A/N: I just like the idea, okay? :) Hopefully it's not too absurd. Reviews are safe sex!!
Disclaimer:I do not own Harry Potter.
Top Sexiest Wizards of Great Britain
HARRY JAMES POTTER
Women's 'Chosen One'
Carol Simmons, Cosmopolitan correspondent
HARRY JAMES POTTER isn't your normal wizard. Barely eighteen, Harry has accomplished much more than many witches and wizards decades older than him, let alone than those his own age. After receiving his first Order of Merlin, first class for his lightning strike on You-Know-Who many months earlier, Harry has continued to face the world with high hopes for his future: he hopes to dedicate his life to 'fighting crime' as one of the Ministry's top Aurors. With all that he's done for us, who can doubt he'll do anything but?
HARRY isn't just about fighting crime—he's just a regular man, ready to live his life just as he's imagined. Despite his "in a relationship" status (unfortunately), Harry is too hard to resist for women out there! His sizzling personality is impeccable; enough for any one of us to desire a lunch date. His handsome features are enough to stop any woman in her stiletto heels. This is why Harry Potter is Cosmopolitan's 'Chosen One' for #1 on the TOP Sexiest Wizards of Great Britain: he's smart, he's strong (!!!), he has impeccable taste, and he has a body women want to tackle and have their dirty way with all week long.
COSMO: How's the Ministry of Magic building up?
HARRY POTTER: You know what, it's coming. I think this war, despite many negatives it possessed, brought some positives for the long run. We've been able to re-evaluate our government and its departments to fit more effectively with our society. I'm very pleased to be a part of this positive change. You've already seen many improvements, but I have a feeling there's bound to be more on the way soon.
C: And the addition of top-notch Aurors, like yourself. Tell me, Harry, do you work out?
HP: (laughs) I don't think I'm as good as everyone says I am, but I definitely hope to enforce the law as a new Auror in the department.
C: You're so modest! Have you always seen yourself as making such a positive difference on the world?
HP: To tell you the truth…not particularly. It wasn't until after [Albus] Dumbledore was killed did I come to the realization that I have a part in this war: to defeat Voldemort and help our world become a better place without him.
C: Certainly you knew what you were doing?
HP: I was seventeen years old. I hadn't even finished school! I had no idea how I was going to talk to girls or pass the next Potions exam, let alone defeat a Dark Wizard. Honestly, it was all for my uncanny ability to attract good luck and the companionship of my two best mates Ron [Weasley] and Hermione [Granger] the last year of the war.
C: Harry, tell us what it's like being in your shoes for a day without war in the air.
HP: What exactly do you want to know?
C: I assume you have a workout routine in the morning. You know, 'pumping iron' is what they call it these days.
HP: Well…I suppose so. I wake up, fancy myself a cup of coffee, and take a jog with my best mate Ron [Weasley] after reading the comics.
C: How do you drink your coffee?
HP: Black; anything but and I'll collapse.
C: Does your girlfriend share your mornings with you?
HP: Sometimes—I mean, she's finishing up school at Hogwarts for her last year, so I don't get to see her too much. But that's what makes a relationship tick; it's kind of like black coffee.
C: How so?
HP: How do I explain this…black coffee is just coffee. It is what it is. There are no substitutes or anything else to make it taste or appear better than it is. That's similar to a healthy relationship; there are no lies or cover-ups, just me and her. That sounded better in my head.
C: You're saying a healthy relationship is one with no substitutions; how are you and your girlfriend holding up? Any substitutions there?
HP: Ginny [Weasley] is just...Ginny. She's herself and no one but. This is why I'm attracted to her because she doesn't act, she just is. We're very close and this past year we've been together has been one of the highlights of my entire life.
C: Care to share any tips for the ladies out there when looking for a man?
HP: It's probably already been clear, but just be you. Men don't like women who are actresses. And vice versa, I suppose.
C: Anything else?
HP: Not really, I think the number one thing has already been said.
C: Last question: what is the one thing you want the world to know about you?
