Sgt. Bones' Bad Movie Review: House of the Dead
In 1996, a rail-shooter game called the House of the Dead was made and became successful in America plus Japan. But in 2003, a shitty movie adaption was made and it sucked beyond believe, now in the year 2009, a movie reviewer from IMDB and Fan Fiction has now fallen victim to this crapfest movie. This is his review....
House of the Dead... (Sighs) When I heard about this movie in 2003, I didn't really want to watch it at first but when I was on YouTube, it was on there, but when I watched it, I was shocked on how bad it was. This movie wasn't just bad, it's fucking horrible! Just who in the name of God would make this movie? Christ, the Nostalgia Critic would have probably gone insane after watching this shitty movie. Now you're wondering why it sucks balls, you wanna know why? Well then I'll tell you.
A group of 20 somethings are going out to an island to attend the so-called "Rave of the Century." They are so desperate that they pay the Captain from Das Boot $1000.
Jesus Christ, is that rave actually worth going to when it barely resembles a fucking Rave at all?
The captain warns them about the Island they are going to is called the Island of the Dead. (Wait a second I thought this was HOUSE of the Dead.) He warns them about the dangers, evil, and whatever, I don't even give a shit.
The first fault in this movie is that why the hell would a Rave of the Century (Bullcrap) would be held on some fucking island? And who would wanna pay shits load of money to go there and then back? THAT'S STUPID!
After they arrive at the Rave (Which holds about two tents, a small stage and a port-a-john… yeah I would've want my money back now.)They discover that someone has crashed the party. Blood's everywhere and no one is around, now what do you think any sane person who have done? Run for their lives of course but these retards, also blind people apparently, go looking for their friends.
They come across an old house that is many times bigger than it looks outside. Another half hour of stupidity passes with deaths of the luckier people who get killed off first. So what do these dumb asses do? Absolutely nothing, it's like their saying, "Hey with all these zombies running around and killing people, let's just not do anything and get killed off like the incompetent assholes we are!" Then we get a shitload of bad acting, stupid dialogue of jibber jabber, and billions of clips of the once-popular House of the Dead game. Why would they put this in the movie? Who knows? They were either running out of ideas or they were smoking a fuck load of crack at the time.
The only good thing about this movie is Jurgen Prochnow, who tried to save the movie with his character, but he doesn't though he tried so hard to, luckily after this movie, he still had his dignity and sanity intact. Jesus, this movie makes Double Dragon an Oscar-worthy movie, and that's a bad sign there! The heroes then decide to arm themselves with guns hidden by the captain, so they go back to the house to seek refugee where they face the so-called zombies. At first they face about 10 of them, and then suddenly a shitload more come in, why? I don't know, I stopped bringing logic to this movie after 10 minutes. You wanna know what else is strange? When the retards get the guns, they suddenly turn into Commandos and then become super accurate! I mean, it doesn't make any sense! But it's an Uwe Boll film, so everything doesn't make sense at all.
So they blast the leathery undead feigns away, zombies are killed left and right, unnecessary rap/rock/techno music is played in the background that makes me wanna shot myself, it's just crazy and boring, seriously, I nearly fell asleep after watching this piece of fucking shit scene. But in the heat of the battle, one of the characters are being eaten and the other character bothers not to help her but decides to have a long ass flashback that leads to this point… WHAT?! That just plain retarded! Who the fuck has a flashback while their friend is being killed? This is the part the pisses me off to NO FUCKING END! Who would want to put this in a movie?! I DON'T KNOW ANY MORE! AHHH!
After fighting their way through the hordes of evil men in leather, they learn that a preacher or whatever created these monsters to become immortal. But then, here's a problem. You wanna what it is? The hero and villain say the most retarded sentences ever spoken on film. (Sighs) Here it is.
Dumbass Hero who can't act: You created these monsters to become immortal.
Evil guy who also can't act: To live forever!
Sgt. Bones: You all SUCK.
So two people are left after destroying the zombie menace, they finally live happily ever- WAIT! The preacher has survived and engages the two survivors in a sword battle, they defeat the preacher but the second survivor dies, leaving only one left. The AMS Special Forces arrive and save the last survivor named Rudy Curien. Wait a minute, Curien? Oh okay, so the name makes a cameo but do you ever see the doctor anywhere? FUCK NO! G and Rogan weren't in it; the Magician isn't in it either, so what the hell is the point of adding Curien there when the movie barely resembles the House of the Dead game? They should have called it Gilligan's Island: When Shitty Acting and Zombies are combined. This movie blows ass, it makes you want to slit your wrist and take a cyanide pill! It makes me want to tear my eyeballs out! It makes Super Mario Bros.
Movie look like a masterpiece! It literally made me go fucking insane after an 90 Minutes of stupidity!!
House of the Dead could've been a good movie, but they fucked it up! You know who is to be blamed for this? UWE BOLL, BOLLSHIT! Boll's one of the world's most hated director because he keeps fucking up our favorite games by turning them into steaming piles of buffalo shit! I mean, who the hell hires a director that has a history of screwing up video game movies? What are they thinking?! Are these game producers sniffing cocaine while drinking a bottle of fucking whiskey?
If Uwe Boll ever asked me for the rights to turn my video game into his movie, I probably punch him in the face and spit on him. You know he claims that his movies are a masterpiece and says that he's the only genius in the movie business, and also says that the other directors are fucking retards. Well Uwe Boll, go fuck yourself because you suck ass and should retire. If he says these things then he's the one acting like a fucking retard because I'm never seeing any of his shitty movies ever again in my life! Don't EVER watch one of his movies, don't even bother to watch Far Cry because I saw the trailer and it sucks ass, but most importantly, DON'T watch this movie, stay away from it, even if you're interested of seeing it, DON'T! So that concludes my review for House of the Dead, I give it a 0 out of 5.
Intermission: Okay, this is an on ongoing problem in video game adaptations. Directors bother not to follow the game's story line and instead use their own shitty ones. Here's a message to all the directors out there: STICK TO THE FUCKING ORIGINAL STORY. It's not hard, just don't fuck with the story and keep it as it is! I mean why would you do this? Do they want to piss off gamers intentionally? Here's a list of movies that suck and don't follow the original story line.
House of the Dead aka Gilligan's Island
Street Fighter the movie
Super Mario Bros The Movie
Max Payne (How hard was it make a film about a guy with two guns shooting up bad guys and getting revenge over the death of his loved ones? It worked for Matrix, Hard-Boiled, and Equilibrium.)
Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
Alone in the Dark aka Alone in the Theater
Resident Evil (It doesn't really suck, but it wasn't really good either)