proud mom. "Awwww, aren't you pwetty...? Wonder what your name is, hm?"
"I think its name is on the tag..." Donnie pointed out gently—the Asian woman scooped up the bit of paper and read the sword's name aloud.
"Fennikkusu. Wonder what that means? And no, before you ask, I'm Chinese, not Japanese."
"Actually..." She turned to give her partner an inquiring look, and he continued. "It means 'phoenix'."
"Speak Japanese, do you? Well, that'll be useful in this dimension." Cassie patted the hilt of her zanpakuto gently, digging for a strap to hold the sheathed sword across her back. "Settle in, get comfortable, 'cause any minute now—"
Cassie cut off the beeping by slamming a fist down on the console, making her partner jump, muttering something about "damn laws of comedic timing", before looking at him. "Alla—my last partner—nearly put her fist through our console screen when we were assigned an Elrond-Sue."
"Hugo Weaving fan?" he hazarded.
"Yup. Among other things like poisons, snakes, and general mayhem." she replied absently, before she registered the words she was reading and swore explosively in Chinese. "The title alone is a killing offence."
Donnie peeked over her shoulder warily. "'The Girl Who Changed Thier Lives?'" he read aloud, and winced. "Ouch."
"Meagmai?!" Cassie was very upset. "What sort of name is Meagmai? Oh, this is going to be a doozy."
Her partner was shaking his head, staring at the description. "... and how she changed every1 lives expecially Captain Hitsugayas'. Now that is painful to read." He looked over at the slender Asian woman, noted the tightly clenched fist and deathglare, and put two and two together. "Hitsugaya fan?"
"Yeah, he's a cutie." There was a brief and sunny smile, before she went back to homicidal rage. "Get your gear. I'll get the portal. We'll be Shinigami."
She opened a portal and gestured her partner through, having grabbed a pre-packed backpack and scooping up her zanpakuto in the other hand, before following him through.
"Owwww... my head..." were Donnie's first words when the two Assassins entered the fic. The young man paled, gripping his head hard.
Cassie, far more used to badly spelled Words, patted his shoulder sympathetically. "You'll get used to it. Easy."
He took a deep breath, steadied himself on the wall, and stood upright. "Thanks. Where are we?"
"Tenth Division, near Hitsugaya's office. That's where the Sue enters—and three, two, one—"
A girl came skipping down the hallway towards them—and she suddenly wibbled, turning into a plank of wood for a second.
"Because you were 'board'?" Donnie snorted, while Cassie gave in to more malicious giggles. "Talk about a bad misspelling... and dear God, what a run-on. Not to mention she said "annoyed" about three times in the same sentence. "
"Aw, she's as tall as Hitsugaya... four-foot- four. Wonder if they ever pay attention to stuff like that? Besides, real children don't skip unless they're on drugs." Cassie commented sardonically, then cringed as the self-introduction thundered through her head. "
Hey my name is Megami Ukitake, I live with my mum and dad Joshiro Ukitake and Kiyone Ukitake, I have long blonde hair that I always have tied up in high pigtails.
The scream came from Donnie—taken aback but used to such outbursts, Cassie launched herself at her slightly-taller partner, clamping her hand over his mouth. "She can hear you!" she hissed at him.
He nodded—she slowly took her hand away. "Sorry... just... Ukitake? He's a gentleman, he wouldn't be sleeping with his lieutenant!"
Cassie had her battered notebook out and was already scribbling a charge list. "Misspelling own name, misspelling Ukitake's name... ah screw it, general abuse of spelling and grammar... spawning gratuitous offspring... improbable physiology..."
I have green eyes, my Zunpuckto is a black fire dragon, and of cores I NEVR wear my uniform. Enough about me let's get back to the story.
"And even MORE improbable physiology... I'm Asian and I have -black- eyes and black hair..." She suddenly swore as the mangled word hit her, and nearly stabbed her pen through the paper. "Zanpakuto, thank you very much, you spelling-mangling bitch..."
Donnie wandered over to sit by her, looking quite upset, and she absently patted him on the shoulder, still muttering darkly and scribbling. "Black fire dragon my ass, let's see how you do against Kartoolian paralt... and 'of cores'."
The Chinese Agent looked mildly nauseated. "Of cores we want to throttle you now..." she parodied.
"And she never wears her uniform because she's so speshul..." Donnie scowled, looking over at his partner. "Can I kill this one?"
Cassie glanced at him, then grinned evilly. "Go right ahead."
The two Assassins cringed when they heard Hitsugaya speak 'boringly'. "That is NOT an adverb." was the very annoyed growl from Donnie as the Sue tried to deny her presence.
"You just gave yourself away"
"PERIODS! For the love of God, PERIODS!" Cassie clawed angrily at the wooden floor, nearly leaving nail marks.
Donnie took his partner's notebook and put 'Cruelty to the period' on the charge list—after seeing a sentence end with a comma, he added "and the common comma" to the end of that charge.
Having recovered from her bad-grammar-induced spastic fit, Cassie took the notebook back, looked at the newest charge, and nodded approvingly. "Fast learner."
He grinned—she then winced at the next sentence coming out of Hitsugaya's mouth.
"Megami what did you want? I'm trying to do my paper work here and your distracting me "
"... mixing up 'your' and 'you're'..." Cassie wrote determinedly, denying her urge to commit homicide for now, at least.
There was a sickening lurch and—
"Owwwwww..." Cassie shook her head in a rather dazed manner, turning to check on her partner. "You OK? Stupid POV shifts..."
