Disclaimer: The story, characters, and plot of Twilight do not belong to me. This story is just me playing around. Please remember this story is rated 'M' for a reason.
Any mistakes/errors you may find are my own. I tweaked and generally played around with it some more after I sent it to my lovely beta.
It's been five days and Bella's health is declining fast.
As much as I hate to admit it, Carlisle has been great. He comes over several times a day and stays for hours as he tends to her.
She has a morphine drip now to help her with the pain.
She's become a little out of her mind. The funny thing is … she actually believes me to be her boyfriend. How backwards is that?
She's constantly asking me to hold her and sing to her. I haven't done anything like this since I was human.
Bella has had false memories of us. She thinks we met in high school … even says we were biology lab partners.
She loves me. Well, she says she does, and I know it's not true. I know it's her brain playing tricks on her, but if this makes her more comfortable, then I will play right along with it.
I haven't heard from Freudward in a long time, not that I miss the bastard. Either my conscience is totally gone, or it's seeped through my very bones. I hate to say that I think it's the latter, which would explain Freudward's absence.
"Edward, tell me one of your favorite times of us?" Bella asks as she snuggles into me. We are lying on the bed, and I've been holding her for quite some time.
This is what I hate. It's hard to create a memory that never was, but I do it for her.
"Do you remember the time I took you to the meadow?" I ask her softly.
She shakes her head.
"It's always been one of my favorite places. It's somewhere I always went to be alone, alone in my thoughts and just taking a break from the world. I had never shared it with anyone. Anyone that is until you came along." I don't know how, but this is spewing out of me easily.
"I took you there on an odd sunny day. I wanted to surprise you. We hiked through the woods. You got very tired, but you never complained. When we finally made our way out of the forest, it opened up into a beautiful meadow. Do you remember?" I ask, knowing full well that she doesn't.
"It sounds familiar," she answers, though it's obvious that her brain is playing tricks on her.
"The grass was a little tall, and there were purple and yellow wildflowers mixed in. You loved it. You thought it was beautiful. You told me how wonderful it was, and you spun around with your arms opened wide. I couldn't stop looking at you. You were so beautiful, and you still are." I'm getting very good at this.
I once would have been so proud of my deception that I would have wanted to give myself an award. Now, however, I find that I wish something like this had happened to me and that it would have happened with Bella.
"I had packed a blanket and some food. We ate, and then we lay on that blanket all afternoon until nightfall. Then we watched the stars twinkle in the sky. That was the day that I knew that I was in love with you."
These words are coming so easily to me now. I can feel them as if it really happened. I just wish it had. I wish I could take everything back. I treated her horribly, and she deserves so much more. I can't take back what I did, but I can try to implant happy memories that will, hopefully, make her feel much better.
"I think I loved you from the moment you first sat down next to me in biology. My world just suddenly revolved around you. It was like you were the sun. I couldn't stay away. And when you smiled at me … well …," she pauses embarrassed. "It made me feel butterflies deep within my body. I wanted to feel like that forever, and I have."
God, I would give anything for this to be true.
There's got to be something I can do? I don't want to lose her.
Carlisle insists that there's nothing he can do. He says it's too late, that the damage is too extensive, and an operation would only kill her sooner. From the research I've done, I know he's right.
I could change her. But at what cost would that be to her? She loathes the vampire that I am. Once she is changed, she would be healed and she would remember everything. I know she would not want to be a vampire even if it meant saving her life.
Can I do that? Can I leave her be? Can I not be selfish for once and give her what I know she would want?
I honestly don't know.
"Her time is getting closer," Carlisle says as he checks her vitals and administers some more medicine.
Bella's been sleeping a lot. When she wakes, it's only for a few minutes before she falls out again.
"Edward, don't change her," Carlisle says as he turns around from the bed to face me.
"Don't tell me what to do," I reply childishly.
"It's not what she would want. You know this." He shakes his head and looks down.
I look over at Bella as she sleeps rather peacefully. The medicine has really helped her pain. The heart monitor is steady right now, but not strong.
"It's my decision to make, not yours," I say as I glare at him.
"For once, just think about Bella. You need to let her go."
"How long does she have now?" I ask him as I ignore his last statement.
"Hours, maybe a day," he answers solemnly.
"You can leave now Carlisle. Thank you for your help," I dismiss him.
"Edward," he says as he puts his hand on my shoulder, "for once, just do the right thing."
"Leave." I close my eyes tightly willing him out the door.
He picks up his bag, sighs, and leaves.
I pace around the room for awhile, trying desperately to reach some conclusion … any conclusion. My efforts seem to be fruitless though as I cannot make up my mind. I keep flip flopping like a fish out of water.
She's been sleeping for several hours now, and I feel the urge to hold her. I gently slip into the bed beside her, careful of all the wires and tubes attached to her. I cuddle up to her backside and put my arm around her waist.
"Edward?" she asks groggily.
"Yes, I'm here," I say as I kiss the top of her head.
"I'm going to go to a beautiful place," she says and carefully turns over in my arms to face me.
Her faculties may not be all there, but she does seem to realize that she is dying.
"My Grams told me I have nothing to fear. I'm not scared Edward," she says as she strokes my cheek with her fingers.
She must have been dreaming of her grandmother again. She told me earlier that her grandmother keeps coming to her in her dreams.
I look down and sigh. I can't seem to look at her face right now.
"Don't be sad. Be happy for me. I'll be happy and well, and I'll be waiting for you."
I wish her mind would quit playing tricks on her now. I can't take much more. She believes us to be together. She doesn't remember me harming her, raping her, keeping her captive, and all the other horrible things I've done. I think it might just be easier if she were to continue hating me. I've never felt such happiness and turmoil all at once.
