Title: Anniversaries & Rabbits

Author: nobloodnofoul

Okay, so this has not been Beta'd yet. Don't get too upset abt my shitty grammar. I apologize for the eyesore that is me, unedited and unsupervised.

I got the idea to do this one shot and it didn't turn out like I had planned for it to. Basically it was going to be this funny/depressing fic about how....u know what? nvm. Algonquinrt made me post this. Blame her.

The house was clean, all my errands had been run, and dinner was ready to go.

My body was covered in a soft, red silk dress. The halter top said that I was fun and the cherry red color said I was dangerous. My hair screamed sexy and my makeup spoke of smoldering bedroom eyes. I was a fucking bombshell ready to go.

The dining room table had five vanilla candles lit and I had just grilled two steaks to perfection, along with succulent green beans and homemade mashed potatoes. It was my husband's favorite dish. The lights in the house were dimmed and the bedroom was turned out into a dark intimate den of love.

What's missing? It's 7:30 and my husbands late coming home from work.

What's my issue? It's our three year anniversary.

With that morose thought I hear the keys jingle in the lock and race to the table to light the candles. The food was still warm enough to be presentable. I blew out a breath and pressed the front of my dress down self consciously.

"In here, honey."

I tried to make it sound sultry.

"Hey baby, are you feeling okay? You're voice sounds a little hoarse."

I'll let that one slide.

"I made us dinner; I hope you're hungry."

He dropped his briefcase down by the wall and took his tie off. God, my husband was sexy.

"You made my favorite! I can't tell you how much I appreciate this! I had such and awful day at work. You would not believe how busy it was, I had this one guy in room three all day. He had a bad case of…"

And just like every other day he went on and on about his patients. He talked about the incompetence of the nurses he worked with and the shitty attitudes of the other doctors.

I was married to Dr. Edward Cullen and I knew when we married what I was getting myself into, I just thought I would never get tired of hearing anything come out of his gorgeous mouth.

How wrong I was.

He dug into his plate and spoke with his mouth full of food, waving his fork around and gesticulating all over my brand new cream colored table cloth. I sighed heavily and cut a few pieces off my steak before realizing I had no appetite. The night was going to hell and it hadn't even been twenty minutes.

I gave the appropriate nods and smiles as he went through his day. I knew how much his job meant to him. I understood how dedicated he was to his patients. But fuck, I was his wife, I needed some dedication too. I needed some fucking…fucking.

When you get right down to it, Edward and I hadn't had sex in over three weeks. It was goddamn ridiculous. I was feeling neglected and downright deprived. I had bought one of those fancy ass vibrators with the little rabbit on the end. It was nice, it rotated and vibrated and jiggled and it was amazing. But it wasn't my husband's warm hard cock and I was getting tired of stealing batteries out of the remote.

With one last far off look, he wistfully finished his tirade on the benefits of a soft cast on a sprain versus just wrapping it in gauze. I put on my most solemn face when nodding at him. Like I gave a fuck.

"So honey, I um, I got you something."

He screwed his face up in confusion and I restrained the urge to roll my eyes. It was our fucking anniversary for God's sake. He could remember all those damn symptoms of diseases and shit about the emergency room and he couldn't remember the day he got married?

I picked up the wrapped box next to the table and walked over to him slowly, sauntering as best I could in the ridiculously high heels I was wearing. He quirked an eyebrow at me and I set the festive light blue box in front of him. He looked at it hesitantly at first, then tore into it and gasped when he saw what it was.

It was the most expensive stethoscope I could find in that medical catalogue he fawned over. He picked it up out of the tissue paper reverently and saw his name engraved on the chest piece. I swear to god the fucker got misty eyed.

"It's…a Littman, how did you know?"

"I looked in that medical magazine you look at. The page that one was on was the most worn down. I figured you had a thing for it."

Instead of a hug or a kiss or profession of love, that fucker put those ear pieces in and held the damn thing up to my sternum. If that wasn't enough…

"Take in a deep breath for me."

I breathed in deeply and sighed. It's not like he asked me to do anything I wasn't going to do anyway.

"Wow, the clarity is amazing! You can hear so much more through these! This is great! Thanks, baby!"