HP: I'm not a superhero, I'm just me. I know I tend to attract trouble, and I did single-handedly kill Voldemort, but I'm just a normal bloke ready to live my life like any of you.
"Tough luck, mate."
Ron couldn't stop laughing. One hand was clutching the folded-back cover of the magazine while the other was holding his stomach from bursting.
"It is not funny, Ron!" Harry snatched the magazine from Ron's hand, closing it so the cover was displayed.
"McCormack has the Quaffle, and he's flying down the field towards the goalposts…with all his teammates covered, can he make it?"
However, seeing the cover only made Ron laugh even harder than before. Gracing the cover of Cosmopolitan magazine was his best mate's (shirtless) picture. The words WOMEN'S 'CHOSEN ONE' bore underneath the picture of the 'roguish' Harry.
"…ooohh! Keeper Dietrich successfully blocked McCormack's attempts!"
"I didn't think it was that bad." Harry said, looking at the cover again. "Is it really that bad?"
"Blimey, Harry!" Ron breathed, calming down. "Just look at it! You look like a male pornographic star, not the youngest to ever become an Auror in history!" Ron turned back to the Quidditch field, looking through binoculars to gain a better view of the game.
"Dietrich passes it to teammate Tragresser, who shoots down the field and demonstrates an amazing pass upwards to Rolling!"
"I refuse to believe I look like I belong in porn." Harry scoffed.
"Only in that picture, mate." Ron chuckled. He leaned against the railing.
"…and McCormack steals the Quaffle from Rolling without wasting any time—"
"Oi! Did you see the way Westerfield hit that Bludger at McCormack? With the way things are going, the opposing team is going to be short more players than they guessed." Ron gripped the binoculars tighter.
"That's nice, Ron," Harry said. "But honestly! Is it really that bad?" he repeated, for once, not remotely interested in the Quidditch game ahead of him.
"Come off it Harry," Ron replied, his eyes never leaving the field. "It's not that bad."
"Ouch, it looks like McCormack has an injury from that Bludger, but he continues to speed to the goalposts—"
"Tell me what you really think, why don't you." Harry leaned against the railing next to Ron. The crowd around them went wild as one of the star Chasers scored another goal.
"Stop being a worrywart!" Ron yelled over the crowd. "You're starting to sound like a woman!"
Harry buried his face in his hands. "Oh, Merlin, what's come over me? Why did I agree to go in for an interview?"
"Because you're too nice to decline!" Ron said loudly so Harry could hear.
"I know!" Harry groaned, and then paused. "What do you think Ginny will think?"
Ron sniggered. "Are you kidding?"
"She's going to hate it." Harry stated.
"How is he going to redeem himself now after that one? Keep your eyes peeled for that Golden Snitch, folks—it's going to be a close game!"
"I doubt it, Harry; you talked about her for the second half of the interview!" Ron briefly put down the binoculars. "'Oh, Ginny is great! Sometimes she sleeps over and she's just like black coffee---oomph!" Harry smacked Ron in the stomach. "What was that bloody for?"
"For bloody making fun of me!" Harry said.
"Fine then; she's going to hate your bloody guts, hex you into oblivion, and then she's going to break up with you. Is that what you wanted to hear?" Ron put the binoculars back to his eyes again.
"Do you really think she'll do that?"
Ron shrugged nonchalantly.
"Bugger, she's going to break up with me!" Harry moaned into his hands. "How am I going to face her?"
The crowd winced loudly as a star Chaser was hit with a Beater bat and a Bludger at the same time, knocked unconscious, and was currently falling to the ground from over 700 feet in the air.
"Mate," Ron said, still staring at the field as emergency Healers carried the Chaser off the field on a stretcher. "You've faced death nearly your entire life, you can face Ginny."
"AND HE'S OUT OF THERE!"
Harry looked at the magazine again and inwardly groaned.
Harry placed his godson in a highchair he recently purchased for his own apartment. Every weekend (or whenever Andromeda needed him) Harry brought Teddy to his place to spend time with him. Little Teddy smiled at him without teeth and crazy blue hair. His little hands holding on to Harry's little finger.
