Just /b/cause – A Fanfiction by errihu
This is rated T for unwholesome references. I do not own Bleach or any of its characters.
"Szayel. Aizen has called—." Ulquiorra's voice cut out as he realized the lab was empty. The Octavo was nowhere in sight. He sighed. Why was it he was always sent to be the message-boy? He made his way through the darkened laboratory. Something caught his eye. It was the computer terminal Szayel kept. The other Espada was obsessed with human technology. Ulqiorra could take it or leave it. But something about the lit screen drew him in…
As Szayel Aporro Grantz opened the door to his lab, he became aware that something was very wrong. The laboratory seemed undisturbed, but there was something niggling at the edges of his senses. A familiar reiatsu, very disturbed…
He rounded the corner, and his worst fears came true.
Ulquiorra Cifer had discovered /b/.
Trying to remain unnoticed, the Octavo backed away from the madly clicking Cuatro. It was too late for the vaccine, he would have to find out if a cure could be created, and fast. Hopefully Ulquiorra was still at stage 1, there might still be a chance of rescuing him.
Szayel bumped against a piece of equipment. Ulquiorra turned, wide green eyes staring unblinking. Amidst his terror, the Octavo almost breathed a sigh of relief – no Guy Fawkes mask yet. That would come. However, he had a problem on his hands.
"So…" said Ulquiorra quietly. "I herd u liek Mudkips."
It was worse than Szayel had thought.
Szayel had somehow managed to jam the syringe into Ulquiorra without getting memed to death. However, as the pink-haired Espada dashed madly down the halls of Las Noches, he realized it wasn't enough. He was too late. Ulquiorra was roaring something about closing the pool. He had advanced to stage 2 faster than Szayel had thought possible.
The Octavo rounded a corner and nearly ran into Grimmjow. "What the fuck?" the blue-haired Sexto snarled, grabbing Szayel's collar and halting his headlong dash. "What the hell, Szayel, watch where you're going or I'll rearrange that girlish face of yours." Grimmjow threatened.
"There is no time, Grimmjow. Run!" Szayel snapped, struggling to get free of the Sexto's grasp.
"Run? What the hell are you on. What's going on?" Grimmjow demanded, then started chasing as Szayel managed to wriggle free and resume running.
"Look behind you!" Shrieked the Octavo.
Grimmjow did. Ulquiorra was advancing, chasing after Szayel like a man possessed. The Sexto gaped, wondering what the Octavo had done now. Then Ulquiorra stopped, and gave Grimmjow his class-A death stare.
"Furfag!" Hissed the Cuarto.
"Run!!!" echoed Szayel's shriek. Grimmjow ran.
Ulquiorra's switch from pursuing Szayel to pursuing Grimmjow had one beneficial side effect. It meant Szayel was now free to find a way to bring the Cuarto back to reality. It was time for the Interwebs. The cause could be the cure. Frantically, his fingers hammered the keys, searching for an answer.
After minutes of tense searching, he found the answer. Oh, great Google! Do not lead me astray! "Verona!" barked Szayel. The lumpy fracción bounced into the room muttering cheerful gibberish. "Get Starrk and Yammi and tell them to meet me here. I think I've found a cure for Ulquiorra." Szayel's eyes never left the screen. Verona left, hopefully to do his bidding.
After a short while, Starrk and Yammi arrived, the former looking half asleep as usual, and the latter somewhat confused (also as usual). "What gives, Szayel?" demanded Yammi. Starrk made snoring noises, despite his ostensibly open eyes.
"We have a situation. I need you two to help me restrain Ulquiorra." Szayel stated, lifting himself from the computer chair. "He has been infected with a very grave disease. We must administer a cure before he infects others here."
Starrk actually woke up long enough to look surprised. "What's the plan?" the Primera Espada asked.
"Simple. We get Grimmjow to run through a narrow door, and when Ulquiorra comes through, you two tackle him. Then we return him to the lab, strap him to the chair, and administer the cure." Szayel said.
