OUTTAKES! Bet you didn't expect this?!
Expect the Unexpected.
Minato strolled down the street, not a care in the world, barely paying attention to all the black cats and old ladies in need along his path. He knew he was forgetting something, but it couldn't have been that important if he didn't remember it.
It was then that a speech caught his attention; this was obviously highly abnormal behaviour for him. However Minato could not stop himself from being ensnared by the Sandaime.
It was of common knowledge that when the Sandaime was near Minato… Well let's just say Minato stopped acting like himself.
"Ninja of Konohagakure hear me! I beseech any among you who are interested in being the next Hokage to put your name forth now. My time as Hokage has come and soon it will be gone, I wish to rest my weary bones. Of course it's not because of the massive supple mounds of paper work, or the dithering and nagging of a council that's too full of itself, nor is it the tedium that is slowly boring me to death… oh hoho not any of that at all."
All of the Jounins present shifted nervously and quickly glanced away from the Sandaime, not Minato though. He couldn't look away from slightly above the old geezers head.
Old man Sarutobi sighed deeply, he had expected this really. His eyes began to search the crowd, he'd be damned if he'd be stuck coddling these babies another day.
No one would make eye-contact with him though, well besides Orochimaru, he was giving him a stare that scared the crap out of him. It was a look that reminded him of his wife while she was pregnant and out for his blood, or balls. Whichever she got a hold of first really.
Sighing again he decided to just do this the way his teachers had.
"Alright since no one wants to apply, I'll be choosing candidates from among you myself."
At this point Orochimaru decided to speak up.
"I'll do it. Ha ha ha…" He glanced around nervously hoping no one picked up on his mistake.
Sarutobi and everyone else just ignored him.
"Okay... moving right along." He glanced around the room and noticed Minato had his hand raised.
Minato who was actually rubbing his chin and fixing his hair was a bit startled when the Sandaime pointed at him. However being who he was, he decided to simply go with the flow.
"What… are the benefits of becoming the Hokage?"
Everyone froze for a moment, before looking at him. Upon looking they froze some more and then they too wondered. What were the benefits of being the Hokage? It couldn't only be the tower and funky robes could it?
"That's a good question Minato, I'll be sure to give you a banana sticker for asking it later." Everyone grumbled about not getting one of the treasured banana stickers, while Minato high fived everyone around him weather they were willing or not.
"So… what are the benefits Old Man of the leaves?" Minato asked for a second time.
"Ah! That's a good question Minato! Well… you get to adopt a pet from the adoption centre of course, and you get these robes. Also you get to know all the village's Secrets!"
"What about the Hat?"
"This old thing?" Sarutobi asked while running his fingers along the brim of his awesome hat. "This of course comes with the office."
"I'll do it!" Shouted Minato to no one's surprise.
"That's the spirit! Alright, does anyone else want to apply for the position? No one else wants to be Hokage? None of you slackers wants to be the primary protector of the village?!"
Orochimaru was jumping up and down, doing anything to get Sarutobi's attention. He had to be Hokage, he just had to! Even if it cost him his life.
"Sensei! You have to be the strongest right?! The strongest in the village! Or else you can't become Hokage! Thus the Hokage should be me!" Orochimaru did an odd looking sprint towards his sensei. It made him look like he was the retarded offspring of a crab and a rooster.
"Oh hohohohohoho. That is true! However with all I have taught you, do you honestly think you are the strongest already? The both of you have yet to even have a match!" Saru the Jiji nodded to himself thoughtfully. "Yes you will both fight here and now. BEGIN!"
As this went on Minato started to frown. The longer it went on the bigger his frown got. That hat was his. So as soon as the word was given and Orochimaru had arrived in front of him.
He channeled all his hope, his dreams, and all of his sorrows and nailed him in the face with a frightful punch knocking Orochimaru OUT!
"BOOM! HEAD SHOT! I beat him with one punch too! Obviously that hat is meant for me and I am meant for it."
"Nice job Minato!" Sarutobi the old slid him a fiver on the down low.
"Besides he said Iwa ain't that bad once."
Saying Iwa ain't bad? That was too much for Konoha. So thus it was that Orochimaru was given a proper unconscious ass beating that would be told of in legend for years to come.
