Hell again everyone. How was our month? Angsty pelvic thrusts to elusivetwilight for Beta'ing. Srsly folks, she's awesome (and threatening to come and get me if keep up with my insane use of hyphens and 'dot dot dots' ... love ya too bb ) And a HUGE THANK-YOU to MsforMarisa from Twi-Fic-Grafix for making me a LOVELY BANNER (link on the profile.)

Also mes amis, I've been re-formatting the previous chapters to add in some dates to help give this story a time frame. It's set in 2009 because that's when I started to write it. (A year ago in August-insane right? Especially when I only have seven chapters .) So please go back and give them a once over.

Usual disclaimers apply here. All Twilight aspects belong to Stephine Meyer. Everything else belongs to Evil Black Poppies Copyright 2009/2010.

Oh and if you're under eighteen, who the fuck are you kidding and go back to the T-rated stories. Seriously. And if anything of the citrus variety disturbs you, turn back now.

Don't wanna
Don't wanna talk about it
I say why not?
Don't wanna think about it
I say there's got to be some good reason
- Little Black Backpack by Stroke 9

|October 9, 2010-October 10, 2009|


After the fated day in biology, and the afternoon that followed, Edward and I hadn't done much talking if we could avoid it. We managed to work through our labs with a minimum amount of conversation. Problem was, I wanted to talk to Edward more, to get to know him, to figure out what happened with him last year, but But clammed up every time I opened my mouth around him.

It definitely had nothing to do with the fact that I thought his voice-and every other part of him-was incredibly sexy. Nothing at all.

Oh, who was I kidding? Edward was the most attractive guy I'd ever seen. Although, I hadn't seen many attractive men or boys in my life time. Men did ride, but all of the men who did ride were in their thirties and forties. I was incredibly inexperienced in this world of boys and men.

Not to mention his history. If he could get any girl he wanted in the school (but considering his looks, he probably could get any other girl he wanted as well) then why would he go for me, the dorky, crippled, inexperienced girl? And besides, I was his foster sister.


Did this mean that I had a crush on Edward?

Oh crap.

Here it was two weeks later and I had a golden opportunity to talk to Edward about something other than chromosomes. After a month-and-a-half of living in the unbelievably cloudy and rainy town of Forks, Washington, the weather was going to turn. The local news station claimed that Saturday was going to be unseasonably high and Alice was planing a trip to the beach with Emmett and Angela. She hadn't said if Edward was going, so I figured I could ask him.

And I didn't want to.

But I wanted to.

It was very confusing. I was embarassed about liking him, and ashamed. He was supposed to be my brother. Isn't that illegal?

Walking into Biology, I kept my head down, fixed on my feet. I mumbled a greeting to the teacher and began the solemn march to my seat.

Don't look at him. Don't look at him. Don't you dare look at him.

I was determined to ignore him because maybe, just maybe, ignoring him would terminate my attraction to him.

I sat down in my seat, throwing my bag to the ground. I was hyper-aware of his presence next to me. I wanted to look at him so bad, but couldn't, wouldn't. Electricity seemed to crackle in the space between us. I kept repeating my mantra of, 'don't look at him. Each second was a battle. I wanted to know him, to know his secrets. But I also thought he was gorgeous.

"Hello Bella," his musical voice whispered as the class began.

Oh fuck. My body screamed to say something in return, to talk to him, to ask him to come with us on Saturday. But I still desperately clung to the hope that if I stopped talking to him, my crush would miraculously disappear.

So I nodded and said, "Edward," through my teeth.

Thankfully, we were watching a movie today and not doing lab, which meant I didn't have to talk to him.

Class dragged on. As the video's narrator explained the process of Meiosis in detail, my attention wained, and turned back to Edward. I looked at him through the corner of my eye. My eyes trailed down his body, starting with his signature tousled red-brown locks and expressive bottle green eyes. I mentally traced over his strong jaw, dotted with stubble-a sign that he hadn't shaved this morning. A dark gray hoddie covered his upper-body and his legs were encased in tailored black jeans.

He looked fantastic.

I sighed internally. I was pathetic. I felt like a stereotypical teenage girl, ogling at the hot guy with a reputation as a man-whore. I was almost... disappointed in myself. I was the oddball with the cane, but inside... I was just like everyone else. I'd almost liked being different. It made me feel like I was my own person, an individual.

The bell rang just as the movie ended. Packing up my books, I nodded in response to Edward's call of 'Bye Bella,' and headed off to check in with my gym teacher so I could go to the library.

