I don't own our beloved Zero and Yuuki. Matsuri Hino DOES. If I did, I'd have them together RIGHT NOW, dammit! PLEASE let them end up together, or Cosmic may in fact DIE. Seriously. _

Okee, now, I'm watching Shark Week this week on the Discovery Channel, which has inspired me to write a sort of crack fic, which is totally OOC and has nothing to do with anything. Just for fun, in other words. And fluff. And a certain cheeze factor, too. Hope you find some humor herein.

Rated 'T' for minor foul language and teenage mischief. I also don't own anything I mention in this fic, like Jaws and such.

And I love the Chairman. He rocks, he really does. I took advantage of Kaname in this, too…but I still hate him. Hence…


The diminutive russet haired girl strolled down the hallway, still in her black uniform skirt and white shirt as she looked for signs of life around the Chairman's quarters. She hadn't seen a trace of either the Chairman or Zero since she'd arrived, making her rather suspicious as to their whereabouts. Suddenly, as she neared the living room, she heard the sounds of the T.V., figuring at least one of them would be there vegging out.

As she'd suspected, Yuuki found not only her adopted father but also her silver haired partner, sitting enthralled in front of the television. She entered cautiously, wondering if their brains had been sucked out by the demon picture box.

"What are you watching?" she asked, surprised as the Chairman let out a shriek and nearly fell off his chair. Being the eternal drama queen he was, she watched as he clutched at his heart, his glasses perched precariously on the end of his nose.

"Yuuki, don't do that when I'm watching Shark Week!" he insisted, causing her to giggle at his near conniption. Zero looked over at him, rolling his eyes before returning to lounging on the couch, his eyes on the T.V.

"Shark Week? What's that?" she asked, making her way around to the couch and plopping down on the end opposite Zero.

"Oh, my dear daughter. It's only the most terrifying television event of the entire year," he told her, making her wonder what could possibly be so horrifying about it. She looked over at Zero, who was now gazing over at her, his apathetic expression the same as usual.

"The Chairman's a bit of a pansy," he informed her, causing the victim of his mockery to protest immediately.

"Not so, Kiryu. I'm merely a bit squeamish when it comes to…eeep!" he squeaked, covering his eyes with his hand and peeping through his fingers at the T.V. Wondering what the hell the medical term used to describe her adopted father's affliction was called, Yuuki turned to face the T.V., her eyes growing wide as she took in the sight of a great white shark , bloody gums and teeth protruding from its maw as it attacked a dead bait seal. The gruesome sight sent her flying onto an astonished Zero, the girl landing in his lap with a shriek before burying her face in his chest.

"Holy hell!" she muttered, feeling Zero's body beginning to shake as his laughter rang out through the living room. Of course he was never going to let her live this down.

"Yuuki…language," the Chairman chided in a sing-song voice, causing her to sigh mightily.

"Yeah, yeah," she said, the sight of the demonic predatory fish still flashing through her mind. Predatory fish. What the hell? It was a fish. Why exactly had the creator seen to it that it was equipped with rows of razor sharp teeth and senses acute enough to detect a drop of blood in a bazillion gallons of water? Ugh. She was sure at that moment that she'd never go swimming again.

"Now you see why I'm a touch on edge," the Chairman said, cringing again as another shot of a bloody mouthed shark appeared on the screen, just as Yuuki had turned around. She shrieked again, Zero continuing to crack up over her distress.

"You two are a pair," he noted, wondering exactly how long Yuuki was planning on perching upon him.

"Look, just because you aren't affected by anything on the planet doesn't mean we're the same way. That thing is scary," she barked, only then realizing her precarious position.

"Oh. Oops," she mumbled, sliding off her companion's lap onto the middle cushion, still a bit freaked out by the images she'd bared witness to. Finally, it was time for a commercial, the Chairman leaping to his feet with a flourish.

"I'm making popcorn," he declared, marching towards the door on his mission.

"Do you two want something to drink?" he asked, awaiting their answers.

"Kool aid! Do we have cherry?" Yuuki asked, Zero slapping his forehead soundly.

"Certainly. Kiryu?" he asked again, Zero's head falling back to the couch as he looked over his shoulder at the older man.

"A Captain and Coke would be great," he returned, a smile crossing the Chairman's face.

"Oh, my cute children," he sang merrily, before skipping out of the room, leaving the two staring agape after him.

