Inspiration: Mika Nakashima's Helpless Rain
I'm foolish. I want to be near you, but for some reason, I can't. You're too far away. It's late, but I need to tell you these things because If I don't, I'm afraid they'll be lost forever.
Up in the distant sky, rolling thunder echoes. I can hear the rain as it falls against the window. It seems angry. I wonder why the gods cry with such a force... Is it because they feel my pain? Do they see the agony in my heart? It's so cold in here, I'm shivering; it's 2 am, and I'm trying to untangle a thread of memories of you an your warm hands. I know it's stupid, but that's what helps me on nights like these. You. Always, you.
I remember the way you use to embrace me. The words you would whisper. The things we shared were so beautiful to me. I longed to look up into those beautiful eyes of yours, to sweep the hair out of your face and say those three words that I was so afraid to tell you back then.
I love you.
I know you don't care much for sentimental ideals or nostalgia, but that is what I remember. Your face, your voice, your arms, your body. You. All of you. Even now, as I close my eyes, I can still see your back. It always faced me in protection. You guarded me from everything. I loved you for it. I followed you, and you waited. But now, why do you disappear when I chase you? It hurts more than anything you can imagine. I don't only want to be beside you, right now I want to touch your fingers, your hair. I want to bask in the glow that is you. I will take nothing more or nothing less.
I want you to hold me, embrace me, break me with your strength, as I drown in the warmth of your chest. Give me something to hold on to and I will give you all of me in return. I don't want to sound helpless, but I am... I'm so helpless... Especially in my dreams.
Last night I dreamed of you. You stood in front of me, aloof and proud, as always. But, as I stood there, never - not once - did our gazes meet. You saw above me, below me, to the right and left. You even saw through me. But you could not, would not, dared not look into my eye to see the truth. I would call you an idiot for it, but it was my dream, and dreams have a way of being fickle. Like the time just before you left. I dreamed we were together, intimately, and you smothered me with passionate kisses. But then, you shattered, broke into a million pieces. And I'm lost without you. It isn't fair.
One day, I wish to see you, to hold you and to tell you that I'll always be right beside you. I wish to be by your side. I promise not to be a burden. I promise no to slow you down. I swear, on my life, before god, to always, always love you. But... this dream does not come true. For, even in my dreams, we can't meet. We can't touch. You won't see...Because of that horrible reality, I drench myself... in tears.
I feel as despondent as the gods right now. Their anger, their fury, their sadness, all rolled into one. I can barely breathe, but my pen is steady. I will finish this letter, even if it kills me. That's how devoted I am to you.
I would die for you.
No, it doesn't sound heroic. No, it won't make anything better. Yes, you will grieve, but I would still do so. Just to lengthen your time here. I would give anything and everything to you, for you. You who have sacrificed everything for me so many times.
I do apologize for that, you know.
If I have ever troubled you, I want you to know that I am truly, very, deeply, from the bottom of my broken and withered heart sorry for all the pain I have caused you. I would gladly give my soul over to the devil himself to take it all back. If only to see your smiling face. If only to hear your laughing voice. I would damn the gods themselves, just to see you happy.
Outside the window, the rain is getting heavier. It carves me with pain. The sound wilts my very being, it cuts away at the hole deep within my chest. For, you see, the rain, it reminds me of you. Cold and biting, but so nourishing. In it's most violent state it floods the world, lives are taken, chaos ensue. In it's most benign aspect, the rain - a lot like you - represents cleansing and rebirth. It has a gentle warmth, yet chilling nature; the memory bittersweet. So much like you.
Despite the pain it brings, I love the rain. I love the smell of it. I love it when it gently covers the sidewalk, or when it ruthlessly drenches plants and animals alike. Even when it cooperates with the gentle wind to create a terrorizing typhoon. I still love it. It is so much like nature to be a calming element and a destructive force all at once.
I know I repeat myself a lot, but I can't help it. It's hard to forget. To bring these things up over and over again, it renews the memories; helps them to live on inside of me. If I don't remember, who will? You, I'm sure, have already forgotten about me. I still have everything you gave to me. I'll never let them go. The pictures and letters that remain, thought I cherish them, at night they keep me with feelings of grief. To still have such a small part of you, when I am denied the whole... well, you know me enough to know what I will say. But I'll sat it anyway.
Every time I wander alone I think of you even more. Because it is when I am alone that I remember the time you spent beside me and only me. I would give anything to have those moments back. I would hold on to them, love them even more. Knowing then what I know now, I will be able to appreciate more of what we had. But why did it have to leave so suddenly? Why did the time stop?
I would defy sun and heaven, if only you would kiss me one more time... even if it's just a lie.
I have written you this to let you know all the feelings that I hold up deep inside of me. Despair and desire, they will always shake me. I have no right to say that you are mine anymore, but I like to think that once... once, your heart, mind, body and soul, belonged to me. Once we were one. Once we shared so many wonderful things together. It seems so far away now. It makes me feel like reality and dreams, they're illusions... I can never really separate the two.
We belong to very different worlds now, though I am still stuck in that time between. It gets harder every day. But I can live through it. I use to think I couldn't live if I couldn't have you now. But to think of you and to remember what we shared, it sustains me. It keeps me grounded. It save's me - maybe not as often as I wish - from... my tears
So, even if it's just a lie, I wish you will read these words and gain something from them. Be it grief, anger, happiness, sadness, despair or if you feel nothing at all, at least I have told you everything. At least my mind is clear. I can move on, hopefully, while you continue on your journey. While you become strong, I can grow as well.
And maybe one day, we won't be as helpless as the rain.
With love, so much love.
Kyo - I really do love the girls I write about in the anime series, but I just can't stand hetero for so long. I am actually infatuated with the IchigoOrihime pairing, and hope to one day write a story in which they are together... but I just don't have the mind for it right now. I'm all about yaoi at the moment. Sure I could write them as a side pairing in one of my up coming Bleach fics, but I'll leave that for later. I have a lot of interesting things planned for little Orihime-chan in the future. This is just drabble, not to be taken completely seriously of. Ja ne.