Why Men In Black and Torchwood Crossovers don't work

Author's note: I claim no ownership or copyrights to Torchwood or MIB.

Two mismatched men sat across from each other in the booth. One was a totally unremarkable black man wearing a black suit, the waitress vaguely recognized the man as a regular, and although he rarely came in with the same person twice. She remembered the people he came in with more than man in black himself. The other man was definitely memorable, from his army surplus overcoat to his clear white skin and a gorgeous smile that he flashed her each of the three times she refilled the men's coffee.

As soon as the waitress moved back away from the table the conversation between Agent J and Captain Jack Harkness switched from banter about nothing, to banter about the events of the past few hours.

"Man, that was totally awesome," J was saying, "The way you leapt down from that overpass and pulled the gun on that thing! You could have been killed."

"Oh, come on, that was nothing," Jack replied, "That thing you did with the train… now that was beautiful. That ExpPod never saw it coming."

"So, why did you help me out like that, why not stay back and hide like everyone else did?" J asked, knowing full well that his partner K had already taken a containment team and erased the memories of everyone who saw what had happened.

"It just seemed the right thing to do: Guy in town for a few days, strange monster creating havoc in the street, just thought I could help out."

"Well, we do appreciate the assist, but this whole bug eyed alien thing doesn't bother you?"

"Well, Ive been staying in the UK lately… when alien stuff happens here people seem to magically forget all about it, but the weird stuff happening in England over the past few years have made us a little more aware of the world around us," Jack said with a grin, then pulled a flask out of his coat, "How about something a little stronger to celebrate our victory?"

"Sure, why not," J said and offered his coffee cup out. Jack poured some of the alcohol smelling liquid into both J's and his own cups. In addition to alcohol, the flask was mixed with Jack's own special mix of the Retcon drug.

J took a big drink, not noticing that Jack only pretended to drink his own, "Do you ever wonder what it would be like to do that full time?"

"Who says I don't? Nice suit, by the way."

J stifled a yawn, "Last suit I'll ever wear. Guess I need to get going. You've got talent. Maybe I'll see you around." Putting on his sunglasses, J stood up to leave.

"Yeah, I'll keep an eye out for you," Jack replied, good naturedly.

"No… you won't," J answered while holding up a silver rod. The sudden flash of light emitted traveled along Jack's neural pathways, erasing the past few hours worth of memories. "I hope you enjoyed the ballgame and enjoy the rest of your vacation in the states.


The next morning K stopped J at the entrance to MIB headquarters. "Why didn't you report in last night?"

"Oh, I'm sorry K. I must have been really tired. I went straight to bed."

"So what happened to the ExoPod?"

"ExoPod? What ExoPod?"


Jack answered the phone just as soon as it rang, "Gwen! How are things?"

"Well, Jack, 'Things' are going just fine. Anything new with you?"

"Nope, just having a great vacation," Jack answered.

"So, you are going to make me ask… What happened with the ExoPod you called us about yesterday… waking us up from a sound sleep thanks to the time difference."

"Wait… what? I don't remember any ExoPod, I took in a game… and there was this waitress— but no ExoPod."

"You had me up half the night waiting for you to call to tell me how the fight with the ExoPod was going… if this is some sort of joke, Jack…. I swear to God."

"I think I may spend a few more days here after all, Gwen. Bye." Jack quickly hung up his cell phone and debated how much time it would take for Gwen to calm down before he returned home.