A Soldier's Worst Nightmare

A Soldier's Worst Nightmare

I do not own Gundam Wing (how many times must I keep saying that?)

Heero took the Wing Zero on a separate mission. He didn't' tell anybody what he was planning on doing or where he was going. He himself didn't know. He just had a feeling that he had to go to outer space for some reason. I need to know, he thought, know what my mission is. Who am I? Where do I belong? He knew nothing more than being a soldier and gundam pilot.

"Where the heck is Heero?" Duo asked the other pilots. "Has anyone seen him?" He was in a white tank top with a Hawaiian over shirt (kind of like what Ace Ventura wore all the time) and white slacks. Around his neck was a silver cross.

"Not since yesterday," Trowa replied, wearing a gray tank top and carpenter jeans.

"Have you noticed he's been acting different lately?" Quatre asked, standing up from his chair. He wore a dark blue button up shirt with a black vest and black slacks.

"What do you mean?" Duo mumbled, "he's the same crazy guy he's always been."

"No, Duo," Quatre shook his head, "it's like he's hiding something."

"Heero's always hiding something."

"Aren't we all hiding something from everybody here?" Wufei demanded. "Isn't that why we all became gundam pilots? If Heero's gone somewhere, he wants to be alone." He wore a black long sleeved shirt with gold Chinese characters on the chest and a dragon and black jeans.

"Wing Zero's gone too," Duo said, "why would he take it if we haven't been getting any threats?"

"Duo, come quick!" Hilde shouted, running into the room, "there's an urgent message from outer space!" She wore a purple tank top with yellow seams and white jeans and white tennis shoes.

"What's the matter?" he jumped up and grabbed her arms, "Hilde, what is it?"

"Just come with me, okay?" she led them into the room she was just in. It was the radio room.

Dorothy was still using the microphone and when Hilde came, she got up and let Hilde take her seat, "she wants to speak to you, Hilde," Dorothy said. "Tell her you've got the pilots with you." She remained standing next to the chair and wore an orange knee-length skirt and a white blouse.

"Thanks, Dorothy." She took the microphone and sat down. "This is Hilde Schbeiker. Can you tell me what you saw, please?" she swallowed her fear as she spoke into the microphone. "I have the other gundam pilots with me."

"Yes," a woman's voice answered, "I saw something like a shooting star, but as it came closer, it was Gundam 01, Wing Zero. Then it just, well, exploded in space. There's no way the pilot could have survived."

Trowa blinked. The voice sounded familiar.

"What?" Duo grabbed the microphone from Hilde, "how can that be? Where did you see the gundam? Are you saying that…Heero's dead?"

"I'm not mistaken, sir. I was in my shuttle flying to the L2 colony. I saw the gundam blow up with my own eyes."

"Did it look like it was damaged before the explosion?"

"No sir," the woman's voice answered with concern, "it looked just fine. It flew right by my shuttle and then a few seconds later, it just exploded, like the pilot self…"

"Detonated?" Quatre finished.

"Yes sir. I'm sorry."

"Thank you," Hilde said into the microphone and then switched it off, "Vice Minister Dorlian won't like this." she groaned.

"Won't like what?" Relena entered the room and then eyed everyone's expression. "What's going on?" She was wearing a yellow floral sundress.

"Relena…I just got a call from someone in space. They told me they saw Heero."

"Where is he?"

"In space."

Relena swallowed, "off to fight again?"

"We don't know what he was doing there." Duo said. "We didn't even know he left for space."

"Well, when is he coming back?"

Everyone was quiet and then Dorothy came to her, trying to keep her cries under control, "Relena," she began softly but straight forward, "Heero isn't coming back."

The sorrowful look in her eyes and the straight forwardness in her voice was much more for her to handle, "Heero's…dead?"

"I'm sorry. There was no way he could've survived."

