Awww…fuck! He was humming! Again! This is how it always started. Every single time. With his usually very rational master humming like a fool in his kitchen. He'd seen it before. Three times, if anybody cared to count - which evidently, his master didn't. Crap! This way led to a very bad place - especially as he was advancing in years. A solid week of duck hunting wasn't nearly as fun as it had been in his puppy youth.
It wasn't that he didn't like that JJ chickie. He did. Really. He actually liked her a lot more than any of her predecessors. At least she didn't shove his ass outside every time she walked in the house. Nope. Not once. Unlike the two legged women before her, she actually acknowledged his presence with something other than disdain. He liked her. He didn't love her. He wasn't a sentimental sap like his master. He did, however, appreciate a tasty Milkbone as much as any other dog - and the the blonde haired babe had kept him more than adequately supplied. But, unlike his master again, the past had taught him a thing or two.
He'd seen that look in the dark haired man's eyes before…this love thing that the idiot humans blathered on about. Personally, he didn't understand the grand allure. Most days, he was extremely satisfied with a hearty bowl of Kibble, the soft couch, and maybe, if he was particularly energetic, a good chase of his OWN tail. He certainly didn't feel the need to go chasing an tails of the opposite sex - at least not after wife number two - THAT BITCH! But I got even…more on that later…
Hopping up on the counter, he looked out the window to see if there were any headlights yet shining on his not so humble abode.
"You looking for her, too, Mudgie? She'll be here soon," Rossi said, looking over his shoulder at his dog.
No shit, asshole. You only act this stupid when a broad you like gets close! Mudgie sniffed the air and circled the throw rug in front of the sink three times before finally plopping in the middle of it.
Turning, Dave placed the bowl of salad in the center of the table. "She's something special, Mudgie. I think this one may be the keeper," he told the dog.
Yep. Heard it before, you horny old dog. Three times. As if I didn't work hard enough the first three times to haul your ass out of that trouble! Here we go again! I gotta say, I'm getting too old for this crap. Maybe I owe the reader…that'd be you, folks….a little back story about our hero's previous relationships. It's not a pretty story. See, my master's a bit of a doofus when it comes to the ladies - his present conquest excluded. And I have very little faith in his reasoning abilities when it comes to the opposite sex. The scrapes I've had to pull him out of…Let me give you all a few examples…just in case any of you were in doubt. The first wife…well, she was a piece of work. That horrible harpy professed to be allergic to me…actually took me to our neighborhood vet and had me shaved. I was a bloodhound that looked like a scalped Chihuahua for six freaking months! Then that bitch wondered why I pissed on every piece of furniture they owned. She also proclaimed to want it all with my master, Dave. And she did…want it all, that is…got it all, too, in the divorce. Everything up to and including my fucking doghouse. Ah, when I think back to those days with good old Dave sharing a room at the Econo Lodge, it's almost enough to put me off dog biscuits. But, I digress. The second wife…well, she was a piece of work…always swearing and declaring how she wanted a family with my trusty master. But I saw that pink packet of pills. So, I had to grab 'em off the vanity and show 'em to the ole master. She didn't stick around long after that. Didn't I mention…the old guy…he really values that loyalty and honesty crap. And between the pills and the pool boy…she didn't have either quality…not like me at any rate. But did that master of mine learn his lesson? Hell no! Why would it be that easy? Then there was the third wife….Now that woman was just pure evile. Let me just say that I tried to get along with the woman. Is it my fault that her footwear smelled like leather…I'm a dog…we chew. And well, the engagement ring incident…that was just an unfortunate accident. Putting it beside the ground beef on the kitchen counter was just STUPID! So in my excitement over gobbling the burgers, I also gobbled the ring. Was that any reason to try and let me die?! NO!! But, she told those vets to cut me open and get that ring out….thank God, the master got there in time to stop 'em. Otherwise, me…well, I'd be pushing up daisies in the garden right about now. Anyhow, at least the master got a gander at the kind of woman he'd married that third time around. Obviously, it wasn't the charm everybody's always claiming it'd be. Regardless, the witch didn't last long after that.
Me and ole Dave…we had us a long dry spell after her. Just me and him…him and me…day in…day out. And it was okay. For awhile. But there's only so much hunting a dog can do and I gotta say that I was actually kinda happy when he started talking about this JJ Jareau. The old man started getting a little pep in his step again. And I can't say that I blame him. I mean…Va-Va -Va - VOOM! Ya know what I'm saying? He did pretty good for a geezer! I'm impressed….but now - he's humming! And as I said, that never leads to great things for me!
I raised my head as Dave turned to stare out the window. "Here she comes, boy! Best behavior tonight, okay?"
Yeah, back at ya, big guy! Think you two could perhaps keep all that moaning and groaning off my couch tonight? Cause, honestly, I thought that's why I'm not allowed on the bed.
"I mean it, Mudge. I think this may be your new mommy," Dave muttered.
Ewwww! Mommy? Seriously? You do realize that I'm about a hundred and forty in human years? Did I mention that I really can't stand it when the humans refer to their pets as "kids". Honestly, people, it's annoying!
"And I guess I need to warn you, Mudge. Jen brought a guest tonight."
Raising my head, I eyed the master with wary eyes.
"Her name is Magpie," Dave said, opening the back door.
Her? Now, maybe this had possibilities! If the ole master could have a little fun, why couldn't I? I watched as the blonde haired beauty stepped through our back door…her little cutie caught up in her arms.
"Hey, Dave," JJ said, smiling. "You sure about introducing them?" she said, nodding to the bundle she carried in her arms.
"They'll get along fine, honey. Just put her down," Dave said, returning her smile.
Yeah, yeah! Put 'er down! Put 'er down! Wagging my tail excitedly, I waited. Until she bent and released her burden onto the floor. And then I stopped and cocked my head. What the FUCK is THAT? Raising my head at the old bastard I usually thought of as my master, I glared.
"Didn't I mention it, Mudgie? Magpie's a cat," Dave said, patting Mudgie's head consolingly.
"Yeah, asshole, I'm a cat," Magpie hissed.
And as I barked in reply, my only thought - "Game on, shitty kitty!"