A/N: I can't even... I can't even fathom how we come up with this shit.
Jay loved being alone.
Not to say he didn't love being surrounded by his friends, or with Kaitlyn, but there were just some days where he wanted to kick back and do nothing but eat salad with Three Cheese Balsamic dressing and play with his cats.
But all the cats were missing today, and he forgot to pick up a new bottle of Newman's Own.
So there he was, hours later, covered in popcorn, watching Nickelodeon in the dark.
Without looking away, Jay picked up Kait's bowl, which was stuck in the cupholder of the recliner she used in his movie room. He thumped around for the lighter, found it, struck the flint.
He inhaled harshly and put the glass back where he found it, lighter sliding in next to it. He held in the smoke for as long as he could, eyes watering, heart starting to pump.
He let out a long stream, a smile touching his lips.
This was the good life.
He dug his hand into the popcorn next to him.
There was a television show on he'd never seen before, something with a bunch of gingers and blondes riding around in an RV. They were in Australia, and the youngest ginger was talking to a dingo.
And there was a monkey.
A talking monkey.
Jay smashed more popcorn into his mouth. "What is this show?" he mumbled, around the popped kernels between his lips.
The father was going around in this awesome outfit, safari hat and all, a net in his hand. It looked like he was fishing or... catching butterflies, or something beautiful like that.
"Where are my cats?" Jay whined. He ate some more popcorn. "I guess four cats just aren't enough."
And that's when Jay saw it.
The father swung the net, and captured a baby lion.
The popcorn bowl fell.
"Okay, we have the blond." Jay pointed at Adam. "We have the crazy brother who doesn't speak English." He nodded at Cody. "We have the mother." He looked at Chris. "And then we have the talking monkey."
Ted stomped his foot. "Damn it, I knew I was gonna be the monkey!"
"Hey, you fit the requirements."
"And besides, you're kinda shaped like one."
"A very fit monkey."
Teddy growled and crossed his arms. "What are we even doing?"
"Don't even ask," Cody sighed. "This is normal for them."
"Yeah, you just haven't been exposed to it as much as Cody has." Jay nodded, looking at his clipboard. "I think we've got everything. Now andalé!"
Everyone turned and headed for the freeway, where Jay usually found most of his cats. It was a long haul, and passing cars honked their horns, pointing out the window, screaming things.
"This is embarrassing," Ted grumbled.
"Shhh!" Jay held up his hand, everyone stopping. He cocked his ear. "I think I hear something in the bushes."
Everyone turned as Jay crouched down and pushed his faux Leopard safari hat back, holding his net out. He parted the leaves slowly.
"Aha!" he yelled, swiping at whatever was in there.
He stood, net sagging, a bundle of white baby kitten blinking up at them.
"Aw," Cody cooed.
"Hey!" Jay held the cat away. "No one baby-talks to them except me. No one."
"But it's so cute!"
Cody crossed his arms. "Fine. It's cute."
"You're not even supposed to speak English, Codeman." Jay held the next out to Adam. "Put it in the carrier, will you?"
Adam opened the cat carrier he had, gently placing the ball of fur in there. "Jay, are you sure this cat doesn't belong to anyone?"
"It was in the bushes," he hissed. "If it does belong to anyone, they don't deserve it because they don't take care of it!"
Adam nodded and closed the gate.
Jay waved his hand. "Let's go."
And so they began their journey again, crouching low, catching cats underneath trees, hiding behind mailboxes.
Jay hopped back over the fence, practically smothering the cat he was holding against his chest as it struggled. "What?"
"You just jumped someone's fence!"
"So? They left the cat outside." He dumped it in the carrier. "How many is that?"
Jay smiled. "It's been a good day for hunting kitty cats."
"Can we leave now?"
Jay nodded, turning toward the street. He frowned, turning the other way. "Maybe it's..." He put his hands on his hips. "Hm. I think we're lost."
"What?" Ted threw his arms up. "Great! What a perfect day!"
"Hey! You're the intelligent monkey! You find our way back!"
"Fine. I will." Ted turned angrily and looked across the street, narrowing his eyes. He stuck his finger in his mouth then held it in the air. Touched the grass, watched which way the dirt fell from his hand.
He turned back to them. "I have no idea where we are."
"Oh, great! This is just perfect. I'm never going to see Becky again!"
"And I won't see Mack again!"
"And I won't see my bong again!"
Jay's eyes traveled to the fenced in backyard just a few feet down. There was a cat, a white cat with a hint of brown, staring back at him.
It was the last cat he needed.
Jay turned slowly, creeping up to the fence. Everyone kept chattering even as he hopped over it, crouching low to the ground. He slid over to the animal, and the cat came toward him, meowing loudly.
This was too perfect!
He picked up the cat, and it struggled, clawing at his shirt.
"Ow! Damn it!" He pressed it harder, hoping it would stop moving so he could put it in his carrier.
Jay turned toward the screen door next to him, looking up at Kaitlyn.
She frowned. "What are you doing to Felix?"
Jay looked down at the cat in his hands, just as it clawed its way out, hopping away from him. He dropped his arms.
Kait knelt down. "Where have you been? I saw your movie room and thought someone tried to break in."
"Am I... in the backyard right now?"
Kait smiled slightly. "Yeah. Where else would you be?"
Jay sighed and stood up, motioning to his friends a few yards away. "Hey! Guys!"
They turned to stare at him.
"I found our way home. Now bring those cats inside, I need to feed them."
Kait watched him as he walked past her, toward the kitchen. She followed him. "Are you wearing a safari hat?"
"It's not real leopard." He threw it on the table. "I'd never hurt a cat."
"I know." She pursed her lips. "What have you been doing?"
"Just... went on a hunt."
"Jay, did you steal more cats again?"
"They were homeless cats!"
Kait looked at Adam when he lugged in the giant carrier. She shook her head. "You took Chris's cat again."
Chris frowned then looked down. "Oh! So he did."
Jay opened the refrigerator door. "That was your house?"
"I guess so."
"You guys are a bunch of morons!" Ted yelled.
"You're the one who hangs out with us." Jay scanned the contents, eyes widening. "Kait! Did you buy more Three Cheese Balsamic?"
"Yeah. I saw you were out."
"What a wonderful girlfriend!" Jay pulled out the bottle. "Anyone up for salad?"
A/N: What the fuck is wrong with me? Review.