A/N: Eh, this is my first Hetalia fic, so, I'm sorry if its made of nothing but fail.
England had been planning this date for three weeks. He had made the reservations at a very nice restaurant about a week and half in advance. He had painstakingly made sure that his favorite tie was clean and pressed and set just so. After hours and hours of deliberation (and consulting* with France), he had chosen the perfect pair of loafers to go with his outfit.
In short, the planning of this date had been so fucking troublesome that all of this had better get him some sort of something at the end of the night. Although, England had to admit the entire stress of planning was entirely his fault since he had insisted that he was going to court America like a proper gentleman this time around**.
So, three weeks of intensive planning had led to what England expected to be a bloody amazing date. This date would piss on any other sad excuse of a date that America had previously been on. It would trump that time in '57 when Russia and America had gone to a fast food diner and skating rink. This date was going to be the epitome of what a good date should be. And he would be damned if something was going to go awry because if something did go terribly, horribly wrong for whatever reason, England knew exactly where his regalia from his pirating days was.
Presently, England was examining himself in the hotel mirror. He felt very pleased with himself and knew that he looked perfectly handsome, if he wasn't being too sure of himself. So, with his red tie and goldenrod handkerchief in the breast pocket, England ran a critical eye over his appearance and decided that it was time to leave for America's house.
England had everything planned down to an exact science. It would take him about twenty minutes to drive from his hotel to America's house near the White House. So, if he wanted to get there early and with some time to spare to talk with America before they headed off for dinner he would have to leave immediately. So, making sure his pale blond hair were in perfect order and his kerchief complimented the brown of his suit, England grabbed the keys to his car, locked the door to his hotel room and headed down to where he had parked the rental car.
* Technically, this "consulting" consisted of England cursing and yelling insults into the phone until France begrudgingly said that it was rather alright to wear brown loafers with a Harris Tweed suit. Francis did not agree with that one bit but he was not about to piss on England's merry little tea party.
** The previous time wasn't exactly a courtship as much as it was just England fucking America senseless right before the start of the American Revolution and that had been a mistake because it had landed America with 21 little mistakes that he couldn't get rid of. Moreover, the word 'mistake' was an affectionate synonym for the word 'state'.
When England arrived at America's house, he felt more confident that he had felt in a long while. He had just finished chewing on a mint and was prepared to give the other nation the beautiful bouquet of flowers that he had picked up. So, exiting the car while fidgeting with his tie and collar for a moment, England walked up the driveway, practicing the greeting the he had rehearsed in the mirror earlier that morning.
As he approached the door, he heard the crying of a child and a loud base beat emanating from the colonial style door. Double-checking that he had gotten the right house, England was surprised that all of that noise was coming from America's house. Then again, he shouldn't have been surprised at all because it was America and England knew better than anyone that he was an extremely noisy person. Still, how so much noise could come from such a large house, England had no idea.
Clearing his throat again, England knocked twice on the door in a loud manner so that he would be heard over the roaring of whatever music his former colony was currently listening to.
When the door opened, England thought that Spain had answered the door. The resemblance between Spain and whoever answered the door was simply uncanny, and then England remembered. It had to be a state because no other person in the entire world had power blue eyes like that other than America's children.
The carbon copy of Spain, once England had discreetly snuck a peek at him, looked about fifteen (maybe a little older or younger) was slimmer than both Spain and America but with the same tan skin and curly brown hair that Spain had. England quickly concluded that Spain was most definitely the father of this one and judging from the Mickey Mouse shirt on the slight boy, he was Florida. A dreadful screeching noise alerted England of the baby on Spain's hip. England didn't have to look twice to know it was Ivan's just because of the hair and the eyes. The Briton also took note of the fact that Alaska had that same flyaway hair that America had. Oh, how atrociously and disgustingly adorable.
"I–" England started to say but was cut off before he really got the chance to state his purpose for being on America's doorstep dressed in tweed and carrying a massive bouquet of roses. Florida moved aside, still balancing the Ivan-Spawn on his hip, to allow England entrance into the house.
"He's in the shower. He was ready to go but Hawaii spit up on him so he had to go change. And, man, I mean Hawaii really did a number on him. Covered, totally covered." Florida said, glaring down at Alaska who was still sobbing with all the might his tiny lungs could manage. At this point, England was ready to say something; he even had his mouth open and everything but, yet again, Florida beat him to the punch.
