A/N- I do not own Invader Zim and am not making any money off this fic.

This is an Mpreg slash fic. You don't like, don't read. I personally like it. There are several crack pairings in this one as well, including Tallest/Zim, Skoodge/Zim, Sizz-Lorr/Zim, and others. The main pairing is ZADR, though. This story also comes with warnings: Oral sex, fisting (sexual term for shoving knuckle into privates), strong language, graphic detail, repeated Mpreg, nonconsenual sex (ie-rape), fetishism, and use of toys. Any other warnings will be added on later. No flames. You've been warned.

For more crack pairings, go take my poll! The winning couple will get a sexy M rated oneshot!! Please and thank you.

Enjoy. Love, Sai-chan.

The condom was wrapped in bubblegum pink plastic so that it looked like a small piece of candy. Dib stared down at it in what could only be described as mild amusement. He wasn't sure if he would ever use it, as he knew the brand was probably the most unreliable on the market. Still, he'd taken it when his sex education/math teacher had passed around a giant bin of the things. Everyone in the class had taken at least one, if only to appease the otherwise erratic teacher. Of course, none of the students needed the condoms. As far as Dib knew, just about everyone in the class kept a couple spares in their wallets. After all, he really couldn't name one of them that wasn't sexually active. Half of his graduating class was pregnant or attempting to become so. Thus, it was virtually a complete waste of money for the teacher to have bought and handed out all those pink condoms. Nevertheless, he had taken one.

Walking down the sidewalk on his way home, Dib turned the pink rubber over before pocketing it. He wouldn't use it, but at least he had it if he needed it. Unlike the majority of his classmates, Dib wasn't 'sexually active'. That wasn't to say he was a virgin, for he wasn't. He'd lost his virginity when he was fourteen to an unnamed assailant by the school parking lot in the backseat of a purple car. He'd never mentioned this to anyone, although several people claimed that they knew he wasn't a virgin anymore. Even if he wasn't a virgin anymore, he wasn't sexually active. Dib couldn't say he had taken a vow of secondary virginity. He would accept any interesting advances if there were any. As it stood, though, there weren't and he had fallen into a form of graphic celibacy. After all, there was still his staggering amount of exposure to sex in the way of high school and the internet. Either way, Dib found himself uninterested in what he saw and heard. He had experienced what he wanted to relive. Until the opportunity arose where he could do it all over again, he maintained his solitude.

Sighing then, he turned right rather than left at the fork in the road at the end of the block. To the left was his actual home, where he knew his younger sister would be heading to bombard the television with video games. To the right was a lengthy strip of sidewalk the eventually lead to a small cul-de-sac. This was where he headed. The sun was high in the air, creating a sauna like feel to the stretch of pavement he strolled down. Dib knew that there was really no reason to be putting himself through this grueling walk. He should have just gone home and settled into his plush computer chair to surf the net for footage of alien life forms. Instead, he started down that path to the cul-de-sac where that awkward little green house was nestled between two bigger apartment buildings.

Within about ten minutes, he approached this strange homestead. The yellow fence lead to the walkway right up to the brightly colored house. Dib glanced idly at the gnomes as he jumped the gate and landed on the soft ground. He saw the eyes of those androids glow red, but they didn't fire any lasers. He waved to them, knowing that there were cameras attached to them, then made his way up to the front door. He rang the doorbell with the 'ring me' written around it. A sound echoed deep within the place, resounding much further then the minuscule length of the floor plan. For a second, Dib stood there in the summer heat, waiting. Then there were a couple screams, one in an utterly foreign language, before the door was pulled open.

Standing there, huffing and puffing, was Irken Invader Zim. His false human purple eyes stared at Dib in annoyance that seemed a bit excessive. The black wig he wore was slightly askew, the locks falling down in straight streaks to his shoulders. He was dressed in his usual military uniform, except in that he wasn't wearing his gloves. In one hand, he held them. Seeing that it was only Dib, though, he stuck out his tongue and shuffled away from the door. He began to tug his gloves on using a mixture of his teeth and his fingers. As he did, Dib slipped inside and shut the door.