A stray tear formed in her eye and began to fall down her cheek. Dorothy reached for her shoulder to comfort her, but Relena knocked her arm away and left, muffling her cries with her hand.

"This isn't right," Hilde murmured, still sitting down, "I just don't understand!" she rubbed her forehead, "Why would Heero leave to outer space just to commit suicide?"

"Because that's where he lives," Duo answered, slightly rubbing her back, "we all came from outer space."

"Doesn't make it right."

"I'm going for a drive," Dorothy sighed. "I need some fresh air."

"Want me to come with you?" Quatre asked in almost a form of a beg. He longed to be with her.

"Thanks, but I'd rather be alone." She turned around and started walking down the hall. Walking while thinking of how many important and powerful people died, she stopped at the music room and saw Relena crying on top of the piano bench. "Poor Relena," she whispered to herself, shaking her head. Then kept walking.

Quatre rubbed the back of his head, "at times like this, I play music. It's the only thing that can make me feel better."

"Yeah," Duo mumbled. "Later."

Quatre went to the music room and found Relena still crying on top of the piano bench. He came up to her and began rubbing her head, "I'm surprised that you'd be here."

"I'm sorry, I should have known you'd come into this room too." Relena mumbled into her arms. She raised her head and revealed her tear stained cheeks, "I just came to the nearest open room, I didn't want to walk all the way to my room just to cry."

Quatre bent down, "want me to play a song for you? Music helps me cope with a lot of things."

"Thanks Quatre," she wiped the tears from her eyes, "but there's nothing you can say or do to help. Heero's…gone!"

"It's quite a shock." Quatre agreed.

"What made him think he had no way out? I thought Gundam Pilots were supposed to be strong."

"We're just soldiers, Relena," Quatre told her, "not gods."

"I don't understand, Quatre, he's like the perfect soldier! And he died, but not in a war, he killed himself!"

"Maybe he felt like he couldn't live this life anymore," Quatre said simply, "I knew he was acting differently, but I had no idea he'd do something like this again."

"I heard about that," Relena mumbled, "and he survived." She leaned forward and took his hand, "but he survived, right? So, then maybe he'll survive again, won't he?"

"I don't know Relena."

"Won't he? If he's survived so many things in war, how could self detonating stop him now?"

"Relena, I don't know!" he put his hands on her shoulders, "It's amazing how he survived the things he did, I don't know where he got the training for that! But Relena, Heero's just human. He's not immortal!"

"I didn't even get to say goodbye," she said as her voice began to break.

"None of us did," Quatre said as he took her in her arms. "It's awful I know." He began stroking her hair.

Relena tightened her arms around Quatre's neck. She never knew how good it felt to be held in his arms. Heero never held her once although she always hoped he would. But he protected her, why wouldn't he share his feelings with her if he ended up doing his best to protect her? But she didn't care anymore. He was gone and she was being held now, even though it wasn't Heero's arms around her now, she was being held and it felt good. She took advantage of it and unloaded her pain to Quatre. "What am I supposed to do now? I cared so much about Heero."

"I don't know," he pulled back, "you'll have to figure out by yourself."

They looked at each other for a moment and maybe because of the turmoil inside Relena's heart, she kissed Quatre's lips. Quatre's eyes widened and his arms fell to his side. Relena kept kissing Quatre's lips while she gently held his head, something she always wanted to do to Heero but never got the chance to. Heero never loved her like she loved him. He didn't let her get close to him. There was always a wall between them that she couldn't get through, but why? Didn't he care for her at all? These things were swimming though her head while she kissed Quatre.

