DISCLAIMER: NCIS is not mine....sadly...It kills me everytime I hafta say that!

A/N: Hey! My arm is now on meds of various sorts! It still hurts, but I had to type up this little story idea...I'll update my others on Tuesday if not Monday!

Tony mentally cursed himself. This was the stupidest thing he'd ever done! Well, except for the time when he locked himself out of the car while trying to pursue a suspect, or--

"Hey, I'm gonna go to the bathroom really quick? Okay?"

Tony nodded. "Oh sure! Take your time!" He put on a smile as his date picked up her purse and wandered away. As soon as he was sure she was gone, he buried his head in his hands. "Goddamnit, Tony!" He hissed to nobody but himself. "What a catch, you idiot!"

"Sir?"

He looked up to see the waiter standing right next to him, holding a pitcher of water. Obviously, he had overheard him muttering to himself. "More water?"

Speechless, Tony nodded. "...Uh, yeah. Thanks."

The waiter nodded and went on to the next table to refill other glasses.

Her name was Mary. Mary Lenin. They had met on the trail at the park, and from a distance, Tony had thought she was a real pretty sight; short shorts, tight top, fit legs, and a brunette mane that was blowing freely with the wind. He had caught up to her, speeding up his running until they were in step, side by side. He started flirting with her casually, and at first, he thought she'd shove him off as a loser, but she didn't. She had talked back, laughing at his charm, smiling at his good looks....Then, he made his mistake; he asked her out to dinner, and she happily obliged.

Now, he was regretting his decision. Why? Mary was totally not what he expected! She had this utterably annoying high-pitched laugh that would probably echo in his thoughts forever, and she laughed too much at everything he said! She was also, not to mention, a lawyer.

"I'm back!"

Tony jumped up in his chair, putting on another fake smile. "Wow, that didn't take long!" He said.

"Well, I'm not like those women who spend hours in there." She spread her napkin over her lap, going back to eating her salad.

"No, I was just--was just--"

"What?" She chewed on her food, looking at him.

He leaned forward. "Just wondering..."

"Yeah?"

"Well..." Oh crap! He had nothing to say! And he definitely didn't want to hear her laugh again! "I, uh--"

Mary gave him a look. "Aw, Tony!" She smiled, revealing a rather large piece of lettuce caught in her teeth. Tony tried hard not to gag. "That is so sweet! You don't hafta be afraid to invite me over to your plave tonight!" Then she did it; she let out a laugh.

Tony snapped out of his disgusted trance, trying to laugh with her. It came out as a stutter. "I-I--I." OH GOD! He muttered to himself, "Someone shoot me!"

"You know what?" Mary wiped her mouth of salad dressing, and looked seriously at Tony. She still had the lettuce in her teeth. "You are the sweetest man!"

"Am I?"

"Yes! Usually the guys I go out with leave before the desserts or don't even have the courtesy to walk me to my car--"

"I can't see why," Tony put in.

"But you!" She giggled. "You--"

"YOU!"

Tony and Mary both looked up to see a very angry Israeli storm towards their table. Tony's eyes went wide with fear. ZIVA.

"How could you?" Ziva slapped Tony, who brought his hand up to his cheek.

"OW! What the hell was that for?!" What was she doing here?

Ziva narrowed her eyes. "Don't even think you can get away with this, Anthony DiNozzo!"

Mary stood up. "Excuse me!"

Ziva held up a hand to her face. "We're busy, here!" Still glaring at Tony, she continued. "Who is she?!"

Tony looked from his angry partner to his terrible date. "What're you talking about!?" He was confused. Surely he spent the day bragging about his date tonight out loud in front of her and McGee. "This is Mary."

"MARY!?" Ziva gave her an ugly look. "You're cheating on me for this.." She gave the woman a quick look. "This?!"

"Excuse me!" Mary pushed Ziva aside. "But who are you!"

"I am his soon-to-be-ex-wife!"

Tony gasped. She wasn't....no way!

Mary turned on him and slapped him on the cheek.

"Ow! I'd appreciate it if you'd both stop hitting me!"

"You're married!?" Mary practically cried.

Yup, they were definitely making a scene.

"I-" Tony was cut off by Ziva.

"Yes, he's married! To me!" She grabbed his tie, pulling him along. "Now you get to explain to the kids why Daddy will be packing tonight!" She stormed through the restaurant until they were both outside. As soon as they were a block down the street, Ziva let go of him, laughing. "She was your date?!"

Tony was still in shock. "What the hell did you just do!?"

Ziva shrugged, still smiling. "I was walking by when I saw your miserable face, and it got me to wonder how Anthony DiNozzo, who was bragging all about his date with Mary, could look so plum!"

"Glum, Zee-Vah." Tony smiled. "And?"

"So I decided to help you out!"

"Oh...thanks."

They continued to walk for a few moments in silence.

"And I did you one better, Tony."

"What?" He looked at her.

"You didn't have to pay."