A/N: This just came to me for some strange reason, probably because we've all been there, used it, and read that. Fess up.
Anyone catch the movie line I ripped off? ;)
Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ. I don't want to own DBZ. I just like to harass the characters now and then.
"Damn it! What do I have to do, give myself reviews?" Vegeta whined, shoving his laptop aside.
"What's the matter, Honey?" Bulma asked, looking up from the blueprints she was working on.
"Nobody reviews my story," Vegeta continued to whine. "I get hits and lots of people favorite me and sign up for alerts, but nobody reviews. Why not?"
Bulma leaned on one elbow and looked at him pointedly. "Well, you have to make sure you write an awesome story, so no matter how good it is or how bad it sucks, it's bound to get reviews."
Vegeta looked at her as if she had three heads. "Come again?"
Bulma sighed. "Okay, first off, you have to have a catchy screen name, like 'Blue Haired Sex Kitten' or something like that-"
"Oh my god, you're 'Blue Haired Sex Kitten'?" Vegeta practically screamed. "You never told me that!"
Damn. Cat was out of the bag. "That's beside the point," Bulma interrupted, attempting to steer the conversation back to his problem.
"But your stories are so... so... raunchy and explicit," Vegeta raved. "I'm married to 'Blue Haired Sex Kitten'. Sweet." He leaned back in his seat. "By the way, I'm expecting what you wrote about in your last chapter of-"
"Okay, do you want my advice or not?" Bulma interrupted again.
"Yes, please," Vegeta responded meekly, but the wheels in his head were definitely turning.
"Okay, not only do you have to have a catchy screen name, but a good title and summary. Make it something that interests people enough that they'll want to read it without giving too much away."
"Hold on, I'm gonna write this down." Vegeta grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. "Good... title... and... summary. Got it."
"All right. Now, your characters have to be absolutely perfect in every physical sense. The men must have absolutely godlike bodies and the women must be petite little twigs while managing to be voluptuous in all the right places. This, of course, is all 100% natural for either sex."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"I didn't make up the characters, I just write about them. Besides, nothing about your story is supposed to be realistic. Anyway, the characters must also be so attractive that even complete strangers must have them, and either highly intelligent or dumb as rocks. You pick," Bulma continued.
Vegeta continued to scribble madly. "Okay, what else?"
"Your story will have a hero and a heroine, no matter what genre you decide to write about. The heroine oftentimes has a cheating and most likely abusive boyfriend. She should either cheat back with the hero, or the boyfriend will dump her and either way she'll end up running full force into the arms of the hero," Bulma explained in a remarkably rational way. "You can even feel free to incorporate a character who's exactly like you even though they're not you. This person always falls in love with the opposite hero or heroine, who falls madly in love with this perfect, beautiful individual in return." She grinned at her husband. "You're really taking notes?"
"Oh yeah. I'm writing this down. This is good stuff."
"What next... oh right. As long as we're on relationships, you must always have at least one gratuitous sex scene per story if it's short, or preferably several for a longer story. This will happen regardless of whether or not the characters like or hate each other. All they do is have sex, sex, and more sex. You can't have too much sex in a story. The more explicit the better, especially if you have no concept of what you're talking about. But it's not a big deal, because no one ever catches on." Bulma took a good gulp of her coffee.
Vegeta paused. "How do you spell 'gratuitous'? And what the hell does it mean?"
Bulma beamed at him. "That's the beauty of it, Vegeta. You don't have to spell check anything or worry about grammar at all! Don't bother re-reading anything to look for glaring errors or ask someone else to beta for you. This is especially the case if you're not writing in your first language. Also, make sure your chapters are extremely short, no more than a few dozen words. That way, people will have to wait longer for more chapters. But, if your story is awesome enough, no one will notice any of these annoying little things!"
"Sweet." Vegeta looked up from his notes. "Anything else?"
"Hmmm... oh! If one of the characters is kidnapped and taken to another planet, that's awesome," Bulma assured him, "especially if that person is sold into slavery to the royal household. This alien race always hates humans, but the ruler and/or the heir will without fail take an active interest in the slave. This being the case, the slave feels comfortable enough to continually mouth off to the ruler, who, despite having the power and authority to immediately kill said slave for their insolence, never does, so it's perfectly acceptable to mouth off whenever possible. This is because the ruler and/or heir always falls in love with him or her, and must have the slave. Usually the kidnapped person in this scenario is the heroine and the either ruler or heir is the hero. Conversely," Bulma continued, hardly taking a breath between thoughts, "if it's the hero who is kidnapped, he'll be used for evil purposes, probably something involving torture and abuse."
"Wow. That's pretty deep." He thought about how he could incorporate any of this into his own sucky story.
"I'm not done yet," Bulma informed him.
Vegeta's eyebrow rose. "There's more?"
"Of course! Let's see... all female characters should cry once in a while. That's a given. Male characters don't unless they're in private and no one sees. Of course, both of them are hurting inside, but it'll always end up happily ever after. Don't forget the happily ever after. What else... oh. Try messing with the characters' ages. You know, like them growing up together. That's soooo cute, especially if they're going to school together, or the heroine actually goes to another planet as a little girl and gets to visit the ruler's heir in the palace. I just love all of those stories."
"Oh. I guess so." Vegeta sounded rather skeptical about the cuteness factor.
"Hey, if you write anything right, nothing's ever overused," Bulma insisted. "That reminds me, going back to the gratuitous sex scenes, the women always have to be bent in some impossible position, moan, and have perky nipples. The men must always have an insanely oversized, throbbing and glistening 'member', 'rod', or 'shaft'," she explained, using the "quote" gesture with her fingers for each descriptive term. "Oh, and always rename all of the body parts. You know, the heroine doesn't have 'large blue eyes', she has 'enormous cerulean orbs'. Her breasts are always 'mounds', too." She grinned at her husband again. "Are you okay?"
Vegeta looked flushed and sweaty. "Yeah... I'm just thinking too much on that part, and your last chapter of-"
"Any other questions, or have I rambled on long enough?" Bulma asked, her eyebrow rising.
A smirk spread over Vegeta's face. "I think I have enough material to work with," he assured her. "For now, though, how about I introduce my gargantuan staff to your tight crevice?" he purred.
"You're definitely catching on, Vegeta," Bulma told him with a giggle as he led her to their room for the umpteenth time that day.
Thank goodness he wasn't acting the least bit out of character.