The Art of seduction by Ichimaru Gin

Disclaimer: I own nothing!


Dear Shinigami of the Gotei 13,

The Captain-commander-san has informed me that it is absolutely disgraceful that I have never contributed anything to the Seireitei Communication Magazine. I have been told that I have exactly a month to write something or I am to face the wrath of Ryūjin Jakka. Well actually, Captain-commander-san didn't actually come out and say that but I got the message. Since I like my limbs not cooked I decided to offer my services as an advisor on how to seduce the shinigami of your dreams. What's my qualification? Don't make me laugh. Everybody knows that I can get any women in the Gotei 13. In fact, I could probably get most of the men too! You know it's true. So just send me your letters and I'll give you my advice. You can remain anonymous if you want but I'll probably know who you are anyway. However, I am sure you'll have fun coming up with an alias.

Sincerely,

Ichimaru Gin

The smexy captain of 3rd Squad


Dear Captain Ichimaru,

There is a girl I have always admired. On the surface she is all tough and hard but I think there is actually a very fragile creature underneath the mask. She was hurt very badly in her youth. I say in her youth but in reality she isn't all that old. She is very beautiful. Her form is compact but very strong. She smells like honey and I think she might be just as sweet. But I have no idea how to seduce her, especially since we are of different ranks. Please help me.

Yours Sincerely,

The miserable one


Dear Izuru,

Firstly, I expect my Vice-captain to come up with a better alias. I am docking you a day's pay for that lame and obvious alias! Secondly, I always wondered if you were a masochist. Now I know for sure you are a massive masochist. SOIFON!!! You want to seduce SOIFON!!! I always thought you would go for someone nice and gentle like Hinamori-chan. But come to think of it, you and Hinamori-chan might just make the sappiest couple in the history of couples. There would be no fire anywhere. You and Soifon on the other hand... yeah there is potential there. Especially between the sheets!

First things first though, how to get her between your sheets (and your legs). Well Izuru, the thing you have to understand about Soifon is that she takes a lot of pride in her abilities as a warrior. So the way to get her to open up to you is to first beat her into the ground in a battle. Strip her of her pride, strip her of her honour and you'll find that fragile little vulnerable creature that'll open right up to your steady character and gentle love. Shouldn't be too hard to fight her. She doesn't like using her bankai and your zanpakuto would stop her being all assassin like.

Good luck and try not to get killed,

Captain Ichimaru

PS. Please tell me your father died AFTER he had the chat about the birds and bees with you. I would hate to have to be the one to explain that to you.


Dear Captain Ichimaru,

I too would like to seduce Captain Soifon. Do you think that advice you gave Vice-captain Kira would work for me?

I really want her!

The mad dancer


Dear Enjōji-kun,

Judging by the hickie on Izuru's neck and the bruises on Captain Two's hips (that Omnitsukido uniform really doesn't leave much to the imagination) you're too late. But from what I understand, you just want Captain Two to hurt you. So why not just challenge her to a fight when Izuru's not around and with any luck she'll keep her beating to an enjoyable level. Of course, if Izuru is around you'll likely die. That boy is very protective of things he loves.

But you can always try,

Captain Ichimaru


Ichimaru,

How dare you tell people how to seduce me! You think those retarded advice you have been doling out will work? Think again you fox-faced son of a bitch!

-Soifon


Dear Captain two,

It's too late. I saw you and Izuru kissing and have the picture to prove it. Don't make me publish it.

Sincerely,

The fox-faced son of a bitch (and damn proud of it!!!)


Dear Captain Ichimaru,

Please don't.

Yours Sincerely,

Soifon


Dear Captain two,

Make sure Izuru ain't late for work and I won't.

Sincerely,

Captain Ichimaru

PS. I like your change of tone.


Dear Captain Ichimaru,

I would like to seduce Matsomoto Rangiku.

Sincerely,

The Man


Dear Iba-kun,

You don't stand a chance.

Give it up,

Captain Ichimaru


Dear Captain Ichimaru,

I really, really, really want to taste the sweet necter from the flower that is Matsumoto Rangiku.

Sincerely,

Ink and chokers


Dear Hisagi,

Come near Rangiku and you'll feel the bite of Shinsou.

Sincerely,

The man who'll kill you slowly and painfully one of these days

PS. Just to make it absolutely clear, I am not going to be giving out advice on how to seduce Matsomoto Rangiku. In fact, anyone who asks will automatically end up on my "To Kill" list and trust me, you don't want to be on my "To Kill" list.