"Hey, I don't want to get my ass ceroed," Yammi began. Szayel's raised hand halted him.
"Ulquiorra is currently incapable of rational thought, let alone cero. You do not have to worry." Szayel said. Yammi looked dubious. Starrk looked about to nod off again. "Let's go." Said the Octavo.
Grimmjow booked it down the corridors. It had been probably close to half an hour by now, and he hadn't slowed down once. Ulquiorra was still on his tail, screaming something about cheeseburgers and Caturday. He rounded a corner, and saw Szayel. That bastard got him into this mess!
"Grimmjow, through here, quickly!" shouted the Octavo, dashing through a door. Intent on (1.) escaping Ulquiorra and (2.) kicking this shit out of Szayel, he followed. He was surprised to note Starrk and Yammi flanking either side of the door.
"You got a lot to answer for, Szayel." Snarled Grimmjow.
"Later. We need to do something about your little 'friend' first." Replied the Octavo. "Here he comes, boys. Grab him!"
Ulquiorra went through the door. Before the Cuarto could react, Starrk and Yammi pounced. In the melee of fists and limbs, it was hard to tell where each individual began. Grimmjow stood there panting, hands on his thighs, staring at the writhing pile of Espada.
"We must construct additional pylons!" screamed Ulquiorra from the floor.
Finally, the uproar quieted. Starrk and Yammi raised a furious, still squirming Ulquiorra.
"To the lab, and quickly!" shouted Szayel.
Several minutes later, the four Espada managed to get Ulquiorra tied into a well-made lab chair. They gagged him and restrained him, and Yammi was about to blindfold him when Szayel intervened – "No, he must be able to see!"
They picked up the chair and carried it in front of the computer screen. "If my research is correct, an extreme exposure to normal porn should help reverse the effects. Under no circumstances allow Ulquiorra access to anything involving anything other than these websites." Szayel handed Grimmjow a list of websites.
"What?! Why are you giving this to me—." Grimmjow squawked.
"You will administer the cure. Yammi and Starrk, stay nearby to re-capture him should he break free." The Octavo glanced at his patient.
Ulquiorra had chewed through the gag and was muttering "refresh, refresh" under his breath.
"Grimmjow, you're going to stay here as a decoy if necessary. I need to go to the Real World." Szayel said. His face was even whiter than usual.
"Whaa—where and why?" managed Yammi. Szayel faced the other Espada, light reflecting from his glasses.
"He's well past stage 3 now I fear. The next stage I shall not speak. Even naming it is doom. I am going to Uruhara Shouten."
"What?!" All three of the currently uninfected Espada shouted. Ulquiorra asked where his bucket was.
"Enemy or not, the man is a genius. This threatens all of us." And with that, Szayel opened a Garganta and vanished.
Uruhara was supervising Jinta sweeping the shop when he sensed an unfamiliar reiatsu outside. "Jinta, get Ururu and go inside the shop. There's an arrancar coming this way."
"Aww, I never get to stay for the fun." Whined Jinta, who nevertheless complied.
The shinigami-turned-candy-store-owner strode outside, Benehime in his cane. He didn't have to wait long before a pink-haired, effeminate arrancar strode up to him.
"Urahara-san, I presume?" said the arrancar.
"Who are you?" said Urahara.
The arrancar adjusted his glasses. "Szayel Aporro Grantz. Octavo Espada." Uruhara stiffened. The arrancar lifted a stilling hand. "I'm not here to make trouble. I have a problem."
"Then you should probably take it elsewhere, Szayel-san, because I do not think I can help you." Uruhara replied, politely but coldly.
"It's in your interest to help me." The other said. "One of the Espada has become infected with /b/."
Uruhara paled. An Espada on the loose, entrenched in /b/. What a terrifying thought. After a moment he spoke. "Was he vaccinated?"
Szayel shook his head. "Unfortunately, no. I was, however, I had not had a chance to vaccinate anyone else. It will be my first action upon effecting the cure."
