Summary: Because no matter how frustrated he gets, no matter how annoyed she makes him, Freddie Benson misses the screaming and the fighting. He misses the way he loves her. Seddie oneshot
Basically, this is based off of Taylor Swift's 'The Way I Loved You'. While listening to it for the ten thousanth time, it just sort of clicked in my head that it fits Freddie and Sam perfectly, if you change the perspectives. So yes. :) This oneshot was born.
Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly.
iMiss The Way I Loved You
Freddie Benson has an impeccable memory. He remembers the dates of people's birthdays, remembers the day his father left like it was yesterday, remembers random things he reads in history books, remembers each and every one of his birthdays to the detail of knowing what he wore that day, remembers recipes, remembers fun times with his friends. But most importantly, Freddie Benson remembers each and every moment he's ever spent with Samantha Puckett.
And he wants those moments back more than ever.
Sam sits next to him, and his senses go on high. He feels his heart pound in his chest and all the blood rush to his head. She entwines her fingers with his, resting her head on his shoulder.
"Sorry for calling you a geek with a crazy mom who will never ever get a girl and making you think that I was going to dump you...again." she mumbles after taking a deep breath. He chuckles, looking out into the night sky. The breeze brushes against his cheek, the stars twinkle down onto them.
"Sorry for saying that you're a stubborn mule who can't let anyone love her." he mutters back, kissing the top of her head. She laughs.
"I am pretty stubborn."
"And I am a geek."
Sam leans up and presses her lips to his fiercely, maneuvering herself to sit on his lap, legs wrapped around his waist and fingers threading through his hair. Freddie lets his arms wrap tightly around her waist, kissing back with just as much emotion.
"I love you." she whispers in his ear as his lips leave hers to find the soft skin of her neck.
"I love you more." he says against her neck, kissing it softly.
I yank myself from my reverie, glancing quickly at the watch on my wrist. 8:27, so I decide to head on over. I grab my car keys, leaving my apartment only to knock on the door in front of me.
Carly Shay is sensible, incredible, and instantly made me the envy of all my single friends. She smiles her radiant smile and compliments me when she opens the door (on time as always), brown eyes full of innocence, and it's like I shouldn't be asking for anything better.
"Bye Spence!" She yells into her apartment before closing the door with the hand unoccupied by mine. As we walk to the lobby, she talks about her day, but I'm too busy captivated by how her hand seems so awkward in mine to listen to what she's saying. I simply nod and smile every now and then, laugh when she does. I let her lead me to my car, and I open the door for her. She thanks me politely, as she always does. When I slide into the driver's spot, I look over at her. Her brown hair is slightly waved, light make up adorning her face, a nice pick shirt on paired with light skinny jeans.
"You look beautiful tonight." I comment absent-mindedly, secretly thinking about how much I prefer blonde hair and blue eyes. She giggles, looking away shly.
And I put the car in drive, feeling perfectly fine.
"You can't open up to anyone, Sam! You're just this closed off wall that I can't break into. How do you expect me to ever love you if you don't let me?!" He's screaming, yelling, oh-so-very frustrated. He can't take it anymore.
Her electric blue eyes flash with hurt for a single moment before raw determination takes its rightful spot. "You can't expect me to just open up instantly, Freddie! I've gone my whole life taking care of myself, trusting no one, making my own life. I had to build up these walls before I got hurt. You really expect me to just tear them down the second you ask me to? I can't do that, and you shouldn't even ask me to!"
Sam is stubborn, but so is Freddie. They go back and forth, bicker, fight, yell, scream. It's their routine by now. Sometimes, sometimes Freddie feels like giving up. All they do is fight anyhow. What's the point?
The point is that I love you.
"Sorry, what did you say?" Carly asked, so innocent. I cough, not realizing I'd said anything out loud until she'd said something.
"Nothing." I say, and she giggles.
