Summer: Feelings have been there the whole time...what if...

A/N: I think this has been tugging at my heart for a while now. I just never actually had the courage to write it. Well...here it is. Let me warn you though I don't know how fast it'll be updated. Also...all flashbacks in this story are actual events, until maybe more toward the end...but for now, they're all real.

Dedication:

Dear Michi,

You know who you are. You've already read each of my other stories, I hope you'll find time in your busy life to read this one as well. I don't know if the feelings are there or not, but I just know how I feel. You always called me YOUR Ruka, and you always said you were my Michi. I never really looked that far into it, now I am...I hope you enjoy this. This is for you...

Love forever,

Your Ruka

Love Me

Chapter 1

Ever since I could remember those feelings have been there. I just recently went through a break up. Over three years with the same person. Three years. That's a long time. But not as long as I've known her.

Ever since grade school I've known her. She's always been there for me. Even when I nearly ended my own life.

"What are you doing Ruka?" I had been caught. I was sitting in the back of my math class when she came in to get a book she had forgotten.

I quickly tossed my razor into my desk and turned my wrist away from her view.

"Nothing..." I trailed off and looked at her with saddened eyes.

She frowned at me before starting to walk away. I knew I couldn't trust myself with the razor. I dug it out before calling her back to me.

I gave her the blade that day. I felt like I was giving her my own soul. I think that's what I did do that day. I gave her my existence that day in that classroom. I've had a few relapses since then, but nothing as bad as what I was doing to myself.

The car ride after school was filled with the usual laughter and chat about our days. It was the only time we found we could spend any time together anymore. I was going to a different school then. It was a technical high school.

I looked at her to bid her farewell for the evening. She smiled at me, gave me her usual hug. And then it happened. Instead of pulling right away and climbing from the vehicle, her eyes met mine and she kissed me.

I was just 16 at the time. It was my first kiss. My very first kiss came from the one person who helped me to realize my feelings toward women.

I sigh as I sit here and think of what could have been. We've always been such great friends...except for our 7th grade year. I never did find out why though...

I was so excited to get back to school, not so much for my studies, but to catch up with the one person I thought was my best friend. I hunted all through that school for her that day. Until I finally found her at her locker. I smiled and almost ran up to her to hug her. But she didn't accept it. She only glared at me and walked by, not a word said.

At that moment I almost started crying, but I knew I couldn't, I couldn't do that, not in school...not in front of everybody.

I wrote her a letter one day, just to see if I could find out why she wouldn't talk to me. She did return the message, but it wasn't what I had hoped to hear. In the letter she called me a freak...and that I just needed to leave her alone, that she said I was right, I don't have any friends, and she wasn't going to be the one strange person to accept me for me.

I never did tell her...that same day was the first time I'd hurt myself. After I read her letter I let my head slam into the wall outside of my English class. She was right, I didn't have any friends. I just had a few acquaintances, mainly people I could sit down with at lunch. I try to shake my head clear of those thoughts. I went through torture that year in school.

Choir...it was either this or band, and I really didn't want to march around in the heat with a heavy instrument. I always sat right next to you...until that day. I had my journal with me, I don't know what possessed me to bring it from my home. You saw it that day in class...You took it from me. I don't think I'll ever forget you and your group of friends flipping through it, laughing at me, telling me that I'd never have a chance with anybody mentioned in there.

I don't want to break her heart, I never wanted to tell her...that year in school, that was the year I started to hurt myself. I remember losing my hearing for a day after taking a handful of aspirin. Maybe she remembers me talking to the choir teacher, asking to be excused because of that. No...I didn't have an ear infection, I was scared to death because of what I'd done. And who would have thought...the same person who started all of my problems...was the same person to end them 4 years later.

Even now through all the good and few bad times, I long just to hear her voice, her laughter...to have her body pressed to mine in a hug.

But I fear that will never happen. She's off with another, who she's very much in love with. At least I think she is...

I'm Haruka Tenou...I'm 23 years old now...The girl I'm speaking of is Michiru Kaiou...


I know this was a fairly short chapter...I can't promise any better next time around...as I said...all flashbacks (the italic parts) are true events that actually happened between her and I...Please don't forget to review...