Quatre got over his surprise and then closed his eyes. He returned the kiss while he started rubbing her back. He was on an emotional roller coaster going a thousand miles an hour. His body ached as if he ran a marathon but he did nothing of a sort. He never did strenuous exercise because of his heart but that didn't keep him from becoming a gundam pilot. The same thing in that went though Relena's head went through his. He always wanted to hold Dorothy like this. Kiss her like this. Be with her like this and she never let him get close to her. But why? He would have done anything for her. It broke his heart to leave her alone on Libra. He could feel the pain she was going through. Her sorrow was so thick that Quatre could have cut it with his fencing coil. The tension and pain was all around them mixed with pure chemistry. He wanted nothing more than to hold her and run his fingers in her hair, but he was a gundam pilot. A kind gundam pilot, but a gundam pilot nonetheless. He had a mission to fulfill. But even after the whole war, he still cared about Dorothy and she still pushed him away. He cared about a lot of people, some people he never got the names of. Like the man he saw in the marketplace who was harassed by soldiers. He didn't get the man's name and he didn't even give him his own. He gave so many people hope for peace, something to believe in. He just hoped he was able to change Dorothy's life. He cared for her and he loved her.

Now he was holding Relena in his arms and tasting her lips, feeling her heart beating close to his. He always wanted to be with Dorothy and never got the chance. But it didn't seem to matter anymore. He just wanted to hold someone. Quatre just wanted to feel needed. No more missions, no more war. Just quiet. He didn't love Relena but she still had a special place in his heart. He sometimes wondered why Heero pushed her away. It was obvious she wanted to be near him. But Heero's gone now and Relena's all alone. Well, without Heero here to protect her, Quatre thought, kissing Relena again, I'm going to take his place. I'll see that she won't be harmed.

Relena felt all the pain go away with each kiss from Quatre. It felt good, oh, so good, just perfect being in his arms. She fetl like nothing could touch her. Why wouldn't Heero hold her like this? Why was he so committed to war? Was war the only thing he thought about? He was so mysterious. But she couldn't cling to him anymore because she was no longer alone. He never loved me anyway, she thought to herself, sliding her lips down Quatre's chin and across his neck, what a fool I was to fall for a guy who tried to kill me. I'm being held now, so why should I feel so sad? It shouldn't matter now, I'm safe. Heero was a strong man, yes, but he's gone and there's no way he'll be back. I'll be okay. Quatre's with me. She thought as she smiled at Quatre, "You're going to take care of me now, aren't you?"

Quatre nodded as he stroked her cheek with his finger, "anything, Relena, anything for you."

Dorothy kept changing the stations and the volume while she drove. She was driving down the country side. Her foot was pressed against the accelerator. Many things filled her mind. Why Quatre, why? Why do you feel like you have to shelter me so much? She thought to herself. She didn't love him in the least, although she was thankful to him. He opened her eyes and she saw the real picture about war and realized it wasn't as beautiful as it appeared to be. It was really ugly underneath the surface. He was so kind to her. But she didn't need him or his kindness.

It was Heero Yuy she had her eyes on. She didn't know why, but she thought it was because he was so brave and strong. She admired the fact that he could just get in his mobile suit and go to war and not worry about dying. And he had no reason too. He was remarkable on the battlefield. Nothing could touch him. She wondered if every soldier was like that. That, was the real beauty of war. Not fearing death and fighting for what you believed in, even if you had to die for it. She took great advantage of their duel. When he stabbed through her helmet and nearly nicked her face, outside she was smiling but inside she was screaming. She practiced fencing for years and she never saw such excellent fencing. She'd never challenge Heero Yuy to a dueling match again. Because he was gone. Tears came to her eyes like bees to honey. She really adored Heero Yuy. She knew that Relena loved him too. That was maybe the only thing they had in common.

"Why," she said, biting her lip as the tears came down, "Why, Heero?" her voice became angered, "why, damn you!?" she kept going faster and faster until she realized she was going over the speed limit and knew no matter how fast she went, there was some things she couldn't run away from. She slowed down and pulled over. She slapped the steering wheel and got out of her car while slamming the door. She banged on the hood.

A white Cadillac slowed down and a girl poked her head out of the passenger window. "Do you need help?" she asked. A man, possibly her father was driving. They thought she had car trouble.

