A/N Yuram: Maybe someday I'll write a fanfic that isn't crack. It is rather unlikely, though. So get used to this sort of thing.
A/N Akunen: Fans, on the bright side, I'm off hiatus. Not-fans, please don't kill me.
"Why couldn't you just stop and ask for directions? Now we're lost!" Sandy was yelling at Danny as they flew in their magic car. She'd been nagging him ever since they left and Danny wasn't man enough to give the broad the smack in the face she deserved. "We're not lost!" Danny snapped back at her. "I know exactly where we are!" He gripped the steering wheel harder. You could see the grease starting to bubble on his head from his suppressed rage. "Really now? Then where are we?" Sandy crossed her arms and glared at him. Danny said nothing. "Exactly, now if we had just stopped when I asked you to we could be in a cheap motel by now. But nooooo you had to be a man. 'I don't need no stinking directions!' Pssht, my ass you didn't! If I was in charge-" "ENOUGH!" Danny yelled cutting her off mid-sentence. "We're lost, okay, so just shut up already, you crazy bitch!" "Excuse me?! What did you just call me?! Pull over, I'll walk home myself." "Pull over where?! We're above a freakin' ocean! Who do you think you are, Jesus? You aren't walking anywhere." "Now there was a decent man, Jesus Christ. I bet he wouldn't be ashamed to ask for directions." Sandy continued on and on with her nagging while Danny started searching through the glove box to find a pen to stab his eardrums out.
Somewhere in a pineapple under the sea... Oh, absorbent and yellow and porous is he indeed. Spongebob Squarepants was running around Bikini Bottom, reef blower in hand, annoying the townspeople and not even knowing it. It was his day off, and the only way to keep himself from taking a spork to his squishy wrists was to keep himself occupied. On his way around he ran into Mr. Krabs beating the living daylights out of Patrick. "Mr. Krabs!" Spongebob yelled in shock, "What are you doing!?" "He ate me nickel, me boy!" Mr. Krabs fought was simply drooling, obviously in a daze from the beating. Unable to control his emo urges at seeing this, Spongebob turned his reef blower up to the highest level and pointed it at the ground, being blown off to who knows where.
Danny was still searching for a way to end it all and Sandy was still be a total bitch when out of nowhere there was a loud noise and the car began to shake violently, smoke pouring from the hood. "What the HELL did you do now?!" Sandy asked, obviously annoyed and PMSing. "It sounds like a suicidal sponge wearing pants just got jammed in the thingermadoodle gear shaft." "In English, please." "We're going down!" The car took a nose dive and started spiraling out of control. They were driven into the ocean and hit the ground at full speed. Luckily they were wearing their seat belts so nobody was hurt. The same couldn't be said for the over-sized pineapple they hit.
The two sat in silence for a few minutes, obviously shaken from what just happened, before Sandy finally spoke. "Of course you'd crash. You know, if Jesus were here..." Danny started sobbing, wishing that the accident had killed him.
Spongebob groaned as he slowly opened his eyes. He couldn't feel much, but he knew he was laying in a mixture of reef blower parts and was lodged inside of an old 50s motor. The hood of the car was slightly ajar. The sponge pushed with all his might to open the hood a little more, and he stuck his head out. He was welcomed to the horrific sight of his crushed pineapple home. "Oh, not again... The first time my house was destroyed was already unbearable! But this time..." He carefully extracted the rest of his body from the remains of the one and only Grease Lightning, and promptly struggled his way into the remains of his home. He found his trusty metal spork and hit his wrists with all the emo god's powers, until he saw a bright light being cast. "Jesus... Is that you!? Oh my god!" He burst into tears of happy, but this was short lived. "Oh, oh no... That's no Jesus! That's fire! SOMEBODY HELP ME!" He screamed. Meanwhile, Squidward sat in front of his house, adjusting to the sun's direction as he sunbathed.
