Chapter One: Break Ups
[AN] This is a new experiment for me. I'm known for my angst and dramatic plots, but this fic is relatively light-hearted. This is my version of Lily and James, doing everything backwards and falling in love during the process. That isn't to say that there won't be the fair share of ups and downs for the couple, though. The fic does have a purpose. It's not just some silly attempt at a comedy…
A few things to keep in mind while reading:
-Tonks is only a year behind the Marauders and Lily in this story.
-Tonks also hasn't found her calling to be an auror yet.
-Lily, the Marauders, and the rest of the primary characters are around 21.
-Besides casual run-ins with other friends, James and Lily haven't talked since leaving Hogwarts.
-And lastly, I'm going to abuse Peter in this fic as much as possible.
Sweet. That's all. Enjoy!
Pounding and crashing noises could be heard from outside their flat door. Tonks and Alice shared a curious look.
"What the hell?" Tonks asked.
Alice sighed, "It must be Lily…"
Tonks reached inside one of her large shopping bags and extracted a thick belt the two girls had bought earlier whilst shopping in Diagon Alley. Alice gave her a peculiar look as Tonks raised it above her head in a threatening manner, "Just in case it's a burglar."
Alice shook her head, wondering for a brief second why she hadn't just pulled out her wand. She reached for the door and pushed it open all the way so the two of them could have a clear view of the flat.
In response, they heard several thumping noises as if something just fell from a high shelf.
"Lily?" they asked again, stepping further into the flat and inching their way toward where the noise was coming from.
"Look, you better be tall with red hair or we are going to straight up kung fu your ass into the next century!" Tonks warned outside the door of Lily's bedroom. The noise continued and it sounded like there was also a ruffling sound inside too.
Alice and Tonks shared a look as Alice withdrew her wand from her purse. Tonks started to reach forward slowly to open the door when it swung open.
The two girls screamed, and Tonks threw herself behind Alice.
"What are you doing?" asked a very irate Lily Evans in an furious voice.
"What are you doing?" Alice and Tonks asked together.
"Were you about to attack me with a bloody belt?" Lily questioned, gesturing to the shiny belt laying limply in Tonks's hand.
"No… I was uh, about to try it on…" she covered quickly, stuffing the belt back into one of the bags.
"Lily, what the hell's going on in here?" Alice asked this time, peering into her thrashed room. There were upturned boxes and picture frames littered on the floor, along with stuffed animals, letters, and various articles of clothing.
"The bastard broke up with me!" Lily exclaimed.
Looks of utter shock came over Alice and Tonks's face. They didn't need Lily to elaborate on who this bastard was.
"Yeah, I know!"
"Wait, so he broke up with you?" Tonks asked slowly, making sure she was hearing things correctly.
"Mhmm," Lily sounded with a look of annoyance on her face.
"You don't seem too sad..." Alice said, trying to keep a straight face.
Lily scoffed, "Hell no! I'm pissed! Remember the last boy who broke up with me?"
"Wasn't that in first year- and you gave the bloke a bloody nose for it," Alice answered, nodding.
"Exactly, I don't handle people breaking up with me well," she said with a heated sigh, turning and waddling through the mess on her floor to sit on her bed.
"Well I can see why that kid did it- you were a pretty controlling little girl. Actually, you were quite a bitch really…"
"Oh, thanks for the support asshole," Lily replied to Tonks sarcastically.
Tonks shrugged innocently while Alice continued, "So what are you going to do with all his stuff?" she asked, looking around to all the things he gave her throughout their relationship. "Are you going to give him his clothes back?"
"Uh, no I was planning on burning all of it," she said simply.
"Ooh, we can make smores!" Tonks said, clapping her hands together excitedly.
Alice nudged Tonks in the ribs before, dropping her bags and going to sit next to Lily, "Lils, are you really okay?"
Lily shrugged, "I don't know. I guess I was just so hopeful for the relationship to work out, that I kind of lost sight of reason."
"How'd he do it?" Tonks asked, coming to sit on the other side of Lily.
The red head rolled her eyes, "He gave me some bullshit about us reaching different crossroads in our lives. I mean, who does that?"
"Well, he is an actor so his break up probably came out so poetic and elegant for a reason…" Alice said with a knowing look.