Dear Captain Ichimaru,

I am in love with my captain! He is so kind, so warm. He makes me feel special. I really love him and have worked very hard to please him. But I want to be so much more to him then just his subordinate. Please help me.

Sincerely,

Peach Plum girl


Dear Hinamori-chan,

Isn't Captain Aizen a little too old for you? Besides which, I always thought Captain Aizen wasn't so much into the whole physical stimulation. Rumour has it, he's still a virgin... why do I get the feeling that's just going to make you want him more... Just to make it clear, he isn't saving himself for that special someone or anything. He's... well he's kind of queer - as in asexual queer.

However, if you are still determine to give it a shot then you must employ the two things Captain Aizen absolutely loves and adores: tea and calligraphy. First, brush up on your tea ceremony skill, remember the Captain-commander-san runs weekly lessons on tea ceremony. However, you can't just brew tea like the Captain-commander. No, no, when trying to seduce someone, you have to perform the tea ceremony in a sensual manner. Rangiku runs an excellent lesson on sensual tea brewing as part of her "How to be sexy in everything you do" course. You may also want to take the lesson on "How to dress sexy", "how to strike a sexy pose", "how to smile sexily", in fact you probably should take the entire course and take advantage of her "sexy makeover" service as well.

The sensual tea brewing, however, is only part of the seduction equation. What will really get Captain Aizen's heart racing, assuming he isn't asexual or anything, is creative uses of the calligraphy brush. Remember, Captain Aizen loves a calligraphy brush and will follow the brush no matter what. So, why not use the brush to highlight some of your feminine charms. Why not perform some ink-less calligraphy on your body. Better yet, dip the brush into the tea you just brewed and use the tea to write seductive words on your body and invite him to lick them off you. Perhaps you can use the brush on Captain Aizen as well. I am sure there is nothing Captain Aizen would love more then to feel the caress of the bristles of a calligraphy brush against his skin, which if you have done your part properly will be hypersensative to the touch by the time you start your caressing.

Good luck,

Captain Ichimaru


Dear Gin,

Please refrain from corrupting my vice-captain. Besides which the seduction suggestions you doled out will not work and please never mention such perverted uses for a calligraphy brush ever again. Also, I am not a virgin or asexual. You and Rangiku-kun really need to get it through your heads that just because someone doesn't want either of you, doesn't mean that person is automatically an asexual. At least in my case, all it means is that I am not a paedophile because you two will always remain children to me.

Sincerely,

Ragaraja


Dear Captain Aizen,

I am glad you aren't a pervert. I like my ass unmolested. But I gotta say, any man who makes a point of reminding people he shares a last name with Aizen Myō-ō (aka Ragaraja), the deity who transforms worldly lust into spiritual awakening, is trying to say something. Either it's that he want to be a deity or that he channels his sexual energy into spiritual power. In the latter case, wouldn't that turn you into an asexual?

Sincerly,

Gin

(Note from Editor-in-Chief - Tosen Kaname: Captain Aizen Souske wisely chose not to respond to this smart-ass baiting by Ichimaru Gin. Who, I might add, really needs to show more respect to the man who essentially raised him.)

(Note from Ichimaru Gin: In short, it's all Captain Aizen's fault!)


Ichimaru,

How dare you corrupted the sweet innocence of Hinamori! If you make her lose her innocence, I will kill you!

Sincerely,

The Ice Dragon


Dear Captain Ten,

For a genius you sure came-up with an unimaginative alias. Also, if you want to keep Hinamori-chan's innocence to yourself then you should get on with seducing her yourself. Why not start attending Captain Four's ikebana lessons with her? Start taking interests in the books she is reading, which incidentally are the same books Captain Aizen is reading. So why not pre-empt her and go borrow out the books as soon as Captain Aizen returns them? Then she'll have to come to Squad ten to ask to borrow the books so she can read them as soon as possible. You can use this oppertunity to keep her around to discuss the book and get some of Rangiku's sake in her. Turn down your iciness and I am sure she'll be screaming out "Shiro-chan" so loud that they'll be able to hear it all the way to squad 1.

Best of luck,

Captain Ichimaru

PS. Just in case you are wondering how I know about your nickname, I have been known to hang around your busty vice-captain from time to time.


Ichimaru,

You are a dead man.

Don't call me Shiro-chan!