Danny pulled the sponge from the flaming car and tossed it behind his back. "Okay, try it now." Sandy, who was now sitting in the drivers seat, turned the key trying to start the car. "It's not working." She said. "Are you sure you're doing it right?" "I think I know how to turn a freaking key! Maybe you aren't fixing it right." "I've had enough out of you! Just shut up and stay in the car while I go get some help!" Sandy crossed her arms and gave an annoyed groan but stayed inside the flaming death trap just like her man told her. Danny walked over to a sun bathing squid and jabbed it in the head with his pointer finger. "Hey, hentai beast, you know where I can get my wheels fixed?"
Spongebob was flung immediately from Danny's hand. He cried in joy. "Thank you, kind sir," his words fading as he flew further and further away. Squidward snaked a tentacle around Danny's arm, and used another to pull down his shades just far enough to see the boy. After analyzing up and down real fast, he took his tentacle back and continued sunbathing. "No."
Danny flung Squidward to the ground and punched him in the face repeatedly. "Don't give me that attitude!" he screamed, taking out today's anger on Squidward, beating him to a bloody pulp.
After the thorough beating, Danny continued down the road until he reached a sweaty crab beating up a retarded starfish. Being the manly hero he was, Danny promptly drop-kicked the crab and rescued his victim. Danny helped the starfish to his feet. "I just saved your life, so you owe me big. You know anyone that can fix my car, slowbro?"
Squidward twitched. As Danny walked away, the tentacle monster reached out with one of his suctioned tendrils and gave Danny a firm squeeze on the ass. This was his last action, and he died promptly after. Mr. Krabs was in pieces, and he was knocked out. Damn 50s punks. Patrick shook his head and grinned. "Thanks man! I thought I was a gonner. Where to fix your car? Uhh....." ......... "Uhh......." ........ After five minutes of this, Patrick perked up once again. "Oh, yeah I do! Follow me!" And he stupidly started running over to Sandy's tree dome.
"Thanks bro." Danny let himself into Sandy's tree dome only to find his Sandy already there with the car. Being a woman, she was naturally attracted to small fluffy animals and disobeying orders from males. If it wasn't for the beating he gave Squidward and the fact the broad was almost useful for once, Danny might have actually back-handed that ho. Danny gave furry Sandy a once over and then shook his head. "Of course, ask the retard for a mechanic and he gives me some militant lesbian furfag. Like anything with a vagoo could fix my car." Danny grabbed his Sandy by the arm and dragged her towards the door. "Let's blow this Popsicle stick stand." "No way!" Sandy yelled as she pulled her arm away. "Women can fix a car just as well! Plus, I love cute little squirrels~" Sandy batted her eyes and used her feminist mind control powers to get Danny to give in to her demands. Danny couldn't resist her black magic. "So, you think you can fix it?"
Patrick did nothing but frolic through Sandy's treedome. He was mentally challenged, what else did you expect? Sandy gave Danny a punch on the arm. Hard. "Think I can fix it? DID YOU JUST ASK ME THAT? Boy I tell you..." Sandy Cheeks gave Grease Lightning one mucho karate chop on the hood, and all of a sudden the engine revved up. The car was working just fine. "There! Good as new. Now ah, let's discuss payment shall we?" She cracked her knuckles, making sure the message was clear no Rydell punk could take her down.
Danny pulled the fake shlong he used to stuff out of his pants. Now everyone could see that the only place his jeans weren't right at was at the crotch. "I'll let you use this and my girlfriend." "YIFF IN HELL" Sandy promptly falcon punched Danny in the junk, rendering him incapable of ever producing a child in the future. There was no way in hell she was a furry. "How about we take you and your retarded friend to get some ice cream and over-sized belt buckles?" Sandy knew that you only needed simple things to amuse an idiot and she had heard that Texans and retards were pretty much synonyms.
Sandy pondered for a moment. She wasn't sure if this completely topped Danny's offer. After a moment's reprieve, she spoke once again. Turning to Sandy Olsson, she said "Throw in a bar-bee-cue and you got yourself a deal!" She then looked down at the groveling blob of a man on the ground. "Whatcha gonna do with that?" she inquired, pointing at Danny. Patrick ran into the glass repeatedly.