"Oh, my bad. Anyway..." She continues her story all the way to the restaurant for their late night dinner, through the seating, and until we have our food. I make comments sparsely, but don't feel in the mood to say much. My mind is elsewhere, in places it shouldn't be.
We're halfway through dinner before she decides to say something about it.
"Are you feeling okay, Freddie?"
"Of course. I'm with you, aren't I?" Carly laughs, but Sam would have hated that comment.
I mentally kick myself for thinking about her while I'm on a date with her best friend.
The beautiful brunette in front of me is content with my answer and leaves it at that. Of course she doesn't pry. She never will. She respects my space when I need it, just like a good girlfriend does.
The date goes just as planned. We go from dinner to a cheesy romance flick that she eats up like spaghetti tacos, and I guess I'm just happy that she is. She gushes about the movie the whole way back to our apartments, me only commenting every now and then. She likes to talk...a lot.
"Well, here we are." I mumble, and she gives me a small smile.
"Bye, Freddie." She says, leaning in and pressing her lips to hers. I kiss back, but it feels so empty I can barely stand it; we pull apart after only a few seconds.
"Bye, Carls." I mutter, turning to open my door. Before my hand can even reach the doorknob, however, it swings open to reveal my mom, looking ecstatic.
"Carly! Freddie! You're back! Why don't you both come inside for a moment. I just made some cucumber puffs!" she exclaims, a bright smile on her face. I want to tell her no, that she hates my girlfriend. But then I realize my girlfriend is Carly and that my mom loves her. Before I can say anything, Carly's nodding enthusiastically, grabbing my hand, and yanking me into the living room.
The chatting lasts for what seems like hours, but is only roughly one in reality. They talk and talk, just like old friends, and I try and pretend this is what I want. I look at Carly, and I see this charming, endearing girl whom everyone loves. I look at her, and I feel comfortable. I don't have to worry about her next big blow up or stepping in on her bad side because she doesn't have one.
So I smile at her to reassure her of my devotion...when really...in the back of my mind, a voice is telling me that I'm reassuring myself.
"Don't lie to me, Freddie! You still like her, you always have, and you always will!" Sam's screams are even louder than the rain pelting on the side of the house as she accuses him again and again, the tears beginning in her eyes. He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"I don't like her, Sam! I love you!" He's so frustrated, so done with this. "Everything is a roller coaster with you. One second we're having a perfectly good time and the next you're screaming at me that I still like Carly. I'm over Carly, Sam. I've never even come close to loving her as much as I love you!"
"Freddie, do not give me that bull. I know you better than you know yourself. I know when you're lying, and you're lying right now!" He opens his mouth to say something, but she turns her back and leaves her house, slamming the door behind her. Freddie lets out an exasperated groan as he follows her out into the pouring rain. It's easy to catch up with her (she always wants to be caught), and he grabs her arm, turning her around. He stares intently into her storming blue eyes, electrifying even when they're this dark blue. He pushes a strand of wet blonde hair from her cheek, instantly leaning down and crashing his lips against hers.
Her arms wrap around his neck, immediately leading her fingers to tangle in his dark brown hair that's already soaked. His hands trail themselves up and down her spine before settling on her hips, slipping gently up the thin fabric of her wet t-shirt to stroke the tanned skin underneath. Freddie detaches his lips from hers, kissing her jawline softly, all the way down to the spot just below her ear where he kisses roughly. A small gasp escapes her lips, pleasantly amazed he knows the spot that makes her knees go weak. In a swift movement, standing there in the middle of the road in the pouring rain, he lifts Sam up and she wraps her legs around his waist, letting him spin her around quickly with his face pressed to her neck. She laughs out loud, tilting her head back and catching the rain with her tongue. His arms are snaked around her waist, supporting her in the air as he captures her lips again.
He needs her to understand just how much he loves her.
"Thank you so much, Mrs. Benson. This has really been fun!" Carly says, standing up and offering my mom a hug she gladly takes.
