This is getting more and more painful to write, but I fear if I don't get everything out it's going to drive me crazy.
I know you'll get this whenever the next time is you get online...I'm tired of all of this, of everything...I need to tell you something. The times we kissed...I felt something...something that I'd never felt before, not even with Kura. I know you're with someone now, but...if it doesn't work out. I'd like to maybe give us a shot...Just to see what would happen ya know? Look at all we've been through, nothing will ruin our friendship. Listen, I don't know if you feel the same way as I do, I was reading an old conversation of ours from last January, you told me not to think about the "what ifs". But I can't help but to think about it. I've had feelings for you for a very, VERY long time, you were the one that helped me to realize I was gay, you've been there through the most horrible times in my life. And...I want to try to take that next step...we'd never know unless we tried.
What was I about to do? I was about to confess my undying love for a woman whom I was unsure if she felt the same. What if she denies me? Or worse...what if she never speaks to me again. I've told her before I love her, but she always smiled and laughed it off. Telling me she loved me too. I don't think she ever realized that I was serious...
I took a deep breath before hitting the send button. The e-mail was on it's way through cyberspace and there wasn't a damn thing I could do now to get it back. It was all I could do to keep myself from crying. I wanted it back at that very moment. I wanted things to go back to the way they were. When we just shared that smile, that glance, that hug...Even that occasional brushing of the hands.
"Dammit Haruka...what the fuck are you doing?" I spoke aloud to nobody as I leaned my head back over the edge of my computer chair. I closed my eyes and gripped my hair with both hands. I've never felt so confused before in my life. I've known for a while how I've felt for Michiru. But I never thought I'd actually have a chance with her until now.
One of those silly chain messages. I laughed as I filled it out and shipped it off to the next person. Michiru was one of the e-mails the message went to. She was the only person who replied to it.
There were a few of the responses that stuck out to me. It was one of those "would you/will you with me" surveys.
[_m] Lock me in your room and take advantage of me?
[_y] want to kiss me?
[_m] want to hook up with me?
[_y] been distracted by me?
Of course 'y' meaning yes, and 'm' meaning maybe.
I'm looking too far into this. I reached for a tissue as I felt a tear run down my cheek. Why did I find myself unable to delete messages from my e-mail that were so very old. The chain message was from over a year ago. I dug through my inbox, I had messages even older then that in here. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of them. I shook my head before standing from my chair and moving to the balcony door.
Oh how it would be so easy to just make all this pain go away for good...to get rid of all my pain. I took in a deep breath as I leaned against the metal banister, looking down at the traffic below. Again I closed my eyes, this pressure from my chest won't release itself. Now I know how Kura felt whenever she said she got a heavy chest...Another deep breath...no luck...
-Beep- I frowned, opening my eyes back up to pull my cell phone from my pocket. I was hopeful that it would have been Michiru. Kura...I flipped open my phone to read the message from her.
'Can we talk?' Was all it said. I bit my bottom lip. How could I face her?
'About what?' Is all I replied with. What else was I suppose to say to her. This woman just ripped my heart into small pieces and she wanted to talk to me.
'Can you come and get me? It'll be easier.'
I clutched my phone tightly in my hand, rested it against my forehead with closed eyes to clear my mind for a moment before replying. 'Yea...give me a few minutes.'
What was I doing? I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions. My heart is calling me an idiot for going to see her. But my head says to give it a shot. I had already told her that I wanted to be her friend, regardless. Three and a half years was just too much time to throw away entirely.
"I know you don't want to hear this Ruka...I care about Suki a lot." I swallowed as I listened to her voice ring through the phone's receiver. Suki was her sister's best friend. She had just moved to the area a month ago. "I care for her so much." I bit my lip as she spoke, it still hurt so much. "I don't know what to do, I'm scared because I'm falling for her so quickly."
I quickly threw on a fake smile to hide the hurt in my voice. "If she feels the same for you then she'll come around. Kura you are a wonderful person, and if Suki's smart, she'll give you a chance."
It tore me apart to hear that she had already fallen for another. Why was I too blind to see it. Why didn't I know she wasn't happy. Why...I'm such an idiot...
I climbed into my car and made my way across town. I knew the conversation was going to be about Suki and what Suki did to her this time. Honestly...I don't know how much more of Suki talk I could handle, it's barely been two weeks since we broke up...
Why was she outside? I felt my heart rip when I saw her sitting on the porch, her head perched in her hands. She was crying...I barely had my car in park and shut off before I flew from the driver's seat to her side. "What happened?"
"She said she can't be with me now..." It was all she was able to spit out before another wave of tears took over her body. It took all I had not to leave her there and go to hang Suki. Even after all that Kura and I had been through, I still looked at her as my best friend. She's always been one of my best friends. "Can I stay with you for the night? I can't be here with her and my sister here..."
I nodded and helped her stand up. She made it quick as I watched her go inside to grab her necessities. It pained me to see her hurting so much, even after all that happened between us...I can't just leave her...
I barely made it through this chapter...I started writing this and my chest got very very heavy. A hard to breath heavy. I don't know what had happened. Something's telling me that I need to write this, some being is telling me not to stop...I feel it...*sigh* you know the drill...review