"He really should be on meds," Yuuki noted, drawing her legs up beneath her as the commercial break ended.

"No joke," Zero agreed, wondering if he'd be able to get away with slipping some into his coffee in the mornings.

"So you're really not bothered by those things?" Yuuki wondered, the vampire shaking his head.

"Not in the least bit. They're just animals," he told her, "and I can sort of relate to them. We're both enticed by the smell of blood, after all." She considered his words a moment, wondering if she'd be safer with the shark than the vampire next to her.

"Maybe you're a shark," she griped, eyeing him warily as he leaned towards her, a wicked look upon his face.

"You're saying I should eat you, then?" he asked, planting his hands on either side of her, trapping her between his chest and the couch cushion. Her eyes grew wide as his head lowered, his tongue darting out to lick her neck. Though she was willing to give him her blood, she wasn't going to allow the Chairman to walk in on him taking it.

"I'm not a seal, jackass shark," she retorted, putting her palm to his face and pushing him back.

"You're in a mood," he pointed out, settling back in against the couch, arms crossed in front of him.

"Well, you're always in a mood, so for once I'm paying you back," she returned. Despite her bitchiness, Zero noticed as she again moved in closer, until their legs touched.

"Why are you even watching this if it bothers you so much?" he asked, covering her eyes before she again bared witness to the grizzly images being displayed.

"It's interesting to learn about them, but they always show that one shot over and over again," she complained, prying his hand away from her eyes. He dropped his hand, and it brushed against her bare thigh before coming to rest in his lap, causing flame to erupt in the pit of her stomach. Attempting to ignore it, she continued to watch, the program void of gruesome images for the time being. As she watched, she learned that white sharks could grow to be 20 feet long, and she again confirmed that she would never ever go into the ocean. Ever.

Just then, the Chairman danced into the room, carrying a tray with beverages and a bowl of popcorn in his hands.

"Hey, Kool Aid!" he cried gleefully, sitting two glasses of red liquid in front of them. Zero rolled his eyes, wondering how the hell he'd ended up in the care of this insane man.

"And here's your popcorn. With that, I'm going to bed. I don't think my poor heart can handle anymore Shark Week tonight," he declared, patting them both on the head, a growl rumbling in Zero's throat. One of these days, he was going to draw back a nub when he took it upon himself to pat him on the head.

"Goodnight, my children. Yuuki, don't forget, it's ok to sleep with the light on," he told her, four eyes staring at him.

"You're going to, aren't you?" Zero wondered, the Chairman scratching the back of his head nervously.

"I er…well, yes. Don't judge, Zero," he scolded. "It's not very nice."

"If all else fails, you can sleep in Yuuki's room," Zero suggested, griping loudly as she punched him in the arm.

"Oooo, like a slumber party? Can we do each other's hair?" the Chairman beamed, stars in his eyes.

"No, dad. Just…just no," she said, hearing his loud groan of disappointment.

"Pity. Okeedoo! I'm off!" he announced, dashing out of the room and leaving his "children" shaking their heads in unison.

"My god. Should we get him help?" Yuuki asked, still staring after him.

"I'm sure he's beyond it," Zero answered, watching Yuuki attack the popcorn bowl before focusing on the television once again.

Yuuki made it through the segment about blue sharks, which she almost found to be cute, save for when they opened their mouths. Still, they were tolerable. Zero noticed that she'd down her saccharine beverage before looking at him with those damned puppy dog eyes.

"Be my guest," he told her, watching as she greedily sucked down another glass of it. He wondered if, between the sharks and gross amounts of sugar, if she'd ever sleep again.

Another hour passed, Zero having become quite intrigued by the current segment on shark attack victims. After seeing some very graphic still photos of shark bites, Yuuki turned to face the back of the couch, her head coming to rest on his shoulder.

"What the hell are you doing now?" he wondered, though secretly delighted by her actions.

"I can listen, but I can't watch. What time is it, anyway?" she asked, sounding a bit too chipper for it to be normal.

"Almost midnight," he told her, watching her sit up, getting to her feet before stretching her arms over her head.

"I'm gonna' go take a bath. You wanna' play afterward?" she asked, nearly causing him to choke on his own saliva. The possibilities that ran through his head would make even the most depraved individual blush, his deviant mind in overdrive.

"Play? You should've said so earlier," he told her, a smile spreading across her face.

"Awesome! I didn't know you liked Monopoly so much," she said, his groan following soon afterward.