With that he stood up and walked out of the dining room and into his office. I stood stunned, gaping at his vacant chair and felt the tears welling up in my eyes. He… he just…

With the experience only a kindergarten teacher has…I threw a tantrum. I slammed his chair in, snatched up the empty plates and carried them into the kitchen. I scrubbed them viciously and crammed them in the dishwasher with a little too much force.

That cock sucking mother fucking asshole….ARG.

When that was done, I took a cleansing breath and walked down the hallway to his office and pushed the door open. He was clicking away at his laptop when I walked around the desk to wrap my arms around his shoulders. He didn't even notice me there. He was e-mailing someone about his stethoscope. Rolling my eyes, I nuzzled his neck and began to kiss his ear. He twitched his head away when I licked the shell of his ear.

"Baby, I'm trying to write Dr. Florence about the stethoscope. Could you give me a few minutes?"

My eyes widened and I stood up straight so quickly I almost lost my balance.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!"

His fingers stopped on the keys and he slowly swiveled his chair around to look at me. His eyes were wide as well as he searched my face.

"What is it, Bella? What's wrong?"

"You know what? Fuck it! E-mail your friend."

I could feel his eyes on me as I stormed out of the room.

Spend all fucking day working with little kids and I live with one. Fucking married a selfish ass five year old. That fucking dickwad…that insensitive prick!

The sound of his dress shoes clacking down the hardwood floors after the hard clicks of my stilettos was the only sound in the house.

He caught up with me in the living room and grabbed my arm, spinning me around only to release me the second he saw my face. I took two steps back and felt the edge of the couch armrest bump my thighs.

"Bella, tell me what's wrong. What did I do?"

"What did you…Oh my God, you are the densest man in the world? For someone so goddamn smart and all Doogie Howser you are an idiot. Why the fuck do you think I bought you that stethoscope?"

"Well, I…you said that…"

"No, wait, so it's every fucking day that your wife fixes your favorite meal, over candle light, gives you a present, dresses up…I mean, that happens all the fucking time right?! No. Think Edward. Think real fucking hard about it."

I could see the wheels turning behind those apple green eyes of his before they lit up and then dimmed. He got it. Fucker finally got it.

"Oh God, I'm so sorry baby."

He took a step towards me and I held up a hand.

"Tell me. What is today?"

"Um…it's a special day."

"Oh my fucking God. It's our anniversary you douchebag!"

He cringed and bit his lip while looking down at his shoes. I couldn't look at him anymore. I turned suddenly and silently cursed the fucking red monstrosities on my feet before walking as quickly and angrily while staying upright. I went into the bedroom and slammed the door shut only to be greeted by more candles and scarves over the lamps. I took a fortifying breath and yanked the first red scarf off the lamp closest to me. Just as I was getting ready to blow out the first bunch of candles, I heard the door open and a groan.

"I'm an asshole. You deserve better than me and I am so sorry I forgot. I…I hate myself right now for this and I am so fucking sorry baby."

"We haven't had sex in three weeks."

At this his eyes widened and he gulped quickly.

"So either I'm not attractive anymore or you're getting some on the side. I don't know what else to think at this point." My voice was flat and my face slack.

I could feel his shock permeate the room.

"Bella, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I would never, fuck, I would never cheat on you. I love you more than anything. God, I don't know what to do. Please, tell me what to do."

I rolled my eyes because if were three years ago before we had gotten married and this had happened Edward would have raced to me, grabbed me and kissed me passionately before making hot, sweaty love to me. Now, this Edward over analyzes like the doctor he is and tries to talk about how to make it better.

"I don't know, Edward. I tried. I dressed up like a fucking hooker, cooked you your favorite food and had the house spotless before presenting you with a gift in a romantic setting. I don't know what the fuck you want from me anymore. Maybe I should get sick with some incurable disease so you will pay attention to me."

That was a low blow and even I knew it but shit it stung that he didn't remember, and I missed the old Edward that was physical and grabbed my ass in public. Not this boy scout I seemed to be living with.

Pre-marriage Edward left his dirty underwear on the bathroom floor and fucked me in the living room on the floor at three o'clock in the afternoon. Post-marriage Edward put all his dirty clothes in the hamper and was anal about his scrubs being starched.

Pre-marriage Edward grabbed my ass in public and necked with me at the movies. Post-marriage Edward didn't even hold my hand and wouldn't watch a DVD in his own entertainment room.

