Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter nor any of the characters mentioned

Author's Note: I did mention that I almost never update, right? oops?

Harry Potter in a Nutshell
The Chamber of Secrets

Harry: I'm a wizard dammit, leggo my owl!

Dudley: I want more bacon

Harry: You forgot the MAGIC word!

Vernon: ZOMG HOW DARE YOU SAY MAGIK!

Harry: Stupid muggles can't even remember my birthday, and I'm famous!

Dobby: Dobby loves Harry Potter, sir!

Harry: Ohhhh, a fan! I like you but shut up!

Dobby: Don't go to Hoggywarts! Is bad for Harry Potter

Harry: Bu-but I'm famous there!

Dobby makes a cake fall on the important muggles head

Harry: Aw bloody hell. Vernon's vein is sticking out. Can't be good.

Vernon: I HATE YOU, BUT I'M GOING TO KEEP YOU IN MY HOUSE INSTEAD OF SENDING YOU AWAY.

Ron appears in a flying car

Ron: What the hell, Harry! You didn't answer my love letters!

Harry: err- Sorry, Ron.

Fred: Now, just yup! Right just put this over the bars, perfect! Yeah, I've helped loads of prisoners escape before; I know what I'm doing.

Harry stays with the Weasleys'

Arthur: Just go in the chimney with all this dust, say a few words, and BAM you'll be in Diagon Alley

Harry: Easy, peasy. I mean, I defeated Voldemort as a baby, this'll be easy!

Harry messes up

Lucius: yeah, I've got all these super deadly poisons in my house. I think it'd be best to hide the evidence for a while.

Harry: Oh snap.

Lockhart: I love me. I love me. I LOVE ME.

Harry: I hate that guy! He thinks he's better than ME, and I'm fuckin' Harry Potter!

Lucius does something super sneaky with Ginny's books.

Harry: The portal won't open! What are we going to do?! I HAVE to go to Hogwarts or else I won't gave my daily dose of obsessive fans!

Ron: Well, we could just fly there! I doubt my parents have a better idea

Harry and Ron fly into a tree. Amateurs.

Lockhart: This year -I love me- we'll be -I love me- studying ME! Because I'm super magical AND famouser than Harry Potter

Colin falls in love with Harry

Harry: And I'm the seeker, which means I'm the most important player out there naturally.

Draco: Filthy dirtyfluidconsistingofplasmabloodcellsandplatelets!

Ron: Oh no you didn't!

Ron's spell backfires, and he becomes one with the snails.

Harry: Woah! What's that weird noise that only I can hear? Maybe I'm schizoph-No! It's because I'm the WORLD FAMOUS Harry Potter!

Nick: Come to a party that'll celebrate me being dead, kay?

Harry: Here Kitty, kitty! Hey guys, look at that cute, frozen look on her face!

THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENDED! ENEMIES OF THE HAIR, WEAR A HAT.

Hermione: WHAT?! OMG, It can't be true! How can something exist that I've never even read about!?

Colin: Hey heir of Slyth- I mean, Harry!

Harry: I'm going to pretend I hate this, but really any publicity is good publicity!

Hermione: Let's make some polygenic potion! I'm wicked smart, it can't be too hard for me!

Harry: Heh, even bludgers can't get enough of me!

Lockhart: Not to worry, not to worry! Watch this!

Harry loses all the bones in his arm.

Lockhart: oopsies poopsies.

Dobby: Dobby wasn't trying to kill you, sir. Dobby just wanted to maim you enough that you'd be unable to stay at Hoggywarts!

Harry: Oh! Well, that changes everything.

Draco: Let's dance, Potter!

Begins to Duel

Harry: Stop, you snake! I command ye!

Ron: Wowow, you speak snake!

Harry: I know. Famous and all powerful, remember?

Ernie: ZOMG Harry's like The BAD GUY!

Harry and Ron turn into the beautiful Crabbe and Goyle

Harry: No one's going to know I'm the one who lived anymore!

Harry pouts

Hermione turns into a cat

Harry: Oh, neat! A diary! I can write all my hopes and dreams in it. Yay!

Riddle: Hello, Harry Potter! I'm a diary!

Harry: Wicked! Another person that'll obsess over me.

Hagrid: Pretty spider. Such a cute lil' spider.

Riddle: Hey, you! STOP OPENING THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS AND KILLING PEOPLE

Hagrid: But he's just an innocent, deadly spider!

Hermione: I've got to go the library!

Harry: Have fun, ya nerd.

Hemione's petrified.

Aragog: I'm friends with Hagrid, not you. Mmmm Dinner.

Harry: Maybe we should -uh go visit our supposedly best friend

Ron: Wow! Hermione is smart. She figured out that it's a huge snake! Yay

HER SKELETON WILL LIE IN THE CHAMBER FOREVER… dun dun dun

Ron: That jerk's got my sister!

Snape: Ey, Lockhart. You're a big hero, right? Why don't you save the day already?

Lockhart: Er-I love me- I guess I could -I love me- try and ….RUN AWAY

Harry says the super secret password and opens the entrance

Lockhart: Now, since I love me so much, I can't have you ruining my reputation, so I'm just going to…

Lockhart tries to cast a spell, but it backfires

Harry: Well, he's pretty much useless and so are you Ron, so I'm just going to go ahead and be the hero. Again.

Riddle: We meet again, Harry. Oh, and by the way, I'M VOLDY VOLDY MORT! … mwuahaha.

Harry: Dammit. Again? Why won't you die already?!

Riddle summons the basilisk

Harry: Crap, crap, crap. I've got to battle that thing? No fair!

Harry kills the basilisk

Riddle: Hah, you're dying, Potter! YAY ME, I finally killed you!

Harry: Nah, the hero never dies! Huzah! Fawkes, save me!

Fawkes cries, and it saves Harry.

Harry: Told ya so.

Harry stabs the diary

Riddle dies

Harry: Wow, I'm so amazing. I killed that loser, AGAIN

Everyone's happy

blah blah blah

Harry's a hero

Blah blah blah

Lucius is a bad, bad man.

Blah blah blah

Percy's got a girlfriend

Yada yada yada

Happy Ending!

THE END