Summary:An outbreak of stupidity and randomness has entered the wonderful world of Bleach. Unfortunately, only one character manages to keep their sanity as the others slowly lose it. It starts out as Grimmjow and Ulquiorra out on a mission to kill Urahara, but what seems like a short mission turns out to be more then what was bargained for.
Notice:I am Black Dragon, Not Kurotsuki-Tenchi! We have one computer, one email-address, Dial-up, and 28.8 kilobytes (kbps). As the younger sister of Kurotsuki-Tenchi we have to share, so this is my Fic. Also! I have read up in the manga to 367, this story doesn't go by the original storyline. The more living characters, the more fun. XD
Disclaimer:I do not own Bleach, or any of it's characters. I don't own decaff coffee, or anything else in this story except the story itself. I don't own Grimmjow or Ulquiorra (Turquoise, we call him!) and if you think so, you may be the world's biggest retard! We are then entitled to pound you to death with a dead hobo! (Accessories not included.)
It would of been a typical day to torment the souls in the world of the living, if it wasn't for an outbreak of the stupid. For some reason all of the Espada were acting strangely, even Aizen himself. I was sent out on a mission to kill Kisuke Urahara, and Ulquiorra was sent along with me (bad idea). I didn't know why they wanted that weirdo dead, he was somewhat of a threat but nothing Aizen couldn't kill himself. As the sixth Espada, I was out to get higher in the ranks and become strong enough to be king (or so I wanted). But I was not going to listen to him, he let my arm get destroyed (I was lucky enough to get it back thanks to that healing woman). Hell No was I going! Aizen growled at me after I suggested that I'd rather cut off my other arm, it was very strange. All of the other Espada joined him in growling and made anger faces at me. Now I was starting to believe that I was the only sane one here, so I chose to ignore the creepy situation. Unfortunately, I had to take on that damn mission that almost drove me insane. I've heard that Urahara was strong, but why care, if I'm lucky I'll get to kill him and that shinigami. We reached that odd little store where he lives, that's where things went wrong and started to turn out really weird.
Grimmjow and Ulquiorra approached the door, it was far too quiet inside. Grimmjow kicked the door down, but no one was there.
"Where is he? Aizen said he'd be here."
"Well...they must of know we were coming, lets wait for them to get back."
"What? I'm not waiting all day, I say lets hunt him down."
"That is not wise, Aizen's orders..." Ulquiorra was interrupted,
"I don't give a shit about the orders, he told us to kill the guy, not how we kill him."
Ulquiorra was just about comment, when he felt Urahara's spirit pressure. "Do you feel that? I feel a disturbance in the force. I believe he's here now." They turn around.
"Well about time, I was beginning to grow impatient with that guy."
Urahara along with Tessai, Jinta, and Ururu were packing groceries. "Hey guys, what's up?" Urahara waved his hand at them,
"Hello to you too, I hope you are prepared to die." Grimmjow pulled out his sword and charged at them. Just when he was about to bring his sword down on Urahara, he grabbed the sword.
"Can't you see were packing groceries?" he was smiling.
"What? You don't have any thing in your hand except that ugly fan."
He threw the sword to the side. "I'm leading my friends into the shop, care to join?"
"What!!! I'm trying to kill you!" Grimmjow confused as hell.
"Well before battle you should enjoy a nice cup of coffee, it's on the house. You can come too Ulquiorra."
Ulquiorra began to walk away, "No, we don't have time to fool around."
"Are you sure, we also have decaff?" He said in a heavenly tone.
Ulquiorra turned around slowly, and he was all too serious. "Decaff?"
"Don't listen to that guy Ulquiorra, he's starting to freak me out."
"I would love to join you."
Grimmjow looked awkwardly at Ulquiorra, "What... in the hell... did just you say?"
"Come Grimmjow, it would be rude to ignore his hospitality."
"Hell No! Were here to kill him not to join him in a tea par....." Ulquiorra quickly throws his hand over Grimmjow's mouth.
"Remember, we are to never speak those words. Ever!"
Grimmjow pushes him away, "So I forgot how obsessed Aizen is with his tea, big deal. And what is wrong with you? (He's totally lost it.)
"Your coming in and your going to polite, are we clear?"
"I hate you."
"Now show us into your lovely place."
"I knew you would wanted to come, please enjoy your time." Urahara showed them the door. They walked into the room behind the shop, there is a small table and Tessai prepared the coffee then brought it to the table.
"Please sit and enjoy the finest coffee we have to offer."
Jinta pours them a cup, "Please drink it, we almost never have company over." He's crying and begging down on his knees, "PLEASE ENJOY!!!".
"Okay? (what a drama queen)"
Ururu sits by Grimmjow, "Damn Moochers!"
"What did you just call me you little brat!" Grimmjow raised his fist in anger.
Ulquiorra kicks Grimmjow, "Don't be rude." He continues to drink his coffee.
"Damn you! Hurry up so we can finish this mission and go home."
"Why are you not drinking your coffee?"
"I hate coffee!" Just as he said that Renji comes up through the training area, Chad just behind him.
"Why are their Espadas here Kisuke? Are you trying to pull a prank on me again?"
"No, they paid us a visit, so I treated them to some coffee."
"What? You never treat me to anything! But that's okay, I forgive you." He said smiling.
"You have been training hard, both of you. Would you like some coffee?"
(SOMEONE! Please tell me that I'm dreaming!) Grimmjow thought.
"Sorry, but you're not." Kisuke spoke aloud.
"Are you reading my thoughts?"
"Maybe." He said in a very disturbing tone. Then he asked a very odd question. "And would you please stop shoplifting? I don't get much customers or much income, it's sad really."
Grimmjow was now very confused, he reached into his pocket. He found was several pieces of candy. "How in the hell did this get in here?"
"You stole it Damn Moochers, we give you free coffee and then you steal from us! Ururu stood up complaining.
"That's it I'm out of here, I can't take it anymore! Screw the damn mission!" He got up and ran out of the shop.
"How uncivilized of him, more coffee please?" Ulquiorra holds out his cup.
Chad and Renji sit at the table, "So why kill Urahara? He's a great and reliable guy you know." Renji questioned.
"Sorry, but Aizen believes that he has become a threat. I don't know what threat he could pose other then strength and wit, maybe it's jealousy or pride. I'll never fully understand him."
"You're wrong!" Chad smashes his fist onto the table. "It is because he's weak, why else use hit men for his job!" Chad stirred in fury, "If I ever see that man, then I'll shove this table up his ass!"
"Calm down Chad. For your age, save the rage for the cage. You need more psychological training. Renji! After you finish your coffee, please take Chad out to train again please." Kisuke requested.
"Okay, I would love to help. Chad still has his anger issues, but I'll work with it."
"Maybe you could train Grimmjow too, he really needs anger management." Ulquiorra suggested.
"Fuck you!" came a loud voice from outside the building.
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A/N: This is my first-ever story posted Fan-Fic, although I had already typed on other stories (Just never got around to finish first chapters and post). Please review! I respect all opinions, even if their good or bad. I would also ask you to visit the Kurotsuki-Tenchi profile to vote on a poll, to see what Bleach characters you would like to see appear in the next chapter. Next chapter will be posted eventually, so look out for it. Thank you!