"Just toss him in the trunk" Sandy said as she wrangled up Patrick and strapped him into the car. After he was secured she hopped into the driver's seat. "Due to the fact I've never had any need to leave the kitchen without a man, I don't have a license, but driving isn't that hard, and if I get pulled over I'll just cry until I get out of trouble."
Sandy obliged and grabbed Danny by the junk [or what was left of it] and threw the sobbing Rydell graduate into the trunk of the car. She hopped into the car Dukes of Hazzard style. "I ain't never drived once myself. But you're underwater, what's the worst that can happen!" She gave out a cry of "YEEHAW!" as they started moving.
Sandy started driving, and at first things were okay. However, since she's a woman driver, she soon started putting on make and other such things that women do while in a car instead of driving. Things really went down hill when an icky spider crawled onto the gas paddle. Sandy shrieked and started sobbing as she slammed her foot down to kill it. Due to the fact that she had no penis she didn't realize this was a horrible idea. The car jerked and soon they were fly straight up at high speeds right into outer-space. And feminists say female stereotypes are wrong.
Sandy tossed her cowboy hat around and out the car, screaming in excitement and enjoyment. Her air-filled fishbowl thing allowed her to keep breathing. She started nomming on some corn on the cob (A/N: OH GOD) as she waiting for the abrupt landing. "Can't go to Krusty Krab... Won't see Patrick again... No getting Squidward to love me... No reef blower.... AND THIS ICE CREAM IS CHOCOLATE!? I WANTED VANILLA! I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR!" Spongebob immediately started ramming a moon rock on his head when he finished listing off his losses. He stopped when he saw a speeding car about to crash into him.".... Deja vu much."
The car slammed into the sponge at full speed. If it wasn't for the fact that there was no air in space, there probably would have been some fire. Sandy said nothing. Danny said nothing. They were dead. There was no air in space so they couldn't breath. A British chap drove by in his space shape and threw a scone out the window. It landed on the car and there was immediately a large explosion. When the dust settled, everyone was once again alive. Kinda. The radiation from the scone had turned everyone into British space zombies. "I don't Adam and Eve this!" Danny yelled in his zombie cockney rhyming slang.
Spongebob rose from the ashes and immediately started crying. Except there were no tears, since he was a British space zombie. "WHY IS FATE SO CRUEL TO ME. KILL ME ALREADY." He prompty ran to the edge and jumped off the moon, on his way to the sun. Sandy, now sporting a monocle, nodded. "Fancy that, would you?"Patrick twiddled his nonexistant moustache. "A capitol idea, ol' chap."
"Bloody hell, woman! Do you see the trouble you went and caused! You need to use your loaf now and then!" Suddenly Danny no longer cared about how angry he was. He felt the primal need to feed that all zombies did. He wasn't a normal zombie though, he was a British space zombie. He didn't want brains, he wanted tea and crumpets. They all did.
They started walking in search of their meal. They ended up in the bad part of the moon during their quest and ran into some space punks. They got i one little fight and their mom got scared and said you're moving in with your auntie and uncle in London. They whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything they could say that this cab was rare, but they thought nah, forget it. "Tally ho chap, to London!" They pulled up to a house about seven or eight They yelled to the cabbie "Good day, fine sir!" Looked at their kingdom they were finally there to sit around and drink tea and eat crumpets all day. THE END
EPILOGUESomeodd lightyears later, Spongebob finally felt the white hot intensity of the sun. He was approaching it fast. He reached into his pocket and found... A lone space dog? His emo urges were melting away fast, and he was now emo about not being emo anymore. He tossed the space dog in the opposite direction, and exploded about as badly as a scone did when he hit the sun.
A/N Yuram: Space dog….. T___T Now I'm emo.
A/N Akunen: I can't believe I just helped write this