Sweeney Todd's Torture Program
"Mr T, are you sure they're goin' to like this?"
"Don't tell me you're having second thoughts, Mrs Lovett?"
Sweeney Todd was sitting backstage on a little stool, polishing his razors.
Mrs Lovett was busy fixing her hair with numerous cans of mousse, gel, and hairspray.
"No, course not love," she said quickly, giving her giant termite mound hair another firm pat. "I'm just a bit nervous….wot's all."
She smiled broadly, gave a little turn in her dress. It was white satin underneath, and the folds and sleeves and corset were draped over in black, snake-like cords.
Just like rivers of blood, Sweeney thought fondly, and grinned back at Mrs Lovett.
"I must say Mrs Lovett, I approve of the dress."
"But wot if….they hate us?" She bit her lip, and immediately went to the edge of the stool.
Mrs Lovett rested her hand across the trouser of his thigh, and looked up at him.
"We worked so 'ard ta get all the weapons just so….wot if they –"
"Then we'll slit their throats," Sweeney said jovially, giving his razors another firm rub.
He looked up at her, and they both smiled.
It was a new thing for Sweeney, this smiling business. But Mrs Lovett, strangely, had brought new life into him.
They'd spent every day for the past three weeks poring over old torture books, hunting for just the right weapons in dusty antique shops…..carefully selecting their chosen victims for the show.
He hadn't felt this alive since….Sweeney didn't know when. Of course, that didn't mean they were dating. He'd heard enough of that rubbish from Signor Pirelli's Dating Show.
Suddenly it hit him. "Mrs Lovett…" he began slowly, staring at her long enough to make Mrs Lovett's stomach tremble and her whole body seize up.
"Yes?" she almost squeaked, smoothing her hair and attempting to look like a lady.
"Am I in a good mood?"
Mrs Lovett burst out laughing, but stopped pretty quickly. He was serious. "Yes love," she spoke softly, leaning her head against his leg so he wouldn't see her burning face.
Well, that, and she liked to lean against Sweeney's leg. "This is wot I call a good mood."
Sweeney leapt off the stool, kicking it into the corner.
At first Mrs Lovett thought he was angry, but no –
"I'm in a good mood, Mrs Lovett," he said in a rush, "and I want to share it with the world."
He grinned, and Mrs Lovett couldn't think of a handsomer man on the planet. Well, perhaps that charmin' doctor who'd stopped her on the street near Whitechapel and asked her if she'd like some grapes…he was pretty good looking, but then he didn't have a white streak in his hair and eyes that seemed to follow her wherever she went.
"Well," Sweeney said impatiently, holding out his arm for her to take. "Will you help me share it?"
I'd have to be bloomin' daft not to, Mrs Lovett thought. "Of course, Mr T."
"Right," said Sweeney, stepping on stage to host the brand new TV program. "Let the games begin."
"Tis a right shame Pirelli's show wos such a fizza after we wos on. Feel a tad sorry for Pirelli. They say he's a druggie over on Fleet Street at present, snortin' his nose off, I shouldn't wonder."
Sweeney Todd grunted. "It's Sweeney Todd's Torture Program from now on, Mrs Lovett, and they will remember it. I will have my revenge."
He took his razors out, and held them up under the shining spotlight.
"That's all very well," Mrs Lovett said, clutching his free arm and turning to the studio audience, "but wot we gonna do for our first show?"
"Torture someone, presumably," said Sweeney, dead pan.
"Yes I know love, but who? Who will be our first victim?"
* * *
Yes indeed. WHO? Suggestions? Got someone you're DYING to have killed off? It can be from other Johnny Depp/Helena movie's too, e.g. Sleepy Hollow, Corpse Bridge, whatever floats your boat. Whatever gets the most response in reviews I'll tally up and that'll be Sweeney's first victim!