My first attempt at a crackfic...so be prepared for lameness :D

Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo!

Edit: Wow, over a hundred reviews! Love you guys!

Edit 2: After a lot of procrastinating, I finally got to it and went through the whole thing, and fixed it up. When I originally uploaded this I was new to the formatting and such, so hopefully now it's a little easier to read, and a bit less jumpy. But asides from that and some fixed spelling/grammar stuff, the fic is unchanged. So, without further ado, I give you...


"AH! HELP MEEEEEEE!" Nnoitra flew down the hall, Haribel close at his heels.

"That's the last time you steal my makeup, Nnoitra! Get back here!"

Screaming, the two Arrancars fled down the hallway, nearly running over a tall man who had just exited an annex room to the left. He had flattened himself against the wall just in time to avoid being squished, and now he peeled himself away with a little sigh.

"Ulquiorraaaaaa…"

The Arrancar looked up, dread in his eyes. He knew what was coming. "Yes, Aizen-sama?"

Aizen held up a pair of pink socks. "Why did you wash my WHITE socks with Starrk's RED t-shirt? Why?"

"I'm sorry, Aizen-sama, but I forgot."

The leader of the Arrancars put the socks down. "Next time be more careful. And can you make burritos for dinner tonight? Thanks." He skipped away. Ulquiorra grumbled and headed towards the kitchen.

When he got there, however, it was already occupied. A blue haired Espada was eating Cheez-Its at the counter. Ulquiorra froze. The blue haired guy looked up, orange crumbs around his mouth. "Oh HAI ULQUIORRA!"

"Uh, Grimmjow?"

"Yah?" Grimmjow shoved more Cheez-Its into his mouth.

"Are you eating my Cheez-Its!?"

"Um, well, sure!" Grimmjow looked down at the almost empty box. He held it out. "You want some?"

Ulquiorra shook his head speechlessly. "I have to cook dinner. Please leave."

Grimmjow left. He took the Cheez-Its with him.

Ulquiorra began making burritos. Because he always does what Aizen-sama asks. And plus, everyone likes burritos! Yes, yes they do!

Once the burritos were in the oven, the delicious smell of them drifted out of the kitchen. It was not long before Starrk wandered in. "Are you making…burritos?"

"Yes, Starrk, I am making burritos. Now get out of my kitchen."

Starrk attacked the oven. Ulquiorra attacked Starrk. Grimmjow, walking in to dispose of his empty Cheez-Its box, decided to attack Ulquiorra, for no particular reason.

"Nooo! Burritooooooosssss!" howled Starrk as he slid under the other two and lost contact with the oven door.

"GO AWAAAAAYYYY!" Shrieked Ulquiorra.

Grimmjow stood up and dusted himself up. "I'm hungry."

"If you would get your foot off my back I would be making dinner," came a muffled voice. Grimmjow looked down. "Oh, sorry Cuatro!" He graciously removed his foot from Ulquiorra back.

Ulquiorra stood and looked down at Starrk, who was weeping face down on the ground.

"Uh, Starrk?"

"What?" was the mournful reply.

"If you get out of the kitchen I can finish the burritos. And then you can eat them."

"How many did you make for each of us?"

"We can each have three. And you know Haribel will only have two so you can have hers."

"Okay then." Starrk got up and wiped his eyes. Then he left.

Ulquiorra glowered at Grimmjow. "Out."

"I'm not a fucking dog," grumbled Grimmjow, but he left.

The oven timer went off. Ulquiorra took the burritos out of the oven. There were 39 in all. It was a big oven.

Ulquiorra loaded 14 burritos neatly on a tray. He dragged it into the meeting room, where Aizen had decided they were going to eat tonight. Everyone was already assembled.

Starrk was sleeping. He woke up at the smell of the burritos, though. Ulquiorra began to hand out the burritos. Yammy basically inhaled his and took another from the tray. Nnoitra frowned at the burritos. "I don't like burritos, Ulquiorra," he complained. "You know that!"

"Too bad. Aizen-sama requested them."

"I. Love. Burritos." Starrk mumbled over a mouthful of refried beans.

"I don't want burritos. Make me some toast, Cuatro!"

Ulquiorra felt pissed off. "Make your own dinner, then, you fucking spoon!" He shrieked.

Everyone went quiet.

Did Ulquiorra just say 'fuck'? What the fuck, that's my word! Mine!

Ulquiorra must be pretty mad! Even though everyone has called Nnoitra a spoon at least twice before…

God dammit, these burritos are so good…must eat…burritos…

I wonder what's wrong with Ulquiorra? This would be interesting to investigate…I wonder if he'll let me cross section his brain?

Ulquiorra's a freak. Good god, everyone here is insane!

…I'M NOT A SPOON YOU EMO!

That's it. Ulqui's lost it! I wonder if I can steal Nnoitra's burrito from here…

Youngsters! They're all pests!

Wow, Szayel is so weird. Look at his hair! Ha! Freak!

Wow, I'm so bored…

Ulquiorra should make these burritos bigger. I'm already done with all three of mine!

Did Ulquiorra just call Nnoitra a spoon? Everyone always says that…please find a new insult. PLEASE.

Aizen studiously ignored everyone, concentrating only on his burrito.

Everyone stared at Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra sat down, and began to calmly eat his burrito.


Hope you like! I'll upload chapter two soon...