"Yeah, Monopoly. Great," he grumbled, wondering if the Chairman's office was open so he could go on a liquor raid beforehand. At this rate, he'd be needing it.

"Ok, I'll meet you in your room in half an hour, ok?" she asked, her enthusiasm almost too much for him to handle.

"Sure thing," he muttered, watching as she took her leave, a sinister idea forming in his mind. He waited several minutes before turning off the T.V. and making his way out the door and down the hallway.


Yuuki sat soaking in the bathtub when the door opened a crack, the lights going off soon afterward.

"Dun na," came a deep voice, her jaw dropping as the theme to Jaws continued. Suddenly, flashes of the ghastly images she'd seen earlier entered her mind, causing her to lose her composure and fly out of the bathtub. The disturbed girl quickly wrapped herself in the nearest towel before throwing the door open.

"Landshark!" Zero shouted, nearly causing her to fall backwards onto her backside. His laughter flooded her ears, her cheeks burning as he continued to his mockery.

"You asshat! Don't scare me like that," she griped, punching him hard in the stomach, causing an "oof" to escape him.

"Will you kindly stop abusing me? And hurry up. I'm not waiting on you all night," he informed her, turning and disappearing down the hallway.


As Yuuki made her way down the sidewalk towards the boy's dorm, she ran into none other than Kaname Kuran, her jaw nearly dropping as she took in his getup. The Pureblood was clad in a pair of fluorescent yellow and blue swim trunks and flippers, a pair of pink arm floaties and had a swim mask propped up on his head. *Blink*

"Yuuki!" he greeted, as she stood there wondering why he looked like he was on his way to a kiddie pool.

"Kaname-senpai…why are you dressed like that?" she ventured, a smile spreading across his face.

"Shark Week! It helps me get in the mood," he explained. So, he'd caught the fever too, eh? She wondered if the crazies were spreading like the plague around campus.

"Where are you headed this time of night?" he wondered. She tried her best to suppress her laughter, biting her bottom lip to keep it from erupting.

"To Zero's room. We're going to play…"

"Play? Sounds like you need some supervision. I'll come along," he declared, linking his arm with hers and proceeding to flop his way in his flippers towards the boy's dorm, tugging Yuuki along beside him.


Zero's eye twitched as he took in the sight of his arch enemy, standing there looking like the biggest douchebag in history. All he was missing was sunscreen on his nose.

"Is it a full moon?" Zero asked, positive that the Chairman had passed on his stupidity to the Pureblood.

"Shark Week," Yuuki said simply, Zero too fighting back his laughter. No way in hell was he going to allow Kuran to bear witness to it. He wondered where he'd put his Polaroid, knowing that this was definitely something Yuuki would want to immortalize in her scrapbook.

"So, you two were going to play?" he asked, staring accusingly at Zero.

"Yeah, Monopoly," Zero said flatly, sighing as Yuuki jumped up and down clapping.

"Ooo, I love Monopoly! I'm the shoe!" Kaname declared, the loud flopping of his flippers sounding as he walked past Zero.

"I'm in hell," Zero decided, turning to his fate.


"Yes, Boardwalk! It's mine!" Yuuki shouted, the three sitting cross legged in the floor. Zero sifted through the deeds until he found the Boardwalk, handing it to her as she beamed. No matter what, you had to let Yuuki get the Boardwalk, or else she would pout for the rest of the game.

Not that it mattered that she had it. Zero, being skilled in Monopoly as he was in everything else but being civil, had bought up all the mid-priced properties and had hotels on each. Now, he was simply waiting on the slaughter to begin.

Kaname, who loved the game but didn't seem to get the concept had ended up with the properties no one else wanted and had run out of money after landing on those owned by the other two. So, he sat sulking, his chin on his hand as Zero continued to own him. Only after he'd forced Kaname to auction off everything he had and made him go bankrupt was Zero satisfied.

"You cheat," Kaname muttered, Zero's eyes glowing with hellfire.

"No, you just suck at this," he retorted, "and you look like a moron."

"I most certainly do not suck. How vulgar," Kaname grumbled, prompting Yuuki to call the game before the two could continue their squabbling. Zero walked to the door, gesturing for Kaname to make his exit.

"You're so rude, Kiryu. Well, come along, Yuuki," he said, confused when she didn't budge. She shifted in the floor, laughing nervously.