Pre-marriage Edward grabbed my hair during sex and spanked me. He had no qualms about eating me out and fondling me. Post-marriage Edward…well three weeks, you get the idea.

"Bella, that's not fair. You know how dedicated I am to this job. You know how much it means to me…"

"How much do I mean to you? When you get home are there patients here, too? You seclude yourself in your office and read over books and e-mail your work friends. You don't spend any fucking time with me and I've had enough. I have been patient and understanding. I am neglected and I am tired of being walked all over. I go to all your stupid dinners with your friends and I play the part of good wife. I work all day and keep the house running and in order and all I fucking want is to have some goddamn sex with my husband. I want to feel appreciated like I did before we got married. I want that Edward back. I want the groping in public and the rough sex. I don't want to have to schedule a modest missionary style fuck in our bedroom with the lights off.

"I want to have a husband. I'm tired of Dr. Edward Cullen. I want Edward back. It's like you're someone else now. You sold the Suzuki and I can't remember the last time we drove out somewhere in the Aston just for shits and giggles. You used to take me out randomly and we had fun. Now, my life has condensed into doing your laundry, fixing your dinners and being invisible in my own home. I hate this and I'm really starting to resent it. Don't stand there and try to talk this out with me, it's not going to work. I've gone over this whole thing from every angle and the only answer I see is you waking the fuck up and realizing that just because I have a goddamn ring on my finger doesn't make me your lap dog. I have a fucking vagina that needs some attention from someone besides myself and my gynecologist."

By the time I was done with my rant, his mouth had fallen open and his shoulders slumped. He looked shocked and bewildered. This only served to piss me off even more.

"You know what? Forget it. Get out, I need to use my rabbit."

His eyebrows shot up and his mouth still hung open. I rolled my eyes and turned around to rummage in the bedside table. I pulled out the bright pink vibrating bunny dildo and pushed the buttons testing the batteries before I was satisfied that it had enough juice in it to get the job done. Let him watch if he wanted, maybe I would get some kind of reaction out of him.

I didn't get a chance to test that theory before Edward's hand clamped down over my wrist and he yanked the toy from my fingers.

"What the fuck is this?!"

I looked him point blank in the eyes and flatly stated, "It's a vibrating, rotating, dildo, Edward. You see, it has three levels of rotation and three levels of vibrating intensity. You press these two buttons to control the spin and these two to control the buzzing. This button in the middle can change the rotations direction in case you wanna switch it up a little."

His face was starting to go a mottled red color by this point and I didn't give a fuck. Good, get pissed. This is what happens when you ignore your wife.

His arms whipped back and the pink plastic penis went flying past me. I watch in horror as it crashed against the far wall and the electronic base shattered. The Duracel batteries I had pillaged from the old ass digital camera in Edward's office clattered to the floor and my vag shed a small tear knowing that Roger was dead and beyond repair.

"What the fuck are you doing?!"

"I can't believe you bought a fucking vibrator…"

I gaped at him for approximately three seconds before my anger painted a red tinge to my vision.

"You have no fucking right to be pissed right now! What the fuck did you expect me to do? I needed some goddamn relief! I can't just rub one out like you can!"

I pulled my arm in an attempt to free it from his grasp, but his fingers squeezed down harder on my wrist. I had no time to bitch about it though before his other hand came up to grasp my neck roughly; his mouth was on mine before I could make a single noise. The hand on my neck slid into my hair, grasping a handful in a tight fist as the other one released my wrist and pressed my lower back into his torso. I felt the hardness of his shaft between us causing me to let out a squeaking noise.

"No piece of fucking plastic is going to my job."

When I had said I missed the old Edward I had meant it, however, I was maybe thinking about a slow re-introduction not an all out assault. Then again, beggars can't be choosers.

Like I had envisioned for the past week and half, Edward slid his hands down to my hips and began balling up the material of my dress before yanking it up and off me. I stood between him and the bed in nothing but a pair or red lace boy shorts and red FMPs.


"I had a plan…I was going to seduce you. It didn't work, I guess."

He looked at me with a pained expression before his eyes flitted to the broken pieces of pink plastic in the corner and then narrowed. I was tossed very forcefully onto the bed, where I bounced a few times before settling back on my elbows and watched as Edward practically ripped his expensive button down off and savagely pulled his belt off and dropped trou and boxers.

