Author Notes: I started this a while back after I first read chapter 181. I swear I have fluff for these two, but the angst was screaming at me to be finished first. :C

Pairings or Characters: Doumeki/Watanuki, implied Watanuki/Yuuko
spoilers for recent chapters
Word Count:
This isn't love. This is release.

Supposed to Have Been

Doumeki has forgotten how this began. He used to think that the first time he kissed anyone, touched anyone, made love to anyone, he would remember it always. But that's not what this is. This isn't love. This is release.

He knows it started shortly after Yuuko disappeared. Watanuki was despondent, quietly cleaning the shop as if Yuuko would return any moment and give him more chores if everything wasn't spotless, while knowing full well she never would. Everything he touched reminded him and saddened him, and he appeared more and more haggard as the days went by. Doumeki hadn't known quite what to do, but he was wracked with worry, even if his voice refused to let him say much about it.

Somewhere, between the silent meals together and quiet hours as one cleaned and the other read or entertained Mokona, there had been a kiss. That much Doumeki knows for certain. He can't remember who kissed who, but it didn't matter as their bodies came together and they fucked on the floor, desperate and needy and wrong.

Since then, it has become routine.

Even if Watanuki was the one who acted first, now he is never the one to initiate anything. After dinner, perhaps while doing the dishes, Doumeki will come up behind him, wrap his arms around Watanuki's waist and bite on his ear. The dirty pots and pans go ignored as they wrestle to get the unnecessary clothing out of the way, rocking against each other needily.

Doumeki bites and goes too fast and leaves Watanuki whimpering incoherently to just touchhim,touchhimplease and calls him 'you' in a rough voice neither of them can recognize. He does these things to remind himself that this wasn't what he -- either of them -- wanted. This was not how it was supposed to have been. Gentle embraces and hushed, loving whispers of 'Watanuki,' aren't fit for this misbegotten relationship between them.

Afterwards, Watanuki will cry. Not for himself, not for Doumeki, but for Yuuko. It makes Doumeki want to cry, too, but he settles for laying on the tatami-matted floor beside the sobbing mass of his friend-turned-pseudo-lover and providing him with the comfort of his presence. It's not that he craves for the presence of Doumeki in particular, but he can't be alone or else he will break down completely.

Doumeki doesn't mind that he could have been replaced by anyone, though. He just wants to help in whatever way he can, even if he knows this isn't the right way to do it.

Somewhere in the room where that first kiss had happened, the egg he'd been given lays smashed to pieces.