Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Panic or any of its characters. I am not profiting in any way from writing this fanfiction. Full Metal Panic! is written by Shoji Gatoh and illustrated by Douji Shiki and the anime is produced by Gonzo.

Author's Note: Many heartfelt thanks to my reluctant beta, Scribe Figaro. Being married to a wonderful writer has its perks, let me tell you. Just one of those perks is always having a beta reader on hand when needed.


By Starzki


Fumoffu fumo fumo fumoffu fumoffu.


I forget myself. Let me begin again.

I, Bonta-kun, have been replaced. I knew the time would come, I just never imagined who would take my place. I thought he'd be fuzzier, with a cute nose. But no. I've been displaced by Sousuke Sagara. Part of me understood Kaname's choice, because he is warm and able to actually respond to Kaname's questions with speech. Other parts of me, particularly the parts of me that are cotton stuffing, just wanted back on the bed.

I was relegated to watching Kaname and Sousuke's bedroom antics from the bureau across the room. Those two... defy most description. But as I am made for snuggling and cuddling, I will try to limit my observations to just that. It is what I understand. It is what I can convey.

To me, it seemed as though the novelty of sharing a bed wore off only days after Sousuke and Kaname had begun "doing the deed." I know that people who have been on their own for so long often have a period of adjustment as they begin sharing a bed with another, even if they are only sharing with adorable stuffed animals. We plush toys often find ourselves on the floor by morning during the first few months. It's all part of my training to find ways to prolong the comforts of cuddling and to be a good bed companion. It seemed as though Sousuke wasn't given such training.

According to my assessment, Kaname is an advanced cuddler of stuffed animals, but it is abundantly clear to me that she, along with Sousuke, are mere novices when it comes to snuggles with other humans.

These two conflicted in the bed in ways that were insurmountable, at least in terms of post-"good loving" snuggles.

The first couple of nights, it seemed as though Kaname had found a suitable replacement for me in that young human man. Those first nights had included low whispers in one another's arms after having "relations" and neither wanted to be the first to break the intimate contact. They confessed their intent to awake the next morning still contentedly holding each other and greeting the day by looking into each other's loving eyes.

It seems as though that desire lasted all of three sleepless nights.

To my eye, untrained in the act of "bumping uglies," it seemed as though experience in sharing a bed was serving to make them only improve their skill levels at "jumping each other's bones." Conversely, being trained in the art of snugglies, I am qualified to attest that time and experience only decreased their patience and skill for nighttime cuddles.

During this time, neither Kaname nor Sousuke turned to the professional skills that I could offer in this regard. My feelings were hurt. In any case, these two humans had major snuggling problems.

Sousuke kicked in his sleep. Kaname had no compunctions about kicking him back.

Kaname was always a sleep-talker. Sousuke, nursing bruised shins, had no problem waking her up to request that she stop mumbling top-secret information to whatever listening devices that his frequent sweeps of the room may have missed.

Sousuke would startle at every sound, even the normal sounds of the apartment building, and would jolt Kaname awake just as she was starting to drift off. This did not make her happy. She made sure to share just how unhappy it made her.

When Kaname would toss and turn in her sleep, she would often send out a lash of her long hair that would immediately smack Sousuke across the face, then smother him. I, not having to breathe, did not have this problem, yet I did feel somewhat bad for Sousuke. There were many times when just the ends of her hair would tickle his face and he would awaken, sure that an infestation of spiders had just descended upon him and were trying to navigate up his nostrils. He would wake up snorting and swiping at his nose and face in a panic. I heard him, more than once, consider if it would be worth it to – while she was sleeping – give Kaname the haircut he had promised to give her. To his credit, he always thought better of that particular consideration.

Alternatively, Sousuke's cold feet often found their way to the backs of Kaname's knees, making her gasp and shiver. Those were times I was glad not to be in the bed to be caught in their crossfire.

And really, the first thing in the morning, neither Kaname nor Sousuke was nearly as sexy as they considered themselves to have been the previous night, when they were engaged in "the horizontal mambo." Looking at the other's disheveled, grumpy countenance through bleary, crusty, blood-shot eyes, assessing the person who had robbed them of a peaceful night's sleep, they would despair.

A few times, Sousuke returned to his own home after he and Kaname "knocked boots," but that wasn't a satisfactory situation, either. He would later confess that he missed Kaname. Additionally, he missed those times when they both received a second wind and would "get it on" for the second time in one night.

Kaname also disliked having Sousuke gone. I would regain my spot in Kaname's bed, but she grumbled most of the night about how she felt a little too much like Sousuke's "booty call" when he left so soon after they "did the wild thing." Plus, she enjoyed it as much as Sousuke when they "went at it" for the second time in a night, too.

Kaname and Sousuke had a discussion about what was to be done about the sleepover situation. It was resolved the next day when Kaname marched Sousuke into a mattress store and had him purchase the largest-sized mattress they carried. It, along with the new frame, arrived the next day.

It was my opinion that the bed seemed too large and was mismatched to the aesthetics of the room, but I was, sadly, not consulted about it.

It turned out to be the best solution. Nightly, after "making the naked pretzel," they each retreated to their side of the bed. They would set up a barrier of pillows down the middle of the bed and would only allow that barrier to be breached if they had "getting busy" on their minds. Plus, the huge bed allowed for more advanced maneuvers when Kaname and Sousuke "made whoopee."

In any case, it was the best solution. I found myself a part of the pillow barrier. I was close to my Kaname once again, in a perfectly soft and comfortable bed, where I was meant to be. I was happy again.

And I discovered that when Kaname fell into blissful, peaceful sleep, it was Sousuke who would grab me to him for nighttime cuddles.

He was way more advanced at snuggling than I gave him credit for.


AN: This was meant to be my silly little one-shot that would take almost no effort to write and post. It was far more complicated than anticipated. I would appreciate any thoughts or opinions readers have. Thanks for reading!