If there is a heaven and a hell, then she will definitely go to heaven, and I think I'm already in hell. I'm a monster, and I deserve no less than a monster's fate.
I don't think I can let her die. I don't want to lose her. Can I possibly make up for the things that I've done? Is there even the small possibility of a chance that she would want to be with me if I were to change her? Can she be happy as a vampire, or will she forever loathe her existence?
As I contemplate all these questions, Bella's grip on me slackens and her heartbeat begins to slow down. A small smile and sigh escapes her lips as her heartbeat begins to slow even more.
Now there is only the steady beep of the monitor as it begins to flat line.
But after all, I am a selfish bastard and I want another look at her body before she's covered up in the bed.
Why did she have to make him so selfish? I don't understand.
"You need to think of your family Bella. It would be just cruel if they saw you once more only for you to disappear again. You see you are mine now and I don't share. So, I'm your family now."
Great! She made me cruel too.
"Look my sweet, we can do this the easy way or the hard way, but make no mistake it will be my way."
She screamed loudly. Sobs came from deep within her throat and tears were pouring non-stop from her eyes. Now she had me even more turned on.
I can use her as my personal map. Yes, pinpointing areas to explore and then diving in to unchartered areas. I'm hard already just thinking about all the possibilities.
Now I'm a rapist?
Ding, ding, ding! Tell her what she's won Don!
I'm probably the sanest insane vampire she could meet. She's so lucky.
Such a sarcastic shit.
She's mine. She belongs to me.
I want to sink deep inside her again before I leave to hunt. Then she can recover while I'm gone before I take her again. What a fine gentleman I am!
I'm not going to become a fucking vampire princess. What's next? Braiding each other's hair and watching Lifetime movies? No fucking way!
Fuck! I've never had to plan so hard to be spontaneous in my existence!
I'm no hippie vampire. I don't go for the 'be free' and 'make love not war' crap. But I'm not against free love.
Ok, she did make me a little bit funny.
"Daddy's home!" I say with my head between the door and the door frame. I was giving her my best Jack Nicholson 'The Shining' look.
Damn, how cruel does she make me?
Yes, I've been nothing but a Saint. Statues could be built in my honor.
Besides, my halo is probably so bright now that it has to be hurting her eyes.
I'm a self worshipping, arrogant prick to boot.
What a fucking site! The cock monster wanted to set up a video camera for this, but I promised him that there will be repeat performances.
I do so much for that girl. She's so lucky.
I'm a fucking sex god. Oh, and my personality is damn right spectacular!
And Freudward? She named his conscience? Well, that's certainly different.
Bella, with my encouragement, has been writing for the past three years. She has already penned her first novel. It was very successful. She doesn't write for the money. She writes because she loves it. It's her escape.
But how could she write this shit? I mean it's good, but it's my name and hers. What was she thinking?
It's not that I don't like it. I do. I just hope she doesn't think of me this way.
Now she's just going to let her die? Why?
I close the laptop and go in search of Bella.
I find her in the living room cuddled up under an afghan and reading a book.
"Why did you use our names in your story?"
"I'm going to change them. It was just easier to write it out with our names." She answers without even looking up from her book.
She marks her place and looks up at me. "Writing a vampire story was hard. If I put our names as the main characters then it made it easier to write."
"I'm not following you."
"It didn't bother me so much emotionally as I wrote it because I know you would never treat me the way he treated her. I had to put myself in her place in order to write it, but if I made you the vampire then I could easily remember that the 'Bella' that I wrote wasn't really me. Does that make any sense?" She asks me, and I can tell she had a hard time explaining that.
"I guess so, but you are going to change the names, aren't you?" I certainly don't want anyone we know to read this and think I would ever treat her any kind of way the vampire Edward did.
"How about James and Victoria?" she asks me.
"Sounds better than Edward and Bella. Besides, I know a cruel dick named James, so the name is perfect," I say as I plop down beside her on the sofa.
"Tell me baby, what made you want to write a vampire story?" I ask as I nibble on her ear.
"I don't know. I guess because I've been …. ah, uh" she stops while I take her earlobe into my mouth.
"I … I've been reading a bunch of vampire books lately and thought I'd give a story my own spin," she answers breathily.
"Did you like it?" She looks up at me waiting for my reaction.
"Oh, you!" She grins and lightly swats at me.
"Like it … mmm, I thought it was to die for," I kid her as I pull her into my arms.
"I also like that you used us being biology lab partners and our meadow."
"I did have to draw something from real life, and those are my happiest memories. Well that, and marrying you, and of course, having your child," she says grinning wildly.
Bella and I did meet in high school our senior year. When she sat down next to me in biology I think I died and went to heaven. Two weeks later I got the nerve up to ask her out, and we've been together ever since.
The meadow is special to both of us. It is where we declared our love for one another. Months later we made love in that same meadow for the first time. It is also where I asked Bella to marry me. We still make a point to visit it often.
"What about me? Do I turn you on? Or does 'Edward the vampire' turn you on? Huh?" I nudge her playfully.
"I think I would take you over a selfish, arrogant, cruel vampire any day," she says as she gives me a quick kiss on the lips.
"Tell me though, why are you letting her die?" I ask her curiously. "Why doesn't he just turn her?"
"Because although it came a little too late, humanity finally reached him. His final act to Bella wasn't for himself but for her." She answers.
"Now enough about my story. I think it's time we showed each other how much we appreciate one another. What do you say?"
"I say you're absolutely right," I answer her and pull her so she's lying down on the sofa.
Thank God our relationship is healthy. I couldn't imagine what fictional Bella must have gone through, but at least I know that we have our 'Happily Ever After'.
~~ The End ~~
Thanks to my wonderful, beautiful, fantastic beta, tawelephant, for her never-ending patience, guidance, and love. I don't know what I do without you!