" What're you doing here, Dib-human? I told you to just send the homework through the computer transmissions tonight," Zim stated, pulling off his wig and tossing it onto his couch. Dib gave a one armed shrug. He merely dropped his backpack onto the floor and scooped up the soft wig.

" Yeah, I know. I was just bored. I figured I could come on over. Maybe we could play video games or spy on the other Invaders or I don't know, something," he answered absentmindedly. He followed the alien through the living room to the mismatched kitchen/bathroom. Zim trooped over to the newly installed pantry lift and punched the arrow pointing down. Both of them stepped aboard the narrow lift that was about four by four feet, " Did I catch you at a bad time?"

" As a matter of fact, you did. ZIM!" he announced his name in that dramatic way he tended to do, " Has a transmission conference with my Tallest in about ten minutes. I have to report in my latest discoveries about this pitiful dirt clod you call home. I can't miss it or my Tallest will worry. As it stands, though, you may attend, as you are already here. Your testimony could prove useful,"

" Testimony?" Dib questioned as the red light above the sliding doors of the lift suddenly lit up. The doors whizzed open, revealing a long, winding hallway like the numerous ones that made up the underground base of the alien. Zim marched out of the lift, leading the way to where ever his conference call was going to be made from. The human hurried to keep up with his sauntering stride, " Testimony for what, exactly?"

" How humans reproduce,"

At that, Dib stopped walking. For a moment, he wondered if he had misheard Zim. Of course, having known the Irken for the better part of a decade, he knew there was no way he'd misheard him. Swallowing dryly, then, he continued to walk down the metal road that was probably twenty or more feet underground. He wasn't sure why he was so surprised that Zim was going to be discussing the human mating rituals and reproduction cycles with his race's leaders. He was, after all, an alien invader. His job on Earth was to research the humans in order to collect valuable information that would be used in a hostile takeover some time in the future. Regardless, Dib gave Zim a bit of a strange look as he mulled over what he thought the alien might know about sex and babies and pregnancy.

As much as he knew about Zim, he assumed whatever it was, it was wrong or at least, partly wrong. Zim may have been qualified in the destruction part of his job, but Dib knew that the information gathering part was lacking. Part of that was simply because Zim was often caught up in some random act of evil, mostly directed at school mates or others who frustrated him. Part of it was sheer incompetence. Sensing this, Dib decided to stick with him and offer his insight during this conference. For everything that had ever come between them, the human didn't want his species most intimate ritual turned into something silly and stupid over an intergalactic broadcast between invaders.

Noble as the desire was, Dib knew better then anyone how crazy it sounded for him to be aimlessly wandering through an alien's military base without even the slightest indication of putting an end to the inevitable takedown Zim intended for his home planet. Yet, he wasn't going to pull out a camera and start filming the encounter with aliens or anything of the sort. He wasn't going to tackle his once enemy and demand he put a stop to whatever scheme he might have in the works. Rather, he just glanced around at the somewhat familiar light fixtures and piping on the walls. He heard the maniac laughter of Gir and just smiled. He followed Zim deeper into the base until they reached the intercom room. There was a giant screen in the room, taking up the majority of the wall, as well as a control panel and some other random junk that meant nothing to the human. Whereas the Irken marched over to the control panel and began setting up for his transmission, Dib just sat down on one of the square looking blocks. He didn't plug anything in to disrupt the signal. He didn't pour acid or anything over the controls to prevent this communication. He just started to play with the wig he continued to hold on to.

There were a million possible things he could have said or done that would have made the paranormal society proud. Dib didn't do any of them, though. As he had learned years ago, it was completely pointless to try and stop Zim. He knew it would be pretty easy. His alien counterpart wasn't entirely sane and his security had numerous, glaring flaws to it. There were plenty of opportunities to sabotage him. However, Dib had eventually figured out that there was nothing that would get Zim to leave Earth. As he had discovered, Zim wasn't leaving partly because he was stubborn and partly because he had nowhere else to go. Dib wasn't sure as to why, but Zim wasn't allowed to go back to his home planet. He couldn't really get the alien to be upfront about it, but, from what he could tell, something had happened and he couldn't return until he had proved himself a worthy Invader. That sounded like it could be potentially dangerous for Earth. The other piece of information Dib had gathered, though, was that Zim wouldn't really be conquering Earth until the Irken Armada arrived with the Tallest and rest of the military. For another unknown reason, it didn't seem like the Armada would ever be landing on Earth to help Zim annihilate the planet.