Tonks nodded, "Yeah, we all know how much he likes to practice in front of mirrors."
"Oh god- do you think he's been wanting this for a while?" Lily asked miserably, as if the thought that someone was unhappy with her was the most depressing thing in the world.
Alice and Tonks shared a look, "No."
"What's so wrong about me?" she continued, staring off into space.
"Nothing love, you're so beautiful and smart and…" Alice shook her head absently while trying to think of another word, "tender." Tonks gave her an unconvinced look, but she ignored it.
"Exactly- so what the hell's wrong with him?!"
"Maybe he's gay," Tonks offered.
Lily tilted her head to the side, "You think?"
Alice nodded guiltily, "We've always had our suspicions."
Lily groaned, "You're telling me I've been dating an actor acting like a straight guy but really a penis-loving bender, for the past year and a half?"
"We don't think any less of you for it," Tonks assured her, patting her back in a comforting manner.
"I have an idea," Alice started brightly, hoping to vanquish Lily's mood, "How about we order some pizza and have a nice girls night in, yeah?"
"Fuck that, I'm going out!" Lily exclaimed, hoping off her bed and heading for the bathroom to shower.
Tonks turned back to Alice with a smile, "Or we could go out and watch Lily leave all inhibitions behind and get completely wasted!"
"We should tidy up the house and make sure there's nothing valuable that she could vomit on when we get home."
Tonks got an excited look, "Do you think we can convince her to wear those red leather pants?"
"Uh… I don't know. That might be pushing the limits a bit."
"Yeah, you're right," Tonks sighed.
"Plus, she looks like a fire hydrant when she wears those."
"Yeah, but it's hilarious to look at."
Alice nodded in agreement and then said, "Do you ever notice that Lily could dress like a drag queen and would still have guy's coming up to her?"
"I know- the lucky bitch."
"I think I'll floo Frankie and tell him we're going out. He'll probably meet us at the club."
"At least we know one thing," Tonks said in a sing song voice, with a mischievous grin.
"This bed's going to see some hot hate sex tonight!"
As Lily was taking off her clothes to get in the shower, she caught a glimpse of a photo. The tall sandy haired man in the picture was grinning and blowing kisses at her.
Jason Turner. The man who she had thought would be the one who she would spend the rest of her life with. He was everything a girl really would look for in a bloke. Loving, sweet, emotional…
Pretty much the opposite of what type of man Lily usually dated. Really, when she thought about it- he was very in touch with his feminine side. Lily probably had more muscle than him and he definitely had good taste in fashion.
"Bloody hell, he probably was gay…"
Lily continued to stare despondently at the picture before she scowled and reached for it angrily.
She ripped it in half and then in fourths, even going as far to rip it into little sixteenths. Then, she lifted the toilet lid up and threw the little squares in furiously, grinning manically as she pushed the lever to make them flush down the toilet.
Vowing to herself that she wouldn't stress over Jason Turner any more, she stepped into the shower and theorized what she might wear tonight that would give off the vibe that she was free, and sex-starved.
"Hey James, watch me chug this alcohol!" said a podgy boy named Peter.
The handsome bloke with jet black hair and ocean blue eyes sitting next to him turned down the volume of the wireless and turned to look at his fellow marauder.
After Peter saw that he had James's attention, he lifted the large bottle to his lips and started gulping it down in large swallows.
James grimaced as the drink started to river out of the corners of his mouth and leak down his chin, dripping onto his shirt.
"Bloody hell Pete," James said trying to keep from laughing, "That's only the margarita mix. There's no alcohol in that."
Peter tore the bottle from his lips with a smacking noise, "What?"
James laughed, "Sorry little buddy, but there's no alcohol in that."
"Are you sure?"
"Pete, you were actually able to chug it. It should have occurred immediately to you that there was no alcohol in it."
Peter started to nod in agreement before he scrunched his face up as if realizing that he was just insulted, "Wait, what's that supposed to mean?"
"That you have zero tolerance for alcoholic beverages," James replied flatly, turning the volume of the wireless up again.
"I do too!" Peter returned childishly.
"Remember that time in Hogsmeade? We gave you one shot of firewhiskey and you were almost arrested for trying to sexually assault Rosie's cat."
Peter frowned, "That was different- I was having a bad day."
