This chapter is Sam's POV on the night she and Freddie kissed.
"omgwords" indicates Sam or Freddie speaking.
'omgthoughts' indicates Sam's thoughts.
"omgcrazy" indicates Sam's inner voice.
I don't own iCarly. But I do own a whole new pack of my favorite Cadoozle pencils! I went through eight or so last year, and now I have twenty-eight! iCould Not Be Happier! ^_^
Enjoy in moderation!
He was sitting outside on the fire escape, back turned to me, listening to Running Away by AM (a song that isn't really of my taste, but I do like it,) looking out on the brilliant lights of Seattle. The Space Needle shown brilliantly in the distance with its… pointiness. But I digress.
What was I gonna say to Freddie? It wasn't until now that I realized I didn't have anything to say; I'd just gone out there because I felt like I should've. A million words flowed through me, but before I could put any of them together into a coherent conversation, I found myself knocking on the window pane/escape door.
He looked over his shoulder to see who it was. It didn't occur to me until now that he probably hadn't watched the show, too wrapped up in his misery to bother. I started to get my story straight of what I'd done as I gave him a tight half-smile.
But no. Instead of saying, "Go away; haven't you had your fill of making my life miserable!?" he returned my half-smile, waving me out onto the balcony. I pushed back the window pane. Did he watch iCarly, or did he have something to get me back in mind? If the same thing had happened to me, I would've thrown him off the balcony, so I took a seat on the window ledge, far from the edge of the balcony, my left leg dangling outside of the window and my right leg pulled in in front of me. The music gave this a slightly romantic air, at which my insides shifted in ways they weren't supposed to.
"What's up?" "Sam, you dumb girl! What's he supposed to say about that???"
"Nothing." He stood up and turned off the radio. 'THANK YOU!'
I pulled one of the meatballs (I'd left the rest in the hallway) out of my pocket and offered it to him. "Meatball?" He turned around, looking at the slightly squished meatball in my hand. "Nooo… thanks?" My inner self was pounding on the walls of my brain, furious at me. Hey, I'm not exactly the best at apologies and crap, but I didn't think this would stress my brain out THAT much. I simply shrugged and threw the meatball over the adjacent balcony wall. He watched it for a second, still curious as to why I had a meatball in my pocket, but let it go, and turned back to face me.
"That was really brave, what you said."
My heart pounded against my chest. "You heard?" I hoped he didn't hear the squeakiness in which that came out.
He turned around and grabbed his laptop. "You didn't think I'd miss iCarly?" he said in a matter-of-fact tone. I smiled at the fact that no matter how much he hated me at the moment, no matter how humiliated I'd made him feel, he still wouldn't miss iCarly for the world. You'd probably have to kill him and strap him down inside his casket to get him to stop watching! He sat on the steps of the fire escape and set his laptop down next to the bottom stair.
There was a moment of silence between us. Suddenly, wanting to break the silence (I have nothing against gay babies) I blurted out, "I'm sorry." "Follow it up!" "'Bout telling people you never kissed anyone..." He gave a small smile that said, 'I forgive you, but it doesn't take the pain away.' I was on a roll, so I continued with my apologies. "And about putting blue cheese dressing in your shampoo bottle..." He smirked, looking almost attractive as the pale light accentuated his features.
"That's the way Sammy-girl!"
'Shut the hell up!'
"And about sending your cellphone to Cambodia..."
By now he was grinning. My inner self went crazy. I'd had this feeling before, but never about Freddie, and never so split. Usually I like a guy, end of story, but this is Fredweird! I can't like him…
"But I can."
'I don't know about you, but I have a reputation to uphold!'
"So this mean you're not gonna mess with me anymore?"
"Does it matter? Just let me take over, just this once."
'The nerve of that guy!' I thought jokingly as I ignored my inner self.
"No, I'm still gonna mess with you!" I said as if it was the most ridonkulous thing I'd ever heard. "I'm just gonna apologize every few years so I can start fresh again."
He averted his eyes, still smirking that cute- "Good."