"What steps have you taken to counteract the infection?"
"Right now I'm having others administer the Normal Porn cure, but it doesn't seem to be working. He was clearly at least stage 3 when we caught him."
Uruhara paled further. "That's not good. By now he might be over nine thousa—." Uruhara began, but Szayel cut him off.
"Don't say it. Don't even think it. We don't know what the consequences will be." The pink-haired Espada snarled darkly. Uruhara nodded glumly.
"Over nine thousand?" Jinta's voice came from somewhere near Uruhara's legs. Both the shop-keeper and the Octavo's faces became twin masks of terror.
"Jinta! Didn't I tell you to get back insi—." Uruhara's reprimand was interrupted by an ungodly sound.
"NINE THOUUUUUUUSAAAAAAAAAAND!" roared Ulquiorra, exploding from a Garganta and streaking straight up into the sky.
"Shit! This isn't good!" Both Uruhara and Szayel said simultaneously. They looked at each other, identical glints of panic in their eyes.
"Please tell me you know a cure," squeaked Szayel. "He's already beginning the Anonymous Transformation."
"I know of only one thing that might work right now. We will need to lure him into an appropriately prepared space and unleash the cure." Uruhara said. "At least we have some time. If I'm not mistaken, our fledgling B-tard has gone to close the pool."
"At least he isn't in our base, killing our doodz yet."
"Why me?" whined Grimmjow.
"Because he'll chase your furry ass to eternity. No B-tard can resist taunting a furry." Stated Uruhara. "You know the plan?"
"Yeah… Get his attention, run like my ass is on fire, and lead him back to this warehouse. You two do the rest." Grimmjow huffed resentfully.
"You got it, Grimmjow." Grinned Szayel.
"You owe me big time when this is all over, Octavo." Snarled the Sexto as he exited the warehouse.
"We need to survive first." Chirped Szayel, waving. As the blue-haired Espada exited the warehouse, Szayel turned to Uruhara. "Think it will work?"
"It had better. I don't know of anything else."
"A cat is fine too!" Shrieked Ulquiorra as he streaked after the Sexto. Grimmjow grit his teeth and ran. Payback would have to wait until later. There was the warehouse, the door open as promised. Grimmjow dashed inside.
It was pitch black. The Sexto allowed himself to be yanked to the side by whoever was manning the door. "Remember, quiet!" hissed Szayel's voice.
"Yeah." Whispered Grimmjow back.
Seconds later, Ulquiorra entered, walking slowly. "All your base are belong to us." The Cuarto hissed in an ominous tone.
"Oh no, Ulquiorra. All your base are belong to us." Uruhara's voice came from the door. There was a click. "For great justice…" whispered the shop-keeper.
Light and sound flooded the room as several giant screens blazed to life. "We're no strangers to loooove; you know the rules, and so do I. A full commitment's what I'm thinking of; you wouldn't get this from any other guy! I- just want to tell you how I'm feeling, gotta make you understand. Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down…" Rick Astley danced on screen, singing.
"Nooooooo!" screamed Ulquiorra, writhing on the floor. "JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR!"
"How long do we have to listen to this?" Asked Grimmjow.
"Until all traces of /b/ have left him, Grimmjow-san." Replied Uruhara sadly.
"Well I'm out of here then. I'll be getting my revenge on you later, Szayel." The Sexto gave the pink-haired Espada a dirty glare and left the warehouse.
"So tell me why we must all receive this immunization, Szayel?" Aizen asked, gazing down from his throne. He was none too pleased at the turn of events, especially not at his Octavo seeking aid from the enemy.
"Because /b/ is a virulent terror that will spread until is wipes us all out." Said Szayel.
Aizen sighed. "I still don't understand how Ulquiorra was infected in the first place."
Ulquiorra faced Aizen, his large green eyes haunted. "Some things…" began Ulquiorra, "Cannot be unseen."