Upon learning this, Dib had initially wanted to ridicule Zim about his apparent failures. Instead, a different side of the human had emerged. The side that was vastly curious about alien life and the worlds that existed beyond the Milky Way. Over the course of a year, Dib had decided that, as Zim wasn't really a threat to Earth, he wanted to get to know him, if only to get information on aliens and Irk and everything. He had been met with a wall of opposition, of course, as the alien himself wasn't keen to the idea of befriending something he intended to destroy. The moment when both had agreed to disagree on the future of the planet and put aside those differences for the sake of personal gain came in seventh grade.

After spending two years on Earth, Zim had yet to grow any taller. That was, of course, because he had already reached his full height. He was considered small and short on Irk. On Earth, he was still at the height of a young child when he was supposed to be hitting puberty in a couple of years. In his desperation to blend in, Zim had been forced to seek out help from the only person who knew he was an alien. Dib had spent a year searching in vain for a way to breech the gap between the two of them. Suddenly, he had his moment to shine. He readily accepted the plight of the frustrated alien. Together, they had examined the contents of the Pak attached to Zim's back. Not only was it incredibly important to his life, but it contained all the information about him. Although Dib couldn't read Irken, he learned a couple things just by the diagrams. The first and foremost had made him stop and stare at Zim for the longest time since the very first time he had ever met him.

Irken Invader Zim, the Almighty alien annoyance, was female.

The Irken term wasn't female. For all tenses and purposes, he wasn't really a female. He just had a certain feature about his anatomy that made Dib think of him as being a traditional female. To be honest, it was more or less, a lack of something about his anatomy. To that end, Zim didn't have any form of shaft that Dib could see on a diagram of the alien's body. When he'd been looking through the diagrams, trying to locate one that was supposed to show a chart on all of the other's measurements and functions, he had stumbled upon what appeared to be a graphic drawing of Zim, completely and utterly naked. Seeing a smooth surface down below, Dib had practically choked to death on his sharp intake of air that doubled as a gasp. He had spat out that he didn't know Zim was a girl and had apologized for calling him a 'he' for the past two years. Like always, the alien had been confused as to what he was rambling on about. Dib had fumbled around to tell him that he didn't know he was a female.

What followed had been hysterical laughter and Dib's very first lesson into Irken anatomy and gender. Zim wasn't a female, not by Irken standards anyways. He was most definitely male. At his privates, he had a long slit that went from his lower belly to between his legs that opened up to a tender cavity inside. Inside there was a surface that constituted as a shaft, as well as sacs that were his balls. They were inside him for that's just how Irken were built nowadays. As Zim explained it, to further their species, the Irkens had removed the need to procreate by removing the genitalia that the aliens had once possessed; males had a shaft and females had a cavity that lead to uterus of sorts. Nowadays, males were built like Zim, whereas females had an empty cavity. Irkens thus reproduced by artificial means by way of test tubes and computer programming. Zim failed to mention how Irkens made love anymore, but did make mention that it was still possible for some rare Irken to conceive life naturally. He didn't go into that, though. After that explanation, he had merely laughed away the idea that he could possibly be female.

Despite technically being a girl, Dib had learned to accept that Zim wasn't female. He eventually shrugged off the diagram as an 'alien thing' and continued his search for the correct chart. Throughout the search, though, he had wondered what Zim actually looked like naked. He had withheld the request until after he had located the chart with Zim's measurements and the like on it. From there, the process Dib had been asked to aid in began. The two of them had put their heads together to perfect a way to make the alien taller. In due time, they had discovered a way to manipulate the information so that the Pak would ultimately change the way Zim appeared in actuality. Adjusting his height to match something of a normal human height, five three, they had set the Pak to adjust his body to match. The process had been impressively painful to behold, not to mention experience. In the end, however, Zim's body had been changed to the correct height.