"Mom should be down in about twenty. He just got in. So–" Florida said, drawing out the 'so' and looking aggravated at the noisy baby he was carrying. The state shuffled over to a coffee table in the living room and snatched a blue pacifier off it before jamming it into the baby's mouth to effectively shut him up. "By the way, there's tea right here if you want some. I guess Mom wanted to chill before you guys left or whatever."
"Ah, thank you. You must be Florida." England said, helping himself to a small cup of tea, mixing sugar into it.
The conversation awkwardly lulled about them for a moment where the only thing that could be heard was Alaska suckling feverishly on the pacifier in his mouth.
"So, are you banging Mom?" Florida asked innocently, blue eyes practically bursting with curiosity.
England promptly choked on the tea he had just been about to swallow, scalding his wrist when some sloshed over the rim of the cup. How was he supposed to answer that question? What was he supposed to say in a situation like this? His mind raced with how to answer this tactfully and politely but he couldn't find anything to really say.
"I'll take that as a 'yes'. That's cool. I mean, I guess it's cool if you and Mom are down with it."
"What are you listening to? Hm?" England quickly asked, setting the cup and saucer down on the coffee table in front of him.
"Gloria Estefan. You like her?"
"Can't say I've ever really listened to her. I'm not-that is to say, well- I'm not very . . . keen on music." England said. This entire conversation should not have been as awkward as it was. Nevertheless, he kept thinking of how Florida was made and what that involved and every time Alaska moved, England had to fight to keep his lunch down at the mere thought of Russia doing things to America. Sick was an understatement.
"Well, this is an awkward turtle, huh?"
"Beg pardon?" England said, thick brows furrowing.
"You know, you're banging Mom and, jeez, you've got all these kids with Mom. Doesn't it, like, intimidate you at all that other people have kids with him?"
England knew that he couldn't snap at Florida. How would that look if he lost his temper with the child of someone he was trying to impress? It wouldn't look good at all was how it would look. So, he opted to take a demure sip of his tea, cleared his throat and cooed at the Ivan-Spawn for a second before squaring his shoulders and looking directly at Florida.
"Why, in the name of the Queen, would it disturb me at all?" England finally responding, sensing that he had won. He quirked an eyebrow as if to say "Surrender now, puny child. I am the mighty England and there is no way that you can intimidate me out of dating your Father, silly boy."
"'Cause. Think about it. When Mom popped Virginia out, I'm pretty sure you were all like 'Oh, hey there, state. Nah, you're gonna be our only one~'. But, boy, were you freaking wrong, uh?" Florida paused to tap on Alaska's nose, "You and Mom had like twenty-one kids. Colonies. Whatever you freaking want to call them. It started with one for everyone, dude. Seriously? You and France are great at it. And, jeez, take it from me, the Chernobyl disaster has Russia firing everything but blanks, buddy. So, what's to stop Japan and Russia from knocking Mom up again, huh?" Florida said, honey sweet smile on his face as he continued to play with Alaska who was tittering on in a very Russia-like manner.
England felt his ego metaphorically shatter into a million pieces, stepped on, and spat on. He wanted oh-so-badly to just get up and smack this insolent little brat across the face or at least give him a very long lecture on just why taunting the person who might very well become a typical face in your family life was a bad idea. Fortunately for Florida's ears (or, well, maybe not), Hawaii began to wail from wherever in the house the other state was.
"Be right back, I'm gonna go get her." Florida said, practically dumping Alaska into England's lap and practically skipping down the hall to retrieve his sibling.
Alaska innocently stared up at him with those large violet eyes that made England's stomach clench in dread. Why did he suddenly feel so nervous? This was practically an infant. There was nothing that this child could do to him that he couldn't live through. He was England; he used to be one of the most prominent empires in the world. This was Alaska. A frozen and barren tundra that nobody really cared about. This child, this thing was Ivan-Spawn and, somehow, even with all this against it, Alaska made England smile when the child took a strong hold of England's ring finger.
No! No, what was he doing? He quickly snatched his finger away, growling in frustration when Alaska giggled happily.
Florida, at that moment, came back in holding Hawaii who practically had 'Japan's Child' stamped on her forehead. She was a pretty little girl with black hair done up in pigtails and those same blue eyes that Florida had.
Oh, but by the bloody Queen, America made absolutely beautiful children. Truth be told, he hadn't seen any of his children in a very long while, be he was sure that they all must have turned out perfectly handsome or beautiful with America as a contributor to their genes.