"Bella?" Alice's voice called from outside my bedroom door later that evening. We'd just finished dinner and I was happily reading ahead in Othello,while listening to music.

"Come on in, Alice," I called from my bed, where I was spread out with my book and iPod.

The door flung open, and Alice raced in, a streak of white skin and black hair. "Oh my GOODNESS Bella, you won't believe how excited I am for Saturday!" She did a little twirl as she spoke, her multi-colored babydoll tank-top spreading out around her as she did so.

I laughed, "Simmer, Alice, simmer. Do you even have a medium setting on your level of emotions?"

"Nope," she replied. She sat down on the edge of the bed next to me, swinging her feet, clad in black-and-white flats, back and forth. "Seriously Bella. It's going to be so much fun! Rose and Jasper are coming as well as Angela now, it'll be a blast."

I nodded, taking out my ear buds. When I met Rosalie Hale, she'd seemed very stiff and cold. I didn't know what Emmett saw in her other than good looks. I relayed my thoughts to Alice, because in my first week or so of knowing her, I'd become fast friends with her and learned I could tell her almost anything.

Note the almost.

Because I certainly could not tell Alice about my crush on Edward.

"Rose gets better, I promise rpomise. She needs to get to know people before she lets out her fun side." Alice smiled weakly.

I snorted, "Sure." My tone dripped with sarcasm.

Alice rolled her eyes, "So was there anyone you wanted to invite for Saturday?"

I wanted to scream, 'Edward!' But instead, I replied, "No. You?"

"Not really..." she sighed and looked sad, "Edward... isn't going, so what I'd really like is to spend some time with Jasper."

"Ooo, beach canoodling?" I laughed, raising an eyebrow. I still wondered why Edward didn't want Jasper and Alice to date. And there I was again, thinking of him. I sighed to myself.

Alice looked away and blushed. "I said nothing of the sort... What would make you think that?" She smiled impishly.

"Oh nothing... Just the way his eyes light up when he looks at you," I smiled, "he's totally smitten, Ali."

"You think so?"

I nodded, and secretly wished that Edward would look at me like Jasper did to my friend.

The remainder of the week passed quickly, and before I knew it, I was standing in the Cullen's driveway with Emmett, Alice, and the two Hales. Jasper and Rosalie had arrived in Rosalie's cherry red BMW convertible.

"How about Alice and I take the BMW, and you and Em take his Jeep?" Jasper proposed.

As they debated, I let my mind wander back to Edward. I hadn't see him this morning, although it was still relatively early at 9:30, I'd expected to at least see him in the hallway or something. Maybe he was a late riser.

Last night I'd decided to give up on not thinking about Edward. In fact, my pledge to not think about him cause me to think about him more, if it was possible.

I jumped back, as Alice snapped her fingers in my face, "Earth to Bella!" She laughed, "Zone out much?"

I blushed. "A little."

She smiled, "So Bella, who do you want to ride with?" Jasper and Alice looked at me expectantly.

I shrugged and told her that I'd like to ride with them.

As I climbed into the BMW's nearly nonexistent back, I threw an involuntary look over my shoulder, hoping to see Edward. I mentally shook myself. I was not going to think of him. Anyways, I doubted Edward was the type to wave us off from the front porch.

I snorted at the idea, . Which caused Alice to give me a look. I flushed slightly and settled down for the ride to the beach.

Although the sun was out Alice had 'forgotten' to mention last night that there would be a fierce amount of wind. Since arriving at the beach, I had desperately wanted an elastic band to tie my hair back with. The wind rippled my brown hair that really needed a cut, left and right, inhibiting my vision.

But other than that, the weather was at its best since I left Phoenix. The sun was peeking out from behind the clouds, there wasn't any rain, it was about 65 degrees; it was nice.

We were waiting near a pile of driftwood for Angela, and another person named Ben. I sat down on the smooth sand, not caring that my jeans would be disgusting and sandy afterwards. Jasper sat on a large log of driftwood that he and Emmett had pulled out of the massive pile in front of us and Alice joined him by sitting in his lap. Emmett and Rosalie sat on another log taken from the driftwood pyre, holding each others' hand. I played with the sand, letting their conversation flow around me.

"So Bella," Jasper began in a Southern drawl with a smile, "how are you liking the infamous, hallowed halls of Forks High School?"

I laughed, "They're decent enough. It took about a week for me to get used to the school and whatnot, but I like it for the most part." After a beat I asked, "Are you from Forks?" I asked, trying to hide my curiosity as to where he got that accent from.