"Teddy," Harry cooed. "What do you think of your Uncle Harry?"
Teddy looked at 'Uncle Harry,' then back at the finger he was holding.
"I take it you like to grab things, then?" Harry said, he summoned a baby spoon and food to the high chair. "Why don't you let go of Uncle Harry's finger and grab your spoon instead, Teddy?"
Teddy closed his brown eyes and opened them, giving Harry a start. Now the previously brown eyes were instead blue. He didn't let go of Harry's finger.
"Okay, then…" Harry took the spoon and scooped a bit of food, holding it out to Teddy to eat. "Try some mushed…er, something."
No use. Teddy blinked.
What was it Hermione tried to teach him again?
"Chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chug-a, Choo Choo!" Harry acted, moving the spoon so it looked like a train approaching Teddy's mouth. "Here comes the train, Teddy!" He moved the spoon to Teddy's mouth, but Teddy seemed to glue his mouth closed, and mushed vegetable were all over his cheeks. Harry sighed.
"Alright then, what about an airplane?"
Teddy didn't like the airplane either.
Harry sighed, wrenching his finger from Teddy's grip, who wasn't fazed by the sudden movement of his godfather and instead continued about his day staring at Harry struggling to feed him.
"Fine then!" Harry lifted Teddy out of the chair and balanced the little boy on his hip. "You can have ice cream this time, but don't tell your Grandma!" Harry put his finger to his lips in a sign of Shhh for Teddy. The little boy giggled and mimicked Harry, putting his small finger to his own mouth.
Harry scooped some chocolate ice cream into a bowl for the two of them to share. He gave Teddy a spoon of his own, and to his surprise, the little boy dug in right away at the frozen treat.
"Figures," Harry said to himself. "The second you're handed ice cream you decide to eat." Teddy merely giggled, getting chocolate ice cream all over, to which Harry said: "Lovely."
Harry decided to let Teddy finish the rest of the ice cream, and it was at that moment that Harry spotted the magazine on his kitchen table. He grabbed it.
"Do you see that, Teddy?" he cooed, brandishing the magazine cover for Teddy to see. "It's your Uncle Harry on a magazine!"
Teddy blinked from the magazine to Harry, from Harry to the magazine. He changed his hair flaming red.
"I knew you'd be proud!" Harry laughed, and then added: "Do you think your Aunt Ginny will like it?"
Teddy banged his spoon against his chair, laughing excitedly at the noise, banging harder each time.
"Excellent," Harry said dryly. "Explosions, just what I should expect of your Aunt Ginny."
Teddy laughed at his godfather's reaction.
"At least one of us thinks it's humorous."
(My porn star friend)
Don't slap me for that later, please. Anyway, I showed Hermione the magazine and she thought it was cute. (Can you believe that?) Definitely not porn star material in her opinion, though you know what I think of the matter already. She says to pass on to you that she's 'absolutely positive Ginny won't mind' about the magazine, so there's 'nothing for you to worry about one bit.' I add that she won't break up with you either.
Also, my mum says to invite you to this huge dinner at the Burrow tomorrow night round five. Don't worry, you haven't missed a birthday or anything—Mum just likes to cook for no reason now that we're all out of the house! Bring Teddy along, won't you? She'll like caring for a little one again.
P.S.: Ginny will be there too.
Harry arrived at the Burrow a little after five o'clock through Floo with Teddy in his arms and a feminine diaper bag on his shoulder. He coughed at the ash; Teddy laughed and clapped his hands in support of going through the fireplace again.
"Harry, dear! You've made it!" Mrs. Weasley rushed into the room. "And you've brought little Teddy too!" she took the little boy from Harry's arms, pinching his cheeks fondly.
"Thanks for the invite, Mrs. Weasley." Harry sincerely said, adjusting the diaper bag on his shoulder. "Sorry we're late, I, err, had to change Teddy before we left."
