Enemies you can't see are ten times more terrifying than ones you can. It isn't because they're invisible. It's more about the fact that you know absolutely nothing. You're completely in the dark, and there's nothing worse than that. Sometimes you just need a nightlight. Sure it isn't bright, but it gives you enough light to find your way to the bathroom without stubbing your toe.
When you're in the intelligence business, you almost always have some clue, some piece of the puzzle. Whether it's a receipt from a 7-11 for a pack of twizzlers or a ratty, old, size eleven tennis shoe shoved in the back of a closet, you have something. Everything can potentially help you find out what you need to know.
If you're in my line of work, your personal life should never interfere with your professional one. It gets in the way of too many things. You can't think straight if you're busy thinking about a fight with your ex-girlfriend. You're defenses are down and you won't be ready if something happens.
Most spies know where to draw the line, when to walk away and not get involved. I am not most spies. If I was, I wouldn't have reacted the way I did. I wouldn't have fallen in love, I wouldn't miss her, and I wouldn't want her with me every second of everyday.
Spies can't have relationships. It endangers the spy, their significant other, and anyone close to them. It jeopardizes everything. The funny thing is that when it comes down to it, they end up being the only thing that matters. They end up being everything. You don't know it until it's almost too late.
I've thought that I'd lost her before, but actually losing her—right before my eyes—and being powerless to stop it, was something completely different. It's a million times more terrifying. When I came to, I was out of control with no idea where she would be.
To me, my clients have always been unfathomable. I have never been able to understand why they weren't following orders or why they didn't calmly trust us to find their loved ones and end their problems. Panic has always been one of my biggest pet peeves. In any given situation, a spy has to be in control of their emotions or they can't control anything else. When I woke up, I was one of my goddamn clients.
Sean was on the ground close to death, my mother was helping Sam save his life, and instead of calmly getting up and trying to come up with a plan to find her, I could only scream frantically about where she was. I had no information, no clues, no intelligence. I was in the dark and she could have been anywhere or already dead.
I forgot all of my training. I forgot what it's like to logically think about anything. The only thing I could remember is all the days I spent with her, all those nights we were up late, all the yogurt we ate, all the times I heard her voice, and that all of this could never happen ever again.
I should have known. I was too focused on my job to see the situation through her eyes. Strickler was someone I shouldn't have gotten involved with. Was being the key word. Something he didn't understand—I didn't either until I almost lost her—is that she isn't my past.
Fiona Glenanne is not my past. She wouldn't be. I wouldn't let her be.
Piecing things together is only half of the battle. We were able to figure out where they were keeping her, but we still had to get her out of there. That meant a firefight. One stray bullet and I could have lost everything. I would have blown myself up if that's what it took to save her.
In the stampede of bullets, she escaped. I lost sight of her after that. After the shooting stopped and the boat was cruising away, she still hadn't surfaced. I was in the dark again. I didn't know where she had gone or if she had made it. Then I saw her floating face down in the water.
Your feelings should never affect you in times of crisis. Your head has to be clear so you can do what you have to. However, when the person you love is about to drown if they haven't already, you run a lot faster than you ever thought you could. I pulled her into my arms and carried her to the shore.
She was alright. She is alright. She's sleeping on Mom's couch right now.
If I wasn't a spy, she wouldn't be here. She'd say that he would have gotten to her eventually no matter what. If I wasn't a spy, a lot of things would be different. I like things the way they are right now. I like being here with her. I've always liked being with her. It doesn't matter where we are just as long as she's there.
I was never good at this. It's okay because neither is she. We aren't good at this together.