Disclaimer: I do not, in fact, own Harry Potter. How sad.
Author's Note: I've been meaning to write this for so long. Here's the first book, and I'll get the next six out when I can. Oh, and I don't hate Harry Potter. It's just meant as a joke. So, don't take it too seriously. Oh, and a request: could you please inform me of any typos? That would be great.
Harry Potter in a Nutshell
The Sorcerer's stone
Harry: I'm the boy Cinderella, and my life sucks!
Vernon: Time to abuse Harry!
Dudley: Do you think I could be an even bigger brat if I tried?
Owls come in from everywhere
Vernon: Nope, completely normal.
Vernon: Damn. Time to move because the post is such a horrid thing!
Harry: Well, that's normal
Hagrid: You're a wizard, Harry!
Harry: Yippee! I always knew I was amazing
Vernon: Damn. There goes my whipping boy
Petunia: Damn. There goes my slave
Dudley: Damn. There goes my bitch
Hagrid and Harry go to Diagon Alley
Harry: I'm rich! I'm rich! Yippee! I'm rich!
Olivander: Curious, very curious. Here's your wand.
Harry: Wait. I'm rich AND famous?! I'm amazing!
Hagrid: Oh, Gotta go. Have fun finding the invisible platform on your own.
Harry: I'm Harry Potter!
Ron: Bloody hell! I'm friends with that famous guy. Go me.
Harry: Noooooo! I don't want to be evil!
Sorting Hat: Okie dokie then. Don't listen to me.
Dumbledore: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!
Harry: Is he –a bit mad?
Percy: Nope, he can't be! He's the one teaching us.
People stare at Harry
Harry: Still famous! Yay!
Snape: I hate you, Jam- I mean Harry!
Harry: Oh no! Somebody doesn't like me!
Draco: Bet you can't fly!
Harry: Bet you I can!
Harry flies and does an amazing dive
McGonagall: No detention for you, Potter, despite Hooch having said you'd be expelled for doing that; I need a seeker!
Harry: What's a seeker?
Ron: Hermione's U-G-L-Y, ugly. And she's a freak!
Hermione hears it and cries
Harry and Ron defeat a troll despite barely knowing any magic.
Harry: How to catch the snitch? Hmm better eat it!
The trio trick Hagrid into telling them a name
Harry: Neat-o Presents! Ooooh Shiny cloak!
Harry: Mommmmy! I can see you!
Hagrid: I is a mommy! Look at my dragon!
Draco: Ohhh I'm telling!
Hagrid: Let's go into the Forbidden Forest where all the dangerous creatures live. Oh, and better split up!
Harry: ooh Who are you?
Firenze saves Harry.
Hagrid: I think I'll give you even more clues about the stone! Oh, oops.
Fluffy is sleeping when they arrive
Harry: Awwww someone beat us!
The trio gets past ridiculously difficult obstacles meant to stop fully aged wizards despite being first years.
Harry: Well, I am amazing AND famous, of course I get by them.
Quirrell: I is evil!
Voldemort: Shut up, minion! Get me the stone!
Harry: Hey, what's that in my pocket? Cool! I gots the stone! Yay me!
Voldemort: I kill you!
Harry: Bloody hell! You're trying that again?
The power of LOVE defeats Voldemort
Voldemort: Again? This little brat beats me AGAIN?! Goddamnit.
Dumbledore: You're not dead!
Harry: I know. Famous people can't die!
Dumbledore: I'm giving my favorite house just enough points to win! I has the power!
Harry: Man, I don't want to go home. I'm not famous there!
Thank you for reading!