Disclaimer: I do not, in fact, own Harry Potter. How sad.

Author's Note: I've been meaning to write this for so long. Here's the first book, and I'll get the next six out when I can. Oh, and I don't hate Harry Potter. It's just meant as a joke. So, don't take it too seriously. Oh, and a request: could you please inform me of any typos? That would be great.

Harry Potter in a Nutshell
The Sorcerer's stone

Harry: I'm the boy Cinderella, and my life sucks!

Vernon: Time to abuse Harry!

Dudley: Do you think I could be an even bigger brat if I tried?

Owls come in from everywhere

Vernon: Nope, completely normal.

More owls

Vernon: Damn. Time to move because the post is such a horrid thing!

Harry: Well, that's normal

Hagrid: You're a wizard, Harry!

Harry: Yippee! I always knew I was amazing

Vernon: Damn. There goes my whipping boy

Petunia: Damn. There goes my slave

Dudley: Damn. There goes my bitch

Hagrid and Harry go to Diagon Alley

Harry: I'm rich! I'm rich! Yippee! I'm rich!

Olivander: Curious, very curious. Here's your wand.

Harry: Wait. I'm rich AND famous?! I'm amazing!

Hagrid: Oh, Gotta go. Have fun finding the invisible platform on your own.

Harry: I'm Harry Potter!

Ron: Bloody hell! I'm friends with that famous guy. Go me.

Harry: Noooooo! I don't want to be evil!

Sorting Hat: Okie dokie then. Don't listen to me.

Dumbledore: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

Harry: Is he –a bit mad?

Percy: Nope, he can't be! He's the one teaching us.

People stare at Harry

Harry: Still famous! Yay!

Snape: I hate you, Jam- I mean Harry!

Harry: Oh no! Somebody doesn't like me!

Draco: Bet you can't fly!

Harry: Bet you I can!

Harry flies and does an amazing dive

McGonagall: No detention for you, Potter, despite Hooch having said you'd be expelled for doing that; I need a seeker!

Harry: What's a seeker?

Ron: Hermione's U-G-L-Y, ugly. And she's a freak!

Hermione hears it and cries

Harry and Ron defeat a troll despite barely knowing any magic.

Harry: How to catch the snitch? Hmm better eat it!

The trio trick Hagrid into telling them a name

Harry: Neat-o Presents! Ooooh Shiny cloak!

Harry: Mommmmy! I can see you!

Hagrid: I is a mommy! Look at my dragon!

Draco: Ohhh I'm telling!

Hagrid: Let's go into the Forbidden Forest where all the dangerous creatures live. Oh, and better split up!

Harry: ooh Who are you?

Firenze saves Harry.

Hagrid: I think I'll give you even more clues about the stone! Oh, oops.

Fluffy is sleeping when they arrive

Harry: Awwww someone beat us!

The trio gets past ridiculously difficult obstacles meant to stop fully aged wizards despite being first years.

Harry: Well, I am amazing AND famous, of course I get by them.

Quirrell: I is evil!

Voldemort: Shut up, minion! Get me the stone!

Harry: Hey, what's that in my pocket? Cool! I gots the stone! Yay me!

Voldemort: I kill you!

Harry: Bloody hell! You're trying that again?

The power of LOVE defeats Voldemort

Voldemort: Again? This little brat beats me AGAIN?! Goddamnit.

Dumbledore: You're not dead!

Harry: I know. Famous people can't die!

Dumbledore: I'm giving my favorite house just enough points to win! I has the power!

Harry: Man, I don't want to go home. I'm not famous there!


Thank you for reading!

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