Accordingly, he had filled out to match his new height. Dib had been impressed, he had to say, by what Irkens looked like when at human proportions. Zim had a shapely, slender form with curved hips and a rounded bottom. The human had been unable to stop grinning as the alien had stood up and examined his body. He hadn't noticed that his uniform had torn around the seams until Dib had gasped out in shock all over again. As the uniform had been nearly ripped off, Dib had gotten to see just what Zim looked like naked. He had stared, speechless, at the surprisingly attractive slit that smoothed up the other's front. Before he could take a closer look, however, Zim had figured out he was basically naked and had quickly clothed himself in a spare jacket that he'd used as a disguise in the previous years. The thing at been tight around his hips, but covered his privates. Shortly thereafter, Zim had radioed in to his Tallest to receive new uniforms and everything, as well as to explain his increased height.

From that moment on, the war between the two seemed to become an unspoken matter. On Dib's part, he was far too curious about Irkens to want to kill the only one he knew. For Zim, he needed help adjusting to human life more then he'd assumed, so he kept around the only one he could trust. They both knew that perhaps one day they would be facing each other with lasers and guns again, should the Armada ever actually arrive. Until then, though, they shook hands on a truce. To that end, they both decided they needed some sort of leverage over the other to continue with their brutal friendship. Zim had implanted a chip into Dib's neck that would blow the human's head off should the signal from Zim's Pak shut off for over a week; that was only possible if the alien died. Dib, on the other hand, had taken several photographs of Zim without his disguise and of the Voot Cruiser that proved without a doubt that he was an alien. Should Zim ever betray Dib, he could turn him in and he would be dissected. Should Dib ever betray Zim, his head would explode a week later. To sweeten the deal, both of them had given the other coordinates to their home town as well as some juicy gossip. Dib admitted that he had sabotaged the launching of an alien communicator because he wanted to be the first to communicate with aliens. Zim confessed to having cheated his way through his piloting exam by blowing up his trainer because he wouldn't be allowed to become an Invader with shoddy piloting scores.

With that blackmail in place, the two's relationship had evolved from a screaming match to a bittersweet friendship. The two still got into tiffs about Earth and human things. However, they also goofed off by playing virtual video games by launching mini Voot cruisers into space and piloting them from their own homes. They scribbled notes back and forth from class to class about idle gossip. Zim introduced Dib to the Tallest and enlisted him in spying on the other Invaders. Dib taught Zim about Earth and asked him to help play pranks on school bullies. Together, they grew up during a six year long friendship. They had inside jokes, memories, and secrets that they kept between just the two of them. They called each other at random when bored, visited the other's house for long periods of time, and even developed pseudo pet names; Zimmy and Dibbie, respectfully. They had, dare he think it, become friends.

For that reason alone, Dib didn't do anything remotely paranormal while he sat on that metal block something in the middle of Zim's base. He twirled his fingers around the silky smooth black locks of the wig still held in his hands. The alien, though, typed away on the massive keyboard in the center of the control station. An Irken symbol then appeared on the screen much like a dial tone. There was a pause, then an alien dressed in a jacket that covered his mouth appeared on the screen. Dib arched an eyebrow at the random communication tech, briefly wondering if Zim was having issues sending out a signal to his mothership. The tech stared at Zim for a second before both hesitantly saluted one another out of respect for the other's position.

" The Almighty Zim!" Zim started off, cutting whatever the tech was about to say short, " Is expected to make a transmission to the Tallest today regarding my ongoing mission on planet Earth. Patch me through, or feel the wrath of the IRKEN ELITE!!!"

