Shared Traits

Luke Skywalker screamed as Darth Vader's glowing scarlet blade sliced through his wrist.

"OW!" he yelled at the Dark Lord. "What did you do that for?"

The nightmarish black specter that was Darth Vader paused for a moment, the frightening skull-like helmet hiding his face tilting in puzzlement. "What?" the Sith Lord rumbled in his deep voice, eyeing the young Jedi suspiciously.

Luke waved the stump of his recently severed hand at the Sith. "You cut off my hand, you jerk! Why'd you do that?"

Vader straightened, the fierce wind around them tugging at his long black cloak, and deactivated his lightsaber. "You do not yet realize your importance, young one. Join me, and I will-"

Luke interrupted the Dark Lord. "Importance? You just cut off my freaking hand! How important can I be if you're just going to go hacking parts off of me whenever you feel like it?"

Vader made a disgusted noise, oddly distorted by his helmet and the vocoder that processed his speech. "You weren't exactly listening to me before, now were you?" he rumbled, planting his gloved fists on his hips. "Now I have your full attention, don't I?"

Luke jammed the stump of his hand under his armpit and glowered petulantly at Lord Vader. "I suppose. Now, what do you want?"

Vader extended a gloved hand to Luke, but the young Jedi scowled at him. "What?" said the Dark Lord, pausing in puzzlement again. "I haven't said anything yet."

Luke gestured at Vader's still-outstretched hand. "Is that supposed to be funny?"

Vader glanced at his gauntlet, then looked back at Luke. "What?"

Luke pointed at the black-swathed warrior with his remaining hand. "I'm supposed to take your hand now? After you cut mine off? The Dark Side must twist your sense of humor, too."

Vader withdrew his hand and cocked his helmet in such a manner that Luke thought the Dark Lord was frowning beneath it. He shook his head slightly and continued, reaching out his hand again. "Luke, you must come with me. You are more powerful than the Emperor; he has foreseen it. Join me, and together-"

Luke interrupted again. "Now just a minute here! I want to know why you cut off my hand!"

Vader made the disgusted noise again, sounding aggravated this time. "I told you! You were being difficult, so I needed to shut you up for a minute while I made my little speech here." Vader interrupted Luke's reply to continue. "You don't know the power of the Dark Side. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father, did he?"

Luke glared at the Dark Lord. "He told me enough; he told me you killed him. Did you cut off his hand, too?"

Vader brought his gloved hand up to his helmet, as if to massage the temples hidden behind the death's-head visage. "Oh, drop it!" he said. "Yes, I cut off your hand, Luke. We can get you a replacement. It's not like they're hard to come by." He straightened again. "Now, I have to tell you something."

Luke waved his stump at the Dark Lord. "What? You're going to cut off my other hand? Maybe one of my feet?"

Vader growled in annoyance. "Oh, for- I'm your father, you little twit! I'm beginning to have my doubts, though. I never did this much carrying on when I got my hand cut off. Even when I lost my other arm and my legs and then caught on fire!"

Luke looked back at the black-shrouded monstrosity in horror. "What? You're my father? And you cut my hand off anyway? That's child abuse, man! You expect me to join you now?"

Vader paused, deciding to try a different method. "Come to the Dark Side, Luke," he said, stretching out his hand again. "We have cookies."

Luke perked up at this. "Hmm. I could use a cookie right about now." He looked up at the Dark Lord, suddenly glaring again as he raised his stump. "It'd take my mind off the fact that my father just cut off my freaking hand and told me to shut up about it!"

Vader pressed one hand to the forehead of his mask. "You're just not going to let that go, are you?"

Luke crossed his arms over his chest. "No, I'm not." With that, he rolled over the side of the metal walkway and let himself drop.

Vader leaned over the railing and watched his son fall. "He can't be my kid," the Dark Lord said, shaking his head in disbelief. "There's no way someone related to Anakin Skywalker could possibly be that whiny."

With a swirl of his cape, Vader stalked back into the depths of Cloud City to take his frustration out on some unfortunate stormtroopers.


Author's Note: Hooray for silly oneshots that reference amusing T-shirts. ;)