This is Total Crackfic, written for the TLYDF Sparkle and Snark-ful Humor Contest. Rated M for language, nudity, violence and bad taste. I'm just warning ya...
The names of 15 popular fanfics are hidden in here. Can you find them?
Alice stood with her arms crossed, leaning against the doorjamb of the front door to the house. "Nice going, Edward."
"Fuck you, Alice. You could have warned me."
"Nuh-uh. It's too much fun to watch you struggle."
Somehow, these days, this was how most of my conversations with Alice were going. I brushed past her, my eyes crimson. Another slip, another taste of forbidden fruit. This time it had been Japanese hikers. It had only been an hour ago, but I was still hungry.
What was it with the Japanese? They all tasted like raw fish. How come we never got any Cajuns up this way? I loved the spicy shit, man; that crap was finger-licking good.
Esme passed me as I headed up the stairs. I looked at her as I passed making her gasp as her hand flew to her throat. "Oh, Edward. Again?"
"Don't start, Esme," I growled at her.
She put a finger in her mouth to wet it and then scratched at a spot of dried blood on my chin. She grabbed at me as I shrank away, to more completely clean me up. "Kids these day," she muttered to herself.
"Stop it," I whined and she finally let me pull away. "God, Esme, I'm a hundred and eight years old," I said, wiping my face on my sleeve.
"Yes," she said, smiling fondly, "but you'll always be my baby."
"Then why won't you let me suck on your tits?"
"You need some serious attitude adjustment, young man," she said, getting stern. "Your father will be home from the office soon."
I turned and continued up the stairs. "He, at least, gets to suck your tits," I muttered.
"I heard that!" she yelled, but I kept going towards my bedroom, my own bit of sanctuary.
I threw my backpack on the bed, and looked at myself in the mirror. Damn red eyes, I looked like a total cokehead. Not unexpected, however. I threw myself on the sofa. It had all started with that new girl in school. I'd lured her out into the parking lot and the new girl's first day of school had also been her last. Since then, I'd been struggling with my sobriety. I'd be okay for a few days or so, and then something, a lingerie ad on TV, a WFW smackdown, or an episode of ER would set me off and I'd be out hunting humans again.
I cringed when I heard Carlisle's Mercedes pull into the garage. I heard him call to Esme, "Hi, honey, I'm home." Now comes the fallout, I thought, as I heard his feet climbing the stairs. Esme was following close behind him and whispering in his ear.
Carlisle showed up in the doorway to my room, with my mother hovering expectantly behind him. "Hello, Edward," he said seriously.
I turned over to face the window. "Hmmpf."
He came in the room and closed the door on Esme's outraged face. "We need to talk."
"No, you need to talk and you want me to listen," I pointed out. "I don't need to talk at all."
Carlisle heaved a big sigh. "What seems to be the problem? You were doing so great for so long and then bam! Now it seems every other day, you're coming home smelling like tourists."
I rolled to my back and stared at the ceiling. "God, Carlisle, weren't you ever young? Can you even remember the rush? That feeling of power as you selected your victim? The sense of victory as you bring your teeth to their neck?
Carlisle's eyes drifted off into the distance. "That little mewling noise they make right before…" He shook his head, and got serious. "This has to stop."
I rolled back over to the window. "I don't know if I can."
"The bodies are building up, Edward. If this keeps up, people will get suspicious that we've got a vampire in the basement. Hell, they'll suspect the whole house. As it is, our basement looks like John Wayne Gacy's."
I grunted in response. I had a ways to go before I hit Gacy's body count.
"Well, let me think on this. Maybe I can find some way to help you."
"Whatever." I wasn't holding out much hope.
He turned and headed for the door, stopping as he put his hand on the doorknob. "In the meantime, please talk to someone if you feel the urges start." He shut the door softly behind him.
I grunted again. If I felt the urge again, the only person I would be talking to was somebody with a pulse.
The next day, I wasn't really surprised when Tanya showed up. I knew the rest of my family felt that part of their success in conquering their bloodlust had been in the indulgence of other kinds of lust. Sex and vampires, at least the vegetarian kind, went hand in hand in their minds.
