Title: Angels and Monsters in 15 minutes

Author: Vorobey008

Genre: Parody

Raiting: PG-13?

Word count: 1091

Spoilers: 3x05 Angels and Monsters

Summary: missed the 3х05 ep? Catch up!

A/N: inspired by hymenchan and m15m LJ Community. Translated by sweet_babymomma. Beta'd by kathrynthegr8 and boonies (thank you! thank you! thank you!)

A/N2: should I translate some more episodes? You tell me.

Previously on Heroes...

Angela: Where is the second part of the formula?

Hiro: Stolen.

Angela: We need to find the thief!

Hiro: Please let me find him!

Angela: Hmm... Let me think... Well... Since noone else accepted this stupid mission... OK! Go!


Future!Sylar: My power is not only about understanding how things work... It's also about the HUNGER! I couldn't control it and it turned me into a sex god with a panty-melting stare...

Peter *is interested*

Future!Sylar: Now you are the same as me, BROTHER!


"Angels & Monsters"

Nathan's apartment

Ghost!Linderman: Got milk?

Nathan: Want some?

Ghost!Linderman: Naaah!

Nathan: A-ha! I knew it! You're a ghost! Only ghosts wouldn't want a glass of milk in the middle of the night!

Ghost!Linderman *sighs* Yeah, yeah, you're right, have a cookie.

Nathan: YES! Now tell me something... How did you know that that crazy chick would want to jump from the bridge?

Ghost!Linderman: You mean Tracy?

Nathan: Niki, Tracy... Whatever! They look like clones anyway. And what are you doing here?

Ghost!Linderman: Moses saw a burning bush. Mary heard the angel. God came to Samuel in his dreams...

Nathan: Got it. Sylar's got a power, Peter's got his own cheerleader, and I get a walking dead guy who quotes the Bible. Damn you, special effects crew!
Tracy: Nathan? Who are you talking to?

Nathan: I'm talking to a fridge, honey!

Tracy: *to herself* Alright, he's a psycho. But at least the man is not a drunk and has a career! *turns to the fridge* Hi! I'm Tracy Strauss! Nice to meet you!

Level 5

Peter *pushes Sylar against the wall*

Peter/Sylar shippers: Oh come on you guys! You know you wanna do it!

Sylar: Now you've got my hunger... and... MY PAJAMA PANTS?!

Peter: I'll never dress the way you do!

Sylar: Too late... BROTHER!

Peter: NOOOO! Your dressing skills suck! *breaks Sylar's neck*

*enters Angela*

Angela: Peter, WTF?!

Peter: You promised me a puppy and what have I get now? ANOTHER BROTHER?!

Angela *wants to hide*

Peter: BRAIIINS! *starts cutting into Mommy's head*

Bennets' (mad)house

Sandra *silently curses to herself*

Meredith: What's the matter?

Sandra: My husband's gone, Mr Muggles is shedding its coat, and my son... what's his name again?.. Never mind. What really worries me is that Claire forgot to turn on her phone again! Such a screwup, that girl!

Meredith: She obviously took after her mother!

Sandra: What was that – an insult or a self-abuse?.. Anyway, we have to do something! What if Claire went to these monsters! *hands Meredith a pack of files*

Meredith *takes one of the files* Hey, I know this guy! And, what's more important, he lives just around the corner. I won't be able to go far in those pumps I always wear! I'll go get him!

Sandra: I'm coming with you!

Meredith: Do you know Kung-Fu?

Sandra: No...

Meredith: Well then, sit here AND LEARN IT!

Noah, Sylar and The Apple in the car

The Apple: Bite me Sylar!.. Oh yeah that's it!.. I'm so sweet and ripe – just like that jailbait cheerleader... what is her name?

Sylaire shippers: CLAIRE!!!

The Apple: Blaire? Whatever! Sylar, baby... Mark me, make me yours... Get straight to my core...

Sylar *is trying to find some kind of classic rock fm on the radio*

Noah *is talking through his clenched teeth* When you tried to kill my wife back in season 1, I swallowed it... When I read in Sylar/Claire community WHAT you've done to my Claire-Bear, I nearly ca... died! But I stomached it! BUT NOW YOU GOT ME! HANDS OFF MY RADIO! I MEAN IT!

Sylar *raising his eyebrow of doom* Actually I didn't even touch it...

Noah: AGHRRRR!!!

The Apple: Shut up, Noah! Don't you see you're distracting him? *to Sylar* Don't listen to him honey and, what's more important, don't talk! EAT! You haven't finished with me yet...

Isaac's ex-loft -- now Mohinder's lab.

Mohinder *is looking at his back covered with god-knows-what* It could be some side effects of the formula... Or maybe I should take a shower every once in a while.

*enters Maya, dressed skankier than ever*

Maya: I heard that your neighbour's lost...

Mohinder: You HEARD him? Did he scream THAT loud?

Maya *notices blood on the floor* Oh what a mess! I better go before you asked me to wash the floor! *leaves looking disturbed, as if it wasn't her who killed more people than Sylar and The Company put together*

House of the Black Hole Man (BHM)

Claire and BHM *are talking*

Claire: You are so boring! Do you play strip poker?

*enters Noah*

Noah: CLAIRE?!

Claire: DAD?!

BHM: What? Did you set me up? *hides behind Claire*

Hero!Sylar: Let her go!

Sylaire shippers: You heard him!

Claire: Sylar?

Sylar: Claire?

Claire: Dad, what is HE doing here?

BHM: Can I have some attention please?

Noah: Let her go, CANFIELD!

Viewers: Now we know his name! Yay!

Canfield: I can make black holes! Check this out! *makes a black hole and disappears*

Sylar: I have powers too and they are better than yours! *disappears*



Sylar *reappears and saves the screaming blonde*

Claire *is looking as if she's ready to bite her hand touched by Sylar right off*

Noah *seems torn between saying 'Don't touch her you son of a bitch!' and 'God bless you my children'* AGRHHHH!

Level 5

Peter *is resting in a cell in Primatech with a tube up his nose*

Nathan: What's up with Peter?

Angela: Who's Peter?

Nathan: He's your son! Here he is!

Angela: Ah, that son... I put him in a coma.

Nathan: WHAT? Why?

Angela: And what did you expect? Should I have spanked and cornered him? A good mother would never hit her child! She might send him to his death but spanking is out of the question!

In the amusement park

Noah: Canfield, kill Sylar!

Claire: No! I want to kill him MYSELF!

Canfield *is crying* You're so evil! *disappears*

In Noah's car

Noah: I did what I had to do blah-blah-blah for you blah-blah-blah, Claire-bear!

Sylar *from the back seat* I'm still here! Your father's lying, Claire!

Noah: Have you heard anything?

Claire: No!

Noah: Let's make out!

Sylar: Ew! Gross!

Bennets' (mad)house

Sandra: I'm so so happy that Meredith found you!

Claire: Meredith?! Damn it! Someone's in trouble again!

To be continued...