"Not at all," he said, "Rosalie and I hail from Texas. After our dad was a military man, a major or something, and he was... killed in Afghanistan about four years ago. My mom couldn't take care of us by herself so we moved in with our grandfather."

I didn't know his dad had died. I felt bad for asking. "I'm sor-"

He raised his hand, cutting me off, "It's okay... everyone's sorry, I get that." Alice looked up at him and rubbed his thigh in comfort. He smiled and wrapped his arms around her. It was adorable, and made me jealous. I wanted to have that. I could see it in my mind's eye... I stopped that train of thought before it finished. The person I imagined myself with was the person I would not think about today.

Before the lull in the conversation had lasted too long, Angela walked over, holding hands with a short, brown-haired boy, who I assumed was Ben. "Hey guys!" she called from across the beach, waving.

We all called out 'hellos' as Angela and Ben sat down next to Jasper and Alice. Ben began to apologize for their tardiness, which soon grew into a long-winded story that I barely paid attention to. I let the conversation continue to go on without me and as Emmett finished up his practical joke , I noticed a group of boys who were slowly coming our way.

"Uley!" Emmett called, waving at them.

The group consisted of what looked to be five boys that were our age and appeared to be from the reservation. The one at the head of the pack had shoulder-length black hair that was pulled into a ponytail. He was tall and built like a linebacker, and was almost as big as Emmett. They all wore jerseys bearing a number and a howling wolf emblem

"What's up Cullen?" the boy asked.

"Not much, man, not much," Emmett replied, pulling the boy into one of those one-armed guy hugs. "So are you ready to be crushed on Monday night, there Sam?"

The boys behind Sam, laughed and feigned fear. "I should be asking you that Emmett."

Emmett flashed a dimpled smile, and patted the spot next to him on the log, "Pop a squat bro ." The group of boys sat down in various places around the driftwood pile. Emmett asked the group about their latest football game. It was then that I noticed there was a sixth boy, he was tall, but not as muscled as the rest, and did not wear a jersey. I decided he must be about sixteen, I observed, as he sat down next to me on the sand.

He turned to look at me, smiling, "Hey I'm Jacob."

I smiled slightly and nodded, "Bella."

"Nice to meet you." He looked out past the driftwood pile and I followed his gaze, "So what brings you to the lovely beaches of La Push?" he asked with mock-enthusiasm, as the seaweed-filled tide rolled in.

I laughed, "I needed to get out of the house, and anyways, I haven't seen the sun this bright since I've moved here from Phoenix two years ago."

He seemed to ponder this, "So you moved to Forks when you were a... sophomore?" he guessed.

I looked away, blushing a little. "No... I was in an... accident two years ago," I nudged my cane with my foot, to show him that it had ended with me slightly worse for wear. "And I went to Seattle for physical therapy and Alice and Emmett's dad," I nodded in their direction, "Carlisle, he's taken me in as a foster kid... for now."

Jacob looked like he didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry." I then understood Jasper's statement from before, 'Everyone's sorry'. Hearing that word, sorry, it didn't feel like it meant anything, like it was just what someone said when they didn't know what to say. It made me feel a bit bitter towards Jacob. But I also knew, he couldn't help it, he didn't know what had happened, nor did he know me.

"It's okay," I told him. Hastily I added, "So you're what, a junior?"

"Nope," he said, "Close though, I'm a sophomore. You?"


He nodded thoughtfully. "Cool."

Silence settled between us, as the various conversations around us continued. The silence wasn't like it was with Edward. Edward's silences were fraught with hidden meaning and secrets, with Jacob it was just calm. I kind of liked it.

After a little while, Angela and Ben began to plan a trip to some tide pools. Most of our group wanted to go, but I opted out. So after I watched them walk away, I was left with Jacob and Sam.

"So you live with the Cullens?" Jacob asked, "Are they nice?"

"Yeah, they're all..." I paused, thinking of Edward, "great," I finished flatly.

"That sounded really enthusiastic Bella. Is it that they aren't nice? Or is it just one of the Cullen clan?"

I sighed, I had a good feeling about Jacob, and I had always been taught to trust my instincts, so I told him. "It's just... there's stuff I'm not being told. And I get that I'm a foster kid, and they aren't exactly going to tell me where grandma's silver is kept," I joked lamely, trying to make light of my own inner turmoil. "And it's hard to connect to Ed-them," I corrected myself just in time. But Sam had caught my slip up while Jacob didn't.