Dorothy suddenly felt stupid. She let her anger control her again. "No, I've got it handled. Thanks." She gave a weak smile and nodded.

"Okay." They drove away.

"These things shouldn't happen to soldiers in war," she muttered to herself. "Where's the beauty and grace in that? Just what kind of soldier are you anyway?" A gust of wind pushed her long hair back. "Damn you, Heero Yuy," she said as her anger rose and her eyes glistened with tears, "Damn you."

"Duo, where are you going?" Hilde demanded, following him to the space shuttle with Deathscythe.

"Outer space, what does it look like?" he went aboard.

"Well then, I'm coming with you." She came up behind him and put her hands on her hips.

"No you're not!" he spun around. "I am going by myself."

"You think Heero's still alive and you're going to look for him, aren't you?" she asked, folding her arms, "well, outer space is big, Duo and it's too much for you to cover by yourself."

"You don't get it do you?" Duo sighed.

"Get what?" she asked, "come on Duo, let me come with you."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes." She nodded, "dead serious. Heero went out there by himself and he tried to kill himself Duo! I'm certain that he's out there floating around in space somewhere and I know where that woman saw him, you don't."

"You're coming along because you think I'll try the same thing Heero did, don't you?" Duo came close and pointed his finger at her. "Hilde, are you afraid that I'll kill myself in outer space?"

She was silent. She turned her head away.

"That's it, isn't it?" he tilted his head to try to meet her eyes. "You're afraid of losing me. Answer me!" He grabbed her and shook her.

"Yes, Duo. I don't want to get another message from a shuttle saying that they saw another gundam self detonate." She said with a frown. "I don't ever want to be in Relena's place, understand?" Her frown turned into a sneer and she knocked his arms down and grabbed him by the collar of his over shirt. "So if you're going to outer space, I'm coming with you Duo Maxwell and there's not a damn thing you can do about it! Understand?"

"God, Hilde Schbeiker," Duo said with a smile, "what would I do without you?"

"You're probably kill yourself or get killed," she said without returning his smile. "I love you Duo and if I hear about Deathscythe exploding in space, it'll just kill me!" she dropped her hand and put it on her chest, "Dammit, Duo, I didn't have to do all those things for you but I did because I believed in you. If you die, what will I believe in? I'll never find anyone else like you so please, don't blow it, okay?" she took his hand, "I couldn't stand it if something happened to you."

"That's why you can't come to outer space with me," Duo said sadly, letting go of her hand, "I don't want anything to happen to you either."

"But Duo, nothing has happened to me because of you. I need you Duo." Her lip trembled as she walked forward to throw her arms around his neck. "I just want to be with you, I don't care what happens, I just want to be with you!"

Duo instinctually tightened his arms around her. He never embraced Hilde before and scolded himself silently because he hasn't. He had feelings for the girl who risked her life for him. Of course he was mad at her, but he was grateful to her. It showed guts. He liked girls with guts. "Okay, if that's what you want." He said into her ear, "you can come with me. Just you and nobody else."

"Nothing will happen as long as we've got each other," she murmured. "Besides, we've had some good times, didn't we?"

"Yeah, some damn good times," he agreed with a smile. He rubbed her back and remembered the memories they shared. "Maybe it is good for you to come with me, because I'm not just going to look for Heero. I'm going to go back home."

"To your colony?" she asked as she pulled back.

"Yeah, there's some old friends I should see and maybe it's good for you to meet them." He sat down in the pilot seat and began to switch the buttons.

She sat in the co pilot's seat. And looked at him. She was about to put on her seatbelt when she quickly fell into his arms and began kissing him.

He returned the kiss and smiled, "what was that for?"

"I just wanted to thank you for letting me come a long," she said, smiling back.

He kissed her again, "you're welcome. Now, let's go to space!"

