Author's Note: Evangelion belongs to Gainax and Chester A. Bum belongs to Douglas Walker (aka That Guy with the Glasses) respectfully. If time allows, go watch more of the Bum's hilarious movie reviews.
Side note: Please do excuse me, but I highly respect Michael Jackson and his wonderful music. I know I really shouldn't be poking fun of him around this time especially, but it's very mild to say the least.
R.I.P. Michael, we'll always miss you.
And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum.
The End of Evangelion
"OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! There's this kid, named Shinji, and he's HILARIOUS!"
"Just kidding. Actually, he's manic depressive, angst-stricken and loves masturbating over hospital patients…kind of like me! I masturbate all the time in front of sexy billboards. Seven times a week…okay, five. Mondays to Fridays, not on weekends."
"So Shinji has a father called Gendo, who runs a secret organization called Nerv, which is backed up by ANOTHER secret organization called Seele, which in fact is run by a bunch of giant talking dominos."
"See, I knew Domino's Pizza was behind this! I knew some fiendish corporation would rise up one day and dominate the world. I tried to warn you people not to take orders from them, but you never listened!"
"So Domino's Pizza dispatches its secret special force of strategically trained deliverymen to assault Nerv's headquarters. And believe me, you do not want to mess around with these guys. They will shoot you dead on sight and take no prisoners…unless maybe you leave them a nice tip. I'm not sure."
"In Nerv, there's this trio of computer technicians, who love to constantly panic. One is like-
"Oh, no! The enemies are breaking through our defense barriers!"
"And the other's like-"
"Now they're breaking through our protection shields!"
"Then the other's like-"
"Now they're destroying our missile defense systems!"
"So one is like-"
"Now they're in our headquarters!"
"And the other's like-"
"Now they're running through our corridors!"
"Then the other's like-"
"Now they're shooting at us!"
"It goes on and on and on! They remind of the Three Stooges because they're so funny! One's a comic book geek, one's a stereotypical metalhead and one's…an undercover lesbian? She spends the whole movie hiding under her control panel getting nauseated. This is bull crap! What kind of idiot organization would hire these goofballs for such a responsible job? I bet none of them graduated from college like I did! Yes, even I'm a better qualified computer wizard than all of them combined! I got my Master's degree spending the whole time studying in my box! You want proof?" The Bum waved a torn and crumpled piece of paper in his hands, that looked as if it had been written just recently, as the ink appeared to be wet. "See? My name's right there!"
"So anyway, the operations officer called Misato, decides to launch one of their huge fighting robots, called Evas, to combat against Domino's evil forces. But there's only one pilot available. Her name's Asuka, and she's completely catatonic! I'm not kidding…they put her into her Eva and she sinks right down to the bottom of the sea."
"Where's Shinji? He's still wallowing in self pity as if Murky Dismal had cast a permanent gloom spell on him. But Misato comes to his rescue before the evil deliverymen zap him into a pizza delivery boy."
"Then…there follows this weird dialog and some random flashbacks…but then Asuka finally comes to her senses and RISES out from the sea with her Eva, for some MAJOR ASS KICKING!"
"But just when it looks like she's saved the day, Domino's Pizza unleashes their newest secret weapon: a group of vile, man-eating, marshmallow monsters…that can fly! Their names are Mike, Carol, Marcia, Greg, Jan, Peter, Cindy, Bobby and Alice. I like to call them the Scary Bunch."
"So it turns out that Asuka's no match and she ends up getting savagely dismembered."
"HOORA-oh…that's not good."
"Meanwhile, Misato's dragging Shinji over to his Eva, until they are followed by the evil deliverymen. She takes a nasty shot, gives Shinji the confidence he needs and forces him to continue on without her…but not before giving him a nice French kiss."
"Quick, somebody call a cop! There's a woman kissing a young boy here, and he's only fourteen! That sick pedophile ought to be locked up in a cell right next to Mary Kay Letourneau!"
"Sadly though, she's no longer in prison."
"But anyway, Gendo's with this naked chick clone called Rei, and she's FREAKING HOT! I wonder how much they sell them for on Amazon or eBay. I'll be needing a bigger box if I get one of those. Someone please send me a link, my account name is ShakeYourBumBumChester23985438758594668-"
"So Gendo wants to initiate this HUGE project called Instrumentality, whatever that is. But Ritsuko, one of his hot-legged lab workers, tries to stop him by self-destructing the entire place. She's like-"
"I won't let you do this. I'm going to blow us all up into smithereens!"
