A/N: Hello all! I'm back with another fic. This is my attempt at some humor/crack!fic. This idea popped into my head after too much Jordin Sparks, Janto fan fiction and not enough sleep, lol. I usually don't do humor so this was quite an interesting thing to try out. I hope you like it!
A big thanks to my amazing beta, Sprite89, for looking this over for me. You're the best!
Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood, Jack or Ianto. If I owned any of them, you would never see me again. And CoE would have been much, much different
"So you better go and get your armor!" Jack sang along with the music being blasted from his office. It echoed throughout the entire hub. Ianto bet the Weevils were being subjected to this too.
He was almost finished with his report on their latest alien encounter, but Jack was too impatient to wait and wanted to, as he put it, "get the weekend started." Gwen had left an hour ago or else he was sure he would have a companion in his misery. He glanced up from the computer to see Jack jumping around, waving his hands in the air (dancing, or at least attempting to. He should really stick to 1940s style) and grinning. Well, as long as he was happy, Ianto couldn't complain.
Until the song started over again.
"Jack!" He bellowed over the pop star's voice. "Please turn that down!"
Jack bounded out of the hot house (he had been dancing from room to room) and leaned against the railing. "This is the first gift I have ever gotten from anyone in your family. I want to fully appreciate it."
Ianto didn't have the heart to tell his lover that he had given that CD to Rhiannon two weeks ago for her birthday. How was he to know she didn't like popular music? Instead, he just said, "I don't think she'll mind if you play it at a humane level while I finish my work. Besides," he added with a suggestive smirk, "the sooner I'm done with this, the sooner we can go home." There was no need to supply any other hints with Jack Harkness. He immediately flipped open his manipulator, pressed a few buttons and quiet blanketed the Hub. Ianto suppressed a satisfied sigh. "Thank you," he said before returning to the report.
Fifteen minutes later Ianto saved the final draft of his report, printed it and added it to the file. He was just about to power down the computers when he felt the strange sensation of standing too close to a bolt of lightning. Suddenly there was a flash of light and a near sonic boom, throwing him to the floor. Instinct kicked in and he grabbed his gun, even though he had no idea where to point it.
When his vision cleared and the ringing in his ears lessened, he looked around and saw an impossible sight. Standing in the middle of the Hub were two humanoid creatures with wild hair and beards, wearing leather armor. He would have thought they were those people who dressed up for conventions if their skin didn't have a pale blue tinge and their eyes didn't resemble that of a cat's. He trained their gun on them.
"Ianto!" Jack called in his 'give me an update' voice but Ianto could also hear the fear. There was a slight tremor to his voie but Ianto knew his gun was trained on them as well.
"I'm fine, sir. Ears are ringing a bit but nothing's broken." He chanced a glance at the captain and saw Jack's eyes roaming over him in a non-lecherous way. He was double checking for any visible injuries. Ianto wanted to catch his lover's eye but knew it wasn't smart to keep his gaze off their intruders.
"State your name, race and reason for infiltrating Torchwood," Jack commanded of the still-silent extra-terrestrials. It was usual procedure when there wasn't an immediate threat at Torchwood One and perhaps the only rule Jack followed from that place.
"I am Lieutenant Marl," the alien on the left, the smaller one with less ornaments in his hair, spoke in something akin to a Swedish accent. "And this is my superior, General Kione." The general stared stoically at Jack who simply stared back. "We are from the planet Kubat and are here to assist you in your fight."
"Ianto, are we at war and you didn't tell me?" Jack joked.
"Yes sir, and by the way I asked these aliens to pop in and help." Ianto answered dryly. The aliens still hadn't said anything and Ianto gave them a meaningful glance.
"Right, aliens in the Hub," Jack said, returning his focus. "What fight?"
The general lifted his arm and both Torchwood agents gripped their guns and steadied their aim. For a moment Ianto thought he had a wrist strap like Jack's, but taking a longer look he realized it was the alien's skin, brown and rough like the leather covering his body. He placed two fingers on the area and a blue light linked beneath the skin. It reminded him of Beth and he shuddered involuntarily.
"We received your call to war." He said before the Hub was once again filled with the music Jack had been playing minutes ago. But this time it sounded choppy and distorted, like it was being played on a weak radio signal. I didn't mean to start a war--battlefield, battle--get your armor. The garbled song ended abruptly and the lieutenant addressed Ianto.
"We have two legions of warriors awaiting my general's command. We will hep you in your battle and win for your lady."
Jack lowered his gun, visibly shocked. Ianto blinked slowly and followed suit.
"You....what?" Jack sputtered. It was rare that an alien could throw the 51st century Time Agent and when looking back on the situation, Ianto found it very amusing. "What woman?"
"The one who sent the message, who you will fight for." The general answered as though it were obvious.
"Oh!" Ianto cried in a moment of brilliance, his brain no longer frozen in shock. "Like Helen of Troy. They think we're going to war with someone over Jordin Sparks." Another idea struck and Ianto quickly accessed the electronic archives. The planet name sounded familiar, like something he passed over while sorting through the mess they called a filing system. He heard the heavy footfalls of Jack descending the stairs and stopping a few feet from Ianto. The computer pinged. "Thought so," he murmured before turning to face the aliens and Jack. Marl had his gaze on Ianto and Kione on Jack, both stares impassive.
"What is it?" Jack asked, his gun still tight in his grip and his eyes never wavering from Kione.
"Kubat is home to the Brigone, a warrior race that holds all war communications through song." Ianto announced triumphantly.
"So...you caught the sound waves of my music and thought it was a call to arms?" Jack asked the still silent warriors.
"Is it not?" Kione asked. Ianto suddenly realized Kione only addressed Jack while Marl only answered him. He mentally noted to add that to the race's file. It could prove useful.
"No!" Jack cried, almost laughing. "It's a pop song, using battle as a metaphor for love. Why would you assume it was a real call?"
"The same reason Americans assume everyone should know English. No offense, sir," Ianto added dryly at Jack's glare. "Besides, we do have a history of using songs during wartime." He turned to Marl. "I apologize lieutenant but there has been a misunderstanding. This isn't a war cry, it's a pop song." Ianto explained in his best butler voice. " A song for entertainment purposes only. We do thank you for your aid and hope we can rely on your in the future if your assistance is truly needed."
"Of course," the lieutenant answered in an equally polite voice. The aliens then pounded their fists to their chests, let out a loud wail that Ianto supposed was some sort of parting warrior cry and left the same way they came, thankfully without the sonic boom this time.
Ianto waited for the spots to stop dancing before his eyes before seeking out Jack, who was standing beside him, grinning. The same grin he always had when dealing with aliens in such strange ways. Not that there were normal ways, but that was the strangest encounter Ianto had had so far.
"I told you it was too loud," he grumbled at the still-grinning man. "And now we have even more paperwork to do!"
The grin quickly slid off Jack's face. "We can leave it until tomorrow," he instead. No one was harmed, nothing taken. Besides," his voice dropped a few octaves. "Do you know what a turn on it is to see you holding a gun like that?"
Ianto rolled his eyes and did his best not to let Jack see his effect. "You get turned on by someone breathing," he said in pseudo-weary voice.
"Only if you're the one breathing," Jack returned, pulling their bodies flush. This time Ianto let out a groan. Jack grinned.
"Fine," Ianto huffed in mock annoyance that he could have pulled off if other certain parts of his anatomy weren't claiming otherwise. "No paperwork."
Thank you again for reading! I know a lot of people like to just read then add the story as a favorite, but I would really appreciate it if you could take the time to give some feedback (on this or any of my stories!) becaue it really helps me when I go to write again. Thanks!