After settling everything up with Sarutobi, and being sworn in as Hokage to be, he suddenly remembered he had to meet those kids who kept saying he was their teacher. Using his famous Flashing skills, he zoomed in on their location. When he didn't find them at the first spot, he just flashed around town until he spotted them. He needed an excuse though, they'd be a pain in the ass if he didn't have one.
Suddenly his trip down the street crashed back in his skull. He had the perfect excuse!
"Hey Guys! Guess what! I'm Hokage now! Today I had to go through ten ultimate challenges... Hey... Hey are you listening?"
"Who'd believe that Sensei?" Monotoned Kakashi.
"Yeah... who'd put you in charge of the entire village?!" Stated Rin.
"I... I believe you Sensei!" Yelled Obito with stars in his eyes.
"Obito! You're my favourite student! Take after me!" Minato began to weep manly tears.
"Sensei!" Cried out Obito embracing Minato in a truly platonic manner.
"It's true though you know. Old Man Monk-age gave me the position after I knocked out Orochirape-u."
"Whoa!" Said Obito, while his other two students scoffed unbelievingly.
"I did it all for the Hat."
"We believe you now Sensei." Said Rin, speaking on behalf or herself and Kakashi.
"Yeah, only Sensei would and could become Hokage for the sake of a hat." Kakashi added.
"Did... did Kakashi just try and crack a joke?" Asked Obito disbelievingly.
"I think so! Oh my wonderful stalkers! How you've grown in your time chasing me around!"
"So... Shouldn't you be doing Kage-stuff now Sensei?" Rin asked.
"They'll have to catch me first stripper." Minato looked at her with serious eyes.
"I AM NOT A STRIPPER!" Shouted Rin, her face red with rage.
"Rin strips to pay her way through college Sensei?" Asked Obito completely ignoring Rin's outburst.
"Times are tough all around treasured pupil." Added Minato with a nod.
"Actually, that's the stripper myth, most of them just use that to get better tips." Spoke Kakashi, the hint of experience in his voice assuring the other males that he knew of what he spoke.
"Still, now that I think about it. Last week I thought I saw her on the corner near the Uchiha district late at night" Obito said, giving Rin an appraising look.
"You never know... It might have been her, using her womanly tubes for things... We'll never know for sure though Shorty. It's a mystery to everybody."
Rin could only stand there mouth agape, wondering what she had ever done to deserve this.
"Rin... I don't mind if you have to do that sort of thing to pay the bills. Just not during practice alright?"
"...Hai Sensei." Said Rin resignedly.
"Great! Now who's up for some drinking?"
At this point I was like wtf?! And Lai was like 'hahaha!' But I knew...see, I knew that that little stripper joke was aimed at something. She just mocked all us poor, little money university students!
Lai: I have no idea what you're talking about *whistles innocently*
Asuma: After his horrible, HORRIBLE pirate...thingy, Asuma stayed in Konoha till shortly after the Kyubi's loan collecting mission. After the further horror, and his father's advice to "Walk it off, dick." Asuma went and joined the Daimyo's court, where he was watched closely for a long time because of his hairy knuckles.
Who'd have thought that's why he became one of the Daimyo's Guardians? This stuff is crack...
Lai: Yeah, I know...we wrote it after all.
Kakashi: Went on to be a great fan of Jiraiya, reading the porn where ever he was and when ever he was. He was constantly late because he liked to go to the MIA stone and read it out load so Obito and Minato can listen in. (If they could, he wasn't sure but he felt good reading it out loud) Hopefullly Obito's spirit would enjoy this since he died a virgin.
Ok...now that...THAT is messed up. I knew Kakashi was on something. It's the creepy, bored look he has all the time.
Lai: Chuckles behind a Shark-Glove clad hand.
Gai: Gai went on to become a well renowned Pirate Captain. Known for his Explosions of Rage, and youthful Keelhauling. On returning to Konoha he took up his mantle of Gay and committed himself to youth. He is currently seeking a relationship, with someone youthful.
I was wondering whether I should cut this bit out. Isn't it M?!
Lai: You'd cut off your hair if it was M.
Anko: Went on to become Konoha's primary Dango eater/almost stripper. After many years of service (not like that!) she would be attacked by root ANBU, this incident inspired her to take more control of her life, thus she went on to pursue her childhood dream of becoming a Dancing Queen/Dango connoisseur.