Sincerely,

Frozen Wrath of Heaven


Dear Captain Ten,

Less barking more peach biting. If you don't hurry you might find someone has already taken a bite out of your little peach and her little plum. Although I do like your new alias.

Sincerely,

Captain Ichimaru


Dear Gin,

Stop needling my captain or I swear I'll smother you to death with my sexy boobs!

Sincerely,

Purple Hell Cat


Dear Readers,

Per the request of Purple Hell Cat, this column will no longer give seduction advice to or for Hinamori Momo and Hitsugaya Toshiro. I would make some comment about how much of a humourless stiff Captain Ten is but I would rather live to tell about how I was smothered by Purple Hell Cat's sexy boobs.

Sincerely,

Purple Hell Cat's cuddly Silver Fox


Dear Ichimaru,

I want Retsu.

Sincerely,

Zaraki Kenpachi (what? You publish our names anyway so what's the point of wasting time and energy coming up with an alias?)


Dear Captain Eleven,

You're no fun! I was secretly running a best alias competition too! A well, if you want Captain Four then your just going to have to walk up to her, grab her and kiss her and hope and pray that she doesn't slaughter you. Then again, even if things go badly, it'll work out for you because in the very least you'll get a good fight out of it.

Alternatively, you can always appeal to her motherly nature by showing her exactly how great a father figure you are to Yachiru. Women like her really dig the responsible fatherly type.

Good luck with that,

Ichimaru Gin


Dear Foxy,

I want to seduce Bya-kun! Please help me.

Hugs and kisses,

Little Pinky


Dear Yachiru,

You are too young for this kind of thing and I am not just saying that because saying anything else will result in Captain Eleven chasing me all over Seireitei with a nameless zanpakuto.

See you later,

Foxy Captain Ichimaru


Oi Ichimaru,

What's this I hear about you helping Yachiru draw up some sort of a contract that says she is going to have dinner with Kuichiki after she comes of age AND helping her trick Kuichiki into signing it?

This better not be true,

Zaraki Kenpachi... Fine! I'll play along, Captain Death!!!


Dear Captain Eleven,

It's all lies cooked up by my enemies. I mean, would I really do something like that?

Sincerely,

Ichimaru Gin


Ichimaru,

Yes you would.

-Dr. Lovesbeingcut


Dear Captain Eleven,

You can't prove it! In an unrelated note, how are things working out between you and Captain Four?

Sincerely,

Ichiamru Gin


Ichimaru,

Normally you would be dead by now. But I suppose I do owe you one for Retsu. Consider yourself lucky.

Sincerely,

Demon With An Eye-patch


Dear Captain Eleven,

Please give my thanks to Captain Four.

Sincerely,

The luckiest man in Seireitei


Dear Ichimaru-kun,

Can you help me lure my Nanao-chan into bed?

Sincerely,

Crazy Bones


Dear Captain Eight,

Work hard, don't drink and don't chase after women. Do those things and Ise-san will be purring for you in no time.

Sincerely,

Ichimaru


Dear Captain Ichimaru,

O great! Thanks to you I now have to put out because the Captain has been working hard, not drinking or chasing women. I really hate you.

Sincerely,

Ise Nanao... oh fine, Demon Book-keeper from Hell


Dear Ise-san,

He actually did those things!!!! I am shocked! He must really want you bad! Well, I guess there is nothing to say but have fun and enjoy yourself.

Sincerely,

Ichimaru Gin


Dear Captain Ichimaru,

I am a very shy girl who lives in the shadow of her father. However, I am very interested in a particular shinigami. He has a gentle soul and a tortured past. I think he might be the one for me. But how do I even get him to notice me? He only seems to have eyes for Matsumoto Rangiku. Please help me.

Sincerely,

The Automata


Dear Nemu-san,

The key to the heart of Hisagi is food, music and big breasts. You have the big breasts covered so you just need to show them off a bit when you ask him to have dinner with you. He's cheap, so he'll agree to it just for the free meal. Just make sure you master the guitar before you invite him over and then just stuff him full of good food and play him some nice music. Also get him to talk about all the horrible things that's happened to him. Try and make him cry while remembering his past. Then just pull him into your chest GENTLY and let him drown all his sorrows in your perfectly made body. Incidentally, you might want to make sure Captain twelve is otherwise engaged while you do this. We don't want him messing things up!

Sincerely,

Captain Ichimaru

PS. I also want guarantees you ain't going to let Captain Twelve have me kidnapped in the dead of night for weird experiments.


