Case No. 6498: Sue

Rating: K+

Disclaimer: All characters are copyright Mike Mignola and Dark Horse Comics.

Summary: Comicverse parody. They have faced frog monsters and tackled demi-gods. But the BPRD may have its hands full with a pest known only as Sue. Good for them that they know their game well.

Author's Notes: Based on the Comic Universe, and is meant entirely for humor. I would like to mention I do like the movies, and any stabs at them are meant just for laughs. I apologize for any grammatical errors that were not for comedic relief. Thank you to all who reviewed and/or put my last story on their favorites.

-----

"I'm not saying this isn't important, Corrigan." Captain Benjamin Daimio took a long puff of his cigar, chewing on the end as he blew smoke through his exposed teeth. "But I think we have more important things to do than chase around a teenage girl."

Kate Corrigan handed the thick folder in her hands to Liz. "Director Manning agrees with you, Captain, but the higher-ups want no one but the best to handle this. And remember, while she may look like teenage girl, it's only a costume. Her real form is so radiant, a simple glance has been known to blind the average man."

"That's a bit of a hand wave explanation, isn't it? I mean, why us?" asked Liz, distributing the photos from the folder to Roger and Johann before taking a long look at what they were being asked to track down. She was no stranger to them. When Hellboy was still a member of the team, she sometimes had to help him and Abe get rid of the pests. "This isn't exactly rocket science."

"Where's that Leach fellow?" bellowed Daimio. "That guy was just complaining the other day that he doesn't see enough action around here."

"But Captain, he doesn't like being around infestations like these," Roger explained. "When I was walking down the hall, he told me that Sues ignore him, like they don't even know he exists." A large frown covered his face, and his shoulders slumped down in his melancholy. "It happens to me, too. Hellboy always said I was the lucky one."

Johann's enthusiastically chimed, "I have noticed ever since last summer, I have been able to see more and more of these curious creatures. Whenever I approach one, she will turn her head and ask where Hellboy and Abraham are."

"Yeah," Liz laughed, crossing her arms in front of her body. "Those two seem to be pretty popular among them, for some reason."

"I tried explaining to them that Hellboy is no longer a member, and that Abraham is reconciling with his past. They do not seem to be aware of these facts."

A lop-sided smile befell Kate's face and she shrugged. "They're not known for being on top of the news, Johann. They have a limited knowledge of how the BPRD works. For some reason, they believe the government would willingly hire anyone who they find off the street with special attributes, no matter what they actually bring to the team. As you know, there are a wide variety of Sues, depending on what climate we're in. Your typical Sue is probably no taller than I am, and almost always comes in the disguise of a girl."

"Remember that male Sue?" asked Liz, her lip curling in a smirk. "God, I cannot forget the look on Hellboy's face when that guy got into the Bureau."

Johann passed a glance to Roger and Daimio for an explanation, but both men shrugged. Sometimes their friends forgot what it felt to be out of the loop.

Kate continued. "A Sue's powers include being practically perfect in every way. She'll be a self-described beauty, usually white with dark hair. Now, there are usually two sure-fire ways to know when you have a Sue."

"Does either require an exorcist?" Daimio remarked with snark, puffing another bog of black smoke into the air.

"No, but you'd be surprised how many of these Sues describe themselves as being demon, or half-demon. The first way of knowing when you have a Sue is to look into her eyes. Are they purple? Red? Do they change color? If so, you've got a Sue. Second, a Sue will usually have an eccentric and long name.

"Since they ignore me," Daimio interrupted, "I vote you and Sherman hunt this pest down."

Liz shot the captain a dark look, but Johann's bubble-head nodded in agreement. "I agree. You and Elizabeth seem to have immunity to their powers. She will simply walk past Roger and the Captain…"

"Sues do seem you like your accent, Johann," Roger noted with a smile.

Kate nodded, prodding Johann to join in. "Yeah, Sues are susceptible to foreign languages. I've seen a few try to emulate yours."

"Pardon me, but what you hear from them is not German. Surely you know my accent is not so horrific you cannot understand what I am saying."

"No, I understand what you're saying, Johann." Standing from her chair, Liz motioned for the door. "All right, I don't see any point in wasting our time."

Raising his arm, Roger asked, "I've never been part of a mission like this. How are we supposed to defeat her?"

Ben Daimio chuckled under his breath and patted the gun in his holster. "Don't worry about that, kid. I bet she bleeds as easily as the rest of us."

"Don't count on it, Daimio," remarked Liz. "Abe tried to shoot one once, but some kind of special force field reflected the bullet away. The power of love, or some crap like that. I don't know, the Sue didn't really explain it to us."

"The one currently causing the most trouble will probably be best removed by this." Reaching behind her desk, Kate lifted a heavy book over her head to present to the group. "Yep, I bet this handles it."

Taking hold of the book to examine it closer, Roger asked, "What is it?"

A broad smile crossed Kate's lips. "The best known Sue-killer we've got. Picked it up from a tribe of artists and writers. It's called Canon."

--

The flashlight in Johann's hand flickered with low battery power, and Liz suddenly felt they were trapped in a bad horror story. The ectoplasmic spiritualist turned to Kate and stated, "I understand some of these creatures are easier to find where light is scarce. But what is it that makes them attracted to dark corners?"

"Sues thrive on the angst of their surroundings."

"God, don't remind me." At the back of the group, keeping outlook for anyone following, Liz rolled her eyes. "They want to get your approval, so they give you the best sob story they can whip up. Like I need someone telling me what a crappy life is like."

Roger looked back at his comrade. "Liz, why don't you light the way with your fire?"

"The Sues aren't likely to come out if Liz or I lead the way. They have a natural magnetism towards men. Hellboy could catch one like no other," Kate tried to explain, knocking a cobweb from her face. "We must be getting closer."