Can't you just tell Agent A wrote this one?
Lai: He's a whale, just so you know.
Kushina: Kushina's last thoughts "*Censored* WIFE *Censored* *Censored* HUSBAND! .. MY BABY" And that she is also skewered still on Dango sticks.
When I first read how they did Kushina's death, I won't lie to you, I stared at the screen in a trance.
Lai: It's your own fault for not being online when we did it!
Madara: Madara(A.k.a. Dara, A.k.a Zura ja nai, Katsura dattebayo!) went on to live in various caves while pretending to be a mentally challenged individual. However he listened to the sage advice of a man named Zetsu and never went full retard.
That first line is so full of win.
Sandaime: After his trip to the island, Sandaime was never the same. All the opium he had while there got to his brain, that and the sun stroke. Even with opium Sandaime seemed to be talking like a wizened old windbag with a gas problem. He sprouted odd things from quotes to his own thoughts seemingly at random. But no one ever noticed since they knew he was old, not that he was clinically insane.
And THAT particular adventure comes later, my dear reader! Hahahahahaha!
WhiteBeard: Hulk Hogan eventually took over the persona of Whitebeard after getting constantly annoyed all the time. Minato showed him the path to greatness and he damn well stepped on it with all his might. He even grew his moustache out, moon-shaped!
Ahhh, the Pirate Arc! So much fun!
Lai: I love Pirates!
Maid Genrian: After his adventurers in cross-dressing, Genma would go on to try and become Konoha's best trap. He failed horribly when Neji Hyuuga turned 5 years old.
I've totally forgotten this character! Have you?
Tobitake Tonbo: Tonbo went on to get lost in the desert. He showed up in Konoha a year after the Kyuubi's "attack" with dreadlocks and a pair of sunglasses. The reason for this is unknown.
Heheheh! This guy's great! It's funny as hell that nobody even knows he exists and yet...the 'girls' in this place have elevated him to e-idol status!
Lai: No, only Pickle!
Yamato's Kidney: After leaving Sandaime's place with kidney in hand, Minato found that it made a great stress reliever for the 2 seconds he squeezed it.
He went on to find that it also made a great back scrubber when helping Kushina wash up and from there he found that if you didn't quite have enough stuff to put in people's milk shakes apparently it provides excellent quality strawberry juice.
Minato, after finding so many uses for Yamato's kidney put it in a special place in his house. On the book shelf. Where he found it made a great replacement bookend for the one he threw and broke the other day.
And the beautiful tears it dropped while being up there... Well. No one would ever steal his books.
Somehow, I know that you wrote this as a little message to me Ageant. Know that I know this.
Lai: Sheep's Intestines Fuu!
Kakashi's Bathroom: It was dark in Kakashi's bathroom.
But there was a clear path to the most used functions in the room. One to the shower, one to the toilet and one to the sink.
Not that Kakashi need a path, Ninja tip-toeing became one of his best skills over the years.
Kakashi never turned on the light, and the light never turned on without Kakashi.
But, since you really wanted to know...
Lining the floor was a bunch of towels, All slightly dabbed in a some red substance. Where did these linens come from?
There's a girl next door that Kakashi just can't help but notice.
And once a month during a certain week, Kakashi nabs a towel from her.
But not just any towel either.
He makes sure to nab it in the night. Also he makes sure to wear his ninja pants real tight. He dashes in quick, and doesn't hold his... well anyway he's very stealthy. He always grabs it off the line, in order to impress that lady next door.
However he's rightly reasoned that stealing someone's towels is a cruddy thing to do, so he never returns them!
Being the lazy bastard that he is, Kakashi not wanting to return the bloodied towels but yet not wanting to do anything with them kind of just left them in the bathroom.
Because that's where towels belong.
Now, the funny thing is every year Kakashi has to find a new person to leech off of.
For you see, after a year of having your bloody towels stolen. You kind of just leave the neighbourhood. In fact most of them would have run screaming after the second theft if not for their lease.
What? Konoha's an expensive place to live!
Kakashi also had a secret. Sometimes when he got off of the shower he dripped water all over the floor and the blood on the towels leaked out onto the floor making a blood puddle.