Trowa began walking to the MS holding unit. He saw that Deathscythe was missing, "now Duo's gone." He cupped his chin, "is he going to try to kill himself too?" His eyes widened up. "Hey, guys!" he ran outside and then bumped into Wufei.

"Dammit, Trowa!" Wufei grumbled as he pulled himself up, "why don't you watch where you're going?"

"Sorry, Wufei," Trowa apologized, "Duo's gone and he took Deathscythe with him!"

"Where's Quatre?" Wufei demanded.

"I dunno. Do you think we should go after Duo?"

Wufei shook his head, "Duo will be fine. He probably doesn't want us coming after him."

"Would he try the same thing Heero did?"

"I doubt it," he pointed to Hilde's Taurus, "because I don't think he's alone."

"Hilde, do you know where we should be going?" Duo asked as he took the controls. They just left the Earth's atmosphere and headed to outer space.

"L2 colony, that's where the witness was headed," Hilde said. "I talked to her again after everyone left. She's waiting for us there."

"Did you catch her name?"

"Yeah. Julianne Foster."

Trowa decided to get his mind off this whole mess by practicing his gymnast techniques. He was on the two rings, flipping around and pulling himself up. The woman's voice on the radio played over and over in his head. "Why is it that she sounded familiar?" he asked himself, holding himself up and then letting himself down. "Why do I feel like I know her?"

He could hear Wufei in the next room shouting and kicking. He too was doing all he knew to get himself away. Wufei kept punching the punching bag and kicking it. Then he kicked it so hard that the bag fell off from the rope. "This shouldn't have happened." He muttered to himself. "Gundam pilots have no reason to be suicidal."

Quatre and Relena were siting outside underneath a tree. Relena had her head resting on Quatre's shoulder. Quatre rested his head on hers. It felt so right. He wondered why he never got the chance to be with Dorothy like this. Where is Dorothy anyway? He thought to himself.

Relena's eyes shot open and she pulled her head off Quatre's shoulder suddenly, like something bit her.

"Relena, what's wrong?" he asked as he put his hands on her arms.

She was breathing very fast, "Heero and I were in outer space and then I saw him die! It was awful! I told him not to go but he wouldn't listen to me!"

"Relena, it's okay," he rubbed her arms a little, "you just had a bad dream. Calm down. Shhhh."

"It was so real." She sighed, laying her head back on Quatre's shoulder. "Heero didn't deserve to die."

"I know." He agreed. "Hey, where's Duo and Hilde?"

"I don't know. I just hope they didn't go outer space to kill themselves too."

"Noo, Duo wouldn't do a thing like that."

Dorothy got lost and pulled into a diner for directions. She got out of her car and looked at her side view mirror. She was a mess. She had tearstained cheeks and her eye make up was smudged. There's no way I'm going in there like this! she thought to herself. She took a tissue and dabbed her face and then applied fresh eye make up. Taking a breath, she went inside.

"Did you hear about the gundam in space?" a old man asked a younger man in a booth.


"The pilot just blew up. Wasn't fighting anyone."

"Why would anyone do that?" the younger man gasped.

"No one knows. Awful isn't it?"

"Sure is. The poor kid."

News travels fast, she thought to herself. "Excuse me," she caught a waitress that was just whizzing by.

"Do you need a table?"

"No, I'm just lost. Never been out here before." She told her where she was trying to go and then the waitress kindly gave her directions. Dorothy began to leave when she was heard the younger man and older man still talking about the gundam pilot.

"Well, I guess the kid must have been a nobody or did something wrong to think he had to do that." The younger man said. "Kids these days, they can do nothing right, huh Dad? I couldn't even get my kids do obey me."

"And I thought you were a handful." The older man said with a laugh, "but you're right son, the gundam pilots were just kids and they shouldn't be piloting those things. What kind of life is that? The poor young fool."