" Uhh. . ." the tech paused in confusion, his eyes gaining a truly bewildered look. Dib snickered under his breath, having dealt with Zim's antics long enough to be used to his frequent changes in pitch and habit of speaking in third and first person interchangeably. Clearly, this alien was not, for it took him about three tries to get out what he was attempting to say, he was so flustered, " The Tallest are not aboard the Massive, Zim. They have. . . stepped out for the day,"

" Enh? Stepped. . . out?" Zim repeated slowly, his eyes narrowing first in confusion of his own, then irritation. He waved his hand dismissively at the tech, " Impossible. The Tallest would never leave on the day of my report. You must be mistaken. I demand you patch me through to them and cease with these silly little games,"

" Zim. . . I'm not joking. The Tallest are not here,"

" YOU'RE LYING!!!!" he screeched, pointing at the screen without the slightest hesitation. Dib wanted to tell the tech to save himself the trouble and just cut the transmission, but he didn't. He knew better then to interrupt one of Zim's intergalactic phone calls.

" No. . . I'm not. I'm telling you, they're not here! I have other calls to patch through!" the tech protested, jabbing his finger off screen at something neither of them could see. Zim was beginning to grow agitated, his antennae slicking back in apparent anger. The human smiled to himself as he petted the wig in a semi amused way, " So, have a good day,"

" No! Wait! Don't!" Zim yelled out as the screen went black without much warning. He blinked and stared up at the thing in shock, his face nearly blank of all emotion. Letting out a wild, meaningless wail, he slammed his fists into the dark glass, " No! My Tallest! Dammit! I prepared all night looooong for this transmission! I have the Dib! I have charts! I have a really cool introduction! ZIM demands that you listen to him! My Tallest! Dammit! Answer me!!"

" Uh. . . Zim?" Dib asked quietly as the alien punched the intercom button. He knew Zim was attempting to radio back into the Massive, but he wasn't entirely sure he ought to. If the tech had been telling the truth, then there simply was no point. If he had been playing a joke, however, the last thing the Tallest needed to see was Zim furious and cussing should he establish another connection. Thus, Dib slipped off the random block thing and shuffled over to where Zim was typing rapidly on the controls, " Hey, maybe they really weren't there? They are the leaders of an entire race. They're probably busy,"

" Nonsense, Dib-human! My Tallest, too busy for Zim?! NEVER!!!" he declared loudly, jabbing the other in the chest. Dib swatted his hand away, which earned him a darker glare. Jerking away from the human, Zim continued to try to get in contact with his leaders. Dib let him try for amount a minute longer, then reached out and snatched up one of his wrists, " Enh? Why're you touching Zim?"

" As much as I'd like to spend my afternoon watching you play with your computer, I thought we could do something more productive," Dib icy sneered, pulling the alien away from the transmission controls. There was a fitful struggle that began almost immediately, " C'mon, Zim! They're out! Deal with it! You can talk to them later!"

" No! You don't understand! My Tallest! They'll be worried sick if they don't hear from me on time!" he shouted, pulling and tugging on Dib's fingers to get him to release him. The human merely rolled his eyes at that, " Oh, would you just leggo, filthy human boy?! Your grip is too tight! And you're ruining my gloves!"

" Whatever," Dib mumbled as he released the older boy. Zim stumbled backwards a couple of bouncing steps, then he steadied himself. He marched along with Dib down the hall, although he had a pout on his face. Ignoring the expression, the younger pulled the wig over Zim's antennae much like a baseball cap. The other gave him a look, his gloved hands roughly adjusting the wig, " Stupid space boy,"

" Don't mess with me, worm," Zim hissed, pushing his hair out of his pink eyes. Dib was unfazed by the tone. Seemingly aware of this, the alien just sighed as he took the lead for the maze like trip out of the base. There was a brief silence in which the only sounds were their hollow footsteps on the cold metal below. Then Zim yawned a little, stretching out his arms, " Wanna go play with the weasels?"

" Sure,"

" I wonder where my Tallest are on such an important day like today. . ." Zim absentmindedly muttered as the two made their way from the communications control center to the experiment dock room where the weasels were kept. The only answer Dib could give him was a shrug, " I shall ask them when I call back later. I'm sure it's something important,"

If anyone's interested, I have plenty of art about this fic on my deviantart. PM for details.