Ichimaru,

Thanks to you my daughter now has a boyfriend! She is now always sneaking off to see him! She walks around with a dazed, love struck look on her face all the time! You are going to pay for this! Watch your back! I am coming for you!

Sincerely,

The Pharaoh (What! Just because I am threatening you doesn't mean I can't show-off my awesome intellect by coming-up with the best alias)


Dear Captain Twelve,

In anticipation of this I have already taken out a restraining order against you. Come within hundred feet of me and you will have to answer to Captain-commander-san.

Sincerely,

Captain Ichimaru

PS. Nemu-san's alias was better


Dear Captain Ichimaru,

I would like to seduce your Vice-captain!

Sincerely,

Peacock-man


Dear Ayasegawa-kun,

Izuru is a gentle lonely boy and there in lies the key to seducing him. If you can convince him that you'll be there, you'll always be there and never let him feel the despair of loneliness, he'll love you to the point he'll gladly lay down his life for you.

He's also currently with Captain Two, who is likely to murder you for even looking at her lover as soon as this hits print. So I suggest you run and hide.

Looking forward to your wake,

Captain Ichimaru


(Received by emergency hell butterfly)

Captain Ichimaru! I was joking! Please tell Captain Soifon I was joking! O kami-sama, she's coming! Help!!!!!


Dear Readers,

I would like to assure you that Peacock-man aka Ayasegawa Yumichika is still alive. He was able to convince Captain Two that he had no designs on her lover and had only sent in that letter on a dare. His story was backed up by Madarame Ikkaku and Abarai Renji, they were apparently the ones who dared him. At this point she beat the shit out of all three of them (apparently quite literally) and thus sent them packing to squad four. They are receiving the best care the Gotei 13 can offer and Captain Four assures us that they will soon be back to their old selves. However, let this be a lesson to anyone who might be harbouring a secret crush on my cute little Izuru. He's with the Queen Bee now and so unless you want to feel her sting, it is best to find a new target for seduction.

Sincerely,

Captain Ichimaru Gin


Dear Ichimaru,

I have presented my case to the Captain-commander and he has agreed with me that the Seireitei Communication is not a dating service and I do not have to keep publishing your disgraceful column no matter how popular it is. He is also satisfied with your contribution and does not require you to continue. So as of today, I am shutting you down!

Sincerely,

Editor-in-chief Tosen Kaname


Dear Tosen-san,

You're just pissed cause no one wanted to know how to seduce you. Well whatever. It was fun while it lasted. All I ask is that Izuru name his first born after me, Nemu-san names her second born after me, Captain Eleven names his third born after me and Yachiru names all her kids after me. Oh, it would also be nice if Ise-san screams out my name while she and Captain Eight are doing it. It'll really freak Captain Eight out and be very, very funny!

Sincerely,

The smexy captain of the 3rd Squad Ichimaru Gin

Author of the new book "The Art of Seduction"

PS. The winner of the best alias competition was Crazy Bones, mostly because that's only one I remembered.


"So Captain Ichimaru Gin," said Rangiku as he finished writing, "How would a girl go about seducing you, the master seducer?"

"Well," he said, smiling a real smile, "If 'er name is Matsumoto Rangiku, all she has ta do is be 'erself."

Rangiku smiled, leaning down she kissed him and that's all she needed to do to seduce Ichimaru Gin.


Author's note: Thanks for reading. Looking forward to reviews!

Additional note: The Art of Seduction by Ichimaru Gin was sold out within hours of hitting the shelf. They reprinted it three times and every time it sold out in a matter of hours. The fourth reprinting run of "The Art of Seduction" is being delayed by Captain Tosen, whose squad controls the printing presses. Captain Tosen is trying to get Room 46 to ban "The Art of Seduction" on the grounds of it being obscene to the point of pornography. However, a petition was started by Captain Tosen's own Vice-captain, Hisagi Shuhie, to keep "The Art of Seduction" on the shelves. The petition has so far been signed by almost 2/3 of the Gotei 13, including the Captain-commander - who has been spotted reading the "The Art of Seduction", especially the chapter titled "Tea and it's uses in seduction" - which was co-written with Matsumoto Rangiku. Although the Captain-commander insists that he likes the chapter because of the extensive history and commentary it provides on different types of teas and tea ceremony and not to pick-up tips on how to perform the tea ceremony in a sensual manner or to brew tea to "warm the heart and open limbs". Saying that he is many things but a perverted old man is not one of them.