A/N: Yeah, remember how, on my profile a few months ago, I was complaining about the inspiration fairy being terrible to me, well, now she's giving me this terrible idea to work with. This is a totally weird idea my friend and I came up with, so she begged me to write it, and this horrible thing...is the finished product. Also, we decided to write about Shikamaru because, well, he's awesome like that. *basks in Shikamaru's awesomeness* Yeah. And we don't really delve into his thoughts that often, so...um, enjoy the next 1347 words of terrible writing and bisexuality =D
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Warnings: Slight OoC. Okay, scratch that. Explicit OoC and Bi!Shika-kun. :((
I know I'm weird, but after facing all those troublesome women, I think being gay is the best thing to do. I mean, I REALLY need a relationship. I'm DESPERATE here!!!
Troublesome women. And just so I can show you how troublesome they are, I'm going to list all my past relationships...and how they ended. What a drag.
At first, I tried having a relationship with that hot Suna chick, Temari. It was okay at first, then I found out she had the hots for her younger brothers! Not just one, but both!!! OMG, LIEK, YAH!! INCEST, EW!!!
Then I tried out that complaining witch (with a B) Ino. I thought it would work out (yeah right) then I realized she treats me like crap.
Okay, I knew she would do that from the beginning, but I'm DESPERATE HERE!!
And then it was that pink-haired brat, Sakura. She was nice and all, but then she beat me up and broke up with me after I wouldn't carry her groceries… OR wash her dishes…OR fix her roof…OR fetch the paper…OR walk her home after our date…
What a drag.
I was really exasperated now, so I decided to have a go on that cute weapon-wielding lady Tenten. But after that relationship I got out of the hospital after two months suffering from a lot of injuries, so I decided no more weapon ladies for me…!
Then I had this one-time crush thing on that sexy heiress, Hinata. At first I thought she was adorable, but all that 'like factor' melted away when I felt Neji's kunai on my neck when I tried to kiss her…in public…
Okay, so she never liked me to begin with. I knew from the start that she likes that baka Naruto.
Now that I think about it, I think I should talk about my…*ahem* 'relationships' with the 'men' of Konoha…
I started out with my best friend, Chouji. I bought him a ton of chips everyday…my poor wallet…and I also bothered to carry all his groceries for him!! Do you know how heavy that is? And the sad part was that he didn't even know that we were in a relationship in the first place!! Maybe I should have told him that bit before I asked Hokage-sama to give me the next fifteen years' worth of paychecks to pay for all his food… TT^TT
So, I was going to borrow some cash from that filthy rich Uchiha, and then I remembered his six-pack!!! Because when I came over, he was like, topless, then… *drool*
I know, this is SO gay. But deal with it.
Well, either he was in a bad mood when he kicked me out of the house, or he didn't get the hint that I liked him after I tried to kiss him sixteen times in front of his girlfriend… *gulp*
I was broke, loveless, and gay, not to mention running out of options, so I was walking the streets one day when I bumped into that old geezer's grandkid, Konohasomething or whatever his name is…and I thought he was SOOOOO CUTE! And he had such talent and so much potential I thought I was going to keel over and die.
So I went over to him, and explained about gayness and that I was gay and that I liked him in the gay way. I guess I shouldn't have passionately closed my eyes while I explained everything 'cause the minute I opened them, he was gone. Snap. And when I looked around, everyone was staring at me with weird looks on their faces. Oh snap, snap, snap…
Well, now, I'm broke, loveless, gay, running out of options and now everyone thinks I'm pedo. Great.
That sounds bad, but wait till you hear what happened next. Ya'see, I was training and crap when Lee came over and asked what was wrong and all that and that "I wasn't as youthful as I used to be" and all that. I was about to snap back at him that I was only ALWAYS depressed when I was stopped by his big round eyes. You don't know how beautiful they looked shining through the sun's rays, but what I REALLY fell for was…never mind. I was about to tell him I thought he made me feel better, and how he thought about him, and me…together…y'know, that thing, when I had a vision about us growing old together and all he was blabbing about 'springtime and youthfulness' during our bonding time.
So I left and was contemplating my future when I bumped into Neji. I was mesmerized by his long, graceful hair and thought about how it must feel like to run my fingers through it, and I looked up at him with my eyes full of love…and his were…not exactly loving. Apparently, he still hadn't forgotten about the 'incident' where I tried to kiss his cousin, so he started chasing me all around Konoha, hurling his kunai and shuriken and other stuff at me…(I wonder where he got that troublesome sword)… guess that rules him out as one of my options, then, unless he changes his mind…
(Now that I think about it, though, I liked being chased by guys… :3… get it? XDDDDDDD)
Okay, now things can't get any worse… I'm broke, loveless, supposedly gay, people think I'm pedo, and now Neji probably has the private Hyūga police after me. I thought life was terrible and then I saw that baka Naruto. Not-so-surprisingly, he hadn't heard anything about my whole 'gay' thing, so I saw this as my chance. I mean, I like him well enough; we did almost flunk out together, so flunkies gotta stick together, right? So the plan was: I get really close to him, make him fall in love with me, and make him admit that he likes me. (Geez, where'd all my brains go during this whole fiasco?) And we all live happily ever after, right?
'Cause when I went up to hi, slapped him on the back, smiled at him, and told him what a great pal he was and how anybody would be so lucky to have him as a friend…I think I went a little overboard 'cause he looked at me like I was weird and asked me if I was okay. Then I told him that he made me feel so much better, but then I must have freaked him out because then he started running away from me screaming, "AAAAAH! SHIKAMARU'S TALKING A LOT!!! THE WORLD IS DOOOOOOMED!!!"
Oh, whatever. I don't think I could stand having a hyperactive boyfriend, anyway. Too troublesome.
Then I was sitting in the forest being all emo and stuff when I met Shino. With all that bugs swarming around him, it felt like he was an untouchable angel!!! I was about to go over to him when I rememnbered something…I was allergic to bugs…seems impossible, think again. There are people who are allergic to cellphones out there…
So, I realized that I had tried my luck with all the worthwhile young men in Konoha. But it all changed one fateful day when I saw Kiba. And I felt my heart flutter…I came over to him, arms wide open, screaming, "KIBA!!!"
And he looked at me, and I could see the sweat forming on his brow. "You!" he sputtered. "What?"
"Can I ask you something?"
He blinked. "O…kay?"
I knelt down on one knee and asked him, "Will you marry me…"
PS. So that's my life story: how I tried ALL of Konoha's shinobi just to find my one true love…and nearly got killed. A bunch of times. My life rocks~
PPS. Oh, and in case you're wondering how I managed to write all of this down, I didn't. In fact, I'm paying Kakashi-sensei to write it down for me…'cause, y'know, he's probably one of the only people in Konoha who wouldn't puke at this…
A/N: DON'T KILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! *prepares to get stoned and flamed* ;.;
I hope you all don't murder me in my sleep for this terrible, terrible thing...
1. Just so you know, I adore Shikamaru...
2. ...and Shikamaru/Ino...and Shikamaru/Temari...
3. And I don't really think he's bisexual, okay???
4. And I DON'T think Temari's incestual. NO WAY. And I don't think Gaa-kun and Kanky-puu are, either...
5. Shikamaru does not fall in love with dogs, mkay? I just thought Akamaru would be funny.
SO DON'T MURDER ME... TT^TT
Reviews and criticism are appreciated, though! *hopeful*