"Good?" I mimicked in shock. He couldn't possibly like what I was doing to him, could he??? I'd always wondered why he put up with it (probably for Carly's sake,) but now he's saying good???
"Yeah! It'd be too weird if you didn't make my life miserable all the time!"
"Tch." It was all I could muster at the moment. I was frozen with this emotion. My heart pounded harder against my chest, like an inmate during a jailbreak.
Freddie pulled me back into the real world. "But… y'know, mayyybe you could pull back just a little bit-" "I don't think so-" "Yeah, I didn't either."
"Let me do it now!"
I gave the restraint on my inner voice a little bit of slack. "It's so dumb."
Freddie got a puzzled look on his face. "Whaddya mean?"
"You know, how people get so… freaked out over their first kiss. 'S stupid."
"So you weren't lying? You've really never kissed anyone?"
I sensed something bad coming. 'Just what is she going to-'
"Sometimes I just… wish I could just get it out of the way." The words were spoken from my mouth, but I didn't feel like I was the one saying them.
"Yeah, I know, me too."
Oh sweet Jesus in Heaven.
I know what she's trying to do.
I don't think I could stop her if I wanted to.
I don't think… I want to stop her.
"You know, just so I can stop worrying about it," she said.
"Yeah…" Freddie went silent for a second, and then laughed slightly.
"What?" By now, she and I both knew perfectly well what.
"Nothing, it's…" he averted his gaze.
"Naw, it's dumb-"
"Say it!" she and I both said in unison, except I, now the mute one, screamed it. I wanted it just as badly as she did by now.
"Okay," he said, resigning. I could see him shifting uncomfortably, making me even surer of the resolution he'd come to. "…I was just gonna say-"
"That we should kiss?"
I could almost hear it myself, Freddie's heart was beating so loudly. Hopefully he was so subconscious about himself that he wouldn't think that my heart was just as loud. His mouth gaped like a dying fish's. He slowly averted his gaze, staring at the slate floor of the fire escape. "You're gonna break my arm now, right?"
I also looked into the distance, shaking my head. "No."
"Well… should we?" he shrugged slightly. "Just so both of us can get it over with?"
"Hm." The noise probably sounded to him like I was thinking, but what I was thinking was, 'Don't say it like that, Freddie.' I went along with it. I didn't want him to know how I was beginning to feel. "Just to get it over with."
"Just to get it over with," he repeated.
"And you swear we go right back to hating each other as soon as it's over."
"Oh, totally! And we never tell anyone."
An awkward silence that felt long enough for a dozen gay babies to be born followed. Freddie stared nervously into my eyes.
"Well… lean." I encouraged.
The song from the radio played through my head again as he leaned in closer, closer, closer… to me. I could feel his body heat radiating onto my skin, so warm in the cold night of Seattle. I leaned in slightly, and our lips made smooth contact.
He lead the gentle kiss, hi slips locked perfectly with mine, as if I'd found a long lost puzzle piece. He pulled our lips into a rhythm, a perfect harmony. I had to open my eyes. Could this be real? Was I really kissing Freddie Benson? Did I really like it so much? His lips were so sure for someone who'd never kissed anyone before. I was too deep in the ecstasy of the moment to wonder whether or not I was a good kisser. He made me so sure of myself… any error I made, he would pick up the slack.
He pulled out of the kiss first, leaving a dancing sensation on my lips. I looked at him, but he was already turned away, just as in shock, possibly even more, than I was.
And in that moment, I could tell that everything that had just gone through my mind had also gone through his.
"Well… that was… uhm…" he spoke as I stood up, lost for words.
"Yeah, nice, uhhh…"
Silence. This time I was the one to speak first. My inner self left me to do the cleanup, and I found myself just as lost for words as Freddie.
"Thank you, you too."
With that, my body still half paralyzed, I slowly turned and stepped through the window.
I turned to face him once more. The light from the inside play on his face, making every feature all the more charming.
"I hate you," he beamed.
I half scoffed, half laughed. Between us it was like an exchange of love. "Hate you too." I left him to his own devices outside, as I walked back to the iCarly studio, not forgetting to pick up my bowl of Carly's expensive meatballs.