RATING: PG-13 I guess if you're delicate?
SUMMARY: From the challenge community on livejournal. Prompt #23 - Bloodstains. LUFFYKO. Luffy + girl parts. Brain-breaking Gen. 1000 words.
Notes 1: AHAHAHAHA. I am fully aware that for this I should be shot. Enjoy.
Notes 2: Luffyko AU!

23. Bloodstains

The second day the bleeding wouldn't stop, Luffy huffed and grumpily went to see Chopper.

"Chopper! I've a mystery wound!" he said. With less of a spring in his movements than usual, he perched himself on the edge of the exam table and starting to unfasten his shorts. "I don't know how I did it, and it won't stop bleeding, so I figured I better see you." He contorted to tug one leg out of his shorts, leaving them to dangle around his other ankle. He started to pull down the little yellow panties Nami had made him start wearing, blood-spotted tissues peeping out the front.

"I think I must've sat on something sharp," Luffy added plaintively, "And it must be deep, 'cause my stomach really hurts, right up here..." He didn't even get chance to point -- squawked in surprise as Chopper grabbed his hand and dragged his underwear back up. Then with a terrified wail, the doctor scurried beneath a table, where he started to whimper.

"Chopper!" Luffy yelped, not in the mood to coax the doctor out of one of his attacks of timidity, even if he'd already known he wasn't taking the idea of the changes wrought by Iva's powers too well. "So it's in that part! But you gotta take a look! You're the only doctor here! It won't stop bleeding. That's bad, right?"

Shorts in one hand, he slid from his perch and bent down, but all he could see under the table was a quivering ball of fur pressing itself back into the furthest dark corner... and honestly, he felt lousy and his stomach was all one big painful grumble and his head felt full of socks, so he really wasn't going to go crawling under there to pull Chopper out.

"Fine." Luffy turned to leave and irritably kicked a stray ball of tissue with his bare foot. "Guess I'll go ask Zoro to help me 'til you feel like being a real doctor..." Zoro knew plenty about wounds, and even if girl-parts caused him to make that "gyah!" face, he'd still look at it...

"N-n-n-n-n-not Zoro..." Chopper stammered, a wavering little noise that Luffy only just caught as he was about to go out the infirmary door. "N-n-n-n-Nami! Ask... n-n-Nami!"

"Huh?" Luffy blinked. Then, he supposed that made sense, because Nami knew something about wounds too, and she certainly shouldn't hide under any furniture if he asked her to look at girl-parts -- although she did tend to get mad whenever he showed his to any of the guys, so maybe it was wise to go to Nami instead of Zoro.

"Okay. Then I'll ask Nami."

He still slammed the door as he left the room. He heard it fall off its hinges and hit the floor behind him.

"...and Chopper hid under a table and won't look at it 'cause it's in a girl place, so can you do it, Nami, pleeeeaaase...?" He moaned and hunched over his complaining stomach.

"That doesn't sound very much like Chopper." Nami eyed him from the deck chair. She had that Look. The Look that said he was breaking Female Rules of some sort. He followed her gaze down and realised his shorts were still in his hand.

"Uh..." He swallowed. "Pleeeaase, Nami," he said again, a bit desperately, since he now had the feeling not only wasn't he going to get help, but he was going to get hit with something as well (although it was true that Nami hit him less now he was a girl, but there were certain offences that seemed non-negotiable). "It won't stop bleeding and it hurts, and Chopper's no good at all-- ughup--" He stopped and swallowed again, because that funny noise he'd just made had sounded disturbingly like...

Luffy scrubbed at his eyes frantically. No way! After all the times he'd been hurt ten times worse before, he wasn't crying now over some stupid wound! Thankfully, his annoyance drove the beginnings of tears quickly dry. He felt his face burn as Nami stared at him open-mouthed. Damn! She'd noticed!

"...Oh," Nami said, her expression weird. "Yes, Luffy. All right. You have to come to the girl's cabin so we can talk about this somewhere not here, but I'm sure I can help you."

With that, she leaped up and bundled him ahead of her urgently, moving rather faster than Luffy's legs wanted to go at the moment, away from Sanji's twirling appearance on deck with treats for his 'three favourite laaaadiiiiies!' Dizzying seconds later, he was in the girl's cabin watching a growing pile of ominous feminine artefacts land upon the bed as Nami ransacked her belongings.

The uses of such items, Luffy had never dared ponder, having glimpsed them only on occasion. They were Things, he dimly knew, that struck fear into the hearts of men, and even though now he was really a girl too -- if one determinedly clinging onto his right to sleep in the men's cabin and trying to ignore Sanji unless food was involved and really really trying to act as if nothing had changed because he had the feeling that thinking too much on this would leave him jibbering in a corner... so it was ever so lucky he was good at not thinking -- anyway, he was pretty sure the effect was still working on him. His legs trembled helplessly.

"So," Nami said, flinging one last bright square little parcel down next to a tube shaped one. Then she launched off into... many, many words. Words which Luffy recognised instantly as Important, so tipped his head on one side to listen and nodded sensibly at each pause. By the time she had finished it was all remarkably clear and he was already feeling much better. Excited and pumped-up now that he'd been inducted into forbidden female knowledge, he exclaimed--

"AH! So it's a mystery wound, then, Nami!"

For some reason, Nami sagged and turned around to start beating her forehead against the wall. Luffy watched and fidgeted until she stopped and straightened up again.

"Luffy." Her mouth fixed in a long, grim line, expression firm and serious. She raised her finger emphatically. "You are absolutely right. It is a mysterious... Mystery Wound. It affects all women every month. You must make sure that you take care of it with these special..." Her voice faded and cracked as though she was having problems shaping the words. "These special..."

"Mystery bandages?" Luffy burst in excitedly. "That's it, isn't it Nami? That's right! That's what they are!"

"...Yes, Luffy."

The look developing on her face was beginning to remind him distinctly of Chopper just before he'd hid under the table. Luffy opted to scrape up an armful of the bright packets and beat a swift exit.

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