However, I'd overheard the arrangement she and Carlisle had made on the phone. "If you are successful in seducing Edward," Carlisle told her, "I'll make it worth your while."
I was standing in my room, wide awake as usual, gazing out the window when Tanya entered.
"Hello, Edward," she purred.
I rolled my eyes, but continued to survey the fields. I heard the rustle of clothing as her mind filled with thoughts of miscellaneous body parts rubbing together. I shivered with repugnance.
"Come on, Edward," she said in a low and throaty voice. "You must know why I'm here."
I turned to see her in the middle of my room, naked, her hands on her knees, waving her naked ass at me. "Jesus, Tanya! Subtle or what?"
She stood up and turned around to face me, her hands on her hips. "Why is this such a big deal, Edward? It's obvious you need to get laid."
"It's not obvious to me," I protested as I turned back to the window.
She came up behind me. "Come on, Edward. You're a Child of the Night. When your family is busy pairing up, don't you ever feel that midnight desire?" She snaked a hand over my shoulder to rub my chest. "I can take you from innocence to experience in about ten minutes. Well, considering how many years you've done without, let's make that thirty seconds."
I grabbed her hand and spun around to face her. "Thanks but no thanks." I walked from the room and headed downstairs towards the garage, but not before I heard the family gather in my room.
"Didn't go well, huh?" asked Esme.
"You should do a cockectomy, Carlisle. Ain't no way he's ever going to use it," Tanya spit out.
"Do you think he's gay?" Emmett asked. There was silence, then Emmett spoke up defensively. "Hey, I mean, he never watches sports, he's into clothes, and he's incredibly emo. I've even offered my whole Hustler connection and he hasn't even peeked at it."
"Yeah, and that's some collection," Jasper agreed.
I climbed into my Volvo and sped out onto the highway. Why couldn't they understand? If I wanted to get laid, I would. Blood was just so much better and although clean up was a bitch, at least you didn't have to make conversation.
I was in Seattle in a few hours. I found an unlucky yuppie in the dark parking lot. Why does everyone there taste like lattes? Better than the Inuits they had up in Alaska. Whale blubber leaves a nasty aftertaste.
I was home by morning. Carlisle eyed me suspiciously. "We're having a family meeting tonight," he said. "You be there."
Great. I couldn't guess what it would be about. Like as if I couldn't tell I was making everybody in the house either a) pissed at me, b) jealous of me c) eager to go hunting with me. I left the house to wander the forests around the house, so I wouldn't have to listen to their self-righteous shit. Geez, a couple of students and tourists were gone and everybody was having a cow.
Finally coming back to the house, I was surprised to see a line of cars parked in the driveway. I recognized Kate's Jaguar and Carmen's minivan among others. This was more than a family meeting, this was a gathering. I came into the living room and saw it had been completely changed around. It had been changed into a meeting room, with a podium up front, and lines of folding chairs facing it. In the entry to the room there was a table set up with brochures. I picked one up.
Bloodsuckers Anonymous® is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from vampirism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking human blood. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other vampires to achieve sobriety.
Other brochures were titled One Day, One Human at a Time, and 12 Steps To Consider When Temptation or a La Tua Cantante Calls.
I felt Jasper come up behind me, as I read the brochure. I turned around to face him. "You have got to be fucking kidding me."
Jasper shook his head. "Carlisle is damn serious."
Emmett came walking by with a tray full of cups. I could smell the animal blood in them. "What the hell is that?"
Emmett grimaced. "Snacks. Alice says no twelve step-meeting is complete without snacks."
"Have you all gone insane?"
Emmett set the tray done, and he and Jasper each pulled one of my arms and the three of us started for the front row. I struggled against their iron grips. "Let go!"
"No can do, bro," said Emmett.
"Carlisle recruited us to make sure you get a front row seat." Jasper frowned grimly. They roughly pushed me into a front row seat and sat snugly on either side of me.
I heard Rosalie's voice in the background. "Come on, everybody, we're starting! Where's Emmett?"
Esme answered, waving his hand, "Over here, guarding Edward."