"And he says-"
"Oh no, you won't."
"And she's like-"
"Oh, yes I will…click! Click, click, click!"
"And she falls into this big pool of carrot juice! I sometimes wonder why it couldn't be a big bowl of fruit punch with its own synchronized swimming team."
"After Shinji is done with more sulking and whining, he gets into his Eva, only to learn that Asuka's already dead! And he starts screaming his lungs out, like he'd just seen Michael Jackson's face flash before his very eyes!"
"AAAHHH! AAAHHH! AAAHHH!"
"While Shinji continues his screaming opera, Gendo sticks his perverted hand into one of Rei's boobies! Yes, INTO it! I wish I could stick my hand into some girl's boobies, because that way, we'll always be together…or else I'll rip her heart out!"
"But the plan backfires and Gendo's arm gets devoured by Rei's booby! Seriously…I was not dreaming and I was not taking any form of drugs. This REALLY happened."
"So Rei bonds with this massive alien who looks a lot like Jesus!"
"Well, half of Him at least."
"Actually, not at all. It's just crucified to a cross bearing some religious, philosophical or symbolic significance. I don't know, you figure it out."
"After the bonding is complete, Rei transforms into this ENORMOUS COSMIC BEING, who looks just like an offspring between Ginormica and Dr. Manhattan!"
"And all the while, Shinji's still screaming away."
"AAAHHH! AAAHHH! AAAHHH!"
"God, if he keeps this up, he could out stage any contestant on America's Got Talent, or Britain's Got Talent for that chance! Susan Boyle couldn't scream in as much anguish as him, even right after she lost on that show! My votes go out to Shinji in ANY competition!"
"And then…well…so now…you see…this thing…oh, how can I explain this? Give me a moment."
"So um," The Bum was writing on his notepad, wearing glasses and trying to figure out what happened next in the movie. "there're more strange dialogs, monologs, ass-ologs. More random flashbacks and cut-scenes…a floating head of a panda…an upside-down chicken mask…a heavily-armed clown…Michael Jackson…"
The Bum was drawing alien symbols and calculating mathematical equations on a chalk board, still clueless about the rest of the movie. "So there are these Rei clones appearing spontaneously…um, whoever they touch turns into carrot juice…then there are some people walking into a theatre…and oh yeah, Michael Jackson."
"I think I recall a huge melon floating somewhere around in space…or was that a fetus enclosed in a transparent orb of light? Oops, silly me! Wrong movie!"
The next morning…
"So it all ends with Shinji and a resurrected Asuka relaxing by a sea of carrot juice after a hard day's work, even though they didn't save the world. Shinji then strangles Asuka and breaks down into tears after facing facts that he'll never get laid by Misato!"
"Finally, Asuka says something really cryptic…which I don't think anyone really cares about..."
"So let's review this…there's an Eva pilot who has a fetish on exposed hospital patients, an officer who likes to have sex with young boys and a Lieutenant who's secretly a lesbian working in a special agency."
"WHAT KIND OF PSYCHOTIC SCREWBALL WROTE THIS SCRIPT?! I bet the entire animation staff were high on drugs during the entire production! Even I could have made a better movie than them!"
"And do you know what would have made this movie better?"
"RAINBOW BRITE! Where the hell was Rainbow Brite in this movie? She would have solved everything in the twink of an eye! She could have stopped those nasty deliverymen with their heavy guns and bullets because she's bulletproof and indestructible, like Superman! She could have used her magic Star Sprinkles on those marshmallow monsters before they dismembered Asuka, and turn them into gentle loving vegetarians! Why couldn't she have handed her Color Belt over to Shinji to give him the hope and strength he needed to battle Domino's Pizza and thwart their evil plans from destroying the world?"
"Face it, we need Rainbow Brite and her multi-colored friends!"
"This is Chester A. Bum saying...CHANGE! YOU GOT CHANGE?! AW, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT, WILL YA?! COME ON, CHANGE!"
Seriously though, 'The End of Evangelion' was…um, weird.
"…I need to see a doctor. I hear Shinji screaming in my ears and I see visions of naked Rei clones doing synchronized swimming in my dreams. That can't be good."