"What, are the Sues afraid of you?" Ben didn't look back, pressing ahead with his gun loaded and ready in his hand. Prepared to make another smart comment, the captain suddenly let loose an expletive as something bright leapt out at the group. "Damn it, it's a Sue, isn't it?!"

The lighted creature stood to her full height, barely reaching Daimio's face. Though the hall was dark, the Sue's bright golden eyes illuminated the pathway, and upon second observation, Ben noticed they had the appearance of a cat's. Her long, dark, flowing hair cascaded down her back, and a flowing white gown trailed down her body like liquid. On top of her head, two cat ears twitched, and a tail swayed under her blinding dressing. Her skin was pale, pale as moonlight, and her lips as red as a rose.

"The prose just dripping from this damn thing is giving me a migraine," Daimio complained, rubbing his forehead.

Without warning, the Sue jumped from the floor, and threw her arms around Johann.

"Mein Gott!"

"Oh, you're German!" the Sue exclaimed in a voice as beautiful as a harp's melody. "Please, say something! Say anything! Say 'focused'! Oh, I love your accent! Vhy aren't you speaking lik zis? Did I happen to tell you I'm half German? I'm also half Japanese and two-thirds French!"

Johann flailed, trying to pry the girl off of his suit with little avail. Roger grabbed the Sue's waist, but her hands seemed locked around his friend, despite how dainty her wrists appeared. "She won't budge," he declared, urging Liz to come and help. It was his first fight with a Sue, and they were even more frightening up close. He now understood why it was better to be ignored than admired by one.

Daimio cocked his gun, and pointed it at the Sue, but tears began gushing from her golden amber eyes. "No, please don't hurt me! My name's Selena Katherine Ariyah Lucy-Mae Amethyst! My parents used to beat me when they discovered my powers! A mad scientist turned me into a were-cat, and it enhanced my psychic abilities! I have the ability to sense all of your thoughts, and I could be such a wonderful addition to your team! Oh, where is Hellboy? He and I were separated at birth, because he's really my twin."

The sound of gunfire filled the hall, as Daimio emptied a round into the Sue, but to his amazement, and Liz's frustration, the Sue only waved it off. "Oh, where is Hellboy? Who tried to shoot me? Oh, Johann Krauss, who are these people?!"

"Actually, it's Kraus…."

"Oh, please, Johann, tell me where Nuada is! And why aren't we in New York?! Colorado is not romantic enough for our future wedding!" The Sue wailed harder, and as Roger tried harder to pull the Sue off, Liz wondered whether Kate was getting too much enjoyment out of the situation. Just what was taking her so long with that book?

"Kate?" begged Roger after Daimio tried to shoot the Sue again. It was like the Sue couldn't even see them, like they did not exist in her world.

Flipping as quickly as she could through the pages of Canon, Kate extended her hand, and rolled her wrist in a quick motion. "Just give me one more minute…."

Annoyed at the screaming Sue, Liz ignited her finger, and blew a stream to the pest's long, flowing gown. She howled like a harpy, and her golden eyes glowed red with rage when she turned to see her attacker. "Yeah, your powers don't work on me, Sue," said Liz with a glower.

"Why are you here?!" the Sue screamed, clutching to Johann tighter, despite Roger's best efforts. "There can only be one girl here! You're just jealous because Hellboy loves me more, and so will Johann, too!"

"Manning better be getting the best funding for having us deal with this crap," Daimio grumbled, putting his gun back into the holster. "If this is what Sue-hunting's about, I'll take the frogs."

"I've got it!" Kate declared.

Liz sighed heavily, folding her arms again. For once, she agreed with Daimio. Sues were more annoying than amusing. "Great."

"Oh, Johann, you'll save me with your ghost powers!" wailed the Sue, burying her face into Johann's shoulder. "That bitch wants to separate us because she knows she cannot have you! Help me! Where's Hellboy?!"

With unnecessary vigor, fueled with accumulated irritation, Kate shouted, "First of all, Hellboy's not here anymore! He hasn't been for years. Our elves are the fairies who are known both for their unpredictable mischief and their actual subtlety regarding their interactions with humans." Holding the heavy book, a beam of light erupted from the folds and blasted the Sue with unexplainable energy.

The Sue screeched, knocking Roger back with the force of the hit. Releasing Johann, the Sue extended her cat-like claws and lunged for Kate. The liaison dropped to the ground, tossing the book to Daimio in an effort to avoid the Sue.

Looking over the page, where the large printed "Spoilers" practically jumped off the page, Ben pointed the book back at the Sue. "This place doesn't need a cat-girl, you #*!," he grumbled under his breath with a sneer. "Not when it's got me." The energy blasted the Sue away from Kate. When the howling monster directed her rage at the were-jaguar, he threw the book to Johann.

Flipping to the page highlighting gratuitous language, Johann Kraus said, "This creature knows nothing of my culture." The beam hit the Sue again, and her rage appeared to be weakening. She crawled on the ground, her red eyes gleaming with tears of unapproachable sorrow.

"How can you do this to me?" she moaned, her harp-like voice eroding with each word spoken. "This isn't how it's supposed to be! This isn't what I want it to be! This isn't fair!"

"You're right." Liz stepped up and retrieved the book from Johann. With a wave of passion and fury, she pointed the page of unapologetic Deus Ex Machina toward the Sue and screamed, "This is Canon!" A blinding light engulfed the Sue in one swoop, and as her screams filled the hallway, the energy was guided to Roger. The homunculus absorbed the power of the Sue into his chest hole, and she disappeared with a final cry for revenge.

For a moment, no one said a word, but when Daimio reached into his pocket for a cigar, Roger smiled and stood tall. "I was useful after all, right, Captain?"

-----