It got really sticky in there every so often. So everyonce n' awhile he makes sure to drop a towel on the puddle and use his foot to half-assedly clean it up.
He figures that in the off chance that he ever has to move, he'll just hire some genin to take care of it. The cheapest team he can find... hopefully young too. He can give them a very easy explanation and some candy and they'll never speak of it. To anyone... ever.
He chuckled while thinking of making his own genin team do it, Well if he ever got one. But somehow he almost doubted his life would come down to that. Almost.
He'd of course be the figure who was only 'cool' in hindsight. He'd need a rather plucky kid who was only out to score like his delicious sensei. Some kind of brooding prick to play him when he was not cool. Also he'd need a hooker, though one more exotic looking than Rin if possible.
As the day ended, As the month ended, We are still finding out more unusual things about the most interesting and curious creature that goes by the name
...Somehow, my image of Kakashi is ruined forever.
Lai: It already was. Don't make me bring up Dominick!
Luckily, I censored that! And be glad I did dear readers! It would scar you forever!
Kyuubi: He's still waiting for the money for that six pack he bought. Oh Kyuubi!
Hahahahaha! Bet nobody expected that!
Lai: Damnit! Give Kyuubi his 6-pack!
Minato: Went on to live in both the Shinigami and his child's stomach at the same time. In Naruto's stomach Minato went on to hurl abusive language at the Kyuubi. In Shinigami's stomach Minato went on to beat the shit out Sandaime's bottom with Orochimaru's arms, while laughing at the ass end of the Kyuubi floundering around.
It should also be noted that Sandaime was not hurt in the writing of this blurb. He volunteer'd for any actions he took part in.
That's just...so wrong.
Lai: Cackling madly as she is wont to do.
Itachi: Aka Toto, He's now well versed in the art of hating people, His time with The hokage is the time that changed him for the better, Itachi will forever be in debt to Konoha.
I think this is the best explanation I've ever read for why he goes rogue and yet doesn't try to kill Naruto. Sharingan what?
Lai: We are just that awesome.
Jiraiya: He became a world renowned playwrite, and even more well known lecher. He always became well known for running away from anyone who said the words child support in his presence.
Poor Jiraiya, he was doomed from the get-go.
Lai: Damn you Ageant!
Homura: Continued to constantly poop himself and yell obscenities in council meetings.
I censored that last bit...why is it that nearly every outtake has been turned into some crazy perverted escapade?!
Lai:...umm, maybe because it is?
Danzo: Went on to head a band called the Misfits. A bit further on in life he would be known as the guy that did that Mother song.
...I have three words for him: Eye Gunk Guy.
Lai: Don't worry, I have Shark Gloves!
Kirabi: Went on to sing at Minato's funeral... naked.
You know, I can actually imagine him doing this.
Lai: Of course you can Bee!
Beth: During all her time as Mizukage, Beth's personality changed a bit she became more of a slut and her boobs grew even bigger. She angst'd and blamed Madara for the state of Mizu and proceeded to want revenge. Beth is the much better spitting version of Sasgay.
Bethy, bethy, bethy...wherefore art thou?
Kisame: Is currently undergoing psychological treatment for being too close to Minato's crotch. He is also seeking reparations from the Daimyo of Mizu. However all his attempts to speak to the Daimyo have been refused.
And then you wondered why his sword fuses with him and turns into a shark. Lai, have you been influencing Masashi Kishimoto?!
Lai: I had a dream-
Water lord: Is currently spending his time dodging Kisame's reparation request, and snorting cocaine... a whole lot of cocaine. I mean if you were to see it, you would think 'Wow! That was a lot of cocaine just then'.
Well that explains why the Sandaime found what he did on a remote island in Mizu!
Gaara lived his life not taking shit from anyone, just like that tall drunk blonde man taught him. You have to stick it to the man if you want to get anywhere. And that's exactly what he did. Sometimes, Gaara even got a shower out of it.
Never let a blond influence anyone...period. Right Lai?
Lai: Stop abusing my sister's boyfriend!
Old Lady Chiyo: Old Lady Chiyo kept hopping round Suna like it was a big play ground. Till suddenly one hot day, her grandson Sasori came back to play. So she chased after him lightning fast, and killed him with some pink haired girl, on cratered ground. Soon afterwards though she used a jutsu and she hissed, cause she died bringing Gaara back from the deathly mist.