Oh, Eddie, how I have missed you.

He crawled up the bed and my eyes watched the muscles in his shoulders flex and his shoulder blades move, transfixed by the sleek strength that my husband possessed. He trailed kisses up my thighs, avoiding the apex of my legs and licking my belly button causing my head to drop back. Hot, wet kisses against my chest and neck lead to him to my face before he stopped to spread my legs with his knee.

"I have been very neglectful but I swear to you I will rectify this problem right away. Tell me baby, have you ever heard of female hysteria?"

And just like every other time he pulled that husky bedroom voice, I became a mass of goo that couldn't form a coherent sentence.

"Uhhh no…no I haven't."

He flattened his palm against my stomach before sliding it up to caress my breast and tease the nipple.

"You see, back in early eighteen hundreds doctors thought that single women and older women had what they called 'female hysteria'. They figured that without proper medical care women were prone to bad temperaments, anger, and also that if not properly cared for, it could affect their ability to bear children. Do you know how they treated this?"

I panted and shook my head when he ground his cock against my damp crotch. He bent down to lick my neck and suck hard before biting down. I moaned and fell back onto the mattress. I felt his fingertips trail down my sternum, over my belly and rub across the lace of my panties. He stroked my pussy over the lace and I whimpered when he pressed down on my clit.

"They would stimulate the clitoris until the patient achieved orgasm. Think about it, women going to the doctor to get fingered. Occasionally, vaginal stimulation was necessary to achieve the said remedy against sickness. When I learned about this in medical school, all I could think about was you on an exam table, spread out for me to tease, finger, and lick. I would cure your hysteria completely. Over…and over again."

I felt his fingers wrap around the material between my legs before dragging my panties down and off me. The cool air hit my wet flesh and I shivered before his hand cupped my pussy and rubbed his palm over my clit.

"Please, Edward…it's been…so long." I was not above begging at this point. My words were breathless and wanton. I was needy as fuck and he was teasing me.

"God, I have… I've been suffering too baby. I've been so stressed. I love you. I love you so much. You are so beautiful, never think you aren't."

His cock thumped against my hip as he shifted to line himself up with my entrance and in one forceful thrust, he was inside me. I cried out at the overwhelming sensation. Roger was pretty big but fuck if Edward wasn't bigger. It hurt for a few moments and he stayed still, caressing my hair and kissing my collar bone before I shifted my hips, letting him know he could move.

His thrusts started out precise like they always did. Hard, purposeful, and controlling. When I moved my hand between us to work over my clit he growled and grabbed my hand, pinning it above me. Gathering my other hand together with the first, he held me prone and balanced himself out, putting most of the pressure on the arm that had me held down. I threaded one of my hands with his above us as he slid his free hand between us to stroke my clit.

I made embarrassing noises and bucked against him, but I was coming dammit and my husband was making me come and it was beautiful. It was blinding and consuming and fucking perfect as I rode it out. I was so wrapped up in my orgasm I didn't realize him releasing right after me. He collapsed onto me and I held onto him as he tried to roll over.

"I'm heavy, baby."

"No, stay. I miss you."

He sighed and held me, rolling us both over so that I was draped over him.

"I love you. I'm sorry I've been a shitty husband. I'm going to fix this starting right now. I'm promise you. We'll go out, I'll get Dr. Martin to put me on a fixed schedule and I will be here. You are everything to me. If I don't have you, then my job means shit. I should have seen this but…I am so sorry, baby. Please, forgive me, let me fix this."

I snuggled into his neck and breathed in deeply. We would be okay. We would be fine. We just needed to get back to us now.

"I love you. It's going to be okay, Edward. I know it. You just needed to get your head out of your ass. Thanks to you royally fucking up our three year anniversary and breaking Roger over there, you're one your way."

"Who the fuck is Roger?!"

"Um, my vibrator that you broke."

"You named it Roger?"

"Yeah, like Roger Rabbit. It's got a rabbit on the front."

"Oh my God…wait…so that's why the remote to the TV never works."

I slapped him playfully and he laughed.

We'd be just fine.

just so you know....it almost never happens like this in real life. heads up to all u girls with boyfriends who arnt married. You are in for a rude awakening.

oh, and I've had a bit to drink. don't mind the snappyness.

Leave me some love so I'm not so bitter.