"Well, you see, Senpai…I was going to stick around here for a bit. But you can go," she told him, flashing a smile. He frowned, dissatisfied with the thought.

"But…you don't want to watch Shark Week with me?" he asked, sounding hurt.

"I've had enough of it, I think," she lied, wishing he'd get the hint.

"So, have a good one, Kuran," Zero said, giving him a push and shutting the door, bolting it behind him.

"Goodnight, Yuuki!" Kaname called, before they heard the flopping of his flippers moving down the hallway.

"Dear god," Zero muttered, crashing face first onto his bed. Yuuki finished cleaning up the board before sitting next to him, one eye glancing up at her as half his face remained buried.

"Oh, come on. Don't be so dramatic," she said. He was taken totally off guard as she smacked him in the back of the head with one of his pillows, causing him to cough once. He turned towards her and she immediately realized that she was indeed in trouble.

She let out a small yelp before fleeing from his bed, Zero pursuing with a pillow in hand. Only after they'd pummeled each other senseless did Yuuki call a ceasefire, out of breath and a bit dazed.

"Truce! I give!" she said, dragging herself to her feet before slinking over to his bed. She flopped down, reaching over to snatch the remote of his night table before clicking the T.V. on.

"Now what?" he wondered, stretching out to lie on his stomach beside her. She followed suit, soon laying beside him as she channel surfed until she'd landed on the Discovery Channel.

"Not more? Why didn't you just go with Kuran, then?" he asked. She nudged him with her shoulder, a thoughtful smile upon her lips.

"I wanted to watch with you," she informed him, huddling close against him as she began to watch in the dark room. It was as she witnessed a great white chomping on a seal that she buried her face in his shoulder, the vampire turning over and gazing at her.

"Stop torturing yourself. You're going to have nightmares," he told her, his hand unconsciously reaching out to clear her hair from her face. She froze as he hand cupped her cheek, her body leaning into him.

"Well, since it's Saturday, I was hoping I could just stay here," she said, causing him to blanch. Surely she couldn't want to torture him this much.

"You think that's a good idea? I thought I was a shark. You don't want me to eat you up, do you?" he asked, making her thankful that the room was too dark for him to see her cheeks flush.

"I wouldn't mind," she said softly, causing his heart to skip a beat or two.

'Why, god?' he wondered to himself, certain parts of his anatomy beginning to give him hell as he lie next to her, his thumb stroking along her cheek.

The longer he lay there looking at her, the more his own instincts took over, his face moving closer and closer to hers until their lips touched, Yuuki's eyes slitting shut as she allowed herself to become lost to his kiss.

More grisly scenes played across the screen, though she was completely oblivious to them as she felt his body moving over her, his knees planting on either side of her, his arm wrapping itself around her as he continued his assault on her lips. Her hands moved to anchor in his hair, drawing him closer, his lips almost punishing. It was as his hands touched her chest that her eyes flew open, an ungodly desire taking her over completely. Zero nearly squealed like a girl as she managed to push him onto his back before rolling atop him, her hands taking hold of his shirt. In one swift motion she'd ripped it open, revealing the sculpted chest beneath.

Zero could do naught but stare up at her as she gazed at him, her eyes like those of some predator, dark with a desire unlike any he'd ever witnessed.

"Yuuki? What are you…?"

"Shut up, Zero," she commanded, shocking him to his very core. His eyes grew wide as her lips descended, trailing along his bared chest, his head tilting back as she continued to torture him. He was broken from his lust induced reverie by the sound of her hands unbuckling his belt, his hands moving to stop her.

"What are you doing?" he demanded, nearly breathless from their heated encounter. Her eyes were absolutely wild, her body have been completely taken over by her own desires.

"What I want to," she replied, a frown touching her lips as he slid himself out from under her, her hands gripping the front of his shirt as she crawled towards him on her knees.

"Look, I'm the one that should be…" he began, only to be silenced as she flung herself onto him her lips crushing against his and taking his very breath away. He attempted to steady himself, but it was too late. Her forceful attack sent him crashing like the Hindenburg to the floor. His breath was knocked out of him when he hit, and he could swear that he saw stars and little birdies swimming before him as he lay there, stunned. The impact seemed to shock Yuuki out of her trance, her hands framing his face as she looked down upon him.

"Oh, god! Are you ok?" she asked, frowning as his eyes seemed to cross.