"So they haven't told you, have they?" Sam said in an almost cocky tone, his dark eyes locking with mine.

"Wh-what do you mean?" I tried to act innocent, like a child caught taking from the cookie jar .

"Masen," he began, "I don't know what shit he got into over in Forks, but I do know he isn't allowed here anymore. He's fucking psychotic." It took all of my control to keep my jaw from dropping. Edward's mystery was thickening, and I knew now that I needed to get to the bottom of this.

"Why?" I prodded Sam, hoping for more. Jacob shifted nervously beside me, looking from me to Sam out of the corner of his eyes.

"He showed here really fucking trashed one night." My obviously puzzled look had him explaining more, "He was all kinds of drunk and high off of something there were kids here, it was a community bonfire."

I started to think of Edward. I was trying to make this Edward Sam was telling me about match the Edward I knew. Over the last few weeks, I'd began to notice an odd look in Edward's eyes. Some days he would look haunted. As though he was freaked out by something. Did a high person act like that? I racked my brain for some sort of knowledge about drugs. Did Edward do drugs?

Oh God.

Did Edward do drugs?


God, it was really fucking sad how badly I wanted to go with Bella to the beach. I wanted to figure out why she was ignoring me. What had I done? I'd done my best to not freak her out, or let my other half out to play with her. I had tried. Tried to be normal, tried to have a conversation.

Had I failed?

I hadn't had a conversation with anyone outside of the family, and I counted Jasper as part of the family, as much as I am loath to admit, since before I'd left for Boston. And even at that, the conversations had been limited, at best. Alice was the only one who truly attempted to reach out to me nowadays. My family knew I was still battling my issues, and they didn't press.

It scared me that I wanted to spend time with Bella. Not spend time fucking her, but actually talking to her. I wanted to get to know her. I wanted her to be safe. I wanted to keep her from tripping or something, so she didn't get hurt.

Shit, did that mean I cared about Bella?

Did that mean I more than liked Bella?

I mean, she was beautiful. Her soft, silky dark brown hair that flowed to in between her shoulder blades I wanted to run my fingers though it. Her warm melted chocolate eyes that held mine in a gaze filled with hidden meaning and confusion. God, she was pretty. And not to mention her curves. Fuck, her curves God, those tight-ass jeans she wore. Fuck me, her ass looked amazing. Just thinking about her caused a familiar twist in my I could just-I stopped that train of thought.

The morning that she and the rest of my siblings left for a day trip to La Push's beach to celebrate the sun, I was locked in my room. I was purposely placing myself in solitary confinement. I had fucked up so bad last year. I didn't even fucking remember half-of last year. Drugs don't do well for one's memory.

However, I do remember that night in La Push.

God, I'd been fucked up. I taken whatever shit Jasper had been passing around, whilst smoking a joint. I don't known what had been in the cocktail, but it was really fucked up. I'm guessing that Jazz had scored some acid and was passing it around. I had be trying everything then. Just something to make myself, my life, my emotions, my memories go away. Forever.

Paul had been our go to guy for drugs. That night, he had been having a party of some sorts. Less than fifteen minutes later, my head was so fucking light and my stomach was rolling. I was moving from room to room, trying to find Jasper. And all of the sudden this huge fucking fear washes over me, I just kept getting more and more frightened. I kept thinking, holy fuck, I'm going to die, I'm going to die-I have to get out of here, or I'm going to die. To no one in particular, I yelled that I was going outside. Paul lived in a cabin right on the beach and I headed out there, scared as shit.

And of course, I start to hallucinate. So as I was talking-and screaming-like I was the fucking Mad Hatter, I realized there was some family or something having a bonfire just a few yards down the beach. Just my luck. So, in short, I got a warning from the lovely police chief, a guy named Billy Black, and I was asked to kindly not return to La Push again.

And now, that's the one place I wanted to be in the world.

"Oh irony, oh cruel fate," for I muttered to my empty room, voice dripping with sarcasm. I just wanted to have a normal day, to be a normal guy, with this girl, this Bella Swan, who wasn't normal at all. She was strong, she'd gone through her own storm of shit and she came out from it with strength and determination. She wasn't normal. She was something else entirely, she'd torn open scars I'd thought I'd sealed. I mean, I knew that getting over my actions, problems, and past would be hard, but she'd caught me in some sort of spell, for lack of a better word. I had wanted to have sex with women before. Obviously douche, I chided myself. But never had I really wanted to get to know them. Nor had I ever, as I'd written in my notebook after that day in biology:'shield her from anything that could hurt her.'

