~Disclaimer~ I don't own Twilight or anything from Twilight…OR any bands/music mentioned in this story, if I did I would have a better internet connection *glares at internet provider with arms folded* I mean really I am trying to write story's here!
A/N for those of you who are followers of Can You Look At Me Now?….. That story has NOT been forgotten, this is something I (Jill) am doing with out my co/writer (Melinda) she has A LOT going on in her life right now so I am giving her a mini break… but don't worry loyal readers, I will start cracking the whip on her soon. I know we left you with a nasty cliffy *giggles then looks around*that was her idea… anyways enough rambling from me, I hope you enjoy this story, and it holds you over till C.Y.L.A.M.N is updated…please do not hold back in the reviews… I need to know my mess ups. Enjoy!
Its been about four years now since my fairy tale life crashed around me in the woods of Folks Washington, I sit here now staring out the window of my small one bedroom apartment just off campus at Dartmouth University… yeah can you believe it me .. Isabella Swan got into Dartmouth, I vaguely remember applying.
~Flashback~ we were sitting in the small kitchen that belonged to my father Charlie I was so sick of filling out all these applications, collage was my plan B, his plan A. I was not even looking at what I was doing then I looked at the name on the top of the paper and I just flat out refused… then 'he' took it and said he could do the rest himself.
What a jack ass. Needless to say I was accepted by some miracle and something about some kind of bogus scholarship.
Who am I to complain it got me as far away from Forks I could get with out actually leaving the country, and believe me that was an option. The hole in my chest never completely healed I think I just became numb to the ache, what else could I do…I am still human, I could not hunt him down and scream at the top of my lungs at him about how much I am hurting, but here I am today working on a major in classical languages and literatures and a minor in psychology.
Everyone said I was insane taking something as big as psychology as a minor….I just laugh and ask isn't that for me to judge. All the people are rushing in to get good parking spots…all the freshmen are running around like worker ants, I smile as I remember having that same look of panic and stress first semester can be very overwhelming.
I leaned back in my chair putting my feet on the open windowsill the play list on my laptop was on random sitting next to me on an end table, I was in the process of getting my things ready for class, yeah I know I had two more weeks before classes actually started but I had nothing else to do. I was wrapped in my memories, it was dangerous for me the music was pulling me into times past.
The song was a haunting song by Sixx AM, I know I know the song is about heroin addiction, but I think that is what makes it worse cause 'he' always said my blood was like heroin to him, and as the song goes on about golden eyes I think back to all the times I was lost and…dazzled by golden eyes and what I would have giving to be a girl with golden eyes.
My fingers twisted the fray coming from the holes in the knees of my jeans, these had to be the most comfortable jeans in the world, they are not the store bought kind that come with holes and fray, these are just worn. I reached over and grabbed my pack of cigarettes taking one out and setting the pack on the sill, not the smartest thing I have lost many a packs doing this.
This year is starting to be a good one, I made it to manger at the little coffee shop down the street from my place, I am now in my third year, the idea of graduating scared the hell the out of me even though I had some time yet but still, where would I go from here, what would I do with my new found freedom and education. I lazily blew what I thought were bad ass smoke rings just watching the cars and people, this was always my favorite time of the year, there is just unspeakable excitement in the air, I smiled.
Out of the corner of my eye something bright yellow caught my attention, most of the cars around here where plain blend in kinda colors, yes even sliver Volvos, I turned my head to get a better glimpse of the bright yellow porch that pulled into the student parking…I could not help but roll my eyes…I can not believe a student would have the guts to take a car like that to school.
I put my butt in the little metal coffee can that sat on the fire escape outside my window…right next to the plant I killed, hey I never claimed to have a green thumb. I pulled my fingers threw my hair, and smiled when they came up short, after all these years I finally chopped all my hair off, it's all razor'ed and spiky at the same time, I have deep red chunk highlights all over, but I did not have the heart to change all the color.
So yeah I have grown up, filled out and wised up…but what other options did I have, one thing I really wish that would have gone away with age is the little fact that I can trip over air at any given time….let me tell ya that is a big pain in the ass when you live on the third story with no elevator.
See I am drifting again….something draws my attention back to the yellow car that is sticking out like a sore thumb, just as I look over there I am eye locked with some painfully familiar golden orbs.