I could hear voices as the room started to fill up. I sat with my head in my hands. This was beyond humiliating. I heard the voices of my family as they filed into the seats behind us. I also recognized the Denali clan and there were a couple others whose voices I knew. I cringed as Carlisle came up to the podium.
"Hello, everybody," Carlisle said, addressing the room. "My name is Carlisle and I am a bloodsucker."
"Hello, Carlisle," everybody in the room answered.
"I haven't sucked any blood for seventy-three years." This was followed by polite applause. "I'll start with some announcements. We'll be meeting weekly here, on Wednesdays at seven. The literature on the back table is free, be sure to take some. However, we run by donations, so please don't forget to feed the hat."
He rustled some papers at his podium. "Well, who would like to go first tonight?"
I kept my head down, but I knew it was going to happen. "Edward," Carlisle insisted, "why don't you start us off?"
Emmett and Jaspoer propelled me to my feet. I looked back at them and hissed, "Traitors."
Emmett smiled smugly, while Jasper shrugged his shoulders.
I walked up to the podium, where Carlisle smiled proudly at me and clapped my shoulder. Grabbing the sides of the podium for support, I looked out at the sea of faces, all of them with golden eyes.
Feeling nauseous, I started. "Hello, my name is Edward and I am a bloodsucker."
"Hello, Edward," they all chanted.
I checked my watch. "Uh, it's been twelve hours since I last sucked some blood."
From the back, I heard Esme clap excitedly, but she was the only one.
"Um, I know I want to stop, I just don't know how."
"You've come to the right place," Eleazar shouted from the audience.
"Listen, I know it's wrong to want to feel that thrill of following a victim down a city street." I sighed and looked at the crowd through the hair that had fallen in front of my eyes. "You know what I'm talking about. On a dark, desolate street, their footsteps echoing against the buildings. Maybe they look back to see a shadowy figure behind them, and then their footsteps start again faster as you silently follow them, feeding on their fear. Maybe they pull their coat around them tighter while you hear their heart speed up, calling you like a bass drum beat." Emmett was staring at me, his mouth open. Kate was sitting on the edge of her chair. Eleazar had his finger in the collar of his shirt as if it had suddenly gotten warm.
"Sure, it would be a bad thing, to grab their shoulder and spin them around, to see their eyes widen with fear. To see their confusion as they feel the strength of your arms as you wrestle them into position. To feel their ineffectual struggle as they pound uselessly at your chest and arms as you bring them to your lips. To pause at their neck to hear the throbbing of their heart and hear the blood racing through their veins."
I paused and the room was silent as only a room of vampires could be. I spoke the next words in a whisper. "To gently lick at their pulse point, the sweet nectar just under your teeth."
I heard Jasper whimper. Emmett was swallowing hard. Even Rosalie had her eyes wide and was breathing heavily. The spell was broken by a knocking on the front door. Esme rose and opened the door.
Two young, effeminate men were there. "Is this where the meeting is being held?"
Esme looked around in confusion. "Why yes, I guess it is. Come in."
The two of them hesitantly entered the room and looked at the group of us, every eye trained on them. Even from the front of the room I could smell them. They were human and they smelled delicious.
The tall blond one shifted his purse from one shoulder to the other uneasily. "This is Cocksuckers Anonymous, right?"
That's when somebody killed the lights. In the sudden blackness, there was the sound of chairs being pushed and thrown, and the rumbling of deep growls. The lights returned and I could see each of the young men held in the grips of ravenous vampires, each holding an arm or a leg, being stretched between them like a rag doll amoung three-year-olds. The lights froze the vampires in their places, as they exchanged glances that varied between shamefaced, possessive and unyielding.
"Meeting adjorned!" Carlisle shouted as all hell broke loose.
A/N-How many popular fanfic names did you catch?
If you would like to check out the other co-winner in Pastiche Pen's Humor contest, see Devy-Artemis's entry at www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5274105/1/Multiplicity
If you would like the answer key to the names of fics, check my lj here: http:/duskwatcher(dot)livejournal(dot)com/17531(dot)html