And that shows you why Ageant should never write poetry. Srsly.
Lai: Whale's shouldn't write poetry anyway! Ask Dory!
Hizashi and Hiashi: Hizashi later went on to die in his brother's stead. However he in fact had the last laugh. Which would explain his particularly angsty nature in later life.
Poor Hiashi. If only Neji knew eh?
Lai: He has girly hair, what did you expect?
Neji? Or Ageant? :P
Where'd the spandex seller get the spandex: Once upon a time, a farmer was taking a walk through the forest. He came up a tree that looked mildly nice. He looked at it, and for some reason was distracted by it.
After some time he returned home to find a large box sitting upon his doorstep. Taking a look inside, he was curious. It seemed to be some type of clothing.
Bringing the clothing in, he proceeded to try one on. He found that it fit a bit too snugly. His ball sack was riding high into... Well that can't be good.
Looking in the mirror he found that he also, looked horrible. It was like a horror movie, but real and uglier than one.
Quickly stripping he stuffed it in the box and ran next door. Leaving the box on one of his neighbour's steps he quickly ran back home.
The neighbour whose step the box was on, did exactly the same thing.
From neighbour to neighbour the box of clothing went until it made its way into Konoha and into the hands of our dear shop keeper.
Who, after peering inside noted with wide eyes.
"My my.. this.. this is SPANDEX!" He also noted that the spandex smelled like mouldy old socks. So after a trip in the laundry machine he quickly put the spandex out for sale.
"This useless article of clothing will make people buy my other stuff." it was an evil plan, and hot damn it worked. After someone's eyes connected with the spandex articles the darted off to the clothing elsewhere in the store. Curiosity and blindness got the better of them.
At least until Maito Gay.. Gai came along. He was the most unique person the shop keeper ever saw, and after Gai bought his first outfit the shopkeeper couldn't stop crying. Oh what had he done?! What had he done to this village?!
Later on when Gai and his pupil showed up again, the shop keeper closed down his store he broke. He just couldn't take it anymore.
And better yet. That strapping Yondaime Hokage had already stolen all his spandex years before.
And that's why, dear readers, you'll never see a street vendor selling Spandex!
Lai: Cosmo! Get back here!
Where'd Kakashi get the hat and parrot: Where did Kakashi find the Hat and the Parrot?!
Hatake Kakashi sped through the undergrowth on his merry way to the coasts of Kiri in order to...
What the hell were they doing again?
Anyway, so Sensei had ordered him and his comrades to assault Kirigakure and to do that they had to act all Pirate-like.
Pirate-like, Kakashi thought, Pirates would never be the same without their hats right?!
So looking around, he spied an old woman with a hat that looked just like a pirate's hat! I was all triangle-like and even had a feather!
Now Kakashi wasn't one to steal from the elderly; he was an upright, good-willed citizen if he said so himself. However, it was the feather that decided it.
Come on! The feather was bright red! Isn't that just a perfect pirate colour?
Ignoring the sputtering old woman who, just so you know, was entirely bald, he pondered on where he could find a parrot. Pirates would never be pirates without their talking parrots would they?!
Through his deep thought, the old woman's voice managed to break through.
And she was squawking.
Fist met palm. In a puff of smoke, he had his parrot and the old woman was nowhere to be seen. Smiling happily, Hatake Kakashi sped back to his group of merry brothers on their way to declare war.
Hahahaha! Who wudda thought?!
Lai: OMG! He did not just do that!!!
Sarutobi's Island Adventure:
The air was slightly salty before Sarutobi could even realise it. There was also a hint of sand in his mouth for some reason.
Finally sparing a glance around it seemed like it was in the middle of nowhere, and the middle of nowhere today seemed to be in the middle of the ocean for some reason.
Sarutobi obviously couldn't remember how he gotten here, his opium had had just worn off.
Good thing he kept it in bulk.
It was good opium too! The best kind. He'd have to make a shelter, and get some entertainment. Of the coconut variety, by that he meant he was going to show them why he was
called the original nut cracker.
He was getting twitchy though, he'd just have a little bit of his stash. Right?
Just a little.