"So you took it out on Mr. Binkie?"
Peter took on a look like Bambi wounded in the forest, "I-I-"
"Prongs, I'm home," called out a voice from the front door.
"Hey mate, how'd it go? Did you seal the deal or what?" James asked, turning to see Sirius approaching with a gloomy look.
Sirius grabbed a beer from the fridge and came over with a disheartened look, "Everything was going good with Monica-"
"What'd her boobies feel like?" Peter wheezed with keen interest the second Sirius's bum touched the couch.
Sirius froze from raising his beer to his mouth and James just stared at him in pure repugnance, "Honestly Pete…"
James turned back to Sirius and motioned for him to continue.
"Did they taste like skittles?" he asked, practically foaming at the mouth.
"Wormtail, shut the fuck up."
"Really, stop working yourself up pal," James said more gently, giving him a pitying look. He couldn't really be blamed though- the last girl that showed some interest in him was around eight months ago.
James's attention reverted back to Sirius when he let out a sigh, "She had one of those toes…"
James rolled his eyes and moaned sarcastically, "Oh no! You're telling Monica has also been affected by the big toe curse?"
"Don't mock me dude," Sirius said defensively, taking a deep swig of his lager.
"Have you been picking up chicks from the deformity hospital again?" James continued to tease. Sometimes, the standards Sirius required for girls were a little ridiculous. His obsession with slightly larger second toes was only one example.
"Those girls need loving too!" Peter shouted.
Both James and Sirius turned to stare at Peter rigidly with questioning looks reflecting off their faces. Peter took a few breaths before turning his wide, vulnerable eyes away from his two dark haired friends.
James let out an uneasy laugh, trying to clear the tension, "Easy compadre. No need to defend the only type of girls who will ever give you a chance."
"It's not about that… they have some very good qualities about them too. Usually… Sometimes…"
"Anyway," James started, not wanting Peter to elaborate on his escapades with certain handicapped females, "So she had on of those toes?"
"Yes, she had the toe, and it was large and in charge."
"Mate, your pathetic! Monica was gorgeous," laughed James.
"Prongs, you know my phobia with big middle toes."
"And I think it's completely ridiculous," he continued to chortle when there was a faint popping outside of their flat door. A second later, Remus Lupin was shuffling through the door.
"What's up mates?" he asked, heading for the kitchen.
"Padfoot turned down another girl because of her abnormally large middle toe," James said with a grin.
"Monica? Sirius, what's wrong with you? Can't you just block the image out?"
"I can't help it…" Sirius sighed, rubbing a hand over his eyes, "Damn, she had such a nice body too…"
James nodded unsympathetically, "You should feel bad about letting that one go. I mean, toes place very low on the significant body parts list. Of all things to let her go over…"
"How far did you get with her? Second or third base?" Peter practically squeaked.
Again, Sirius, James, and now Remus turned to look at Peter crunched down on the couch with a mix between questioning, and partially disgusted looks.
Remus cleared his throat, "Pete, when's the last time you hooked up with a girl?"
"New Year's…" he mumbled, looking down to his lap.
Since it was November, incredulous looks came over Remus and James's face.
Sirius, however, laughed, "Wormtail, that chick kissed you on accident!"
Peter mumbled something else and his cheeks blushed red.
"Okay," Remus said lowly, "When's the last time you wanked?"
"Fifteen minutes ago."
While James and Sirius started laughing hysterically, Remus shook his head in astonishment.
"You know what- I can't take this anymore," Remus muttered, "Tonight, we're going out and we're going to get Wormtail some girls."
"I like that. Plus, I need to mourn my loss of Monica," Sirius agreed, finishing off his beer.
James grinned, "By tapping some other girl's ass?"
"Yep!" Sirius exclaimed, taking off for the bathroom to shower.
James could only laugh after his childhood friend. Sometimes, his antics were overbearing, but who was James kidding? He like being a part of that lifestyle too. Just not as wholeheartedly as his best mate did. Though, thinking rationally, one more night of reckless sex wasn't going to hurt him. He was young- only 21. It's not like he needed to start settling down anytime soon...
First chapter down! Next time, the Marauders just happen to fall upon the club that Alice, Tonks, and Lily are letting loose in. Sparks could fly, or shit could hit the fan.
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