Never had I actually cared for anyone like that.

And that was scaring the shit out of me.

It only took a few hours for me to find myself thinking about Bella's body again. How beautiful she was, how bad I wanted her. That mahogany hair that tumbled down her back, those dark brown eyes that were so timid one moment and fierce the next. The rush of pink that came to her cheeks when she blushed. Her curves, the way those fucking jeans fit her like she'd been sewn into them. The gentle slope of her ass... Jesusfuck, the phrase raging wood' couldn't even begin to describe me at the moment.

Hard-on was straining again my boxers and stiff jeans. I remembered her sitting on the couch, her beautiful hair falling in front of her face as she read. My cock twinged painfully.

Really Edward, just from the way her hair fell on her face?

God but she... just... fuck, I wanted her. But I couldn't. I would not, could not, ever fuck Bella Swan. It would just start a cycle, start a downward spiral I don't think I could climb back out of. I wished I didn't want her. My life would have been ten fucking times easier if even thinking about her didn't set my body on fire.

I laid down on my bed, arms rigid at my sides, fists balled, hoping, praying, my erection, and my need for her body, would dissipate. The house was so fucking quiet. Carlisle and Esme were both out, as well as my siblings. It was too quiet. The silence seemed to intensify the moment.

I slowly closed my eyes, trying to expel all thoughts of Bella, but I couldn't. All I could see was her. She was standing in blackness. Her hair was down, reaching just past her shoulders. Her t-shirt was fitted and white, allowing me to get the general picture of what her bra looked like. It was dark blue.


Eyes still screwed shut, my hand subconsciously unbuttoned my jeans. The fabric was rough against my hand. I could hear my shaky, rattled breath now as my hand drew closer to the softer fabric of my boxers. The fabric moved up and down, like slow waves as my hand worked underneath it. My eyes flew wide open. I moaned into the silence. My hips rose off the bed, jutting upward, my body needing more.

Needing Bella.


My free hand, acting of its own accord, began to push my jeans down; the heavy fabric making scratching noises as it moved. The boxers soon followed. She was slowly drawing the shirt over her head, leaving her in the navy bra and these equally dark blue cotton boyshorts. Jesusfuck. She was kissing me now, her tongue darting between my lips, meeting my own.

"Fuck," I whisper-moaned to the silence.

God her bra was off now, her tits so perfect with pert, pink nipples erect. I wondered what they would feel like, imagined moving my head, lowering my face to suck on them. Slowly, sweetly with a soft tenderness.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, fucking, fuck. My toes were curling, neck arching. Hips jutting upward, arching off the bed, hands out of control. The sheets rustling underneath my twisting body. I felt a growing tightness in my groin.

We were pressing our naked bodies together... fuck, I could feel the liquid start to seep from the tip of my cock. Our bodies moved against each other, as I moaned in the quiet. The sheets rustled louder now and I couldn't tell if the noise was real or in my fantasy.

And just as I pushed into her, I felt a familiar tightening, and I exploded in my hands, spilling onto my body and my sheets. The dream-me continued to thrust into her until she came as well. And she did. Crying out, she tightened around me, as her neck arched. Her breathing was as heavy as mine.

Fuck. Jesus-fucking-Christ. I wanted that. I wanted that to happen so fucking bad.

But it couldn't. It could never happen. Not ever.

*blush* So my duckies, how was your first taste of citrus?

Also what do you think about Ms Bella's thoughts about our lovely E?

Now some time for a little shameless self-plugging and pimping for others: So as many of you know, The Fandom Gives Back Eclipse Auction was the month and I had auctioned off a few things. So now I'm writing a one-shot for my amazing Mentor, AccioBourbon (so get ready for some Peter/Bella ;) a one-shot for the fantastic daisy3853, and a full-length AU Novella for the brilliant bonnysammy. Keep an eye out for those.

I'm currently reading Night Must Fall by katkin01 and if you aren't reading it-what rock are you living under? It's amazing, check it out. Also I'm addicted to Like the Shadow by americnxidiot which is also great. Speaking of the fabulous americnxidiot if you're a fan of SLASH you should go read her fuckawesome EDWARD/RILEY once-shot. It's hilarious. You will laugh, giggle, snort, and cringe all at once. I highly recommend it.

xo, Sam (AKA: Evil Black Poppies)