By the time he had his 'little' bit he stumbled into a tree. And found the coconuts he had wanted, what a pleasant surprise. That small green glowing fairy was being nice to him today.
"Ho there little coconut, would you like to be my special friend tonight? Hohohoho, let's go build a hut, then you and I will get to know each other!" Even the wind was a bit disturbed and refused to flow in Sarutobi's direction for awhile.
After summoning his best monkey pal, to go build him his very own little Hut. Sarutobi noticed that his state of dress wasn't quite up to standards here.
Much too high for the quality he should be having while living on a deserted island.
Thinking quickly he tore off all of his clothes, except of course for his hokage jacket robe thingy that (with his awesome skills) he made into a cloth thong and cloak number.
"I look like that guy from Kumo... Gwandy or something like that, maybe it had an H in it?"
A fresh breeze went by, It was the most beautiful thing Sarutobi had ever felt. It tickled all his senses.
The beaming hot sun pelted down on his skin.
The crabs nibbled at his toes and at other places! In Sarutobi's defence, that woman had been so skanky that he would have been nuts not to!
Who was that slutty women you ask?
Well it was someone's wife... who... was it? Well He couldn't remember!
Prolly Shibi's wife... maybe. Could have been Hiashi's wife too!
But.. It was more than probably Shibi's wife. She still gave him looks even now. Oh man was he a cradle robber.
And then it started to poor.
Rain that is.
Some did however say that rain was angelic pee. Which was gross he had thought at the time, but what can you do?
Hiding in his monkey-made shelter. Saru found that it leaked.
This continued through the night but that's okay. He had a coconut and some opium. By morning he would have his very own best friend.
Also some spackle that he'd want to forget the source of. However you have to do what you have to do. Leaks suck, unless you're the one taking it.
Sarutobi woke in the morning as happy as an opium addict could be!
He could have never felt any better, well unless he had more opium to use! Which he did! So he was a very happy old geezer.
Standing and stepping out of his slightly damn shelter he looked at the beaming sun. And smiled. He could look at it all day. But that would burn his eyes out of their sockets so his just stared at the ocean.
For a long while.
A really long while. In fact it wasn't till he noticed the sun going down that he realized that he had been staring.
"Banana hammocks! I've been bamboozled by that confounded Spider Monkey!"
Little did he know, His skin was also a nice ripe red colour. He would have had a better chance at being an apple, than being a ninja.
Not that there had never been Apple Ninja. In fact Johnny Appleseedsuki was one of the world's most famous apples and ninja. Except for everywhere that was not Sarutobi's mind.
Becaues Saru's mind really, wasn't concentrating on anything at all!
Picturing hot babes roaming around he set off for bed and hoped for sweet dreams.
If the dreams didn't come, he'd always have that old coconut of his. Though his crippling, marriage ending impotence was still in effect.
It had been about a week or so, before Sandaime in his wildness mode woke up his a handmade spear (That was made to prod the natives) ... (if there were any)
He noticed that the scenery seemed a bit brighter.
If also a bit dare he say... gayer?
"Good gentlemen, why are you pelvic thrusting my hut so harshly?" He asked of the blue smoke man that was doing exactly as he said.
Of course it didn't answer, but in Sandaime's mind.. it was something like this.
'URRRGGGG HUFF HUFF ARGH!' In Sandaime's head this was the manliest moan someone could have put off before attempting to speak.
But he never told us that.
So forget about it.
Deciding to leave the blue man to his business, Sarutobi wandered outside to see a massive flotilla of ships that might just be stolen. More than that he noticed men, not in that way, many men. Some of which he knew.
Squinting at them he saw a nice looking blond waving in his direction, so after checking to see if anyone else was around Sarutobi waved back.
By the time a small row boat came with Minato on board barking orders.
Sarutobi had collected his coconut pal, and wished the blue man goodbye.
Then wisely stepping upon the water he made his way to the row boat.
"So." Sarutobi looked at them. "These ships?"
"Yeah." Minato looked him in the eye.
Damn! I couldn't stop laughing at this one! Did anyone ever wonder where the fleet came from?!
Lai: And that's all noobfaces! Go lament the end of the awesomely epic Epic! Don't come back for more!
PS: Agean't, you suck for not being awake when we did this, we wanted your comments too you smelly whale!