"Oh it's my pleasure, Carly. You know you're welcome any time." She's positively beaming, and I know why she's so happy with her. Carly is perfect...for my mother.
But sitting there in that living room, not being able to think about anything besides Sam and the way it feels to have her in my arms, Sam and the way it feels to have her lips crash against mine, Sam and the way it feels to be electrocuted every time I touch her, Sam and the way I loved her...still love her...I know that Carly isn't the one I belong with. She never was.
"I'll walk you out, Carly." I say quietly, following her out the door. We stand in the hallway awkwardly because she knows I want to say something and I can't find the words.
"You still love her." she whispers, a small, sad smile on her lips. It's not at all a question, but a statement. There's tears in her big brown eyes and I wish I could tell it's her that I love...but I can't lie again. I sigh and run a hand through my hair.
"Yeah. I do." I mumble. She nods, sniffling a bit.
"I always knew you did. I think there was just a part of me that didn't want to believe it." She tells me, biting her lip. "She's lucky, you know. And if she wasn't my best friend, I'd totally fight for you right now. But she is, and you two belong with each other. Everyone knows it."
"I'm really sorry, Carls." I attempt lamely, knowing it doesn't mean anything.
"I know you are." She presses a quick, small kiss to my cheek. "Go get her, Freddie."
I smile. "Thanks, Carly."
"You don't have to lie to me anymore." There's tears streaming down her face, her blue eyes dull. "You still have feelings for her, and I'm just holding you back."
"That's not it, Sam. I just can't fight with you anymore. I can't be on this roller coaster of a relationship anymore. Who are we kidding? We knew from the start that it wasn't going to work." He attempts to make the blunt hurt a little less, but it's a geek shattering her heart and it'll hurt like hell regardless.
She offers the smallest of smiles through her tears. "Best of luck, Fredward."
And she closes the door in his face.
The pebble makes a tiny 'clink' noise as it hits the glass of the window. I take another and repeat the process, throwing pebble after pebble until the window opens and her head pops out.
"Benson, what the hell are you doing?" She hisses. Man I've missed the venom in her voice.
"Come here!" I whisper-yell. She scoffs.
"You're crazy if you think I'm coming down there."
"If you don't come down here, I'm going to have to come up there."
"Right. And how do you think you're going to do that?"
I shrug. "Really wanna find out?"
Sam bites her bottom lip in the way that makes me want to kiss her right then and there. She finally sighs.
"Fine. I'll be down in just a minute."
"Do you want to go out this Friday?" He blurts out. The fierce blonde eyes him for a moment, eyes his twisting hands and worried face. Then she grins.
"I'll pick you up at 8, Fredweird."
Sam Puckett comes out of her front door at 1:13am in black short shorts and a light blue tank top to meet me in her side yard underneath her window, her hair in disarray, and she's never looked more beautiful with the moonlight glowing off of her tanned skin, the stars shining in her bright blue eyes, the smile playing on her lips.
"What do you want, Benson?"
"You." I answer simply, a smug smirk reaching my mouth. She scoffs.
"That was your plan? Get me out of my house, tell me you want me, and have it all be okay again? Not gonna happen, Fredward." She turns to walk away from me, the small smile gone, but I won't let her go so easily this time.
"Please, just hear me out."
She stops, and turns, fury glowing in her eyes.
"What could you possibly say to make this better, Freddie?" Her voice is soft, but still angry. I would be, too.
"Sam, Freddie asked me out today." Carly tells her best friend as they sit in front of her TV, eating popcorn and watching Girly Cow. Sam freezes, gulps, and keeps down the emotion.
"What did you say?" She manages.
"That's the thing. I wanted to ask you first. I know you went out with him, and you really liked him, but you dumped him. I just thought that since I really like him, maybe you wouldn't mind. But I wanted to make sure before I said yes." she explains. The blonde tough girl eyes her friend sitting beside her. She knows Freddie's mom loves her. She knows they wouldn't fight. She knows Carly is perfect, for anyone. She knows that Carly will be much better to Freddie than Sam ever was. She knows Carly will make Freddie happy.