England cleared his throat and pointedly avoided looking at any of the children, even Alaska who was trying to get his attention by smacking at his chest somewhat. The awkward silence loomed over the four occupants in the room, two of who were completely unaware of anything. The only thing breaking the silence occasionally was Florida cooing at Hawaii in a rapid string of Spanish that England was trying to translate in his head.
He knew enough Spanish to get a few key words like 'man' and 'old' but when he really thought about it, he was sure that Florida was saying something along the lines of: 'Oh, cute little baby, please don't cry and don't be afraid of the old man with the ugly eye brows. He's only here to steal Mommy's attention away from you, so there's nothing to be afraid of.'
There was a sound from the staircase and England stopped staring down his nose at Florida to turn his attention toward the blond vision that was coming down the stairs.
America looked breathtaking in his suit. It was a tad rumpled and he would have to get on America about going into public with rumpled clothes but, really, he could care less now. His former colony pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose with his middle finger and, for some reason, something so commonplace was only sexy when America did it. Knowing that he was probably staring with that odd expression that France thought was indigestion on his face, England cleared his throat and deposited Alaska on the floor next to the couch.
"Alfred, you look fantastic. Although, a tad rumpled." England said, taking up the massive bouquet and walking to his date, stiff upper lip softening into a small smile.
"Of course, just can't win with you, can I?" America said, playful and teasing. He took the flowers, grinning that amazing grin that made England's stomach contort and twist happily. Oh, America was beautiful and perfect but he'd rather be shot in the head before he said that aloud.
"Oh, for me? You shouldn't have!" America cried, burying his nose in one of the red flowers, inhaling deeply. Across the room, Florida cleared his throat and, as if on cue, Alaska spit out his pacifier and started to wail loudly.
"Well, I did, you git." England grumbled, watching as America carelessly deposited the roses on the coffee table and went over to the crying state. Well, fuck his life, please and thank you.
"Oh, don't be a fusspot, please. You're gonna be good for Aureliano, right? Hm? You're so pretty," America said, rubbing his nose together with the Ivan-Spawn, making a complete fool of himself. Florida didn't seem to mind much, too busy engaging England in a glaring contest, which only stopped when America said something to the older state.
"Aureliano. You took your Lithium* today?" America said, putting the pacifier back in Alaska's mouth and tousling the child's beige hair.
"Yes, Mom." Florida responded, rolling his eyes.
"Don't call me that. You're sure you took it? I'm not going to come back and find Alaska missing an eye because you had an episode, right, mister?" America asked, hands on his hips and glasses sliding down his nose.
"Yes, Dad. I took my pills today. Dios mio." Florida griped, bouncing Hawaii up and down.
"Alright. Now, you know where everything is and you know my cell number?"
"YES. DAD. I. KNOW."
"Look, I'm just making sure. All right, well, be careful. Blah, blah, blah, nothing you haven't heard before. If you need anything, you call me and I'll come right home, okay?"
"I love you, Aureliano. Daddy loves you guys!" America said, pecking the three states on the forehead quickly.
"Are you quite ready to go?" England asked, rolling his eyes as America carried on with his children for a second.
"Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure." America responded, straightening up and shoving his hands in his pockets. England put a possessive hand on the small of the younger nation's back, leading him toward the door and opening it. America went out quickly, waving at Florida who had followed them to the door.
"The door to the car is open, Alfred," England said, staring at Florida. America made his way down the driveway quickly.
"Firstly, you need to turn that bloody music down," England hissed at Florida, hand tightening around the door handle.
"Like you can tell me what to do, old man." Florida huffed, rolling his eyes.
"I can and I will. You should be nicer to me, you know." England said, eyes hardening but a small smile creeping onto his face.
"Oh, yeah? Why?" Florida challenged, his eyes flashing.
"Because you don't know what I'm capable of. Secondly, I'm going to be your stepfather very, very soon. I expect that you'll be behaving yourself. Well, good night, my lad." England said, grinning and closing the door behind him as Alaska started to wail loudly.
Game. Set. Match.
* Florida was bipolar and the weather in his state was testament to that. The only time he had ever forgotten to take his medication had ended with Texas–who was a slightly bigger than Alfred– being given a black eye and California with his earring yanked out of his ear. Florida never forgot again.
A/N: Augh, you made it through! Sorry for making you sit through that! Leave a review and let me know how I did?