Author's Note: So, I was having a conversation with Nehszriah (she is an author here, she is amazing, you should read her stories) and we were talking about the One Piece crew as a family. And of course, it turned into a crack-fic in my mind. So Nehs-chan deserves half the credit for the inspiration of this.
The stories in this series will all be of the same timeline, but not in order. I do, in fact, have a second one written, but I'm currently debating whether or not it's worth posting here, since I killed a bunch of personal beliefs in writing it. On that note, enjoy!
Disclaimer: I own nothing recognizable from One Piece. It all belongs to the wonderful, amazing Eiichiro Oda. I don't even own the family structure—Oda came up with that in the SBS.
Years of Dysfunctional Chaos
"Stop it, stop it, damn it!"
"Dear, please stop swearing in front of the children."
The man looked up from his attempts to simultaneously change the baby's diaper and supervise the other children's meal to glare at his wife. Said wife remained supremely unconcerned and did not even have the grace to look up from her book as she calmly turned the page.
"Father, did you read about the recent theories regarding Tutankhamen's reign? They say that Horemheb erased all the records of-"
Unfortuately, Franky Mugiwara could not continue to glare at his wife or even pay attention to what she was saying anymore, because that was when Zoro decided to show Luffy how to use his spoon as a catapult and Usopp and Luffy began showering Nami with bits of banana mush (from Luffy) and tomato sauce (from Usopp).
"Hey, guys, stop-"
But Sanji, aiming a spoon of meatball at Luffy, missed and hit Franky in the face. Zoro began to giggle hysterically at this, while an irate Nami wiped her face and proceeded to climb the table with a war cry to run at Luffy, who was on the other side. With a squeal of delight, Luffy took off at a dead run, never one to be daunted by the prospect of having to fall off his chair before he could do anything.
"Kids," Franky tried again, this time yelling and using his best I-am-very-very-angry-and-you'd-better-stop-that-this-instant voice, but no one seemed to hear him except the baby, who proceeded to scream and urinate. Given that Chopper's diapers were already open, this resulted in a little trickle of warm, faintly yellow liquid hitting the back of Franky's head. Hastily the man turned back to cover Chopper's privates with another diaper before anything more could happen. He hastily finished the task of changing the little boy's diapers, yelling threats at the children behind him even as he heard no response from the children. In fact, the thud accompanied by Luffy's scream of pain and Nami's angry growl were very distinct, followed by thuds and Luffy's cheering and Nami's screaming—obviously Zoro, the ever-protective elder brother, had come to the rescue—at which Sanji, rather attached to his sister, started howling obscenities at Zoro—So that's why I'm not supposed to swear, thought Franky, wondering where Sanji had picked up the sections of his vocabulary that even Franky never used—and Zoro yelled obscenities right back and there was much thudding and screaming until Usopp's shouts joined the fray, and Franky theorized that he'd been having fun using his spoon to catapult them all with tomato sauce all the while until it got into someone's face or something.
By the time he looked around, war was in full swing. While he knew exactly how the situation had deteriorated this far, it was still daunting to look at. Zoro had a flailing Usopp caught in an armlock while Nami kicked him in the head from the back of the couch and Luffy screamed as Sanji kicked him in the stomach.
"Stop!" shouted Franky, leaving Chopper on the dresser that had been used as a changing table almost constantly for the past 5 years, and not even bothering to throw out the dirty diaper before he rushed to separate the children before someone was seriously injured. "ALL OF YOU, STOP RIGHT THIS MINUTE!"
The fray continued.
Franky marched in and pulled Luffy and Sanji apart by the collars. He then grabbed Zoro, Nami and Usopp all by the collars as well, thanking any deity that was listening for his arm strength as he carried them across the living room. But Sanji and Zoro, held in the same hand, had resumed their kicking and punching even as they hung from the scruffs of their necks, while in his other hand Nami was biting Luffy who was clinging to Usopp who was simultaneously trying to push Luffy off his arm and kick Nami in the shin to get her to stop digging her nails into his arm.
"TIME OUT!" Franky roared as he literarly tossed them into their room. "NOW!"
The impact of their little bodies on the floor seemed very effective in making the little children go quiet. They sat on the floor, suddenly docile, blinking up at him as though confused.
"You'd better think about what you've done!" Franky said, trying to sound authoritative and impressive. "We're all a family, and fighting like that is-"
"Daddy," said Nami suddenly.
"Quiet, young lady!" Franky snapped. "You'd better not think you can talk your way out of this, any of you, because-"
But Usopp was silenced too by Franky's shouting. "Are you even listening to a word I say? I said-"
"Mr. Franky, sir," said Grandpa Brook respectfully from his corner. "I am very sorry to have to interrupt, but Chopper-"
At the name of the baby, Franky spun around in alarm…to see that Chopper was practically falling off of the changing table.
"Chopper!" cried Franky, racing across the room and just managing to catch the baby before he fell. It was as he was breathing his sigh of relief that Franky noticed that the boy's arm was covered in something brown. "What the- Oh."
The dirty diaper had unrolled, and obviously Chopper had stuck his arm into it.
"And I just gave you your bath, too," Franky sighed as he wiped the arm off with a wet paper towel and finally threw away the dirty diaper.
It was then that he became aware that the sounds of war had recommenced in the children's room. Franky's eye began to twitch. Slowly, fighting the protesting voice in his head that was his pride as a man, he turned around to face his wife, who was still sitting in the easy chair beside her father's rocking chair, reading her book and looking supremely unconcerned.
"Robin, darling…" Franky started tentatively.
"Yes, dear?" she replied, not lifting her eyes from the book.
"I'm very sorry I called your effort into question. It's a much more difficult job to be a stay-at-home mom than to be a shipwright. Please help me?"
"If you insist," Robin replied, finally looking up at him with a sweet smile that Franky knew concealed triumph beneath. "Children," she called, not even standing or raising her voice. "Do be quiet, you're making things difficult for your father."
The children's room fell silent immediately, and Robin went back to her book.
"I'd do just FINE if she'd just tell me how she manages to do that," Franky muttered under his breath as he headed into the kitchen to give Chopper another bath.
"Children," called Robin, "your father changed his mind. He doesn't care what you do."
In the children's room, battle recommenced immediately with a vengeance. Franky shrieked a curse and nearly broke the faucet starting the water for the baby's bath.
"Now, dear, what have I told you about swearing?" asked Robin mildly from the living room. Her words were accompanied by the sound of a page turning.
"Yes, dear," said Franky obediently—resignedly—wondering how he would break the children up this time.