So she forces a smile to reach her lips, and nods. "Yeah, that's totally fine."
But that night Sam goes home early and feels her heart break just a little bit more.
"Sam, I know I hurt you." She scoffs, but doesn't comment. "I know I hurt you big time. I know I broke your heart, and I know I lied, and I know I made you cry. But I'm sorry."
"Sorry ain't gonna cut it, Benson." She snaps. I sigh.
"Please let me finish."
"I miss us. I miss screaming and fighting. I miss being awake until 2 in the morning, cursing your name. I miss kissing you in the pouring rain. I miss the roller coaster kind of rush you gave me. I miss being able to comfort you when you came undone, and I miss you comforting me when I came undone. I miss breaking down your walls that you so cleverly put up, trying to keep me out but not being able to. I acted insane with you, Sam. I did things I never would've done had it not been for you. I never knew I could feel as much as I did, and maybe that scared me. But it doesn't anymore." I explain. She's on the brink of tears now and I hope that's a good thing.
"What about Carly? As much as I want this to happen, Freddie, I will not hurt my best friend."
"I'll admit, being with her is perfect. She never breaks my heart. But that's because with her...I never feel anything at all. You are wild and you are crazy. You're so intoxicating, but at the same time you're also so frustrating it makes me want to pull out my hair." I take a gentle step towards her. "Being with Carly may be perfect, but she's not. You are. And being the idiot I am, you got away by some mistake. And now?" I'm in front of her. I push a loose strand of beautiful blonde out of her face and she closes her eyes. "I miss the way I loved you, the way I still love you. Sam, I miss loving you. And I want to love you all over again."
That's all it takes for her to crush my lips with hers, and I eagerly kiss back. She tastes exactly like I remember: a mix of mint, chocolate, and strawberries that somehow end up tasting like heaven. My hands are cupping her cheeks, and hers are trailing the lenght of my torso, finally sliding up the thin material of my shirt to trail fire along the bare skin.
She chuckles. "Been working out, Benson?" she queries against my lips.
"Wouldn't you like to know." I mumble back. Instead of responding she presses herself closer to me, moving her arms to wrap around my neck. Her fingers are so familiar as they run through my hair that I smile against her lips, snaking my arms around her waist, then letting my hands slip inside the back of her shirt to rest on the smooth skin that I've been missing way too much.
Kissing the spot just below her ear, making her gasp just ever-so-slightly, feeling her skin beneath my hands, it's all so familiar. I don't even have to think, I just go along with it and it's all natural. It feels like this is exactly where I'm supposed to be.
Just as my hands trail up her spine, she breaks away from my lips breathlessly, a grin spread across her lips. She leans against the wall behind her, and I press my forehead to hers.
"You should go now, Fredward. Mommy's probably getting worried." She mutters, a smirk on her lips. I chuckle.
"You've never cared about my mom being worried before. Why start now?" I ask, pressing a chaste kiss to her lips, slow and steady, and she knows exactly what I'm saying.
"I don't want you to get in trouble." She mocks, electric blue eyes dancing.
"Like you care."
She's serious now, biting her lip. "You and I both know your mom. If you don't get home soon, she's going to have a hissy fit and then I won't be able to see you for a month."
Just as I'm about to agree, the rain begins to fall, and I almost laugh. I kiss her swiftly.
"But this is just too perfect."
And so I stand there, in the middle of the rain, feeling the rush of her skin beneath my fingertips, kissing her for what felt like the first time all over again.
"I love you." She mumbles agains my lips. I pull away softly, looking at her beautiful eyes for a moment before leaning in and kissing each of her eye lids once. I then press them to her ear and whisper,
"I love you more."