"Mommy?" he muttered, his head soon thunking back to the floor. Great. Now she'd given him a concussion as she was attempting to seduce him.

"Did you break your head?" she wondered, getting to her feet before grabbing hold of him, managing to haul him onto his bed with much effort.

"Uuhhhh," he groaned, dazed and confused as he looked up at her. A wicked thought entered her mind then, causing a small smile to grace her lips. If he was out of it and unable to protest, she could always take advantage of the situation…Still, she couldn't force herself upon him. What would be the fun in that?

"Are you ok?" she asked again, holding up three fingers.

"How many?" she asked, shoving a pillow under his head as he lay there groaning. He didn't answer, his eyes looking up at her as she fanned his face.

"Damn it," she cursed, "I didn't mean to break you. I was only…"

"You were trying to take advantage of me," he accused, her face looming over his. He seemed greatly disturbed by her actions, still eyeing her as if she'd spring upon him at any moment.

"As if you didn't like it," she retorted, clearing his silver hair from his face tenderly.

"What was that?" he asked, inquiring as to why she'd attacked him so suddenly. She sighed.

"I blame hormones. And hey, you started it," she pointed out, watching as he sat up, suddenly cured of his daze, his lavender eyes seeming to glow in the dim light coming from the T.V.

"I'm the one that should finish it, too," he told her, a small shriek leaving her as he pounced, her arms lacing around his neck as he took her down to the mattress.

Unfortunately, he miscalculated his position, his forehead slamming into his headboard with a loud "thunk". Again, birdies appeared, the silver haired vampire rolling over before becoming still. Yuuki's mouth hung open, the girl unable to believe her luck.

"Someone's going to need Ibuprofen in the morning," she muttered, sighing mightily as he noticed he'd knocked himself out.

"Dammit. I'm never gonna' get any action," she griped, propping his head up on a pillow and wondering what the chances were that had a concussion.

Yuuki slid off his bed, padding over to his dresser before digging around, her hands pulling out a miniscule pair of red boy buttfloss, her eye twitching before she shoved it back into the drawer, making a mental note to never think or speak of her discovery, or to question if Zero was perhaps a stripper by night.

Continuing her search, she pulled out an old black shirt with his name across the chest. Puzzled as to why he owned such a thing, she questioned it aloud.

"You have clothes with your name on them?" she asked, surprised as a groggy voice answered her.

"It's a Smashing Pumpkins shirt, idiot," he griped. "And what are you doing with it? It's my favorite," he pouted, lavender eyes growing wide as she went about unbuttoning her shirt, her back to him.

"You're really adept at this torture thing," he mumbled, his head feeling as though it were going to split open at any moment.

"Why, whatever do you mean, Zero?" she asked, unzipping and shimmying out of her skirt, allowing it fall to the floor, leaving her standing there in her pink Hello Kitty bra and boy shorts. His eyes nearly bugged out as she unclasped it, tossing it over her head. It landed in his lap, and he raised it to eye level with a finger. He watched with disappointment as she slid his shirt over her head before turning back to him, mischief lingering in her eyes. Zero wondered exactly when her sugar high would wear off and if he'd live through the night after being subjected to such teasing.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to be unconscious?" she wondered, crawling back onto his bed, Shark Week still going in the background.

"Nah, I just…hey, wait a minute. Did you look in my drawer?" he demanded almost shrilly, causing an evil grin to erupt across her face.

"Why don't you model those for me?" she asked, giving him a wink before he pinned her wrists to the mattress, her smile never fading.

"Watch what you wish for," he warned, his lips capturing hers once more.


Kaname sat in his study, his flippered feet hanging out of the kiddie pool he'd had Aidou bring in as he watched a bunch of idiots swimming with white sharks without shark cages. Something struck him suddenly, a feeling of dread sweeping over him. Could Yuuki and Kiryu be…?

"Nah," he assured himself aloud, taking a drink of the Kool Aid he'd swiped from the Chairman's fridge.

Shark week: bringing out the whacko in people for a long ass time…


Ha! We'll end it there. I apologize for this. I really do. _ I hope someone found some enjoyment in this way goofy bit of mess. Oh, and "Landshark!" is from an old ass Saturday Night Live skit. You should Youtube it. It's really funny.

Check out my other Zeki oneshots and fics, and my Sailor Moon fics, too, if you need to strain your eyes for a while. ;P

*Cosmic Moon Baby*