"Oh, not at all, not at all!" Mrs. Weasley was bouncing Teddy up and down now, making him laugh. "The others are upstairs doing Merlin knows what, why don't you go up and tell them to come down for dinner, hmm?"
Harry found Ron, Hermione, George, and Ginny in Ron's bedroom. They were all gathered around Ron's bed talking.
"Mrs. Weasley said dinner was ready." Harry said to the unaware group. All four of their heads snapped up to look at him in the doorway.
Hermione immediately stood up to hug Harry, who gladly returned it to his best friend.
"Harry! Glad you could make it!" she said. "I haven't seen you in ages!"
Harry grinned. "It's been a week, Hermione."
"Nice purse." George was smiling with that prankster flair, and it was then that Harry realized he had forgotten to leave the diaper bag downstairs.
"It's Teddy's diaper bag," he said quickly. "Definitely not a purse."
"Are you sure? I think the readers of Cosmopolitan magazine would have loved to hear this little detail about your life, Harry." Ginny piped. Ron sniggered.
"So, eh, you heard about that didn't you?" Harry said uneasily to his girlfriend.
"Heard about it?" she tilted her head back and laughed. "I read about it!"
"I read it too, Harry!" Hermione cut in. "I thought your interview was fabulous!"
"Me too," George cut in. "I especially like the pull-out poster of your 'sexy bod' to hang on my wall."
"My favorite part was the inclusion of the lightning bolt scar tattoos!" Ron said. "I have some; we should stick one on Teddy!"
Hermione smacked Ron on the shoulder, earning an "Ow! Whot?" from Ron.
"I would have expected them to include the Hungarian Horntail tattoo in there," Ginny pouted. "But I guess you must keep up with public appearances and all…"
"You've caught me," Harry said, pulling Ginny into his side, his arm around her waist. She leaned into him and gave him a peck on the cheek. "I can't risk anyone knowing about the other tattoos as well."
"Oh, shoot, Harry!" Ginny teased. "Did you just say that out loud?"
"Bugger, I'd forgotten about those!" he grinned.
"At least you didn't tell them about the one on your---"
"Ginny! Too much information for us to handle!" Hermione interrupted. "Let's all go downstairs; Harry, you said dinner was ready?"
Harry nodded in confirmation and at once the Weasley boys and Hermione exited the room, leaving Ginny and Harry alone in Ron's room. Ginny immediately threw her arms around his neck and kissed him, Harry gladly returning.
"What was that for?" Harry asked when they ended the kiss, their foreheads and noses touching.
"I'm just glad to see you, is all," Ginny said nonchalantly. Pause. "And the fact you actually talked about me in your interview!"
"Oh, Harry, stop being so modest." Ginny pecked his lips. "It was incredibly sweet of you to say what you said about me in there."
"Mhmm." She pecked his lips once more. "I especially liked the part where you said being together has been the highlight of your life."
"It has, Ginny." Harry replied truthfully. "I didn't lie when I said that."
"I know you didn't." she said, pulling him in for another kiss. "I also liked the pull-out poster, it's on my wall back at Hogwarts."
He pulled back in horror. "You didn't."
She grinned. "I did. And I about killed that fourth year cow Sarah Parker for hanging one up in her room! You'd be proud."
Harry hesitated, and then sighed in relief. "So you're not going to hex me into oblivion about it?"
Ginny tilted her head to the side, her hair bobbing. "Nah, I think I'll keep you fully intact."
"You're not mad?"
Ginny laughed. "Are you kidding? I'm anything but!"
"You're very verbal today, Harry." Ginny commented sarcastically. "I'm so proud of you!" she squeezed his cheek with her hand.
As they descended hand-in-hand, Harry asked one question of Ginny. "Did you read the last part of the article beneath the interview?"
Ginny squeezed his hand and winked at him. "Of course I did, Harry, I especially loved their concluding sentence."
"Harry Potter: the Man who women want to shag." She said innocently. "It was appropriate, considering the facts and all."
Harry raised an eyebrow. "Why was it appropriate again?"
Ginny laughed. "Harry, would you care to show me around your new apartment tonight?"