"I'm fine, I think... where are we now?" Donnie rubbed at a slightly bruised forehead, looking around.
"Sixth Division. We're seeing everything through Renji's eyes, she decided to use his POV." Cassie replied, then hissed, "Oh, she's going to pay for this," as Renji wibbled into a plank of wood and back, thanks to yet ANOTHER misspelling of the word "bored".
"Sun burnt pineapple. And spelled 'pineapple' into 'pineaplle'. How did she pass kindergarten?" Donnie wondered out loud as his partner cringed.
"But BK (that's my nickname I gave to him) I'm bored and I want to do something"
The Agents' eyebrows raised as Megami actually said the parenthetical note, before both let out growls. "Retarded nicknames..."
"Byakuya Kuchiki is -not- Burger King..." Donnie snarled under his breath, glaring daggers at the Sue.
"Easy boy." Cassie murmured, reaching out to put a restraining hand on his shoulder. "Think up creative ways to kill her, and stay put for now."
He took a deep breath, and another, before visibly calming. "Okay..."
Cassie's eyes narrowed to slits as Megami somehow produced a pen, a PINK one at that, from thin air. "What is it with Sues and pink..."
"Can Renji come play now BK?" she asked him
"Come 'play'?" Both Agents echoed the words, eyebrows curving.
"How old is she again?" Donnie wondered.
"Dunno. Looks like she's ten..." Cassie scanned ahead then broke down into disbelieving giggles. "Would you believe she's actually twenty?"
"Twenty?!" Donnie looked aghast. "Does she have some sort of problem?"
"She's a Fluff!Sue, it's normal." Cassie finally composed herself, coughing slightly, only to gape when they saw the mangled name.
"Zuraki? Who—oh." Donnie realized who the Writer was referring to when they saw the imposing figure of Kenpachi Zaraki, with the small pink figure of Yachiru beside him.
"Kenni can u play hop scotch with us"
"GAH! Stupid chatspeak!" Cassie rubbed frantically at her eyes, cursing softly as her partner looked on in bemusement. "Allergic reaction, after an ENTIRE LoTR fic written in chatspeak..."
"Say no more." He handed her a tissue to wipe her watering eyes, and waited patiently till she finished.
"Thanks." She cast him a quick smile, before dropping into homicidalness once more. "Hopscotch... Kenny's more likely to impale you than play your stupid games..."
"It's almost over, thank goodness..." Donnie muttered, nodding fervent agreement at the description of Megami's last line as 'stupid'. "Disguises on?"
Cassie hit a button on their portable Disguise Generator—there was a flicker, and the two Assassins were wearing the standard black Shinigami robes. "Zanpakutos ready, let's go charge and kill her. Hang on, author's note coming—"
Thus forewarned, both Agents grabbed onto the nearest walls for support, wincing as the author's note thundered through their heads.
Ill leave the story here cause it'd l8 and I should be in bed cause I have netball to play tomorrow so yeah……plz review if you can , if u do I will luv u for eva……………..Bella…….. I do not own bleach I only own Megami and the nicknames!!!! =]
"Ugh, that was –painful-." Cassie muttered, shaking her head to get her thoughts back into order. "NOW let's go."
They marched into the office and Cassie spoke authoritatively. "Megami. Your parents are looking for you, please come with us right now."
The Sue followed them out of the office without any protest from a confused Renji, Zaraki, and Yachiru. When they were in a hallway far enough away from Eleventh Division...
" I'll charge, since she's yours." Cassie nodded to Donnie, who stepped forward with an unholy grin, yanked the Sue's 'Zunpuckto' from her grasp, and seized her in a deathgrip around the neck. As Megami struggled and cursed, Cassie cleared her throat and began.
"Megami Ukitake, you are hereby charged with the following: mangling canon names and terms; mangling your OWN name; general abuse of spelling and grammar, including cruelty to the period and the common comma; spawning gratuitous offspring; two counts of improbable physiology, you shouldn't have blond hair and green eyes if you're descended from Asians, as evidenced by myself; four counts of OOCness on the parts of Hitsugaya, Renji, Byakuya, and Kenpachi; having a zanpakuto, that's with an 'a' and no 'c', thank you, that is UNGODLY powerful and essentially a counterpart to Hitsugaya's; gratuitous point-of-view shifting; using chatspeak; annoying PPC agents, namely us, and being a MarySue." Cassie took a deep breath, then continued. "As such, you are condemned to death. Any last words?"
If there were any, Megami didn't manage to get them out, as a blade slashed viciously across her throat and she collapsed, revealing Donnie standing there with a satisfied look and a wrist blade dripping blood.
"Feeling better?" Cassie remarked calmly, picking up her pack and creating a portal back to their response center.
"Yup." Donnie grinned happily as he retrieved his stuff and stepped through, plopping down at his desk.
"No stress a little Sue-murder can't solve, huh?" Cassie grinned ferally as she joined him in the response center, closing the portal behind her. "Welcome to the PPC."
Sorry for the long hiatus, uni has been murder. I'd like to introduce you to my new partner, Donnie, who will be co-writing the Bleach chapters with me, because Alla is not a big fan of Bleach. He's a good friend and a good writer, so expect to see more of him in future.
The original story can be found here: .net/s/5266424/1/The_Girl_Who_Changed_Thier_Lives
It was horrible to read, thank goodness it was only one chapter. I may have to return to this author, it looks like they have other work that needs PPCing from other fandoms. Anyway, till next time!
-Cassie and Donnie