I made some strange mouse like sound when I tipped back in my chair and thumped to the hardwood floor, I just laid there shaking hoping I had just come out of some dream….yeah that's…..it I fell out of my chair when I leaned over to put my smoke out and I feel hit my head and passed out…I dreamed I just stared Alice Cullen in the face.
I clinched my eyes closed to hoping that would make what I was thinking true, well my cat Mr. Darcy had other plans as he dragged his sand paper tongue across my entire forehead, "eww!" I swatted him away and he went on his merry little way, from my position on the floor I heard a distinctive booming laugh.
Emmett? I sat up and pulled just my head over the windowsill I peaked down where I saw Alice, and Emmett was doubled over in between his jeep and Alice's little car, he must have pulled in after my sudden bush with the floor.
I sank back to the floor turning around putting my back to the wall under the window, "Jesus Christ" I started to panic could they really be here, I put my head between my knees to try and calm down, I was hyperventilating.
I sat still for I don't know how long really but my laptop went through seventeen songs and the sun was in a completely different place in the sky. There was no knock on my door that I was expecting, there was no one jumping into my window.
I got up and closed my laptop and moved to the kitchen and made myself a light dinner, I took it to the living room and sat on the couch, my mind going a mile a second, ok I know what I saw…I saw Alice and Emmett, but where was everyone else where they just here to set things up for everyone else?
I could not even eat I just poked around with my food till it was cold, I took it to the kitchen wrapped it then putting it in the fridge. The clock told me it was close to midnight, I closed my laptop having no interest in working anymore I just went to my bed and laid down still in my clothes I fell fast asleep.
~ Dream~ Alice was more bouncy then normal I knew she had something big planned I thought of everything I could to get out of it, till Edward made me feel guilty about whining. At first it was everything I had expected … over the top, the flowers the candles and the cake that could feed a needy family for like a month.
After everything got under way it was not all so bad, I always felt so at ease with the Cullen's with the exception of Rosalie , it was all just flashes after that, the paper cut, me flying back into the table, the look on Jaspers face, the sadness on everyone else's face.
Then the dream went to a dream I have not had in a very long time, it was myself and Jake in the woods and he is pulling me away, he is so panicked he is pulling me and I look over to what is making him so worried, in the dreams in the past this is where I would see a very vampire looking Edward, this time was different….this time Emmett was standing there leaning on a tree his arms folded and the smile I love on his face his dimples deep and his face beaming.
I woke up almost 2 hours before my alarm went off, I sat up in bed and looked around trying to get my Barings, there was no way in hell I was getting back to sleep not that I wanted to anyways. I had to open the coffee shop today so hi ho hi ho its off to the shower I go.
The shower was disappointing, it did not relax me in the least bit my mind would not stop for even a second as I tired to wash my hair, I almost grabbed my body wash first, then I got the right bottle. I have long since replaced my favorite strawberry scented shampoo and now use some kinda herbal salon stuff. I love having short hair I got out of the shower and just toweled it off and it was damn near dry, I just wrapped myself in a over fluffy towel and went to the kitchen to start the coffee.
Here is what gets me, I walked down the hall through the back end of the living room to the kitchen, started the coffee, got a cinnamon roll from the fridge put it in the microwave started it, headed back toward my room, got just to my door before I stopped dead in my tracks and wheeled around. Holding the towel tight to myself I stepped back into the living room.
I am sure from a outside view point I looked like a fish out of water, my mouth dropped then I went to say something and it just kept open and closing I know there is a word for this from my psych classes but I will just go with the basic stunned.
In the chair that I was sitting in just last night had been pick up off the floor and set facing inside, with a small perfect little vision sitting in it smiling like a kid on Christmas, like always Alice looked like she was about ready to bounce out of her skin. My eyes moved from her to the back of a body that seemed to take up my whole couch, he was kinda bent over and moving a little, I took a few steps to look around to the front of the couch and there was Emmett playing with Mr. Darcy. He must have finally lost interest in the cat and looked at me "hey Bells."
He was spinning something around on his finger that had my cats interest, my keys. "ya know Bells, leaving your keys in your door is not a good idea…" he smiled " just anyone can walk in." Alice stood and it took me a good few seconds to look at her, she opened her mouth to say something but I quickly cut her off "I have to go get ready for work" I just about ran to my room slamming the door I leaned on it, my head was just not wrapping around this, Alice and Emmett Cullen were sitting in my living room.
