Title: 3x19 - Shades of Gray Parody.

Author: Vorobey008

Genre: Parody

Рейтинг: R

Bennets' (hell's)kitchen

CLAIRE: *peeks into the microwave* Popcorn, where are you?

DOYLE: Er... I'm here.

CLAIRE: WTF?

VIEWERS *are confused* He confronted Sylar and is still alive. How's that even possible? Should we ship Sylar/Doyle now?!

DOYLE: Hello, Barbie!

CLAIRE: Hello, Ken... I mean, get the hell outta here! And give me my popcorn back!

DOYLE: Someone I don't know texted me that you'd save me.

CLAIRE: So?!

DOYLE: Well, save me.

CLAIRE: Do not want.

*enters Sandra*

SANDRA: Claire, what took you so long... HOLY SHIT! DOYLE! HANDS OFF MY POPCORN, NOW!

DOYLE: You greedy-guts! *leaves crying*

Washington DC. Evil!Nathan headquarters.

NATHAN: Blah-blah-blah, I'm your boss!

DANKO: Blah-blah-blah, I don't care!

NATHAN: Okay. Are you keeping tabs on Parkman?

DANKO: As closely as if he were my son.

NATHAN: So why is he standing in front of the US Capitol with a bomb attached to his chest?!

DANKO: Well... I never wanted one.

Washington DC, near the Capitol.

MATT: This is not my vest! See? Its color doesn't match my eyes!

THE TEAM: You look great!

*enters Nathan*

NATHAN: Take this vest off! It makes you look fat.

MATT: *to the SWAT* Liars! *to Nathan* I'm tangled in the wires! I wonder who designed this vest...



NATHAN: Let's pull one of them out.

MATT: Which one?.. Oh, I know! Why don't we ask the bomb squad?

NATHAN: No, this is not cool. Let's have you read their mind!

MATT: *is reading their mind*

De-miner#1: This silly brain-basket fits too tightly...

De-miner#2: This Petrelli is just ADORABLE! I totally have to ask him out!

De-miner#3: How much longer are you going to space out? Blow up already! Otherwise I'll miss the «American Idol» finale!

De-miner#4: Oh god, I knew it. Here we go again: «the red wire or the black wire»?

MATT: Red or black? Red or black? Red or black????

NATHAN: Let's pull out... the white one.

Samson Gray's dump

SYLAR: Hello?

SAMSON: Postman?

SYLAR: Even better! I'm your son.

SAMSON: What do you want? You're distracting me from rabbit murder, so be quick.

SYLAR: I'm gonna kill you.

SAMSON *turns around to show him a tube up his nose and an oxygen tank under his arm* Huh! Too late!

Washington DC, Evil!Nathan headquarters.

DANKO: I'm not even going to deny that I was the one who attached that bomb to Parkman's chest. That's how much I disrespect you!

NATHAN: You screwed up, asshole! I'll tell the President on you.

DANKO: Try it – and I'll play this tape for him. *turns on the record-player*

TRACY'S VOICE: You're one of us, Nathan! One of us!

NATHAN: Don't know what you're talking about *flies away*

Tanning salon

DANKO: You said: «Nathan, you're one of us». What did you mean exactly?

TRACY: Oh, nothing! We go to the same knitting circle together. *winks into the camera*

DANKO: Damn these Petrellis! How do they do that? He chained her to the chair and she's still trying to protect him!

Costa Verde, California. Sam's Comics Shop.


A BESPECTACLED GUY (ABG): Do you have any experience in the sphere of the disposal of goods? [I'm not sure what he's asking here.]

CLAIRE: I... buy?

ABG: Can you work on Wednesdays?

CLAIRE: Wednesdays?

ABG: That's right. It's a day between Tuesday and Thursday. It was devoted to Mercury in ancient Rome. In southern Europe, Mercury bore the name of Odin – therefore its English and Dutch names. In the countries where Sunday was the first day of the week Wednesday was right in its middle – and that's the etymology of its Russian and German versions...

CLAIRE: OMG! I think I better be going...

ABG: FREEZE! You got the job.

CLAIRE *is happy*

Samson Gray's dump

SAMSON: Are you still here? *a heartbreaking cough*

SYLAR: Dad, that's disgusting! How could you become this way? You were a KILLER and just look at you now! You look like that crazy geezer from a Clint Eastwood movie (.com/watch?v=hgFTKuWWYhQ)!

SAMSON: Stop whining! Check this out! *charms a rabbit with whistling*

SYLAR: This is so cool!

SAMSON: So. Do you want to talk some more or do you want to kill the rabbit?

SYLAR *kills the rabbit*

*children's crying and satanists' roaring are heard offscreen*

Manhattan. A fancy restaurant.

DANKO *is watching Angela suck out an oyster*

ANGELA: Do you know what le cunnilingus is?

DANKO: Le cunni... what?!

ANGELA: I'll show you. Well, this oyster stands for...

DANKO: I think I'm getting the idea. So, what is Nathan's power?

ANGELA: ...stands for Danko. *devours another oyster*

DANKO: Good-bye, Mrs. Petrelli! *leaves hurriedly*

ANGELA: Nathan's got none! *to the waiter* Do you know what le cunnilingus is?

Samson Gray's dump

SAMSON: People=shit.

SYLAR: Says who?

SAMSON: Corey Taylor from Slipknot.

SYLAR: I'm everything you'll never be. *cuts his hand and the cut heals*

SAMSON *is jealous*

SYLAR: Watcha gonna do?

SAMSON: It isn't like I wanna sift through the decay, I feel like a wound, like I got a f***in' gun against my head, you live when I'm dead! *nails his son on the wall and whistles a lullaby* People=shit, people=shit...

(in a few moments)

SYLAR *wakes up* What do you want from me?

SAMSON *is cutting into his head* I wanna leave without a trace, cuz I don't wanna die in this place!

SYLAR *pulls the arrow out of his chest* Eat this!

SAMSON *is afraid* Whatcha gonna do?

SYLAR: None of your business. Everybody hates me now, so f**k it. Blood's on my face and my hands, and I... I... I'm leaving and taking the stuffed rabbit with me.

Washington DC, Evil!Nathan headquarters.

NATHAN: You're fired!

DANKO *is hurt*

NATHAN: I think I better talk to you with my back facing the glass wall.

DANKO: Good idea, Senator! Now take a walk down this skyscraper! *throws Nathan through the glass wall*

NATHAN: I believe I can flyyyyyyy....

To be continued...