Dorothy's hands scrunched into fists and she stormed to the men into the booth, "How dare you!" she said in a harsh whisper, "I knew that gundam pilot and I loved him! Vice Minister Relena Dorlian loved him too! He was no fool, he was a brave, strong young man!" She pointed her finger at them judgmentally "he was a solder, dammit! Maybe he made a few mistakes, but we all make mistakes! If you've seen the things he's seen maybe you could understand why he did what he did, so you better watch what you say, you old geezer, because it wasn't for him there would be a never-ending winter on Earth, do you understand me?" she put her hands on her hips as angry tears filled her eyes, "if you ask me, you're the fools. That man's name was Heero Yuy and he was a hero. All the gundam pilots are heroes. Just wait until I tell the others this, you'll wish you never been born! How dare you, how dare you!" she knocked their coffee cups off the table and slammed her hands on the table, "Do you understand!!!?"

"Ma'am, I think you should leave," the waitress said.

The two men in the booth looked down at the spill, as if they were waiting for Dorothy to clean it up.

"I'll leave in a minute," Dorothy muttered, her eyes still on the two men, "You'd better be sorry, because it's us, the young ones who will take over, if you have no faith in us then there's something wrong with you. You'll live to regret this day." She shot them a nasty look and then left, slamming the door behind her.

"They had no right to talk to you like that, Heero," she said as she walked to her car. "Aren't you glad I stood up for you? Aren't you proud of me?" she laughed her infamous excited laugh. "Yes, you are, aren't you?" she sat in her car and went home, "just wait until the others hear about what I hafta say."

Duo and Hilde landed on L2 colony. Something in the distance caught Duo's eye. He stood up and got off the shuttle, leaving Hilde behind.

"Duo, wait for me!" she started to unbuckle his seatbelt.

"It's still here, like I left it," Duo said, walking to the rubble. He stepped over something and then brushed the ash off with his foot. Maxwell Church the sign said. He crouched down to pick it up and study it.

"Duo," it was Sister Helen's voice.

Duo took his eyes from the sign and he saw the same spot where he found the dying nun who took care of him. He quickly saw her laying there, blood trickling down her mouth. He shook his head, as if trying to erase the image.

"Duo." She said again.

"Duo," Father Maxwell's voice said.

"Duo," It was Solo.

"Where are you?" he stood up, "Father Maxwell? Sister Helen? Solo?"

"Duo." Louder

"Where are you?"

"Duo." Louder


"Duo." Louder

"Father Maxwell?"

"Duo." Louder

"Sister Helen?"

"Duo!" he felt a hand on his shoulder, "Duo, I was calling you, why didn't you answer me?" Hilde's voice. "Duo?"

"I couldn't save them," he muttered, "couldn't save 'em."

"What, Duo? You couldn't save who?" she tightened her hand on his shoulder. "Is this where your friends were, the ones you wanted me to meet?"

"Couldn't save 'em, couldn't save 'em."

"Duo, you're not making any sense!" she shook him. "Come on, snap out of it, you're scaring me!"

Duo turned his eyes back to where he found Sister Helen, "she died right in front of me."


"Sister Helen," Duo replied sadly. "She took care of me. Father Maxell died when I was gone. I couldn't' save him either." He tightened his fists and growled, "Damn, it was Oz! They killed him when I tried to deal with them. I feel so stupid!"

"Oh Duo, that's so horrible," she said with a sympathetic frown. She wrapped her arms around him, "is that why you don't want me to fight with you? Are you afraid you'll lose me too?"

"Every friend I ever had left me."

"Well, I'm not going anywhere, Duo." She reassured him by tightening her arms around his neck. "There's no place I'd rather be than right here with you."

"Thanks, Hilde," he held her close. "You're the best friend I ever had."

End Part One. What was Heero doing in outer space? Has Relena fallen for Quatre and what are Dorothys' feelings? Will Duo and Hilde find Heero? Find out in Part 2!

I decided to edit this. Chapter 1 and 2 were too short so I made them bigger and turned the font down.