Where they like the peace officers, was the rest of the family just waiting somewhere for the news on me. Why send Alice… she hurt me just as much as Edward did…she was my best friend and she left with out a good bye….nothing.
I got my work clothes on and took a relaxing breath and headed back out to the living room, I still had a good solid hour before I had to go in. I got to the living room and Alice was about to say something again and I just held up my hand stopping her, "I really need my coffee before anyone says anything else" I did my best not to even look her in the eyes.
After I got my oversized mug of coffee I went back out there and walked over to Alice, moving around her I opened the window and sat on it lighting a cigarette. Alice got up and moved next to Emmett there was so much tension in the room something was about to give.
Emmett gave Alice a reassuring smile, it was then I noticed how his smile has somehow dimmed and Alice's eyes lost some of their sparkle. So I spoke first and my tone was a little harsher then I meant it, "ok…you guys have checked on me I am still alive living out my normal human life" Alice looked down at her feet "that is not why we came Bella, believe it or not we had no idea you would be here…see the thing is I lost sight of you years ago we were just as shocked to see you as you were of us."
"What do you mean you lost sight of me" I was getting really irked now and she looked like I had ripped up her entire closet in front of her. Emmett spoke up, "when we left….things, everything changed Bells, Edward said none of us were to ever interfere with your life and that Alice was not to even look after your future," Alice butted in "but he should have known better then anyone that the visions sometime just come and go I can not control them, but a few months after we left you just went black in my visions, I only got a few snips here and there."
"The last thing I saw of you," she choked up I could she the tears in her eyes that would never fall "the last thing, you were on some cliffs, I believe at La Push and you were on the edge crying and you screamed out Edwards name as you went down then…nothing." Emmett wrapped an arm around her and I put my cigarette butt in the can and took a long sip of my coffee, "so…you thought I had died, but none of you came to actually check or even have the decency to give your last respects…." I stood up and shook my head I was enraged now.
"You know what I can not deal with this right now I have to go to work….I…just…I got to go" I could not even get the words out I went to the kitchen dumped my coffee out, I could get more at work, I just had to get out of there. I grabbed my purse and pack of smokes, shoving them roughly in, after thought .. I hope I didn't break any damn I hate soft packs.
I got to the door half opened it and turned back to them "you guys can stay here if you would like, I really don't know what's going on, I just….I need some time to think, I get out of work in nine hours, if you guys are not here I will understand and my life will go on, if you are I would like some answers" with that I left, I got to the sidewalk and realized Emmett had my keys. "damnit" if they do leave I hope they don't lock me out.
I wonder sometimes if Murphy's law was wrote for me, because today was that kinda day. First when I get to work my opener called 3 fucking minutes before her shift started, I had to juggle the daily paper work and running the front, then we got the wrong delivery truck getting almost triple of what we already have, so finally when Joey came in I ran back to the office to fix the truck mix up and do my daily paperwork.
If any of that was not bad enough I spilled coffee all over the desk, is it three o'clock yet. It was defiantly close to lunch and my body was screaming at me, since I didn't eat dinner or breakfast. I punched out for lunch but decided to stay in the office, I grabbed a deli sandwich from the front and started the next week schedule.
I dropped the pen on the desk and just rubbed my face with both palms, there was a soft knock on the door "Bella, its me Nikki can I talk to you for a second" "sure Nikki come on in, have a seat." I turned my chair from the desk to the other chair that was shoved into this already cramped little room.
So much for a peaceful lunch, Nikki my best girl just gave her two weeks, she dropping out of school and going back home to Ohio. I just picked apart my ham and cheese on a kosher roll, by this time I honestly had move coffee flowing threw my veins then blood, I smirked to myself and thought that is not a bad idea if I am going home to vampires.
Someone up there must have had some pity on me cause the rest of my shift was pretty uneventful. I got out of the building and realized I did not have one smoke break, I still have no idea if I broke any when I did the quick shove and run. I got the pack out and sighed in relief none where harmed. I walked home slower then normal, what was I going to say…how was I going to feel if that left.
What if the rest of the family was there, what if he was there. I put my butt in the ashtray right outside the door to my building, I headed up not knowing what was waiting for me in apartment 328.